Scared ds will end up getting beaten up! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 09-17-2009, 10:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My eldest ds (10) occasionally touches his male friends inappropriatly and has not stopped doing so even though we have discussed why he shouldn't. I've explained how many people still think behaving like that/ being a homosexual is a good excuse to hurt someone. One of his good friends made up a nasty song about ds being gay. I don't know what to do. I have said how we (dh and I) don't care if he (ds) is straight or gay, how he must not touch anyone there, but it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. I'm going to speak wit his school councler tomorrow I think. See what advice she can give me. Anyone been there, done that? Any advice? Anyone had a child do this then admit they are homosexual? I want my son to be happy AND safe, but right now I don't know what to do!
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#2 of 27 Old 09-17-2009, 10:48 PM
 
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At 10 he is old enough to understand what he doing is not acceptable. I would actually consider counseling to get to the bottom of why he keeps doing this. He is old enough now that you very well may find yourself in court over this. Also this kind of thing has to be traumatizing to the kids he is doing it to.

 
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#3 of 27 Old 09-17-2009, 10:53 PM
 
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I'm scared your son is going to get arrested.

At the moment, I would focus on the behavior (which is unacceptable) and leave questions about his sexuality for later. He may be gay. He may be straight. I would focus on one, clear message, which is that he has to stop doing this. Also, I'd talk to a child psychologist with experience in dealing with children and sexual abuse about this, not just to a school counselor.
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#4 of 27 Old 09-17-2009, 11:00 PM
 
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I agree w/ MeepyCat on all her points. At this time, I'd be at least equally concerned about him getting arrested and prosecuted for a sexual offense. I don't know about Kentucky, but in my state a child as young as 8 can be prosecuted.

If my DD had a classmate who was touching her inappropriately, I'd raise the roof.

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#5 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 02:33 AM
 
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I don't see how this situation has anything to do with gay/straight. If he was doing this to his female friends it would be just as serious. Maybe even more since it couldn't be construed as locker room behavior. He is violating his friends personal boundaries and that is not ok and may get him arrested or suspended/expelled from school. I would seek counseling for him because he needs to fully understand and act upon the knowledge and belief that other people have a right to not be sexually harassed/assaulted by him (male or female/gay or straight). I can tell you are terrified for him and I feel for you I just think you may be coming from the wrong angle.
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#6 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 02:47 AM
 
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Also, please be prepared that if you talk to the school counselor she is most likely a mandated reporter.

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#7 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 03:12 AM
 
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I don't have kids earth side yet ... but, yea, this is a matter for counseling. Most children aged 10 and up - homosexual or heterosexual - do not touch other children inappropriately. This is something that you need to work out in counseling with him.

I would be more worried about someone filing sexual harassment charges against him than him getting beaten up. I know if I had a ten year old, and one of their peers touched them inappropriately - I, too, would raise the roof!

Go look up your state laws, as the pp was right - kids as young as 8 can be charged.

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#8 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 08:13 AM
 
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Another voice to say that this is not an issue of sexual orientation, so I would table that discussion.

What I would do ASAP, like today, is get help. You need, IMO, to act, because if you don't someone else will. Your son needs to be safe, and other children need to be safe. Yes, I would talk with the school counselor, and I would probably get ahead of the issue and talk with the principal to let them know that you are aware of, and responding with appropriate concern and measures to help the siuation. Personally, I would make a call to your pedi or family doctor, to discuss, but also be on record as recognizing, and responding to, this concerning issue. If you can get a referral to a therapist, I'd make that call today as well.

Your child is at risk, and other children are at risk. I don't know the backstory here, or if you have concerns about other children in your household, but this is dangerous behavior and your son needs help now.
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#9 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 11:46 AM
 
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Honestly...I would totally bypass the school counselor and principal and see a private therapist RIGHT AWAY. I wouldn't want my child to be perceived as a sexual predator in their school environment unless I was sure that was the case. You can't untell those people.
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#10 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 11:48 AM
 
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What everyone else said.

1) Talk to your son's doctor TODAY, for a referral to counseling AND an appointment. With your son's behavior, there is a very real possibility that your son has experienced past and/or ongoing sexual abuse. Your son's doc needs to talk with your son AND possibly do an exam, including checking for physical signs of abuse and doing swabs for sexually transmitted diseases. Your proactive, supportive approach needs to be on the official record, as well.

2) Talk to your son's school counselor. Let him/her know what is going on, how you have attempted to address it so far, and ask for assistance in helping your son.

3) This has nothing to do with whether your son is gay or straight. This is inappropriate sexual behavior in a young child. If your child were violently hitting and attacking children, would you worry about his orientation? No, you'd worry about why he was doing that and how to help him.

Good luck.
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#11 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 12:30 PM
 
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I agree 110% that your son should be seen by his doctor and by an independent therapist. I would NOT go to through the school just yet. Yes, the others are also mandated reporters, but the school might not get involved from the get-go. You don't want your son targeted there just yet. But you can't expect the school to sit on this information and not keep the other kids safe.

I also agree that this isn't a gay vs straight issue - it's one of harassment and molestation. By and/or to your son.
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#12 of 27 Old 09-18-2009, 12:37 PM
 
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I'm surprised that no one has mentioned this-- he very well may be acting out from having been sexually molested himself. Something to explore in therapy, anyway.

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#13 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 06:18 PM
 
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OP, I know you've gotten some pretty serious responses here, and it's bound to be a lot to take in. I hope you'll come back and update us.
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#14 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 06:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LionTigerBear View Post
I'm surprised that no one has mentioned this-- he very well may be acting out from having been sexually molested himself. Something to explore in therapy, anyway.
This. And I would consider keeping him home from school until this is worked out, honestly. For his safety, and for other's safety, but also because if there is someone abusing him, and it comes out in therapy, he's going to need some time to process things and not be around peers who will be hard on him. Check your state's laws - it could be really easy to keep him home for a while until this all gets worked out - and it will be better for him. Hoping this all gets resolved

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#15 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 06:43 PM
 
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No way would I let him go to school (or play unsupervised) until this is fixed.

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#16 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 10:20 PM
 
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Groping other children is not a sign of homosexuality. It is a sign of something being off.

What does your son say about it, have you asked him why he does it?

Do you suspect he's been molested? Has he been interested in sex or shown any behaviors leading up to this that you've thought were concerning?

I would definitely get him into therapy, I would be wanting to know if he was touched by someone.

It's definitely outside the parameters of normal for a 10 year old child to be touching anyone on their privates- especially when it is unwanted touch.
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#17 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 10:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have to laugh at some of these replies! Over reaction or what! I have already made contact with the school councilor and am looking for a child psychologys anyway to reassess ds's meds for ADHD and some concerns dh and I have about ds's anxiaty levels.
As to the accusations that ds has been abused, I am the only one who could have done so. Ummmm, yea, not sure what else I can say in that subject!
Why do some of you think I should pull ds out of school? To protect whom? By occasionally I mean 3 times in over 4 years! The issues weneed help with are ds's impulse control, his lack of control with his emotions and his negativity and his ADHD. All things we have been dealing with for years.
As to the helpful advice. Thank you! I feel better knowing we are doing the right thing by going through the school for help.
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#18 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 10:49 PM
 
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hillymum,

We're not here to berate you or accuse you of anything. Please, just listen to the kind people who have taken time to read your story and respond.

Ask yourself..."What would I do if MY CHILD were being abused the way he is currently abusing others?"

I think that's where you'll find your answers.

As for you being the only one who could have abused your child, and therefore there is NO abuse....he does go to school, right? He is out of your sight and your reach 8 hours per day.

More medication won't fix this. You posted that your child is sexually assaulting other kids. That means he needs more than a pharmacological fix. Please listen to these wise parents.

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#19 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 10:49 PM
 
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Not knowing about his ADHD and impulse control would have affected a lot of the answers I would imagine. Since I am not at all familiar with the aspects of those things I dont have any advice other than having him talk to someone.

When I saw occasionally I thought more a few times a month rather than yearly.

 
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#20 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 11:07 PM
 
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Have you looked into bipolar disorder? Bipolar disorder is often misdiagnosed as ADHD. The sexual acting out is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder.

I must say I am very surprised at your flippant response to people's concern. If my child had another child grab their genitals I would be very, very upset and insist that the other child get help and be held responsible. You are acting as if it is not big deal that he has done this. It is a big deal. Regardless of whether it is caused by a condition it doesn't make it okay.

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#21 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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I will be 100% honest here if it was my kid being touched I would take the steps to get the one who done it help and if the child didnt get help I would be pressing charges.

I never want my child to think I didnt protect them if they where being abused and yes crotch grabbing is abuse when it is unwanted.

 
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#22 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 11:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Where did I say grabbing? Ds hasn't grabbed anyone? Dear god! Do you really think i would come to an open forum and announce my ds was grabbing his friend privates? Lord, now I understand the over reaction of some of these replies! He's smacked his friends bum! He once pinched a friend on his bum. You think this makes him a molester or abuser? Oh boy, got to love the people on MDC at times!

MCatLvrMom2A&X, thank you for your reply!
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#23 of 27 Old 09-19-2009, 11:45 PM
 
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I think a big part of the "overreaction" has to do with your ambiguous wording in the OP. It did sound as if he was grabbing other children's genitals more than once a year.

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#24 of 27 Old 09-20-2009, 12:15 AM
 
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Where did I say grabbing? Ds hasn't grabbed anyone? Dear god! Lord, now I understand the over reaction of some of these replies! He's smacked his friends bum! He once pinched a friend on his bum.

MCatLvrMom2A&X, thank you for your reply!
That makes a big difference in my reply. I just assumed when you said inappropriately touching the he was grabbing genitals not smacking bums. I never thought of slapping bums as inappropriate touching before. My dd does it especially to her younger brother me and other family members. I am trying to break her from it since I dont want her doing it to kids or heaven forbid teachers at school.

I think you should go back up in the OP and put all the other information in there and I bet you will get some good advice on how to deal with the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum
Do you really think i would come to an open forum and announce my ds was grabbing his friend privates?
Well it happens more than you might think. I have come across several posts exactly like that in the years I have been posting here.

 
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#25 of 27 Old 09-20-2009, 12:30 AM
 
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Having gotten a picture of what's actually happening, I'd say the over-reaction comes in the form of assuming that he's going to get beaten up and/or labeled as gay for what many people who play team sports do. You definitely made it sound like a bigger deal than it is. Definitely more dramatic.
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#26 of 27 Old 09-20-2009, 01:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hillymum View Post
He's smacked his friends bum! He once pinched a friend on his bum. You think this makes him a molester or abuser? Oh boy, got to love the people on MDC at times!
!
LMBO.... OK, but still, butt slapping is only acceptable when immediately followed with "Good Game" and usually while wearing football gear.

Otherwise, it's just kinda creepy. While I wouldn't assume he's going to be accused of assault, the other kids ARE going to give him a hard time. I doubt they will beat him up though.

Occasionally, it's not a terrible thing he learns a lesson the hard way. It'd be better if he just figured it out on his own, but if he doesn't it's not the end of the world if his friends let him know that they aren't going to put up with it.
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#27 of 27 Old 09-20-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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OP, you're sending really conflicting messages here. You seem to be laughing off, or downplaying your son's "butt slapping" or "pinching" behavior, yet you were concerned enough about his welfare to post here about not wanting him to get beaten up?

While I initially thought not, is this really a concern about what you perceive as your son's sexuality? You seemed to be asking for support/help with that question.

I have a child close in age to yours. I don't see your son's behavior as being well received by either other kids or their parents. Kids are pretty aware of their growing/changing bodies at this point. I do think it's cause for concern, and I hope you can get him appropriate help.
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