Is DD trying to tell me shes gay or is she just not interested in boys??? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ok, My DD is only 9..and I'm not really ready to have her dating by any means, so its certainly not like that. I am probably confused/stressed over nothing but heres my situation:

About a yr or so ago we had a gay friend who was living with us bring over his boyfriend..so after much confusion from my now 7 yr old we sat my DD and DS down and explained that some girls marry girls and some marry boys and some like mommy and daddy get married and have a boy/girl relationship. And that whatever they chose when they were older would be fine with us. My DS was cool with it but said "I like girls i'm going to marry a girl", We support that if thats what he chooses to do when hes 30 (j/k) My DD said "I'm going to marry a girl, I don't like boys" we said ok whatever you decide when your older will be ok with us. My DS (now 7) likes girls, he had a crush on a classmate at his old school and will say out loud "oh shes very pretty mommy" if he thinks a girl is cute. My DD on the other hand has no interest in boys at all whatsoever. She came home from school 1 day, blowing up that "I do NOT LIKE boys mommy, Don't you get that?" My husband and I just looked at her, as this whole topic came out of nowhere since not a min earlier we had been talking about the dinner we were making. We both looked at her and said "OK" in sync..And the other day my son brought home a card from a girl at school, we laughed and said well you are cute, and he said "she's my friend, but I dont like her like "that" and my DD started on her rant about not like boys again..

I do know that most of her peers are interested in boys, and I've heard enough girls her age talk about how cute "that" boy is..I'm totaly ok with her liking/not liking boys or even if shes more into girls or only into girls..I am ok with whatever, in fact my aforementioned gay friend told us he knew he was gay by 10 or 11, but without the support from family/friends he didn't come out until his teen years..I just wish I could figure out what shes trying to tell me, I think shes a bit young to understand the whole "Im gay" thing but if she is noticing shes different and is trying to communicate that to us, I want to be able to help her. I also wonder if she is feeling pressured by the peer relations about liking boys and having those kinds of interactions happening at school?

Anyone got any thoughts?

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."- Kurt Cobain
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#2 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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I didn't like boys when I was 9 either. I'm not sure many girls do, I think these days they pretend they do because it's so "mature" to have crushes on boys. They watch Jonas Brothers or whatever and learn that's what girls and boys are supposed to do.

Maybe she's gay, maybe not, I don't think you'll find out for a while yet.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#3 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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Wow, hard to say. I think I would try to talk about it more, casually. It really could be anything from telling you she is gay to a boy at school likes her and she does not reciprocate.

You could say - oh, is there a certain girl/someone you do like? And see where it goes from there.
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#4 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 01:45 PM
 
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Perhaps I'm naive, but nine sounds really young to be experiencing true sexual attraction towards someone of either gender. If you'd asked me when I was nine whether I liked boys or girls, I would have said girls. Girls were who I played with. Boys were icky. If you'd asked me who I wanted to a marry, a boy or a girl, I probably would have been confused and embarrassed by the question, and may well have responded the same as your daughter: "I don't like boys!" And I turned out pretty solidly hetero.

I don't think your daughter is necessarily trying to tell you anything, other than perhaps the topic makes her uncomfortable -- not because of her sexual orientation but because she's pre-pubescent and not ready for this type of conversation. I would drop it, personally. She's already bombarded with overly-sexualized images as it is, I don't think she needs this kind of pressure at home as well.
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#5 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 01:48 PM
 
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I don't think you can tell anything at this age -- she could just think boys are yucky because she has not entered that early adolescent stage yet. My eight-year-old daughter's the same way -- hates anything with kissing or mushy romance, and has said repeatedly she never wants to marry a boy, she'd rather marry a girl who's just like her current best friend. She also hates things she perceives as "girly," and also anything where people are "trying to act cool" -- she's pretty hostile to tween culture like iCarly, boy bands, and fashionista posturing (all this is fine by me!!!). She wants to look for shirts in the boys' department and wears a lot of boyish clothes, then gets mad if anyone mistakes her for a boy. But she likes to try on my jewelry and shoes and tell me what to wear, too, and wants me to paint her nails.

She might turn out to be gay, or she might change her mind when the hormones hit -- I figure either way we'll be supportive, and I don't see a reason to push her to declare herself one way or the other until she declares it for herself. Right now she is trying hard to define herself and her identity in a lot of ways, and really reacts against anything she sees as pushing her into a box (not just about gender identity, but in any area!).
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#6 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 01:56 PM
 
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I would leave it alone.

IME, K/1st graders often talk about "marriage" and stuff like that because they're figuring out family relationships and talking about it with friends. It has nothing to do with sexual attraction.

It's also normal for kids that are slightly older to feel kind of weirded out by that and to prefer hanging out with the gender they identify most with. Don't judge your 9 year old daughter by the behavior of her younger brother. I have a feeling that in a few years, if you ask him what girl he likes or is going to marry, you'll get a grossed out reaction too.

At most I would say, "Oh sorry, honey, I didn't mean to make you feel like I was teasing you. If you want to talk about it I'm here for you, but lots of girls would rather be with other girls at your age, if you don't like to talk about boys then that's okay."

As others have said--she is likely dealing with a lot of overt and covert pressure in the sexuality department. Just because she pushes back against that does NOT mean that she is gay (not that that would be a bad thing) -- maybe she just is resisting the idea that her life should revolve around faking crushes she doesn't have and become boycentric already. IMO, that is a good thing that she's pushing back. The last thing she needs is you to heap more sexuality pressure (however well meaning) on her by trying to poke and prod her to figure out if she's gay, KWIM?
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#7 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 02:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanx I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy by not going into great detail with her about "relationships" at this point. I def want to be there for her, when shes ready to explore that side of herself..but for now i'll keep my little girl little LOL

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#8 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by aslyn View Post
I do know that most of her peers are interested in boys, and I've heard enough girls her age talk about how cute "that" boy is.......... I also wonder if she is feeling pressured by the peer relations about liking boys and having those kinds of interactions happening at school?

Anyone got any thoughts?
Numerous thoughts.

I remember starting to like boys around grade 6 - but I hit puberty early.

As an adult, I usually have fantasies about men, but occasionally about women. I identify as straight, though. Maybe it is a spectrum thing. I would be very careful about labels and I would never apply one to anyone else in this area - just let her know that whatever she is absolutely fine with you.

For the most part I find the whole young boys and girls going out thing to be as much cultural as it is sexual.

There is a girl who frequents the library where I work who is in grade 6 and say she has had the same boyfriend for 3 years.

TBH when I see a young girl (11 or under) who professes to like boys I worry about them. I worry that they are looking for love in the wrong places, or that they are so peer driven that they want a boyfreind to fit in..... Yeah, I just worry.
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#9 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 03:57 PM
 
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It sounds like you and your husband have made it clear that you love her regardless of whether she likes boys, girls, or both. Her anxiety over this issue sounds like its coming from school. Rather than probe the sexual orientation issue with her (while some kids do know early on, I think many don't have a clear sense of this until they're older), maybe talk to her about her friends' interests in boys, ask how she feels about it, etc.
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#10 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 04:09 PM
 
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I'm on the innocent side too..... but, I think nine is still too young to be attracted to anybody.

I remember when my daughter was young, some of her friends were very boy crazy. But, one of those boy crazy girls is a lesbian now at the age of 18. So, I just think nine is too young to know yet.

But, it's awesome that you are open to it. It's a hard thing to be open to sometimes.
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#11 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 04:16 PM
 
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I think "boy crazy" girls who are between eight and eleven are trying on a role -- one they see around them all the time in the society. I don't think they are actually sexually attracted to the boys, but they want to be grown up and they know that this is a huge part of teenage and adult life, and it's cool to be "mature." And the girls who aren't really into it want to look cool, too.

I remember pretending to have crushes on boys when I was 10 -- it was just what you did.
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#12 of 30 Old 03-31-2010, 04:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by gkb2215 View Post
It sounds like you and your husband have made it clear that you love her regardless of whether she likes boys, girls, or both. Her anxiety over this issue sounds like its coming from school. Rather than probe the sexual orientation issue with her (while some kids do know early on, I think many don't have a clear sense of this until they're older), maybe talk to her about her friends' interests in boys, ask how she feels about it, etc.
agreed.

I think 9 is young for sexual attraction (but not unheard of) and I think it can be a confusing issue for a child who finds children of the other gender annoying. A lot of 9 year old boys are really annoying, and "not liking boys" when she's 9 doesn't neccessarily mean much about what sort of people she'll want to date when she is older.

When one of my DDs was 9, she stated that "boys are strange, but in kind of a fun way" which I took as her first interset in boys as something other than people to build lego with.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#13 of 30 Old 04-01-2010, 01:16 AM
 
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When DD was 9 she didn't like boys, when she was 10 she didn't like boys... Now at 11, she tends towards crushes on adult males more then boys her own age. To her they are just really, really, really immature and not worth it.

I am guessing that she is saying things like this out of exasperation of whats going on with girls her own age at school, rather then an expression of sexual orientation. DD did that too at 9. Just out of nowhere announce that boys are more trouble then they're worth.

As for the PPs who said that 9 would be too young to now, I have to disagree. Most gays, lesbians, bisexuals know from even earlier then age 9. They know they are different and as soon as someone puts a name to what it is they can identify it, and themselves.

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#14 of 30 Old 04-01-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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I think it's very possible she's not gay and just isn't "into" boys yet but maybe the way other kids go on and on about boy/girl stuff bothers her? I felt like that when I was a kid. My friends started talking about boys when we were probably about 9 and I didn't feel comfortable with that until closer to 11. So when they got all ooey gooey over cute boys I just wanted to hide in a hole because I thought I was "behind" my peers. Like they were more socially ahead or something. And they would tease me because of it too.

Just a thought.

I think just talking it out on a continual basis with her should help either way.
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#15 of 30 Old 04-01-2010, 09:42 AM
 
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nm
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#16 of 30 Old 04-01-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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I think the next time it comes up I might sort of give her permission to not "like-like" either gender like that. I agree that she may be picking up a vibe from school or her little brother or the media or somewhere that she is supposed to be looking for a potential mate right now. I think letting her know that some kids don't start "liking" or "crushing" or looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend until much later, like high school or college would give her permission to just like girls and/or boys as friends and not have to be thinking in terms of boyfriend/girlfriend. Just let her know that whatever timetable she has for that stuff is fine.

I certainly didn't start "liking" boys until about 6th grade and remember I mostly did it just to be like the other girls. I don't think my brother had a girlfriend until he was in college. My DH, though, had a girlfriend in 1st grade (kissing in the coat closet). My dd1 is 9 and is still very firmly in the little kid not gonna grow up and have a boyfriend or a girlfriend stage. I don't know if she'll be lesbian or straight or bi, but right now she is definitely in the boys are fairly icky camp.

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#17 of 30 Old 04-02-2010, 01:10 AM
 
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Give her time.

My husband and I used to wonder about our daughter.. I still do at times.. when she's walking hand in hand with her best friend and they are singing Melissa Etheridge tunes at the top of their lungs...

Here is what I know. It does not matter one way or the other. She is who she is or isn't no amount of worry, fretting or stressing will force it to happen.


Our daughter met the woman that I loved in a former life and loves her too. We've had the talk, she knows Mom walked the walk.
When she falls in love, she knows that her parents will love and cherish that person..no matter who they are.. as long as they treat her with the love and respect she deserves. That is the most important for you and her to know.
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#18 of 30 Old 04-02-2010, 11:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanx again!

We had a very brief light hearted talk with her about it being cool to not like anyone at this point, and if she decides there is someone "special" she wants to tell us about it wont matter to us if its a boy/girl/purple people eater. We love her no matter what and nothing she could ever do will change that. I think most of it is coming from the pressure of school and just being in the midst of our society always needing to define oneself by their mates. I do remember having "crushes" at a very young age, but like all things they passed.

So at this point, we are just taking it 1 day at a time, and letting her decide what is right and when for her.

And FTW I still LOOOVE Melissa Etheridge and I am straight

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#19 of 30 Old 04-02-2010, 12:35 PM
 
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I agree with a lot of what others have said...wanted to add that a lot of boys at 9 and 10 are ANNOYING to girls the same age. I actually think they have a tendency to annoy each other. I myself prefer my 10 yr old boys and girls separate because of how wierd they act towards each other. I know this is a HUGE generalization and I had close male friends when I was young and I have a darling son....but. Sometimes I want to marry a girl too. Boys are dirty, especially farmers like my dh
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#20 of 30 Old 04-02-2010, 08:45 PM
 
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Thanx again!



And FTW I still LOOOVE Melissa Etheridge and I am straight
a wink and a giggle should have been put in there... bad attempt at silly humor
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#21 of 30 Old 04-03-2010, 08:28 AM
 
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There is some great conversation and insight in the responses you've received.

I can't add much, but I thought I would mention my own dd's experience. My dd, at age 11, told me she thought she was a lesbian, and went on to have a girlfriend in 6th grade. She went to a small school, everyone was kind of like "huh" but she and the girl didn't get much crap about it. As far as I can gather, this relationship didn't go much beyond writing sweet little notes and hand holding. I got some great advice on the MDC queer parenting board at the time.

She then went on to junior high. In ninth grade she is now neither boy or girl crazy. Her best friend since infancy is horribly boy crazy, and it annoys my dd to no end, to the point that DD limits her time with her, unfortunately. Most of the girls in her group of friends "like" boys, but only one or two are "in a relationship" at any given time. Several have never had a "boyfriend" or any sort of romantic relationship.

At one point, she told me she felt like being a lesbian was just a passing phase, but that she still doesn't feel really attracted to *anyone*. Our advice was just to not force it, remember to love and respect herself, and to please occasionally keep us posted.

Our youngest dd is now in 6th grade, and can't hardly even watch a movie with any sort of physical activity. Even kissing totally grosses her out. Which I find interesting, since we are a very physical family, with hugging and kissing and cuddling being the norm. Sometimes dh and I worry that dd#2 will never find joy in a physical relationship, but mainly our philosophy with number two is the same as number one: don't force it, just love and respect yourself.

So far so good.
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#22 of 30 Old 04-03-2010, 07:39 PM
 
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Going on the relationship I have with her now, and my daughter's personality, if she said that, I would straight up ask her, "Does that mean you like girls?" She knows that's okay, we don't really talk about their futures as if they'll necessarily be straight, etc.

I know I wasn't interested in boys at 9, and none of my friends were, either (aside from, like, the New Kids on the Block, most of my friends swooned over them!) Boys in class with us? No thanks. I do remember that there was an older girl in my school, and I thought she was just incredible. To the point that my mom said, "What are you, gay or something?" and really embarrassed me . . . so hey, don't do that.

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#23 of 30 Old 04-03-2010, 09:13 PM
 
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Totally different thought --

is it possible that your DD is being bullied by some boys?

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#24 of 30 Old 04-03-2010, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ZOMG New kids on the block!! That was a phase I had soooo forgotten about!

Linda on the move: She only tells me that all the kids are nice to her. She did say that nobody really talks to her, she doesn't have any "friends" but nobody is mean to her or anything like that. She did tell us the kids at her old school picked on her BADLY. They had her convinced she had head lice and that she was going to die from it

I will ask her about it though

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#25 of 30 Old 04-04-2010, 03:25 PM
 
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Oh Aslyn, that's awful about the teasing!

This is an interesting thread. My DD is 15, and still has no interest in boys. And when I've asked her, she says she's not interested in girls either. And she hit menarche 5 years ago. But she does have some vague interest in sex-related stuff. I know she reads yaoi fan fiction stories. (Yaoi is easiest to describe as Japanese light homoerotica marketed to girls.) But she still freaks out about kissing in movies and books. I'm sure having a step-dad contributes to this. She's also very introverted and not all that interested in people in general. Last night (a Saturday) found her watching her math class (online), with no notion that there was anything unusual about that. She has an old friend from elementary school that she goes out with once or twice a year, but that's about it. She's now involved in a school play (she goes to school part-time), and has joined a group organizing some sort of Earth Day event, but otherwise, she's a total homebody.

As for me, I was interested in boys from at least age 6, having some pretty significant crushes along the way. And I didn't even hit menarche until nearly 14. I perhaps was looking for more male attention, as my parents' marriage was less-than-ideal (and my dad was away lots b/c he's a trucker), then he left when I was 11. But I never actually had a real boyfriend until I was in Gr. 11/12, and I've only dated 4 guys total, including both my current and my ex-husband. I think my acne protected me from a lot of things.

My friend, on the other hand, her daughter became her son when he was 13. And it was a pretty obvious thing, since from toddlerhood, everyone who met them thought this child was a boy until they were told the child was female. Now, unless they're told directly, no one knows he was ever anything but a boy.

Overall, I wouldn't sweat it at 9. Being gay can mean a more challenging life in many ways (and not something I would wish on my children), but you're fine with it either way, so it'll all turn out fine in the end. It does certainly sound like your DD is not an average kid (this is a good thing!), and that will create some challenges for her with her peers over the next few years, but that's a completely separate issue.

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#26 of 30 Old 04-04-2010, 03:36 PM
 
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This seems way more about not liking boys than about being attracted to girls.

At that age, I couldn't stand boys. They were always making fake farts, teasing me about my lack of coordination, tripping each other up and laughing as though it was the funniest thing, making laser/rocket noises and calling people "spaz." I thought the whole lot of them were awful, ignorant buffoons. Had someone presented the option of marrying a girl down the line instead of one of those horrid creatures, I'd have been all over it, too.

Some of the girls in my class were already doing the "he's so cute" thing. It was incomprehensible to me and made me scorn them. Not only were the boys awful, but the girls were acting as if their behavior was not only ok, but endearing! I thought this was outrageous.

I'm with pp - leave it alone.
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#27 of 30 Old 04-04-2010, 04:25 PM
 
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I had my first 'girlfriend' when I was nine, but had no idea what 'gay' was. But I knew that I liked girls and had no interest whatsoever in boys.
Here I am, still queer twenty-five years later. So yes, it's possible to know when you're that young ... but what's the point? She's her own person, and always will be, and only time will tell how she lives her sexuality, whatever it is. It's not like it's either/or anyway ... she might find herself all over the spectrum. I believe it's the parents' job not to box our kids in. And sounds like you're keeping it all open, so rock on, mama!

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#28 of 30 Old 04-04-2010, 11:13 PM
 
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I didn't start being interested in boys until I was 16. If someone told me that a boy liked me I would be completely mortified and would keep my head down in case the boy was around and wanted to talk to me. I was really shy and it took me growing out of that before I could even talk to a boy.

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#29 of 30 Old 04-08-2010, 02:36 AM
 
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My DD is now 14. At 9, I would have been a bit concerned if she had expressed an interest in having a boyfriend, kissing, dating etc.


When she was 12 almost 13, she had a "boyfriend" for a short time. Mostly it meant walking to class together and eating together and talking on the phone. After a month or so, she felt that it was kind of pointless, so she "broke up" with him.

Now at 14, she is not much interested in boys - mostly because she thinks that most boys her age are immature and silly. She is not "interested" in girls either. Mostly she's interested in her studies, sports, reading novels, listening to music, and talking and emailing w/ her friends (who are mostly girls, buy some boys too).

She has a few friends who are boys - neighbors that she and her younger brother hang out w/ or go swimming w/.

She also is reaching the age that she and her friends (boys and girls) will do things like go in a group to see a movie or ice-skate .

In that she resembles me - I had a few tender thoughts about some guys in high school, along the lines of "he's kind of cute" but no real crushes or passions or boyfriends until I got to university.

I think it's far more normal than mainstream culture acknowledges for young teens not to have boyfriends or girlfriends, or even be that "into" love-relationships. Being an adolescent is a very self-absorbing and time-consuming activity.
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#30 of 30 Old 04-09-2010, 01:23 AM
 
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You know, my dd is only 7, but I sometimes wonder if she will be a lesbian. She is kind of "tom-boyish", and she has had several crushes on girls, and I just don't know how normal that is.

Anyway, I decided way back when she was five that I would just use gender-neutral language whenever I talked about her future. Like, "when you grow up and find someone you love and want to marry," not "your husband". Or "the person that you fall in love with", etc. Just in case. I figured it wouldn't hurt either way. I know not everyone in her life will do that, obviously, but at least I can.

Mommy to kids

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