Kids sleeping over at the opposite sex's house - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 09:40 PM
 
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not ever gonna happen at our house or our dc at another person's house. We don't do sleepovers of any kind anyway, but even if we did there would be no opposite sex sleeping over.

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#32 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 09:54 PM
 
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I don't know how "normal" it is and I don't know what I'll do with my own kids. But my mom let my bf stay the night when I was 15-16 years old. It was a serious bf, not just some guy I'd just started dating. She didn't want me stay at his house overnight, but she knew we were there unsupervised a lot during the day so I don't really get the reasoning. By the time my little sister had her first serious bf, she decided it was fine for her to stay the night at his house.

My mom said she just figured if we were going to have sex, we'd find a way to do it, day or night. My older sisters had a bad habit of sneaking off all the time and at getting picked up by the cops and stuff. I think she liked knowing where we were. It worked, we never felt the need to sneak off.

I did have sex with that bf, but never when he spent the night ironically. I was too afraid of getting caught. We'd do it during the day when everyone was at work. I think my mom probably knew that's how it would work.

I was raised to believe that sex was ok before marriage though. No one made a big deal about it. If you felt you were ready, just be safe. My moms biggest fear was not that we'd have sex, for sure. I still feel the same way and wouldn't worry if my kids were having sex so I guess I'd probably allow co-ed sleepovers.
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#33 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 09:58 PM
 
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Fine by us. The kids have sleepovers at all ages here, and we don't care what sex the other person is.
They are just friends. I'm not gonna sleep with my friends even if we're alone for a night, and I didn't when I was a teen.
And if they are boyfriend/girlfriend, and wants to be sexually active, then they're going to do it anyway. And I wont mind as long as they are being smart about it.

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#34 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 11:11 PM
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I've never had a sleepover where the kids slept much. Generally, they are up until all hours and crash sometime before dawn.
Okay. So what's the problem?
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#35 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 01:25 AM
 
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Okay. So what's the problem?
I think the issue has more to do with

1) the mental connection people make between beds/nighttime and sex, and
2) the fact that the parents are probably asleep, so there are concerns about lack of supervision.

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#36 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 10:51 AM
 
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Storm bride explained a bit about why we just don't do sleepovers.

I just don't see anything gained from them and so much potential for trouble. That's just for our family. I understand why others are okay with it.

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#37 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 11:08 AM
 
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I'm the oldest of five kids (three girls, two boys) and we all had many sleep-overs, both with same & opposite sex. Nothing ever happened. I actually waited until I was nineteen and moved out before my first serious sexual encounter occurred.

And for those who are stating their kids are hetero, and they feel completely comfortable with that, and would have no issues disclosing otherwise to their parents - I absolutely believe that. My mom was/is my best friend and I would have trusted her with anything.

Having said that (not to go totally OT) - I didn't come out to myself until I was in my mid-twenties. All through high school, university, I had no idea. Either it was really on the back burner in my mind, I was in denial - who knows. But up until I was 25 or so, as far as I was concerned I was totally hetero.

So to answer the question, absolutely my gf and I would have no issues about same/opposite sex sleep overs. Would I be encouraging sexual activity here at home? Not necessarily. I would want my kids to be safe and smart about sex (as in my mom gave really great advice - make sure it's someone you trust, someone you can laugh with, and someone you can look in the eye in the morning) and hopefully they'll be older than sixteen...

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#38 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 12:19 PM
 
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I guess I'm heterosexist. I'd allow same-sex sleepovers, but not opposite-sex sleepovers once my kids hit puberty. I have no problem with premarital sex. I do have a problem with pre-independent-living pregnancy. If my sons are gay and are sexually active with boys who stay the night, I hope they're being safe. If they're not, they're the ones who have to deal with the consequences (i.e. STDs). It would be the same if I had girls who were sexually involved with girls (though the STD concern would be lessened). With opposite sex couplings, I have to worry about STDs, the power differential, and pregnancy. With the first, they're choosing to accept the consequences of their actions. With the second comes an increased chance of unwanted sexual contact, which creates a victim. With the third, you open a whole new can of worms, and there could end up being a baby who is dealing with the consequences of my decision to allow an opposite-sex sleepover.
Will kids have sex even when you don't provide them with an opportunity? Absolutely. They will find a way. I just don't want their mistakes to be on my conscience. I want to make the best decisions that I can for my children, and the best decision for my children is, I believe, to not allow opposite-sex sleepovers in the teenage years. I would likely welcome a girlfriend of my adult child into the home overnight during a visit, if my adult child was living independently (i.e. if they came for an extended visit over the holidays or something.)
There was a similar debate in a the winter 2010 Brain,Child magazine, btw.

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#39 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 01:03 PM
 
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I don't see the problem if you're comfortable, your kids are comfortable, and the other parents are comfortable. I was allowed to sleep over friends houses of the opposite sex and I plan to allow my kiddo the same opportunity on a case-by-case basis.

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#40 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 01:17 PM
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I think the issue has more to do with

1) the mental connection people make between beds/nighttime and sex, and
2) the fact that the parents are probably asleep, so there are concerns about lack of supervision.
Yeah, but unsupervised kids are unsupervised kids, whether or not the sun is up.

I was still in high school the first time I had sex, and it was in the middle of the afternoon, and not in a bed.

I'm not saying that everyone *should* do co-ed sleepovers. I just think people should examine their reasons for not allowing them. I think the idea that co-ed sleepovers encourage sexual activity or other "trouble" is erroneous. Or maybe my kids and their friends are just really good kids. Their idea of a "party" is a keg of root beer and Rock Band.
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#41 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 01:46 PM
 
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I am one who doesn't like sleepovers at all. Opposite sex, same sex, they both make me nervous for many reasons. I have let ds spend the night at friends house, but those times really caused me anxiety. I didn't know the parents, so that probably had something to do with it. If I was totally comfortable with the parents, I would be more likely to allow sleepovers of either sex as young kids, but probably not much past age 10.
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#42 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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With opposite sex couplings, I have to worry about STDs, the power differential, and pregnancy. With the first, they're choosing to accept the consequences of their actions. With the second comes an increased chance of unwanted sexual contact, which creates a victim.
Just want to point out, there can just as easily be a power differential in a same sex relationship.

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#43 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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Just want to point out, there can just as easily be a power differential in a same sex relationship.
Oh, absolutely. But, it's not as societally-imposed as the female-male power differential. I'm not speaking in specific terms, since my children are still young and I don't have specific situations to use as examples (none that aren't a gazillion years old, and from the viewpoint of a teenager, anyway). I'm sure I could come up with some examples of personality types where the combination would result in an obvious power differential. I don't feel a real strong need to delve so deeply into that argument, though.

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#44 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 08:41 PM
 
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My opinion is well formulated enough to say here, yet. But I do want to say that I appreciate this thread, among many on this particular forum, for really pushing me to think a little outside my comfort level. I really value having a place, or "folks" here on MDC, who do that.
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#45 of 59 Old 02-02-2010, 10:06 PM
 
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It was never an issue for my parents, since I didn't have any close male friends in my teenage years. Plus, I grew up in a military child, so while my mom might be a little more liberal than most, the concept of a co-ed sleepover would be reached with shock and horror.

Unless I under-go a total personality turn-around in the next several years (entirely likely with kids I'm sure ) I don't see myself having too much of a problem with it. I wouldn't let my kids spend the night with just anybody, regardless of gender. I'd have to know the friend and at least have met the parents, to make sure it was a supervised household. I tend to like to be a host, so I'd have no issues hosting a sleepover. Many of my best memories from childhood and my teen years involve sleepovers. There is nothing better in life than a case of diet coke, some pizza, some snacks, a few comedy/scary movies and staying up all night talking with your best friends. My good friends and I have sleepovers every chance we get, and we're in our twenties. I can easily picture myself ten years from now, big and pregnant, in some PJs and munching on pizza with the same friends in my house at three in the morning

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#46 of 59 Old 02-03-2010, 12:30 PM
 
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it seems like there are two main issues here... the first is if you would ever let a child or teen of the opposite sex of your child spend the night at your house. for me, the answer is yes... it might be warranted because of the situation, like in the case of the OP... bad weather, late night, etc. or if there are children of more than one gender in the house and they are all friends, the situation is likely to occur frequently. that doesn't automatically assume that the child of the opposite gender is sleeping in the same room or bed, just that they are spending the night under the same roof. i think that this was more of the situation that the OP was dealing with.

it gets more complicated when you start talking about whether to allow planned sleep-overs, and especially when you are dealing with the boyfriends or girlfriends of your children. i don't think i'd have a huge problem with children of a younger age having planned coed sleepovers if that's something they want to do. i personally didn't have close male friends as a child, so it never would have occured to me to have a boy sleep at my house. with good supervision, a group coed sleepover has about as much chance as a single sex sleepover of turning into something inappropriate. by the way, i'm not gay, but my first "sexual" (in that i didn't think of it as sexual at the time, but do now) encounter happened at a group sleepover of just girls, about 9-10 yrs old, none of whom indentified as gay (or even sexual in anyway)... it was just something that happened.

anyway, would I allow the known sexual/romantic partners of my children to spend the night in the same room (and here, i'm hoping that i'll know enough about my kids to know their sexual orientation and if they're sexually active)? no, i wouldn't. not because i don't think they're finding some way to have sex, or because i don't want to "allow" it, but because i think spending the night in the same bed frequently adds a layer of intensity to a relationship that my kids don't really need to be experiencing when they're young enough to be living at home. i had several friends in highschool go through what were essentially divorces (in intensity, pain and drama) who had been practically living together at one parent's house or the other. and if you're going to allow your teen to sleep with her boyfriend or girlfriend one night, where do you draw the line? for me, it's just not a step my kids need to take while i'm still buying their groceries and doing their laundry.

basically, i'm ok with the potential for a bit of sneaking around or sexual activity if my child has people staying over (or is staying over elsewhere)... it happens, and i wouldn't want to ban the fun and bonding of innocent sleepovers for that. but i would have a problem with coed sleepovers escalating to specific sexual/romantic partners spending the night in the same room, that is, until my kids go off to college and bring their s/o's over for visits.
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#47 of 59 Old 02-03-2010, 03:06 PM
 
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I like the emphasis on mitigating damage: unwanted pregnancy, emotional damage from power inequality.

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My opinion is well formulated enough to say here, yet. But I do want to say that I appreciate this thread, among many on this particular forum, for really pushing me to think a little outside my comfort level. I really value having a place, or "folks" here on MDC, who do that.
I agree. My teen daughter has this posted on her Facebook profile:

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#48 of 59 Old 02-03-2010, 03:24 PM
 
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My daughter is 13 and her friends have had boy/girl parties where the girls spend the night and the boys leave around midnight. I am comfortable with these but would not allow her to attend a co-ed sleepover nor would I host one at my home. This won't change as she gets older, either. I personally don't think that it is a good situation for either the boys or the girls. Too much temptation and pressure. Kids are going to find a way to do things we don't want them to do but I don't feel like giving them the opportunity is a good idea. That is just my opinion, though.
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#49 of 59 Old 02-03-2010, 05:09 PM
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I personally don't think that it is a good situation for either the boys or the girls. Too much temptation and pressure. Kids are going to find a way to do things we don't want them to do but I don't feel like giving them the opportunity is a good idea. That is just my opinion, though.
I can totally understand this point of view, but I just want to mention that it IS possible for boys and girls to be just friends. My boys have several female friends and aren't romantically attracted to any of them. I had lots of male friends in high school that I had no sexual interest in, and I remember crashing at a friend's house, sandwiched in between two boys who I'd known since grade school, when I was 17. Actually the reason I remember it so well is because I fell asleep on my friend's bed, and when I woke up I was pinned down under the blanket by the two guys who had fallen asleep on either side of me but on top of the blankets. I had to pee so bad and they wouldn't wake up.

I think the idea that all teens are non-thinking bags of hormones with no sense of discrimination is about on par with the idea that gay men can't be trusted around little boys. That's just my opinion.
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#50 of 59 Old 02-03-2010, 07:15 PM
 
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I think the idea that all teens are non-thinking bags of hormones with no sense of discrimination is about on par with the idea that gay men can't be trusted around little boys. That's just my opinion.
Seems like a fairly accurate opinion. My experience has been that straight teens can have friends of the opposite sex that hold no sexual interest for them what so ever, and gay teens can have friends of the same sex that hold no sexual interest for them what so ever.

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#51 of 59 Old 02-03-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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I can totally understand this point of view, but I just want to mention that it IS possible for boys and girls to be just friends. My boys have several female friends and aren't romantically attracted to any of them. I had lots of male friends in high school that I had no sexual interest in, and I remember crashing at a friend's house, sandwiched in between two boys who I'd known since grade school, when I was 17. Actually the reason I remember it so well is because I fell asleep on my friend's bed, and when I woke up I was pinned down under the blanket by the two guys who had fallen asleep on either side of me but on top of the blankets. I had to pee so bad and they wouldn't wake up.

I think the idea that all teens are non-thinking bags of hormones with no sense of discrimination is about on par with the idea that gay men can't be trusted around little boys. That's just my opinion.
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#52 of 59 Old 02-04-2010, 11:54 AM
 
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i think the idea that all teens are non-thinking bags of hormones with no sense of discrimination is about on par with the idea that gay men can't be trusted around little boys. That's just my opinion.
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#53 of 59 Old 02-04-2010, 12:17 PM
 
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I must really old fashioned. I could NEVER let that happen. Mom would have never let me do that and I thank her now, then HATED her, but now appreciate it! if ds's gf's mom called and gave some excuse of not being able to make it, I would in a sec get in my car and head over, my mom would do the same. I don't believe in providing a tempting enviroment. IMO if they are to young to drive, they are to young for sex. I know might get flamed for this but it is my opinion. ( I also think 16 is to young to drive but anywhooooo)
I didn't wait till marriage and I don't expect my sons will, if they do, AWESOME, they will be taught our feelings on it, I just hope that when they do, they are old enough to handle the guarenteed emotional ties that come with it and the VERY real consequences that can come from it. I remember at that age wanting to spend thenight with a boy, it was such a cool mature thing to do, to cuddle with someone all night, sleep with my head on his bare chest, hear his heartbeat, even if he was just friends, nothing more, just feel so grown and connected with someone. That age is so emotional and bigger than life...but it is not the same now

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#54 of 59 Old 02-06-2010, 07:14 PM
 
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I must really old fashioned. I could NEVER let that happen. Mom would have never let me do that and I thank her now, then HATED her, but now appreciate it! if ds's gf's mom called and gave some excuse of not being able to make it, I would in a sec get in my car and head over, my mom would do the same. I don't believe in providing a tempting enviroment. IMO if they are to young to drive, they are to young for sex. I know might get flamed for this but it is my opinion. ( I also think 16 is to young to drive but anywhooooo)
Same here. I am also very thankful to my parents for never allowing it.

I agree that I would not set my kids up for such a temptation, in my house, no less. No way, no how. That's not the kind of family life we have and would go against every grain of what DH and I know to be right.

As for sleepovers girls and girls and guys and guys, no, I doubt I'd go for those either. I just don't see a need. "Nothing good happens after midnight," isn't that some old quote? I know when I spent the night at girls' houses we certainly weren't up to any good. The only exception might be at a cousin's house, and even then? Probably not.
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#55 of 59 Old 02-07-2010, 05:16 PM
 
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Dude! Plenty good happens after midnight, and not all of it is bad.

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#56 of 59 Old 02-07-2010, 07:07 PM
 
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I'm the oldest of five kids (three girls, two boys) and we all had many sleep-overs, both with same & opposite sex. Nothing ever happened. I actually waited until I was nineteen and moved out before my first serious sexual encounter occurred.

And for those who are stating their kids are hetero, and they feel completely comfortable with that, and would have no issues disclosing otherwise to their parents - I absolutely believe that. My mom was/is my best friend and I would have trusted her with anything.

Having said that (not to go totally OT) - I didn't come out to myself until I was in my mid-twenties. All through high school, university, I had no idea. Either it was really on the back burner in my mind, I was in denial - who knows. But up until I was 25 or so, as far as I was concerned I was totally hetero.

So to answer the question, absolutely my gf and I would have no issues about same/opposite sex sleep overs. Would I be encouraging sexual activity here at home? Not necessarily. I would want my kids to be safe and smart about sex (as in my mom gave really great advice - make sure it's someone you trust, someone you can laugh with, and someone you can look in the eye in the morning) and hopefully they'll be older than sixteen...
I think this is a good example of the more you resist, the more it persists. My good friend had this growing up as well, her parents just 'trusted' her, or so she thought, and while she and her bf made out a lot, she didn't have penis-vagina sex until she was 19. I like the guidelines your mom set, and I think that's just as important for other kinds of sex as well, or even kissing really. I'm still trying to decide on how to approach this when it comes up, but I think what many of you have said - case by case basis - is how I will approach it too.

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#57 of 59 Old 02-07-2010, 07:12 PM
 
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I can totally understand this point of view, but I just want to mention that it IS possible for boys and girls to be just friends. My boys have several female friends and aren't romantically attracted to any of them. I had lots of male friends in high school that I had no sexual interest in, and I remember crashing at a friend's house, sandwiched in between two boys who I'd known since grade school, when I was 17. Actually the reason I remember it so well is because I fell asleep on my friend's bed, and when I woke up I was pinned down under the blanket by the two guys who had fallen asleep on either side of me but on top of the blankets. I had to pee so bad and they wouldn't wake up.

I think the idea that all teens are non-thinking bags of hormones with no sense of discrimination is about on par with the idea that gay men can't be trusted around little boys. That's just my opinion.
Yup & yup too - I can remember having a huge NYE party at my friend Kim's - we had about 50 kids, no parents, no drinking, no sex that I was aware of, and I slept in a double bed with at least 5 other people but I can't remember who other than the one kid because his pacemaker kept waking me up when ever I put my head near his back. I had a boyfriend at the time too, with whom I was sexually active, but we were having fun at the party!

Heather, mama to Harriet, Crispin, in with Tom and 2
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#58 of 59 Old 02-11-2010, 02:54 PM
 
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Nothing good happens after midnight. Nice saying.

I know another one: A woman's place is in the kitchen. Or how about: Children should be seen and not heard.

Sorry, I just thought that was funny. Also, I work nights, so it's doubly humorous for me.

I have nothing of substance to contribute, other than sarcasm and humor. Carry on!
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#59 of 59 Old 02-16-2010, 01:15 AM
 
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I was like your daughter. Had my mother and the mothers of my (male) friends not been so open-minded, I would not have had many opportunities to spend quality time with good friends. We even (gasp!) went on overnight and weekend long hiking/camping trips, just us teenagers and me being the only girl in the bunch. I had a pretty strict mother but being German herself, she did not have the same view of sex as some Americans and wasn't as uptight about it, so she was okay with all of this. I also spent plenty of nights sleeping at my HS boyfriend's house and he slept over plenty at mine too, in separate rooms, but it wasn't a big deal to either family and his mother was quite a bit more uptight than mine, LOL! If it matters, this was well over 20 years ago, in the late 80's.

-Astrid

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Originally Posted by lorijds View Post
My youngest daughter has only boy friends. She's a tomboy, doesn't like the girly stuff, and so yes, she has sleep overs at boys' houses with some frequency.

If they want to sleep over because they are friends, they are having fun, and they want to stay up late and get up early for more, fine. As long as there is decent supervision, I don't really see what there is to be uncomfortable about.

I'm only comfortable letting my kids stay with friends when they are going to be fairly well supervised, whether they are boys or girls. First of all, I agree that it is very heterosexist to think that sexual experimentation only occurs in mixed gender sleep-overs. What if your child has a same sex friend who is gay? Would you let them sleep over there? Second, bad things can happen no matter what the mix. For example, I did all my experimenting with drugs at all girl sleep overs.

Why not take things situation by situation? There are some sleepover situations with which I am most decidedly not comfortable. I trust my kids, but I don't always trust other people. If a mixed gender sleepover comes up, there's nothing wrong with taking it on a case by case basis, same as ALL sleepovers. For us, it is more about which individual kids will be there, what parents will be there, what activities are planned, where the activities are going to occur, and what type of transportation is available; and less about gender.
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