16 yr old ds moving back home... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 08-06-2009, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ok.. situation is this. 16 yr old son wished to move to father's house 3 yrs ago. I refused, he got violent over the next 6 months. 2.5 yrs ago, I kicked him out because I was unwilling to deal with it any more. Now he lives here, just moved back and I have caught him sneaking out of his bedroom window and we have agreed that if he must smoke, he will NOT do it within sight or smell of my house or his siblings. I do not condone smoking, but it's something I know that I cannot force him to quit. The sneaking out is the issue I am seeking help with. Should I just allow it as long as he doesn't go far? Should I curb it and get worried? I do not see a logical consequence that I can impose for it! While I sleep, I am unaware of how long he is out or if he tells me the truth about if he did sneek out or not!

Anyway, seeking other parents to commiserate with for a while and hoping for advice too! :-)
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#2 of 9 Old 08-06-2009, 03:00 PM
 
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I have no advice for you, but I wanted to give you a hug.

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#3 of 9 Old 08-06-2009, 07:37 PM
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You can't stop him from smoking. The only thing you can do is salvage your relationship with him in the meantime. Let him go in and out the door to smoke. Treat him with respect. Is he only sneaking out to smoke? Or other things?

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#4 of 9 Old 08-08-2009, 10:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A View Post
You can't stop him from smoking. The only thing you can do is salvage your relationship with him in the meantime. Let him go in and out the door to smoke. Treat him with respect. Is he only sneaking out to smoke? Or other things?
I disagree. He's only 16 and not an adult and he's living under her roof so he should abide by her rules. Sure he will smoke regardless of whether she knows about it or not, but she has every right to tell him it's not allowed in her home or on her property. He's still a child. I'm betting she still feeds and clothes him, plus he has a nice warm place to lay his head at night. He needs to learn to respect her more. And he will never do that if he doesn't have rules. Kids need rules whether they act like they do or not.

OP - you didn't say why your DS wanted to move back in with you? I'm sure his father had rules too? He probably got tired of his rules and wants to do things his way and that's not right.

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#5 of 9 Old 08-12-2009, 09:18 PM
 
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I'd try to get to the bottom of WHY he's sneaking out at night. Is he going someplace he's been forbidden to go to? Is he going out at times he's not allowed out? Is he sneaking out to smoke?

I'd try to eliminate the need for him to sneak out. If he's sneaking out to smoke, I'd encourage him to go out the door when he wants a smoke (but asking him to go a certain distance from the house is reasonable.) I can't help but wonder if he's sneaking out the window to smoke so the younger siblings don't see him going out to smoke- when he goes out the door they're more likely to see him.

If he's sneaking out for other reasons, you still need to talk to him. Since you were able to reach a compromise with the smoking (he won't quit but he'll do it out of sight of the littles), you might be able to reach a similar compromise with him leaving the house at odd hours.

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#6 of 9 Old 08-17-2009, 12:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm going through a major custody battle with the ex over whether he lives here or there. My son wants to live here, but his father gets money if he stays there cause of adoption support, so he's begging him to stay. ds wants to be here cause his father won't let him really have a life at all. he put him in independant study and seculded him in the house the rest of the week all but a couple hours to go bowling & an hour for boyscouts and no exercise at all. Behaviors there were escalating beyond safety and he needs to be here where I'll allow him to have friends, go to school, church and activities. We are very little drama family and his father's house is total drama with the new wife and her daughter. Also, my little ones live here and they miss oldest and he misses them. It's been 2.5 yrs since he lived with us! Yes, he wants to come because things are less strict here, but he literally didn't have a life there. I am providing a healthy life with plenty of rules and guides and my parents to support me and no man in my life at all. I have no idea why he goes out at night, but think he's still going out once in a while. He says it was just the once and that he was only sitting in the driveway, but he has a history of horrible lies which can be terrible trying to break the habit.

I tend to believe him, but question if I should due to his history. :-(

Worried, scared, frustrated, sick mama here... just wanting support! thanks ladies.
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#7 of 9 Old 08-17-2009, 02:05 AM
 
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same person, new name. I have changed my name to Mama-C. I was want2homeschool. thanks.

Mama-C
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#8 of 9 Old 08-17-2009, 07:08 PM
 
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Well, I'm not a parent to a teen yet, but I was a rebellious teen not so long ago (25 now), so even though I am a responsible person now, I can still relate to what it’s like to be a rule breaking teenager.

It seems obvious to me, but have you really sat down to talk with him and see what’s going on? I know as a parent it sometimes seems like the right thing to do is enforce our rules and have our kids do what we would like them to do, but one can get so caught up in this that relationships can be damaged and kids feel the need to lie and sneak around. Personally, I’d work on getting to a place where your DS feels comfortable talking to you and telling you what his needs are, and vice versa.

I’m not advocating allowing him to walk all over you and totally disrespect your wishes, but he is 16, almost an adult, so there needs to be a lot of compromise. Trying to force him into what you want is only going to backfire, trust me, so it’s going to take a lot of work finding a middle ground.

Lots of support to you, mama. I'm sorry you're having a tough time

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#9 of 9 Old 08-19-2009, 08:07 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post
I disagree. He's only 16 and not an adult and he's living under her roof so he should abide by her rules. Sure he will smoke regardless of whether she knows about it or not, but she has every right to tell him it's not allowed in her home or on her property. He's still a child. I'm betting she still feeds and clothes him, plus he has a nice warm place to lay his head at night. He needs to learn to respect her more. And he will never do that if he doesn't have rules. Kids need rules whether they act like they do or not.

OP - you didn't say why your DS wanted to move back in with you? I'm sure his father had rules too? He probably got tired of his rules and wants to do things his way and that's not right.

I agree. Respect is a two-way street.

No one is allowed to smoke in or around my home or vehicle.

And it doesn't matter why he is sneaking out. The OP is responsible for him, as he is still a minor. If he gets into trouble, she could also be in trouble.

Trust me. I know of what I speak. My mother raised my nephew from the age of 4, and he put her through sheer hell. No one would help her, either. She did everything to try to help him. Counselors, doctors, everything.

He even broke into her house, after running away, stole things and tore up the house. The law slapped him on the wrist, so he basically was told, by the legal system, that is was okay for him to commit a crime. He even lived with us, for awhile, until he started hitting my kids and then he had to go.

You cannot win as a parent. You try to enforce rules, people tell you to back off. You don't enforce rules, people tell you that you are a bad parent.
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