Our dilemma is about how much privacy to give them. On the one hand, I'm glad they're open with us and not sneaking around behind our backs. On the other hand, I don't want to hear them, and certainly don't want their sister to hear them! We already told DD-18 that if her boyfriend comes to visit they won't be allowed to sleep in the same room, because her sisters don't need her sex life in their face. We haven't met her boyfriend yet, and she wasn't dating in HS, so our "experience," such as it is, is with DD-16 and her beau. They've been dating for almost a year; she drives (our car), he doesn't. Up till now, they've been allowed to hang out in her room but the door has to stay part way open, and he's not been allowed to be here if she's home alone (which rarely happens anyway since DH and I both work from home and we homeschool). Since we know they're getting ready to have sex, I figure the "home alone" rule will change; the problem is when we're home too...
Last night they were getting fairly noisy; granted, little sis wasn't home and they knew we were watching TV, so they probably felt a bit free-er than usual. But we interrupted and asked them to respect our rules - the door stays open so they won't do things we don't want to hear, and they knew that - and talked about it some more later in the evening. The situation and rules are pretty much the same at his house, so they have very little privacy. (I told him he needs to get a good job and move out on his own if they want space, but that'll take a while...)
I'm just confused about what to do, how much space/privacy to allow. Yeah, we know what they're doing, but we really don't want it in our face!
Anyone BTDT? or have parents who handled these things well? HELP!!!!
So far you are doing everything right as far as I'm concerned. They trust you enough so you know they are using birth control. That is a huge deal. They respect you enough to at least try to follow the rules, that is a big plus!
I don't know if you are looking for ways to try to keep the younger one at least from having sex with her boyfriend? Keeping the door open can help a bit, and I also was never allowed to sleep in the same room as boyfriend.
The problem is that as horny teens who want to have sex they are going to end up doing it wherever they can. In a car, outside, anywhere! They will get creative because they know it isn't allowed at either home and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't think there is really much you can do expect reinforce your expectations for respecting the rules of the house and then assume they are constantly trying to sneak around you behind your back to have sex. I know I was, and fyi this might be TMI but just to give you an idea, I on more than one occasion had sex with my BF in the living room with my mom's bedroom door wide open while she was in there about 15 feet away and she never knew a thing. So don't assume just because the door is open they aren't doing it you know?!
Honestly I think you are doing great and your girls are lucky to have such an open relationship. Not that many teens get that from their parents and it is so important!
I don't think there is anything wrong with forcing them to be creative. I wasn't allowed to bring boys into my room AT ALL, so most of our, um, fun, was in the back seat of cars or hanging out at dh's house while dh's dad was at work (which was fine with dh's dad, BTW). And then later in dorm rooms and such.
Now that dh and I are adults, we really look back on those times with a lot of laughter and fondness. We've even "recreated" some fun times in my car (although it loses a lot of its luster when you have to take car seats out of the back seat first ).
Wife to an amazing man , mommy to 3 wild dudes: ds1 (5/23/05 @ 30 weeks), ds2 (3/5/09) , and ds3 (9/26/10) . Part time librarian, full time mommy, occasional chef and maid.
In the end I see it this way... Is you and your husband sleeping in the same room and having sex in the house putting it in anyones face? If the answer is no, then I would think it would be the same for your daughters unless it's the pre-marital sex you have a problem with, which it sounds like you don't. I would focus more on keeping the noise level down than on the privacy.
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.
The toddler and i are right across the hall from the couple's bedroom and older ds slept in the living room when dd and her bf lived in it.
it's one of those things you can't imagine yourself accepting until you actually have grown children, though.
i had no issues whatsoever with embarrassing the noisy girl and can't exactly blame older ds for her behaviour. his serious girlfriend was a lovely person who never got in our face with their sex life.
i felt that they were much safer at home than being "creative" so once they were legal adults, i respected their privacy as long as they respected mine and their younger siblings'.
|it's one of those things you can't imagine yourself accepting until you actually have grown children, though.|
I can understand the dilemma...you want them to be safe (and when you have to get TOO creative, safety can slip), but you don't want her sex life all in your other DD's face. I honestly have no idea what I'd do, but as someone not far out of my teens, I just wanted to say you're handling this wonderfully...creating boundaries, but not freaking out.
NMY, uber-crunchy, college student, doula-in-training, health food store worker and future librarian
I'm in a similar situation right now, so this thread is very interesting for me. (My daughter will be 17y soon, with a recently aquired boyfriend.)
"I can understand the dilemma...you want them to be safe (and when you have to get TOO creative, safety can slip), but you don't want her sex life all in your other DD's face. I honestly have no idea what I'd do, but as someone not far out of my teens, I just wanted to say you're handling this wonderfully...creating boundaries, but not freaking out."
Yes. In our case there are 3 younger brothers (12y, 9y, 6y) - but I'm still thankful she's open with us. I'd much rather have them here at home than her telling me she's at a (girl)friend's house when she's actually with her boyfriend. Cars aren't really an option here (see location - no teenage driving around here) but I guess where there's a will there's a way?
Andrea , wife to K , mother to
I don't see what the problem is with allowing them to have the door shut and music on, if you know they are doing it and don't care. If they are old enough to be having sex, aren't they old enough to know they shouldn't make noise?
Single mama to S ~ 6/09