Kids sleeping over at the opposite sex's house - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 10:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Is this normal? My teenage boys have asked to spend the night, on multiple occasions, at girls' houses, and the girls' parents are just dandy with it.

The first time, my then 14yo DS attened a New Years Eve party with his girlfriend's family, and the girlfriend's mother called me and asked if he could just stay all night because it was so late. Given the situation, I said yes.

More recently, the same DS was at his new girlfriend's house which is 25mins away, her mom was supposed to drive him home but her car wouldn't start. Asked if he could just stay because it was so late. I said yes.

Than last night, the same DS called and wanted to stay all night at the girlfriend's again- no real reason, they were just planning to watch a couple movies and knew that it would be late and the mom didn't want to bring him home that late and I'm sick right now so DS knew that I wouldn't want to come get him. I talked to the mom, she seems so perfectly cool with it! Don't worry, Zach will sleep on the couch, me and DH will be here the whole time, we're light sleepers! Against my better judgement, I said yes (I was too sick to think straight)!

Not five minutes after that, my 17yo DS called: Mom, I'm at Emily's, can I stay all night, her mom said it was fine?!!! I talked to her mom, she said no problem at all, both her sons were gone for the night, so Malachi could crash in their room. (These two are just friends, whatever difference that might make). Well, seeing as I just told his brother he could spend the night with a girl, I had to tell him okay too!

So is it just me that's slightly uncomfortable with this or is it normal these days??
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#2 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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I've encountered this with my teen and we aren't comfortable with it so we say no. Some of her friends are allowed. I guess it's so individual. I think we are a bit more strict then a lot of her friend's parents, but i won't budge on this one...

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#3 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 01:15 PM
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We don't have a problem with it here. However....I must add that all of my kids' close friends are the children of my own friends, so we know everyone very well. Yesterday was my eldest son's birthday, and we had four teens stay the night....two of them are girls. The girls slept in the living room, but I know that's not the situation at all sleepovers. Sometimes they all pile in one room.

To be honest, I can't see any reason to be uncomfortable about it. Out of my close friends, only one has a child who is sexually active (she's 16). They don't allow boy/girl sleepovers, and the kid still found a time and place to engage in sexual activity.

I trust my boys and think they have good judgement. If either of them chose to be intimate with a girl, I doubt it would be at a sleepover with a bunch of other people in the house.
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#4 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 01:32 PM
 
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Yes, I am OK with it as long as it's OK with the other parents. We've even had a mom tell her dd and her friend to stay here because she did not want her driving home after midnight. They both stayed in ds's room which is in the basement and has no door. DS (who is 17) has been told by us that if anyone wants/needs to stay they MUST call their parents, and a lone girl cannot stay in his room. But personally, I would rather the kids stay here than drive home super-late in crummy weather and I am more than willing to provide this space for them to hang out.
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#5 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 07:09 PM
 
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I was allowed to have opposite sex sleepovers when I was and teen and ds will be allowed to as well. And its rather heterosexist to only be concerned about "opposite" sex sleepovers. Most of my gay friends who were in boy scouts, well lets just say they weren't sleeping on campouts!

I almost feel like you would be less likely to have sex at a sleepover because you would be more paranoid about being caught, then say in the backseat of the car, or before parents got home from work etc.
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#6 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 07:12 PM
 
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No, I am not okay with it and my teens don't do this. As far as I'm concerned... that's what kids go off to college for.. to do stuff their parents don't allow at home.
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#7 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 08:13 PM
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Umm, if you don't feel comfortable why are you allowing it?

We don't do sleepovers at all.
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#8 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 09:06 PM
 
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Totally would not be ok with us. Yes, kids can find to do things if they really want to do them...but I'm not going to be the one to provide them a golden opportunity.

In looking back at some of what I consider mistakes I made with guys in my teen years, I wish my parents had been more strict about what was allowed as well. And they were relatively strict as it was.

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#9 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 10:08 PM
 
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I had opposite sex sleepovers as a teen, and nothing untoward ever happened. (Not that I wasn't sexually active at the time.) It just wasn't a big deal. Actually, I slept over at a friend's house every Friday for years, and those are some of my fondest memories.

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#10 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 10:17 PM
 
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Never heard of it before and I can guarentee you it wont ever happen in my house or my kids in someone elses house.

 
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#11 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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I don't think I'll have a problem with it, the more you resist, the concern you have can persist! I think communication with all involved is the key. I plan to have discussions with all my kids and their friends about what decisions they may make and if they aren't willing to sit and listen to a generic cautionary discussion, than they may not be the kids I want my children to hang out with. Also, I want them to feel comfortable coming to me with whatever they are feeling so we can work out what to do. If my children are really tempted and wanting to have sex, I want to be able to guide them, not forbid scenarios so they go sneaking off. I'm certainly not going to encourage them to have sex, but if they are determined, I know better than to think I can stop them completely. But I might convince them to just make out like crazy with their clothes on.
Sex aside, I think having kids over is a great way to get to know them and guide them into safer behaviors and fun things to do instead.

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#12 of 59 Old 01-30-2010, 11:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber View Post
I was allowed to have opposite sex sleepovers when I was and teen and ds will be allowed to as well. And its rather heterosexist to only be concerned about "opposite" sex sleepovers. Most of my gay friends who were in boy scouts, well lets just say they weren't sleeping on campouts!

I almost feel like you would be less likely to have sex at a sleepover because you would be more paranoid about being caught, then say in the backseat of the car, or before parents got home from work etc.
Kinda like my same-sex sleep overs with DH before we moved in together...

We would really have no problem allowing sleepovers period, and even if DD was sexually active we would only worry if she wasn't being smart about it.

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#13 of 59 Old 01-31-2010, 10:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies! I can't put my finger on what about it makes me uncomfortable, because I do believe they are less likely to engage in sexual activity in a house with parents home, AND I do think they have a good head on their shoulders, AND when I was a teenager I was sexually active, we could always find a time and place even without our parents handing out opportunites and I did sleep over at my boyfriend's house, my parents just didn't know it, and his parents were not home at the time. So if they're going to do it, they're going to do it. It's just ingrained into my head as being 'wrong'.
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#14 of 59 Old 01-31-2010, 11:30 AM
 
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I wouldn't allow it unless it were some kind of emergency.

My teenaged niece was invited to a coed sleepover birthday party for a friend from a very wealthy family. The parents had rented big tents for the kids to sleep in out on the lawn of their estate, one for the boys and one for the girls. DN had begged my sister for weeks to be allowed to sleep over, but my sister, being another meanest mother in the universe, said no. She could go to the party, but my sister would pick her up at 11pm and bring her home. DN was in a royal snit.

My sister got there at the appointed hour, and not only was my niece waiting, but four of her friends also wanted my sister to take them home. They weren't at all comfortable with the whole thing. Sometimes I think teens are just waiting and hoping somebody else will put the brakes on.
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#15 of 59 Old 01-31-2010, 11:35 AM
 
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We don't generally do sleep overs much anyhow.
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#16 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 11:41 AM
 
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My youngest daughter has only boy friends. She's a tomboy, doesn't like the girly stuff, and so yes, she has sleep overs at boys' houses with some frequency.

If they want to sleep over because they are friends, they are having fun, and they want to stay up late and get up early for more, fine. As long as there is decent supervision, I don't really see what there is to be uncomfortable about.

I'm only comfortable letting my kids stay with friends when they are going to be fairly well supervised, whether they are boys or girls. First of all, I agree that it is very heterosexist to think that sexual experimentation only occurs in mixed gender sleep-overs. What if your child has a same sex friend who is gay? Would you let them sleep over there? Second, bad things can happen no matter what the mix. For example, I did all my experimenting with drugs at all girl sleep overs.

Why not take things situation by situation? There are some sleepover situations with which I am most decidedly not comfortable. I trust my kids, but I don't always trust other people. If a mixed gender sleepover comes up, there's nothing wrong with taking it on a case by case basis, same as ALL sleepovers. For us, it is more about which individual kids will be there, what parents will be there, what activities are planned, where the activities are going to occur, and what type of transportation is available; and less about gender.
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#17 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 11:55 AM
 
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We don't do sleepovers at all.
Our family is this way too.

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#18 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 12:08 PM
 
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Our family is this way too.
why? Just out of curiosity.

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#19 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 12:11 PM
 
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Totally would not be ok with us. Yes, kids can find to do things if they really want to do them...but I'm not going to be the one to provide them a golden opportunity.
:

My daughters currently don't really have friends that are boys, so the situation hasnt' come up. But that would be WAY beyond my comfort level- you just don't sleep in the same room with a non-family member of the opposite sex unless you're married. Hanging out with a co-ed group is fine- sleeping over is something else.

Although, I do remember my brother having female friends (mostly girlfriends of his friends) getting permission to sleep over only because I was there. Never mind that she hardly knew me, she asked her mom if she could sleep over at "Ruth's house".

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#20 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 01:03 PM
 
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For me it would really depend on the situation and people involved. Some kids I would be fine with and others I would be too uncomfortable.
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#21 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 02:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber View Post
I was allowed to have opposite sex sleepovers when I was and teen and ds will be allowed to as well. And its rather heterosexist to only be concerned about "opposite" sex sleepovers. Most of my gay friends who were in boy scouts, well lets just say they weren't sleeping on campouts!

I almost feel like you would be less likely to have sex at a sleepover because you would be more paranoid about being caught, then say in the backseat of the car, or before parents got home from work etc.
Well I know dd1 is straight, so same sex sleepovers would not be an issue sexually, so that is not heterosexist. If she was bi/lesbian, then yes, it would be.
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#22 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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I admit to finding it really jarring when I first encountered it, and I don't think I'd be comfortable having a female friend of ds1's spend the night.

But, you know, I had female friends spend the night, despite having an older brother. He had male friends spend the night, despite having younger sisters. Is this really that different?

DS1 has one female friend, M, who frequently has group sleepovers at her house. The first couple of times ds1 was invited, we said "no". He kept asking us why, and i realized I had no real reason. So, the next time, I said "yes". I actually doln't think he is sexually active yet (and he's on his fourth steady girlfriend), but if he were...keeping him away from sleepovers woudlnt' stop him. Nobody I knew was ever allowed opposite sex sleepovers, and quite a few of us were sexually active, yk? M's mom is home, and while I know her only slightly, I know her well enough to know she's keeping an eye on the situation, so there won't be any drugs or drinking or anything.

I started off uncomfortable. I'm not bothered, anymore.

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#23 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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My daughter's done it already (at 7), and I don't expect her to stop as she gets older . . . I'd allow it at my house and would allow my kids to stay over at others' houses. Nothing is going to happen at a sleepover that CAN'T happen some other time, so not allowing it seems really illogical to me.

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#24 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 05:00 PM
 
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When I was in highschool I had "secret sleepovers"(as in the parents didn't know I was there)with a male friend.NOTHING was going on.We were just really good friends.However his brother who was having "approved sleepovers"with a male friend was the one getting all the action.And yeah everyone thought they were both heterosexual.Well...not everyone...but the parents at least.

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#25 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 08:01 PM
 
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My daughters currently don't really have friends that are boys, so the situation hasnt' come up. But that would be WAY beyond my comfort level- you just don't sleep in the same room with a non-family member of the opposite sex unless you're married. Hanging out with a co-ed group is fine- sleeping over is something else.

Although, I do remember my brother having female friends (mostly girlfriends of his friends) getting permission to sleep over only because I was there. Never mind that she hardly knew me, she asked her mom if she could sleep over at "Ruth's house".
Just wondering if the opinion changes if they aren't sleeping in the same room? I had one friend, we didn't sleep in the same room when we stayed at each others house because he couldn't sleep with the light off and I couldn't sleep with the light on.

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#26 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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I would rather my kids had a one-on-one sleepover than with a whole bunch of kids. Same sex or opposite, our place or theirs. More kids = more trouble in my experience. Although I don't forbid them from having sleepovers - to me, that's just asking for them to sneak behind your back. Come to think of it, I don't really forbid much of anything.
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#27 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 09:10 PM
 
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However his brother who was having "approved sleepovers"with a male friend was the one getting all the action.And yeah everyone thought they were both heterosexual.Well...not everyone...but the parents at least.
Is this in response to me? If so, I know as much about my dd's sexuality as she does, as in, if she has lesbian leanings, she is totally unaware of it. We are close enough that she knows she would be safe to disclose anything to us and we would support her.
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#28 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 09:26 PM
 
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My son (12) does co-ed sleepovers. I have no issue with it. His younger sisters have friends his age and younger sleep here all the time as well and he interacts with them.

It would feel heterosexist to me to disallow co-ed sleepovers and not same sex ones. I believe sexuality to be pretty fluid so even if I did feel 110% sure that my child was heterosexual at this very moment, it doesn't mean I expect that keeping him to same-sex sleepovers will "safeguard" him from sexual activity (even if that was an actual goal of mine).

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#29 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 09:35 PM
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As far as I can remember, every sexual experience I ever had was while I was awake. All underage drinking was done while I was awake. I didn't use any drugs, but the kids I knew who smoked pot and such were doing it while they were awake.

I don't really see what trouble kids will be getting into while they're asleep.
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#30 of 59 Old 02-01-2010, 09:37 PM
 
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I don't really see what trouble kids will be getting into while they're asleep.
I've never had a sleepover where the kids slept much. Generally, they are up until all hours and crash sometime before dawn.
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