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#1 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 07:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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What's your opinion on teens (probably more girls than guys) and vibrators? Does yours have one? What would you do if you found one (or a similar "tool" perhaps not used for its intended purpose) in their room? At a certain age would you 'allow access' without actively buying it for them? Would you actually buy it for them if they asked? Would you be okay if a trusted person (ie. sibling, best friend, aunt) bought? Is the rule at your house that no one is allowed to masturbate until they're married? Do you consider masturbation with an object "as bad as underage drinking"? Do you own one?

(After spending the last hour going through archives on this forum I feel the need to say: please do not make this into something it's not. I'm not talking about showing your kid pornography. Just your thoughts on encouraging, normalizing or discouraging masturbation).

I ask because for my sister's last birthday I bought her a vibrating dolphin-ish thing (about the size of half your thumb, not internal, intended as something amusing) as part of her "coming of age" box full of more serious things (books, directions and phone numbers for sexual health clinics, crisis lines, quotes about feminism, condoms, etc). I had two sillier ice-breakers: a child-like makeup kit and that, with the clear intent to be ironic.
Opinions seem to be mixed on whether I am sick and perverted, or secretly awesome. We had openly discussed masturbation and sex before, so she did think it was funny, as I intended it to be. I also received the same gift from peers at the same age and immediately showed my mom, who thought it was hilarious. Maybe this is an issue of being raised more openly?... Anyway, I'm curious what opinions are here on being open about masturbation with your teens, or if their siblings were.

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#2 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 09:13 AM
 
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I'd be okay with it. We talk about these things. I'd help her pick one if she asked for it, and would see the intended humor if someone else gave it to her.

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#3 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 09:20 AM
 
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I am okay with it. To be honest, I much rather have my teen play with a vibrator than with a boy.

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#4 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 01:08 PM
 
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Seems like a completely bizarre birthday present for a little sister who is a teen, even if you are raising her.

Not at all bizarre for a teen to buy their own at a drug store.
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#5 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 01:10 PM
 
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I am okay with it. To be honest, I much rather have my teen play with a vibrator than with a boy.
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#6 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 01:14 PM
 
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I know for a fact that my mom found mine when I was like 16. At least she didn't take it from me. There is NO way she would have bought it though.

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#7 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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I hope to have an open enough relationship with my daughter to be involved in the vibrator buying process when she's a teen. I would definately never take one away if I found one!
My teen years would have been much different if I'd had that sort of relationship with my mom, or anyone else for that matter.

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#8 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 01:24 PM
 
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Hi I bolded my responses to your questions. I think your gift was just fine! And appropriate. Though just curious how old is your younger sister I think it'd be a better gift for say a 15/16 year old rather than a just turned 13 year old. But that's my opinion.
I think It's better to give a teen all the info and things they need to make good decisions rather than just saying don't do it, don't touch yourself or anybody else...what does that accomplish except for guilt, hiding, and unsafe situations.

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What's your opinion on teens (probably more girls than guys) and vibrators? I think it'd be good for them to be able to explore their sexuality and urges with a safe toy rather than a potentially unsafe partner or situation

Does yours have one? I don't have a teen yet, just speaking from my heart and brain

What would you do if you found one (or a similar "tool" perhaps not used for its intended purpose) in their room? I wouldn't make a big deal of it, probably just ignore that it was found as it's a private thing

At a certain age would you 'allow access' without actively buying it for them? Sure....oh and as a side note my ex husband's mother found his "stash" of magazines and videos when he was a teen (given to him by his older brother) and threw them all out. She found the new stash when he was about 22 or so and did the same thing again. Saying it was awful and horrible and telling him he needed to spend more time at church. And after we divorced and he moved back in with his parents she once again found his stash, he was now about 30, and told him the same thing. SHe threw them out and said you need to go to church. I felt so bad for him and know that I will be WAY more open with my kids

Would you actually buy it for them if they asked? If they asked, I would try to help them with the decision about what would be best for them or buy one I thought was good and give it to them

Would you be okay if a trusted person (ie. sibling, best friend, aunt) bought? Sure, wouldn't bother me at all

Is the rule at your house that no one is allowed to masturbate until they're married? This statement is just crazy! Do you actually know someone who has this rule?! How does a person learn about themselves and what they like and enjoy unless they get to "practice"?

Do you consider masturbation with an object "as bad as underage drinking"? Again, NO. Do you know someone with this mentality? Masturbation is perfectly natural and normal and I feel should not be discouraged as long as it doesn't become an obssesion and is done in privacy (such as bedroom/bathroom).

Do you own one? Yes, I own two actually. My first was bought for me by a boyfriend when I was about 19 or 20. IT was cheap plastic and not at all nice. And he was too embarassed to use it on me, so it was kind of pointless and was thrown out when we broke up. I bought a nice one for myself (also happens to be a dolphin!) around that same time. And my DP and I bought one together that we use on occasion as part of our love-making.

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#9 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 01:37 PM
 
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My older sister is the one who bought me my first vibe at 16. I think its almost a right of passage. I'd rather my daughter (One on the way woot!!) come and talk to me about it and me be involved than to get mixed information from her peers.

ETA: However if I had had another daughter I wouldn't mind my elder daughter doing the "rite of passage" thing in my stead as long as I was in the loop.

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#10 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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Seems like a completely bizarre birthday present for a little sister who is a teen, even if you are raising her.

Not at all bizarre for a teen to buy their own at a drug store.


Another thing--I wouldn't want to suggest to a teen that she needs a tool for this purpose. She may well be doing fine without.

As for conversations--I will be (am) open and supportive of self-exploration.
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#11 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 02:44 PM
 
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I guess I'm along the line of thinking..."what they do in the privacy of the bedroom is up to them"....If I found something, I would not remove it. I would never give it as a gift, however. If they have questions, I answer them. But, I still think modesty is a virtue and there are some things better left private.

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#12 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 03:17 PM
 
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My kids have suggested that I get one. Sassy little brats. But no I would not buy one for any family member. As far as masturbation we have a please do it privately and knock before entering kids' bedrooms policy. I believe it is healthy and normal and best done in private.
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#13 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 03:21 PM
 
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what Thankfulforfive said....

i didnt have vibrator until i was married at age 21, and then got a few more over the years.

if it were my daughter and she asked me to buy one for her, id say no. i started when i was 10 by myself, without the use of a device, and she can do the same.

It's a dont ask, dont tell type of situation for me. i try to be open minded but i am an ostrich when it comes to sex and my kids. maybe ill change my mind when they hit their teens.

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#14 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 03:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seems like a completely bizarre birthday present for a little sister who is a teen, even if you are raising her.

Not at all bizarre for a teen to buy their own at a drug store.
Just to clear that up: she wasn't living with me at that time.

I've heard an absolute ton of people say they got their first from a sibling, in fact most people I asked seem to answer with that or that they found something in the house to use (electric toothbrush, et all).
Out of curiosity, what makes it bizarre? That we talk about these things or that I'm older than she is? Something else?

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This statement is just crazy! Do you actually know someone who has this rule?! How does a person learn about themselves and what they like and enjoy unless they get to "practice"?
LOL, yes and no. When I wrote about it I had someone react that way, and the "as bad as underage drinking" thing and equated the gift as being the same as buying her vodka.

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#15 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 03:27 PM
 
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I don't have a teen yet, so take my answers with a grain of salt. I personally would never actually buy someone else a vibrator, but I wouldn't remove it if I found it. And I kind of feel like thats the sort of thing you should spend your own money on. But if they were underage and needed to be able to purchase one online, I would be willing to use my CC for it, I think. Oh, but I guess all this does depend on age, athough I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, i think it's helpful to learn how to do it without a toy (and my preferred method anyway . But I'm just much more comfortable with the idea of a 16 year old having one than with the idea of a 12 or 13 year old having one....idk

I don't have any issue with masturbation though, and they will (hopefully) know that it's just fine, as long as you do it in private.

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#16 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 03:28 PM
 
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I am okay with it. To be honest, I much rather have my teen play with a vibrator than with a boy.


I would buy her one if she asked, I wouldn't get her one unprompted though. I did tell her about a year ago that I would if she ever wanted. Dh was horrified. It hasn't come up again.
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#17 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 03:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i started when i was 10 by myself, without the use of a device, and she can do the same.
I have to ask about this one: when having this discussion with other women many expressed that they had a lot of problems or fear surrounding learning to masturbate as a teen, and the issue of sexual health in girls seems like a really slippery slope for a lot of people.
A huge majority of my girlfriends figured out early that they had a lot of trouble 'getting there' and assumed their bodies were broken. This led to a huge amount of fear, insecurity, relationship problems, etc until they sort of "got it" later on in life (generally by their 20's) and figured out what the issue was. We all know that sexual exploration and masturbation is healthy, orgasms are good for your body and brain, etc... but sometimes I think there's a certain amount of misogyny laced into the teenage girls/masturbation issue (ie. we want our girls to be 'pure' but boys masturbating, or using household stuff, is totally okay). So, the whole, "if I can do it without help she can too" really rubs me the wrong way.

In my family (my mom's side definitely), sexual health is just as important as any other health. That includes safety and general knowledge, as well as knowing that it's okay to experiment. While I didn't talk a lot with my mom about masturbation, I did listen very intently when she had things to say. She also always made it clear that she would buy that type of thing for me if I wanted it. I just didn't have the guts to ask her! (Living in a VERY small town I didn't have the guts to buy my own, either! I wouldn't even buy a pregnancy test AFTER I was married!).

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#18 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:08 PM
 
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Out of curiosity, what makes it bizarre? That we talk about these things or that I'm older than she is? Something else?
Talking about it at her request: not bizarre.
Being older: not bizarre.

Interjecting yourself into the masturbation life of a 15 year old without a request for information or assistance: bizarre.
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#19 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Interjecting yourself into the masturbation life of a 15 year old without a request for information or assistance: bizarre.
How do you know she didn't ask?

And... why is buying a gag gift (not applicable for internal use) the same as "interjecting yourself into the masturbation life of a 15 year old"? The difference (or the "line") seems to be enabling her to enjoy her body, rather than keeping the topic as a "don't ask, don't tell"... and that's creepy and bizarre?
Would buying her condoms be "interjecting myself into her sex life"? I could go on!

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#20 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:21 PM
 
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I think it's awesome that you bought your sister a vibrator Hey, it's safe sex with someone that she loves, herself

Hi I'm Elle, a ing mama to my boy, Honeybun
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#21 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:26 PM
 
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I have to ask about this one: when having this discussion with other women many expressed that they had a lot of problems or fear surrounding learning to masturbate as a teen, and the issue of sexual health in girls seems like a really slippery slope for a lot of people.
A huge majority of my girlfriends figured out early that they had a lot of trouble 'getting there' and assumed their bodies were broken. This led to a huge amount of fear, insecurity, relationship problems, etc until they sort of "got it" later on in life (generally by their 20's) and figured out what the issue was. We all know that sexual exploration and masturbation is healthy, orgasms are good for your body and brain, etc... but sometimes I think there's a certain amount of misogyny laced into the teenage girls/masturbation issue (ie. we want our girls to be 'pure' but boys masturbating, or using household stuff, is totally okay). So, the whole, "if I can do it without help she can too" really rubs me the wrong way.

In my family (my mom's side definitely), sexual health is just as important as any other health. That includes safety and general knowledge, as well as knowing that it's okay to experiment. While I didn't talk a lot with my mom about masturbation, I did listen very intently when she had things to say. She also always made it clear that she would buy that type of thing for me if I wanted it. I just didn't have the guts to ask her! (Living in a VERY small town I didn't have the guts to buy my own, either! I wouldn't even buy a pregnancy test AFTER I was married!).
not to put all my personal history out there, but i learned about my own sexuality very very early in my childhood due to circumstances beyond my control. it was never discussed in my family but i knew what i was doing.

to this day, it is the only way to for to orgasm, other than via oral, but even that can be difficult.

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#22 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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How do you know she didn't ask?

And... why is buying a gag gift (not applicable for internal use) the same as "interjecting yourself into the masturbation life of a 15 year old"? The difference (or the "line") seems to be enabling her to enjoy her body, rather than keeping the topic as a "don't ask, don't tell"... and that's creepy and bizarre?
Would buying her condoms be "interjecting myself into her sex life"? I could go on!
Why is it a gag gift? Lots of serious talk here about sexual health and coming of age. Why is sex/masturbation funny? Enjoyable, yes. Funny, no.

Did she ask? You implied this was a birthday present that you gave her. If she asked for a vibrator, wouldn't that be something you enabled her to pick out for herself.

I didn't say creepy. I said bizarre.

The masturbation life of a 15 year old is private. If she asks for advice, support or information, responding to her is entirely appropriate. If she's a normally developing 15 year old she can likely enable herself in enjoying her own body without an older sister helping her "come of age."

As for condoms, it seems to me that it will serve her more to accompany her on her first trip to spend her money on condoms at her request, rather than buying them for her. If she is beginning a sexual life, the development of the skills of sexual health would be best "enabled" by her taking responsibility for herself, rather than an older sister making a joke of it.
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#23 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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not to put all my personal history out there, but i learned about my own sexuality very very early in my childhood due to circumstances beyond my control. it was never discussed in my family but i knew what i was doing.

to this day, it is the only way to for to orgasm, other than via oral, but even that can be difficult.
Not to sound creepy, but I'm glad you found a way to enjoy yourself. I'm glad there are other options for women who have trouble.

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#24 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Holy smoke Chfriend, you are trying really hard on this! I don't think it's worth continuing a conversation with you, frankly. Let's just leave it at, "we have very different values" and agree to disagree, shall we?

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#25 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:40 PM
 
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Sorry you don't like my answer. Sounds like you were looking for a pat on the back, which some folks are happy to supply.
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#26 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry you don't like my answer.
Nope, wasn't that. Thanks for your input!

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#27 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 04:57 PM
 
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I think it was a nice gift. When i was a teen my mother would NEVER have done anything like that, and, having been raised by that mother, neither would my sister!

I do think being able to giggle about sex is healthy and takes the edge off for those of us who are the first break in the shame/silence/disapproval chain. I do agree that sexual health is a serious topic, but so is cancer and let me tell you, they sure laughed a lot at the hospice where my mother died! Sometimes humour opens communication in a way that serious heavy chats and educational discussions can't. When i learned about sexually transmitted diseases we all read/watched an info film/discussed the info and then had a good giggle learning the vital skill of putting a (luminous) condom on (a banana) properly and had a good laugh doing so. It made it much easier to talk to one another and the teacher afterwards that we'd been able to laugh together.

I think there is something about "coming of age" which says "you're a woman like me now, you are us, not 'them' (a little girl) anymore" and i think buying something a bit funny like a dolphin vibe strikes the right note there - it says "hey, you're a woman, i'm a woman, we all have needs, and here is a funny little nod to that to celebrate you becoming a woman". I would also, however, probably tell them that if they use it too much it might temporarily altertheir sensitivity in that area (i find if i use it more than once a week i can no longer reach orgasm without it, i think the area gets a bit "numbed" by it or something..?) but even then see - a useful opener for handy information!

Really littleteapot i think it's awesome - your thread title made me laugh, we have several bullets, a vibe one of my close friends got me to help "celebrate" me leaving my ex and a couple i've gotten free with other orders from a certain website and DH and i always exclaim "of course it's for stiff necks!" when we get one out
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#28 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 05:14 PM
 
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I have to ask about this one: when having this discussion with other women many expressed that they had a lot of problems or fear surrounding learning to masturbate as a teen, and the issue of sexual health in girls seems like a really slippery slope for a lot of people.
A huge majority of my girlfriends figured out early that they had a lot of trouble 'getting there' and assumed their bodies were broken. This led to a huge amount of fear, insecurity, relationship problems, etc until they sort of "got it" later on in life (generally by their 20's) and figured out what the issue was. We all know that sexual exploration and masturbation is healthy, orgasms are good for your body and brain, etc... but sometimes I think there's a certain amount of misogyny laced into the teenage girls/masturbation issue (ie. we want our girls to be 'pure' but boys masturbating, or using household stuff, is totally okay). So, the whole, "if I can do it without help she can too" really rubs me the wrong way.
This was me. I could not orgasm by myself. I was completely convinced my body was broken and I was the worst female ever b/c who can't orgasm? I spent years thinking I was a freak. Then I discovered vibrators (I was 20 or 21) . I wish i would have had a big sister who would have bought me something and helped me to see that masturbating is nothing to be ashamed of. You are awesome!

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#29 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 06:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do think being able to giggle about sex is healthy and takes the edge off for those of us who are the first break in the shame/silence/disapproval chain. I do agree that sexual health is a serious topic, but so is cancer and let me tell you, they sure laughed a lot at the hospice where my mother died! Sometimes humour opens communication in a way that serious heavy chats and educational discussions can't.
Yes, exactly. This was exactly what I meant by all that. And thank you for getting it.
We watch those commercials for those Neutrogena "wave" or whatever. The vibrating facial wash things, and absolutely burst out laughing. It's good to have a sense of humour about sexuality, it breaks the ice and it makes it easier to talk about. If I was all super serious about it I don't think she'd tell me the things about her experience that she has.. she knows she can trust me not to flip my top if she has a question, or had an experience. Just yesterday she asked me what was good for 'rugburn' (quick sex, no lube) and I gave her a couple of options, then made a joke about how men never have to deal with that. It helps make the conversation go smoothly to add in a joke.
Plus, that's just how we are in my house. She was over here watching TV when my 62 year old mom walked in and saw an advertisement for "finger neck vibrators" and yelled out, "Just call a spade a spade! It's a dildo! Yeesh" and walked away.


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it says "hey, you're a woman, i'm a woman, we all have needs, and here is a funny little nod to that to celebrate you becoming a woman". I would also, however, probably tell them that if they use it too much it might temporarily altertheir sensitivity in that area (i find if i use it more than once a week i can no longer reach orgasm without it, i think the area gets a bit "numbed" by it or something..?) but even then see - a useful opener for handy information!
That was exactly the intent.
Although, I did address that topic as an urban myth... (that you'll ruin yourself for sex - I know that's not what you said, don't worry), and it was also talked about under the context of a myth in one of the books I got her about sexuality too. I managed to find two totally awesome books to put in the box that she ended up loaning to literally every single one of her girlfriends (and some of the guys).
"Body Drama" and "Deal with it!" were their titles, I think. Really kickass stuff. I went through them myself with a stack of post-it notes and wrote down my thoughts, comments, experiences, etc as I went through because we were separated at that time and I wanted to give her the experience of sitting down and having these conversations with me, especially when they dealt with difficult topics (eating disorders, sexual abuse, etc). I expected her to throw away the post-its once she read them but she told me a little while ago that she actually kept them attached... even when she loaned them out! So, now all her friends know when I lost my virginity. Oh well.

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#30 of 44 Old 10-26-2009, 06:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This was me. I could not orgasm by myself. I was completely convinced my body was broken and I was the worst female ever b/c who can't orgasm? I spent years thinking I was a freak. Then I discovered vibrators (I was 20 or 21) .
It was me too, until I had some conversations with friends and figured out that they used household objects ... and suddenly I realized I was a normal person! My friends had suggestions about everything from toothbrushes to their parents' curling irons.

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