Clingy/Overbearing Friend of DS - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-13-2009, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hope this is the right section..

My son is 10, and has many friends in our neighborhood. So far, we've been able to set limits well when friends can come over to play. No school days, etc. Well, there's a certain girl, who's 12 (though she seems immature for her age, if that matters), and lives down the block from us. She's literally knocking on our door several times a day, every. single. day. asking if my son can play. We've told her several times our rules - not during the week and he'll call her when he has time available. She either doesn't care or thinks it doesn't matter. She'll just stand in front of our front door and knock/ring the bell for several minutes until we answer. On top of this, she has her own cell phone, and before we blocked it, she would call at least 7-10 times A DAY. We blocked it because she would not respect our asking she not call so often.

In addition to these issues, she seems to be a 'troubled' child of sorts.. she swears often and I've overheard her a couple times boasting about shoplifting and being able to do, "whatever she wants." So apparently there's little parental control there. From what I understand, her grandparents have guardianship of her. I've talked with them several times about all this, and they claim they'll do something about it, but nothing it seems has been done.


What would you do in this situation? TIA.

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#2 of 7 Old 09-15-2009, 06:51 PM
 
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Couldn't read and not reply. Your title indicates she's a friend of your son. Does your son actually enjoy hanging with her?

My best advice is to go back to the grandparents. Get specific with them, tell them it's not OK for her to stand at the door and ring/knock for several minutes until you answer the door. How specific and firm with her are you?

However- there is a reason she's there knocking on your door, and she might be sensing that you've got something she can't get at home. And I'm not sure what you should do with that information.

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#3 of 7 Old 09-16-2009, 01:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi and thanks for the response.

They're friendly, but not what I would call friends. When she would call, he was never interested in talking to her...when she comes to our door so often, he's just as perplexed and irritated. But when they do play for a little bit running around the backyard they seem to have fun. It doesn't seem go much deeper then that for him.

I obviously need to be much firmer about this, but face to face, in reality, it makes me feel like a bit of a jerk when I can tell that she's coming here because she doesn't really have anyplace else to go... You can tell this girl is super sensitive and always seems crushed whenever I turn her away, as in the brink of tears on top of whatever other issues she having. I've told her directly that she's invited on weekends only and to not come to our house. I've also told her many times to stop because this bothers us greatly. I think she's lonely and doesn't have much to do and hopes for that I might change my mind for some reason..

I obviously need to have another talk with the grandparents. I don't know them at all except seeing them occasionally in the neighborhood. I've approached them twice in the past and told them directly (and respectfully) exactly what she was doing and to talk to her about not coming to my house so much. They just seems kinda' annoyed to be bothered and I got nods and ok's as a response... they didn't seem all that interested.

Frustrating situation to say the least..

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#4 of 7 Old 09-16-2009, 11:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaki View Post
I hope this is the right section..

My son is 10, and has many friends in our neighborhood. So far, we've been able to set limits well when friends can come over to play. No school days, etc. Well, there's a certain girl, who's 12 (though she seems immature for her age, if that matters), and lives down the block from us. She's literally knocking on our door several times a day, every. single. day. asking if my son can play. We've told her several times our rules - not during the week and he'll call her when he has time available. She either doesn't care or thinks it doesn't matter. She'll just stand in front of our front door and knock/ring the bell for several minutes until we answer. On top of this, she has her own cell phone, and before we blocked it, she would call at least 7-10 times A DAY. We blocked it because she would not respect our asking she not call so often.

In addition to these issues, she seems to be a 'troubled' child of sorts.. she swears often and I've overheard her a couple times boasting about shoplifting and being able to do, "whatever she wants." So apparently there's little parental control there. From what I understand, her grandparents have guardianship of her. I've talked with them several times about all this, and they claim they'll do something about it, but nothing it seems has been done.


What would you do in this situation? TIA.
It might sound antisocial, but I've found that not answering the door helps cut back on kid visitors. I won't answer the door at certain times of the day (such as when DS is doing homework or while we're eating dinner), and the rest of my family is on board with the practice. I even put a little sign on the door that says "Spending time as a family. Please stop again later." It has cut down on a lot of visits from kids who would stop by at all hours. On the weekend, our "door answering hours" are from just after lunch to about 3 p.m. Since this girl doesn't seem to have boundaries, you may have to give her a heads up- "Suzy, you may stop by between X:00 and Y:00. If you come over to the house when it is not those times, we won't be answering the door."

It's a shame this girl has so little positive influence in her life. Doesn't sound like there's much there to work with since her grandparents don't seem to care. Probably the best you can do is talk to your son about her behavior and language- "I heard Suzy say some inappropriate things today, and I just want to thank you for not using that kind of language. I'm so glad you express yourself with nicer words." or something. Chances are he already knows he should swear or shoplift, but a little recognition that he doesn't can't hurt.

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#5 of 7 Old 09-22-2009, 03:28 PM
 
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I live in a different kind of neighbourhood. Do you really have no schoolday visits? None? Ever?

It just doesn't seem very... neighbourly.

If I'd moved into your neighbourhood and I was a kid and I didn't have a lot going on, I'd be really confused. I'd phone or visit 7 or 10 times a day trying to figure out when you're available for a neighbourly visit.

After that I'd figure out if I actually liked the other kids and if they liked me.
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#6 of 7 Old 09-22-2009, 09:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I live in a different kind of neighbourhood. Do you really have no schoolday visits? None? Ever?

It just doesn't seem very... neighbourly.

If I'd moved into your neighbourhood and I was a kid and I didn't have a lot going on, I'd be really confused. I'd phone or visit 7 or 10 times a day trying to figure out when you're available for a neighbourly visit.

After that I'd figure out if I actually liked the other kids and if they liked me.
Generally, the kids are too busy on school days for visits with clubs and my eldest son's various therapies for visits, but if we're home and not in the middle of homework or dinner, visits are fine (but rare due to above reasons).

I might be misunderstanding you, but I'm not sure how that's unneighborly? This girl and my son played on and off all summer and are beyond the 'getting to know you' stage. The issue is she doesn't respect our time as a family or know limits. She *knows* she is welcome on the weekends when we're not so hectic, but she insists on asking/begging to hang out even when she knows that time isn't good for us.

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#7 of 7 Old 09-23-2009, 03:46 PM
 
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I think I would move to not answering the door on weekdays. She might ring the bell over and over but eventually she will give up, right? I hope!

Obviously being nice but firm hasn't worked. Time to try another tactic.

Suzan, mama to DS 9-18-07 and #2 EDD 3/4/10 GIRL!.
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