I hear you. It is absolutely amazing and humbling to see what comes out of us as parents in times of extreme stress. I'm guessing that this type of interaction doesn't represent your day to day interactions based on how badly you feel. Try to remember that. Talk w/ your dd about it in a calm time. Talk about making a mistake, about feeling overwhelmed by the interaction. Can you come up together with a plan of what to do when things escalate?
I read something the other day that really struck me. The piece was addressing those moments that are getting out of control or escalating to a place where there is no good end. It said that someone had to choose to break the cycle in that moment, and the someone needed to be the parent. Simple, but true.
Lately I have been going over and over my interactions w/ my pre-teen. we have a generally close and loving relationship, but there are definitely lots of emotions whizzing around out there, and unexpected intensely emotional interactions. So many times I think, "I could have diffused that moment". I could have walked away, used humor, asked my partner for help, hugged my child (because I do really believe it's all about connection)....the list goes on. I have to work to make these responses automatic because too often the default is annoyance, which helps no one.
Anyway, long winded, but please know you aren't alone. And, we can all learn to navigate this time-I sincerely believe it-and keep the connection with our kids.