Would you apologize? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 50 Old 11-05-2009, 12:58 PM
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I definitely wouldn't apologize.

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#32 of 50 Old 11-05-2009, 01:27 PM
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Did he not have a friend on the team that he could catch a ride with? Maybe he should have a back up plan.

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#33 of 50 Old 11-05-2009, 02:32 PM
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Oh heck, I used to walk four miles to and from school (each way). Big whoop. I agree with the other posters that you should validate his feelings (but not apologize) and ask him how he wants to work on fixing the problem in the future. Maybe he DOES need a planner.

ETA: I'm wondering - was there no one he could have asked at the meeting to drive him home? Surely someone might have taken pity on him if he'd explained the situation?
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#34 of 50 Old 11-05-2009, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for your input!

I have not apologized. Sympthized that he did not like the walk. But I really do not feel sorry for him.

I do think his attitude is because he is not wanting to admit his foolish mistake.
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#35 of 50 Old 11-12-2009, 06:06 PM
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Oh wow. You guys are not all going to like this, but I would probably stop arranging rides for him altogether. Dude can use the phone. He can arrange his own ride or I would gladly outfit him in whatever wind-cutting winter bike gear he needs and after that he can be part of the solution against juvenile diabetes.

There is a 15 year old in my life who absolutely is horribly disrespectful with his mom about his schedule and when he wants to be picked up where. I got a little taste of it when he was staying with me a couple of weeks ago and had lost his cell phone for running up the bill. He would borrow a phone, make arrangements for me to meet to pick him up, and then not show. Twice. I ended up leaving him and he walked. My own child was late to a private lesson in another city because his world left no room for logistics.
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#36 of 50 Old 11-12-2009, 06:10 PM
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No, I wouldn't.
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#37 of 50 Old 11-12-2009, 07:20 PM
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OMG, I think I'm married to your son! (I swear, he's insisting that he's 39 years old...)

I have the same conversations with DH ALL THE TIME. It's maddening. And while the logic is correct, he needs to learn what they call "context clues" sometime in 8th grade and get the full meaning of the conversation, not just the words that are actually spoken. I wouldn't apologize, but I would work through his need to use logic when he's out in the world and not be so literal.
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#38 of 50 Old 11-12-2009, 07:24 PM
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No, and I don't believe in apologizing for things that aren't my fault, like "I'm sorry you didn't arrage a ride". I might say "I feel bad that you had to walk that far" but sorry? No.
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#39 of 50 Old 11-12-2009, 07:56 PM
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Another vote for a 'hah, that've sucked! Maybe next time you'll think for half a second before answering?' Seriously, how is this AT ALL your fault?!?!
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#40 of 50 Old 11-12-2009, 11:47 PM
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PLEASE don't feel too bad. As a teacher of kids his age, I beg you to do what you are doing, validate his feelings, and keep holding him to a reasonable standard of responsibility. The kids who learn to take on responsibilities bit by bit, instead of getting bailed out every single time, are so much more delightful AND successful by the time they're wrapping up high school. I know when I failed to arrange for a ride home, at a little bit older than that, I just walked home, too, and just felt a bit stupid for not having taken my bike in the first place. I would never get mad at my mom about that, but then, she never bailed me out when it was my fault with no terrible consequences, so I learned it was on me.
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#41 of 50 Old 11-13-2009, 12:36 AM
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I think you handled it GREAT mama!

And don't apologize, at least not for you doing anything wrong.

I've told my 16yo PLENTY of times "I'm sorry this didn't work out the way you expected it to" and meant it. Because I do, I know he's frustrated and annoyed, and I'm sorry! It's not my FAULT, and he's become an amazingly responsible kiddo...I think BECAUSE of handling it this way. It's a logical consequence, it sucks, it'll be a good gentle reminder of how to plan better in the future!

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
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#42 of 50 Old 11-13-2009, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
"I'm sorry you didn't think things through.. that must suck" Probably isn't the apology he was hoping for.
I love it!
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#43 of 50 Old 11-13-2009, 10:37 AM
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I thik HE should be coming to YOU whenever he needs a ride arranged. Why do you need to try to remember to arrange things for him?

Mama to a little lady and always praying for more.
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#44 of 50 Old 11-13-2009, 10:08 PM
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Teens see things oddly. That's why they get to have great adults in their lives.

Point out that he's the one who knew there were time obligations. Point out that you offered. Refrain from making the connections in an "I told you so" tone of voice.

That's it. Job done!

In about 70 years he'll come to you and thank you.

Moms all want to live to be 100 years old. That's because they figure that's about the time their kids will be able to say "thanks". I'm 48 and I still don't think I can say it to my mom. It's that hard.
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#45 of 50 Old 11-17-2009, 02:10 PM
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I would express I'm sorry he had to walk, but not take responsibility for it. 15 is old enough to show some awareness, he should have told you.
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#46 of 50 Old 11-27-2009, 10:50 PM
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No apology needed, at least not from you.

(Now HE might want to apologize for blaming you, later.)

I think that "I'm sorry" is an expression of empathy. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I apologize" is an expression of responsibility. "I apologize for getting mad at you for having to walk home when it was my own fault."

Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

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#47 of 50 Old 11-28-2009, 03:50 PM
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I'm surprised he couldn't have gotten a ride home with a friend. That seems like the best solution.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#48 of 50 Old 11-29-2009, 07:31 PM
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I would emphathize. "wow you walked 5 miles, I imagine your feet were really tired."

Ultimately it was his choice to walk. I'm sure he could have found SOMEONE from the swim meet to give him a ride in such a pinch, or a friend's house closer to the school or something.

I would probably compliment him on his making it home safely and handling it so you didn't have to leave work to go get him, how responsible. Making the best of a bad situation so it didn't jeopardize your working.

My kids are too darned lazy to walk 5 miles and would have just hassled me at work until I would have left. LOL. But ultimately it was HIS problem. He was the one stranded at the swim meet. (Dang that love and logic class) They would suggest he pay you for a cab ride home. But hey he just saved you the cab fare.

My teen dd,16, she gets her nose out of joint if SHE Changes her plans and I'm not there to pick her up at her whim. So walking home is always an option. I cannot wait until that girl gets her license and becomes a taxi service for her siblings. (Evil laughter)

I guess I'm "mean" and if it was one of my kids I'd probably laugh privately while I thought, "Let the consequences do the teaching." He didn't die from walking 5 miles and I hope he's extra careful in the future about his after school plans. With one car that's got to be tough on the whole family to plan for everyone's activities.

My son did this once in 7th grade but it was only 3 1/2 miles. He didn't wait at the designated meeting place for me. There was a dear friend's house ON the way home, about halfway in fact, where he could have stopped to call me and played games until his dad got off work with the car, but oh no he walked slowly home, brewing over it, and it got dark on him. And he missed the bus because *HE* doddled around and missed the late bus home. (Then I was worried at dark with no phone call and no son arriving home.) These mix ups happen sometimes.

I ask my kids in the a.m. "what are your after-school plans today?" Leaving it open-ended puts the ball in his court.

Then like the other poster's suggested problem solving with him other solutions in case he finds himself stuck somewhere without a ride ever again.
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#49 of 50 Old 11-29-2009, 09:34 PM
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At 15? He is well old enough to figure out a ride home for himself. Both of mine (15 & 17) know what my hours are at work (I also work 2-10 at least once a week), and they know when I'm available to get them to and fro. It's their responsibility to sort something out when I'm not available.
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#50 of 50 Old 12-02-2009, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
Yesterday, I reminded my 15-year-old son his dad was not going to be home until late. I then asked him if he had swim practice. I reminded him I needed to know so I could arrange a ride.

He said no swim practice.

But He did have a swim meeting -- he didn't tell me that.

Since I did not know, he had a meeting and could not ride the bus home. I did not find him a ride. I work from 1-10 pm and we have only one car. Therefore, there is no way I could have just left and got him. I was working and could not find him a ride. Even at that, our back up rides need more than 5 minutes notice in non-emergencies.

He is 15, not 5. He ended up walking 5 miles home.

He is still grumbling. I do not feel sorry. If he would have told me in the morning he would needed a ride I could have arranged one.

His argument is I asked if he had a swim practice. He did not have a practice, he had a meeting and those are two different things.

My opinion if he wants to ignore part of the conversation and not put two and two together he is going to miss many things. This time he missed a ride and had to walk. Next time?? Who knows but he really needs to pay attention. I could see it if I had not told him that he dad was not going to be able to pick him up. I could see it if I had not mention I would need to arrange for a ride.


Actually, this paying attention thing is on my last nerve. Our friends move the Halloween party from one home to the next. This year was our turn. This was decided last Halloween (we are new to the group). We had talked about, planned, ET for a year. Three days before he had no clue, it was as if we mentioned the party for the first time. We know we have discussed it with him and around him. He just did not pay attention.
omg! My son and I had the most fun discussing this!

Thanks for your post!

My son is 15 and runs cross country. He stays after school every day and constantly needs a ride home. So, from his perspective - you do not need to apologize. He did get your son's point that, No. He did not actually have practice. But he realized that not having practice didn't mean your ds didn't still need a ride.

Also, was I the only one checking the ages of the kids of those posters who suggested laughing in the 15 year olds face? GAH!

Trying to do the right thing with three kids and a hubby. 
ds23, dd21, ds20
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