Who gives a 14 year old a nudie mag?!?!?! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 04:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone?? Didn't think so. Of course no one here would do it. It is insane. 14 year old boys do not need a nudie mag. I personally think it is disgusting and a perversion of nature. But if he was 18, my opinion is void becasue everyone has a right to their own opinion. I dont want my son thinking that it is ok. I also dont want my son to think that that is how things are done either.

How do I give my son a realistic expectation and outlook? I know he isnt having sex yet. I dont want him to not tell me these things either. I want to be there for him and guide him to be be a normal human being with a normal appetite. KWIM?

I am at the end of my rope. I have put parental controls on his laptop bc he was looking at online anime porn. Now he has stolen a nudie mag....from my shed. didnt even know they were there, but he has it. I threw it away and am hunting down the rest of them to throw them away too.

Please help me. I know this seems all over the place. I am distraught. I dont know how to get through to him that this is unacceptable.

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#2 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 04:31 PM
 
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He wasn't given it though, right? My step-brother and I used to shoplift them from the news stand on our street when we were like 13 or 14. It was pure curiosity. But, fwiw, I know plenty of dads that share their nudie mags with their teenage sons. I don't think it THAT crazy or a perversion of nature in any way shape or form, and at least that way you can steer him towards tasteful content and away from the stuff that really can scar his perception of women and sex, ya know?

May I ask why is it so unacceptable to you? Is it particularly obscene? Children (or child look alikes), animals, bondage? I think rather than approach it as UNACCEPTABLE which will likely drive his predeliction into hiding rather than squash it. Maybe it might be better to have an open, frank discussion with him about why it offends you as a woman, and why you worry about him becoming desensitized to the objectification most porn relies on, ya know?

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#3 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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I don't see much wrong with it, but then I think sex and masturbation are healthy and wanting to see naked girls is normal for a 14 year old. I wouldn't buy a playboy subscription for my son, but if he wanted those magazines and paid for them himself, oh well. I would worry more about actual porn, but even with that I can see the attraction and wouldn't freak out.

I'd be more concerned about making sure to discuss with him about what real girls look like and how porn can come between 2 people in a relationship and/or can become addicting.

I used to steal my mom's cosmos from the time I was 12 and read all the "how to make sex better" articles. I wasn't having sex then, but when I did, I felt pretty confident.
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#4 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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I dunno, when I was 15 one of my male friends babysat and got paid in nudie mags and beer. There are people out there who find that perfectly acceptable apparently. With your son I think I'd just explain why it offends you so much and how demeaning those magazines are to women and how those pictures stay with you, and will skew his vision of women because normal women aren't as perfectly airbrushed as the ones in the magazines. but I do think his curiosity is normal.

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#5 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 05:01 PM
 
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Honestly, I gave my teens something my parents would have choked on... The Joy of Sex. Drawings of real people and lots and lots of good advice of a practical sort.
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#6 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 08:25 PM
 
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Well, here is the thing: Your son is curious + it's normal to be curious at this age + he is going to look for things to satisfy his curiosity whether you are okay with it or not.

* I don't want to sound as if I'm okay with these magazines - I am not.

* I don't mean to imply that I have a solution - I do not.

* All I am saying is that it's not a perversion for a 14 y.o. teenage boy to want to look at a naked female body.

I hope someone has a good advice for you.

What I do know that shaming your son won't do much good. Don't panic over it. Your son is not a lost cause because simply because he is growing up and realizing that he is a sexual being.

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#7 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 08:27 PM
 
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I don't see much wrong with it, but then I think sex and masturbation are healthy and wanting to see naked girls is normal for a 14 year old. I wouldn't buy a playboy subscription for my son, but if he wanted those magazines and paid for them himself, oh well. I would worry more about actual porn, but even with that I can see the attraction and wouldn't freak out.

I'd be more concerned about making sure to discuss with him about what real girls look like and how porn can come between 2 people in a relationship and/or can become addicting.
Well said.

I might be a little bit more concerned about what he might find on the internet, because there's some pretty nasty stuff out there. But an old nudie mag? I wouldn't worry about it. If anything, I think I would be glad that my child was finding an outlet that didn't involve actually having sex.

ETA: I'm not the mother of a teenager, so take my opinions with a grain of salt.

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#8 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 09:57 PM
 
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We had an incident awhile ago (can't remember exactly when) in which I found out my ds had searched a relatively innocent term (I think it was boobs or something). I found a few sites that they had hit and was absolutely shocked. We approached it in a very neutral way, telling my ds that it is was perfectly normal to be curious but that there was some stuff out that that was really inappropriate for him to access. Stuff that could potentially scar him (and me if I viewed it). That it was his choice what he viewed elsewhere (at this age we can't and don't want to control his every move) but that there was a basis behind our wanting him not to view it. We talked about the exploitation of the workers, unrealistic expectations of women and sex, our values, etc. We let him know that he was NOT allowed to view stuff on our computer (we only have one desktop) as it could open it up to viruses. We really emphasized not viewing porn on computers as most porn websites carry nasty stuff (virus wise). We also stated that he was NOT allowed to view it on our TV as we would have to pay for it.

We did say that if he was curious, we would purchase some printed material for him. Yes, we are ones that would give our son something like that. Not a playboy subscription, but something that we felt reflected our values. I tried to convince my DH to buy Joy of Sex for him but DH didn't feel he was at that point yet. DS never wanted us to buy anything for him. He was too embarrassed, which is fine, but we wanted to keep the line of communication open. I don't kid myself that he isn't curious and he probably has viewed something else (kids find a way) but at least he has our input. That was how we handled it.

I would not give someone else's child anything. That, in my view, would be inappropriate.
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#9 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 10:00 PM
 
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We really emphasized not viewing porn on computers as most porn websites carry nasty stuff (virus wise).
no pun intended, I'm sure

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#10 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 10:09 PM
 
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Eh, another who thinks its normal for a 14 year old to be curious and look at a nudie mag. I don't do nudie mags, neither does dh. But I wouldn't call it a perversion. I would be much more centered on talking about the issues surrounding porn that others have already pointed out. I would definitely rather my 14 year old look at porn and masturbate than try to get 14ish year old girls naked and have sex with them.

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#11 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 10:17 PM
 
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I used to steal my mom's cosmos from the time I was 12 and read all the "how to make sex better" articles. I wasn't having sex then, but when I did, I felt pretty confident.
Redbook for me And my friend and I used to look at my Dad's Playboy mags and his videos too when we were around that age

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#12 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 10:26 PM
 
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no pun intended, I'm sure
Totally didn't catch that....been a long day for me!
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#13 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 10:32 PM
 
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Another vote for normal and not a perversion. I really wouldn't have a problem with it, I don't think.
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#14 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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If you want him to have a better view of what women should look like get something that reflects reality and hide it....he'll find it eventually.
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#15 of 39 Old 02-27-2010, 10:48 PM
 
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I have "The Joy of Sex" and "More Joy" in our big bookcase in the living room, so whenever my kids become curious, I'm sure they could figure a way to borrow it and read it. That wouldn't bother me either.

Nudie mags....while I wouldn't buy one for my son or participate in the purchasing in any way, it probably wouldn't surprise me to find one in their future teenage rooms.

My boys aren't at that stage yet, so it's hard to say.

When I was 14, I was doing real things with boys so...I feel like merely looking at pictures is on the tamer side.

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#16 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 01:09 PM
 
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I think that it's normal for 14 year olds to be curious & interested. I would be interested to understand more clearly what exactly your objections to the mags/online stuff are. Also, what are your expectations as to how a 14 year old should be exploring sexuality - like, where is the line for you between acceptable vs. not acceptable?
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#17 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 01:32 PM
 
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Honestly, I gave my teens something my parents would have choked on... The Joy of Sex. Drawings of real people and lots and lots of good advice of a practical sort.
I remember reading that book constantly as a teen whenever I babysat for one family on my block, once the kiddos were asleep! I would love to get my hands on another copy to read it from an, um, experienced perspective!

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#18 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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I remember reading that book constantly as a teen whenever I babysat for one family on my block, once the kiddos were asleep! I would love to get my hands on another copy to read it from an, um, experienced perspective!
There's an updated version, just as great as the originals. Funny, I snuck reads at them while babysitting,too. Cause as said, my fundie parents would have choked.

I love sex. Sex is a great pleasure and comfort in my life. I hope my kids have lots of it someday in a committed relationship. I caution them to be picky.. that anyone you sleep with could end up in your gene pool.
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#19 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ok, thanks for bringing me back to reality everyone. I do need to calm down a little, which is why i came here instead of blowing up at DS.

First of all, I think that penthouse mag is a little to graphic for DS. There are pics of penetration, and scenarios of bondage in this particular mmag he had. I feel very uncomfortable with him looking at it.

I wouldnt mind a book with real people in it. I guess.

Here, in my state, you can get in trouble for giving an under age child porn.

I understand that curiosity is normal. He is almost 15.

I do think that porn and nudie mags are a perversion. I dont want thim thinking that all women are shaved or should be. I dont want him thinking threesomes are normal either. I want him to grow up being perfectly fine with reg sex. I dont want him thinking he has to have porn star sex and looking for ways to fill that expectation. or thinking that all women have anal sex etc. I want him to have a healthy sex life and I do think that they way women and sex are depicted in the mags and the online pics, he was looking at, are unrealistic and setting him up for disappointment later in life. I really do believe that all that perversion is one of the things that is wrong with people nowadays. It is just not natural.

Now I am expressing my opinion and I obviously dont expect everyone to share my opinion.

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#20 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that I also view pornography as a disordered process of sexual gratification and I would be upset if my young teens were learning about sexual pleasure and relationships from those sources such as internet porn or mags.

But his innate curiosity is definitely normal and healthy. So I guess as a parent what you need to ask yourself now is, what fills that curiosity? You could find some matter-of-fact books on "Life" that show nudity, sexual intercourse and pregnancy/delivery. I know my parents have an oldie but goodie, but I forget the name of it. It is a collection of full color photos that show sexual intercourse, conception, development of the human and delivery. The only complaint I have is that it shows a hospital birth.

For Catholics, there is a man going through the nation on fire right now. His site is www.christopherwest.com. He is emphatic about sharing the good news about sex. His theme is that we are sexual beings, God made us that way, and God did good. My 15 and 18yo brothers are actually going to one of his lectures in a couple months.

Perhaps now would be a good time to introduce relationship concepts to him as well. You could collect a couple books from Harley (www.marriagebuilders.com) on how to go into a relationship with honesty and cohesion. The PAIRS program is great for teaching open, non-violent communication in a relationship. Allowing him to volunteer at pregnancy centers could get him into the topic. Maybe he could watch some videos of birthing, too.

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#21 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 04:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Honestly, I gave my teens something my parents would have choked on... The Joy of Sex. Drawings of real people and lots and lots of good advice of a practical sort.
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I have "The Joy of Sex" and "More Joy" in our big bookcase in the living room, so whenever my kids become curious, I'm sure they could figure a way to borrow it and read it. That wouldn't bother me either.
i will be looking for these books.

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I just wanted to say that I also view pornography as a disordered process of sexual gratification and I would be upset if my young teens were learning about sexual pleasure and relationships from those sources such as internet porn or mags.

But his innate curiosity is definitely normal and healthy. So I guess as a parent what you need to ask yourself now is, what fills that curiosity? You could find some matter-of-fact books on "Life" that show nudity, sexual intercourse and pregnancy/delivery. I know my parents have an oldie but goodie, but I forget the name of it. It is a collection of full color photos that show sexual intercourse, conception, development of the human and delivery. The only complaint I have is that it shows a hospital birth.

For Catholics, there is a man going through the nation on fire right now. His site is www.christopherwest.com. He is emphatic about sharing the good news about sex. His theme is that we are sexual beings, God made us that way, and God did good. My 15 and 18yo brothers are actually going to one of his lectures in a couple months.

Perhaps now would be a good time to introduce relationship concepts to him as well. You could collect a couple books from Harley (www.marriagebuilders.com) on how to go into a relationship with honesty and cohesion. The PAIRS program is great for teaching open, non-violent communication in a relationship. Allowing him to volunteer at pregnancy centers could get him into the topic. Maybe he could watch some videos of birthing, too.
Thank you for this. I knew I was not alone in my opinion.

I appreciate everybodies input. The reason i post here is bc I like to hear all the opinions. It forces me to look at things in a different way.

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#22 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 05:09 PM
 
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So, did you say to him all the things you said in your post (#19)? I think being open with him about real women vs porn women is really important. However, I also think it's important for him to know that real women, moral women, do enjoy some of the things he's seeing in those magazines. Some women prefer to shave, some women enjoy bondage or anal sex, etc. If all you do is talk about how what he's seeing is perverse, I really worry for what his opinion of future partners or wife would be if she was interested in trying some of those things - or his opinion of himself, if that's the direction in which his sexual desires trend. I think you need to walk a really fine line here between communicating your values and giving him a negative view of sex. I think it's fine to explain to him why you have a problem with porn. I don't have a problem with it, but I get why some others do. However, I think it's important not to allow those feelings about porn to bleed over into judgement of what real people do in real life in the context of real, loving relationships.
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#23 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 05:28 PM
 
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I agree with you (OP) actually, which makes me an awfully prudish 20-something

Interest in sex as a teen is totally normal. The issues that come into play with porn/most nudie mags is that it sets young men(and women!) up for unrealistic expectations of what sex really is. I see it in my generation and among my friends all the time. Most women are not a size two. Most women don't have EE fake boobs. Most people are not limber enough, nor strong enough to contort themselves in some of those positions. The average penis is several inches smaller than that of porn stars. For a young man or woman who hasn't experimented yet, porn then becomes the norm for sex standards.

That being said, my teenage self read those smutty romance novels and cosmo.

I remember seeing on some TV special that there is a magazine similar to Playboy in that it doesn't show genitals up close and personal, and the women cannot have had any plastic surgery. Something like that, which depicts real women (real as in natural), I wouldn't have a problem with.

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#24 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 06:26 PM
 
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So, did you say to him all the things you said in your post (#19)? I think being open with him about real women vs porn women is really important. However, I also think it's important for him to know that real women, moral women, do enjoy some of the things he's seeing in those magazines. Some women prefer to shave, some women enjoy bondage or anal sex, etc. If all you do is talk about how what he's seeing is perverse, I really worry for what his opinion of future partners or wife would be if she was interested in trying some of those things - or his opinion of himself, if that's the direction in which his sexual desires trend. I think you need to walk a really fine line here between communicating your values and giving him a negative view of sex. I think it's fine to explain to him why you have a problem with porn. I don't have a problem with it, but I get why some others do. However, I think it's important not to allow those feelings about porn to bleed over into judgement of what real people do in real life in the context of real, loving relationships.
Yes, a lot of things are acceptable as long as they are consensual. I've been married 22 years, you have to pick up a few tricks to keep things fresh.
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#25 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 06:32 PM
 
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I think its totally normal, I know my brother had those mags at that age (he was about 12) and I remember this because I remember looking at them He of course got them from my dads stash. I can understand objecting to more harder core porn, maybe give him something you do approve of? Say a Victoria's secret catalog? I'd rather a son be masturbating with a mag then having sex with a girl to meet his needs. I would be surprised if a 14 yr was boy was not masturbating and its pretty common for them to use mags, ask your DH if he ever stole his moms Sears catalog when he was a boy

Seriously?
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#26 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 09:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, did you say to him all the things you said in your post (#19)? I think being open with him about real women vs porn women is really important. However, I also think it's important for him to know that real women, moral women, do enjoy some of the things he's seeing in those magazines. Some women prefer to shave, some women enjoy bondage or anal sex, etc. If all you do is talk about how what he's seeing is perverse, I really worry for what his opinion of future partners or wife would be if she was interested in trying some of those things - or his opinion of himself, if that's the direction in which his sexual desires trend. I think you need to walk a really fine line here between communicating your values and giving him a negative view of sex. I think it's fine to explain to him why you have a problem with porn. I don't have a problem with it, but I get why some others do. However, I think it's important not to allow those feelings about porn to bleed over into judgement of what real people do in real life in the context of real, loving relationships.
I know that some moral women do enjoy those things. I am a moral women..... however, most women do not and i dont want him to expect every women he is with to give it up like that. kwim? I do not want to give him a negative view of sex. that is why i have posted here.


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I agree with you (OP) actually, which makes me an awfully prudish 20-something

Interest in sex as a teen is totally normal. The issues that come into play with porn/most nudie mags is that it sets young men(and women!) up for unrealistic expectations of what sex really is. I see it in my generation and among my friends all the time. Most women are not a size two. Most women don't have EE fake boobs. Most people are not limber enough, nor strong enough to contort themselves in some of those positions. The average penis is several inches smaller than that of porn stars. For a young man or woman who hasn't experimented yet, porn then becomes the norm for sex standards.

That being said, my teenage self read those smutty romance novels and cosmo.

I remember seeing on some TV special that there is a magazine similar to Playboy in that it doesn't show genitals up close and personal, and the women cannot have had any plastic surgery. Something like that, which depicts real women (real as in natural), I wouldn't have a problem with.
i read romance novels as a kid, and DH looked at porn. I expect romance novel sex and get... well not romance novel stuff lol. and i am constantly comparing myself to those hot young things that i am not anymore. so i am taking my experience and DHs experience and not wanting that for my son, or daughters for that matter.


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Originally Posted by Satori View Post
I think its totally normal, I know my brother had those mags at that age (he was about 12) and I remember this because I remember looking at them He of course got them from my dads stash. I can understand objecting to more harder core porn, maybe give him something you do approve of? Say a Victoria's secret catalog? I'd rather a son be masturbating with a mag then having sex with a girl to meet his needs. I would be surprised if a 14 yr was boy was not masturbating and its pretty common for them to use mags, ask your DH if he ever stole his moms Sears catalog when he was a boy
i dont care thhat my son masturbates. i am worried that masturbating to the mags will further set it into his head that that is how things are.

DH was a latchkey kid. he and his brothers had no supervision at all. they raised themselves. he saw and did way more than i would ever want my child to do :<


i did talk to DS. I told him why i disaprove of the mags and why. why i dislike porn period. i also told him that i would happily give him something i do approve of. more of a learning book like one that was suggested earlier. i myself was reading medical books about it at that age ( i also looked at my dad's mags too). i got a better sense of self out of the book then i did from the mags. so i will go to the bookstore and look around. DS said it would be ok with him if i bought him a book about sex as long as it had some pictures lol.

so besides joy of sex lol, are there any reccomendations for a good how to book with pics?

Me,DH,DS1'95, '98,DSD'03,DD1'07,DD2'09,DS2'12 Living with Fructose Malabsorption Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type 3-Hypermobility.)o( and sometimes I get toif I am lucky.
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#27 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 09:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
I know my parents have an oldie but goodie, but I forget the name of it. It is a collection of full color photos that show sexual intercourse, conception, development of the human and delivery. The only complaint I have is that it shows a hospital birth. :.
This sounds GREAT! If you ever find out the name of it, do share.

DS 12/22/05 and DD 5/24/09
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#28 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 10:18 PM
 
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I had regular access to Cheri magazine, Hustler, Playboy from about age 8 on... saw 8 mm movies with friends at 13... I read novels that had explicit sex in them from 11 on (no pics in those). I understand the desire to portray women in a more empowered way to a young man, however. Perhaps you get the book, "The Art of Tantric Sex" and other 'classier' books with naked pictures in them? I have them and other ones with drawings like 'position of the day' and such on my shelf, and I believe it is healthy for children to learn about sex. It is a form of enjoyment provided to us by Source. It is healthy and normal for teens to want to experience sex (disclaimer inserted here- with others their own age of course). This society has so many things backwards. Claiming it is better to give a fake food to a baby than mother's milk, claiming putting toxins in a child's bloodstream will create health, and telling everyone to stifle or ignore their sexual urges (organized religion which is a guise to control the masses and keep them in fear, unhappiness and guilt has a lot to do with this one). Children begin to feel sexual urges very early. It is hardwired in our DNA. Watch and read about bonobo apes to see what is natural. The way it was 'meant to be' IMO is for teens to experiment and bear children young, then the 'elders' of the tribe raise them. (Our bodies are designed for this) so of course there are sexual urges by age 14.

To begin to save the world, we must first nurture the children. Read "The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost"    saynovax.gifgoorganic.jpgintactlact.gifMe-hippie.gifreading.gifhelp.gif10.5 yo dd1- nut.gifreading.gifblahblah.gif ; 5 yo dd2- angel.gifhearts.gifbouncy.gif
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#29 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 10:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post
There's an updated version, just as great as the originals. Funny, I snuck reads at them while babysitting,too. Cause as said, my fundie parents would have choked.
Or maybe they told the people you babysat for to put it where you could find it.
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#30 of 39 Old 02-28-2010, 10:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Limabean1975 View Post
This sounds GREAT! If you ever find out the name of it, do share.

I saw this on sale at Borders today:

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Lennart-N...7408098&sr=1-4


It's 2/3 about the child in the womb, but at the end has some really cool images of adult human bodies. Probably not enough to function as "the one" book he could learn from though.

I'll have to dig around in my mom's study for the book. I went through it w/ my younger siblings when I was preggers w/ DD. It was a great feeling to see them learning about human bodies, and pregnancy and delivery with such a positive spin.

ETA, I couldn't help but notice some other good-looking books:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Smart-Sexu...7408301&sr=1-6

http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Teen-B...408301&sr=1-12

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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