Soon to be Sexually Active Younger Sister, WWYD? UPDATE #22 - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh and I forgot to say, Thanks so much everyone for the suggestions, I am definitely considering all of them and even some of the ones I think will not work, like having her move in with me, it's nice to hear from someone else because it is definitely something I have considered and still would if I need to.
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#32 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh and the resources might have to be something I can find for her initially since she has virtually no access to anything right now.
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#33 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:28 PM
 
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Have you pointed out to your parents that she will never, ever talk to them about something like this again if they continue to act this way?
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#34 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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eclipse: Oh of course, I pointed that out to them long before this ever happened. "You know mom and dad if you act judgmental when she comes to you about sex/sexuality she's never going to talk to you about ANYTHING like that again." I had hope that they heard me then, but apparently not. And of course I have pointed it out in the last day or two, probably the last hour, but either they don't care or don't believe me.

My poor sister is never going to forgive them for this or forget it.
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#35 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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Hopefully the counselor will be able to help out with the parents.

The advice I would give her? Comply, comply, comply with whatever they want. Act all repentful. Say she agrees with them.Then do whatever she wants when she has the chance, just being very very careful not to get caught. And not ever tell them anything ever again.
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#36 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:39 PM
 
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I think your sister should just give your parents some time to get over it. I doubt moving out would be a good option at this time in her life.
How long has it been since they found out?

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#37 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ah yes that is exactly how I survived the highschool years, exactly that way. She has a stubborn streak a mile wide though and will NOT NOT NOT do that. I wish she would sometimes, it would make my life 100x easier but I understand her reasons for refusing to give in to the demands. I think I may have to repeat that advice though, it's only a year of living at home, then she can go to college and get out of the house.
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#38 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 08:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by weliveintheforest View Post
I think your sister should just give your parents some time to get over it. I doubt moving out would be a good option at this time in her life.
How long has it been since they found out?
It's only been 4 days since they found out. I do think it will blow over some in a couple of weeks but I'm not sure how much it will. I have some hope that they will get over it but honestly I don't think she is going to forgive them anyway and they are angry enough to keep restricting her freedom over this for at least a few months.

I agree that moving out is probably not the best option, so how can I help her while she is here besides holding her hand while she cries and talks to me?
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#39 of 45 Old 08-09-2010, 11:31 PM
 
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I was sort of in the same position as your sister at that age. Extremely religious parents who were pretty controlling and who found out I was sexually active. It wasn't fun.

I guess my big question would be --what are her plans? In my case, I definitely wanted to go to college, and my parents were paying for it. It was so worth it to me to just shut up and pretend to comply for 8 months or so until I knew I'd be off to college and could do what I wanted to do.

If I was planning on moving out at 18 and getting a job, I wouldn't have been so compliant.
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#40 of 45 Old 08-10-2010, 09:35 AM
 
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Good point EFmom, some of this kind of depends on where the OPs sister sees herself in 6-12 months with regards to parent support, etc.

I also agree with pps who think that the parent's response here is really, incredibly detrimental to their long term relationship with their daughter. She is 17. How on earth can you expect to prohibit the sexuality of a 17 year old??

In response to the OP: Also I am wondering why the STI test? Do you have a reason to suspect that your sister's partner has an STI? Did they use condoms and did they minimise the risk of transmission? If they took precautions, why worry about it immediately?

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#41 of 45 Old 08-10-2010, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was sort of in the same position as your sister at that age. Extremely religious parents who were pretty controlling and who found out I was sexually active. It wasn't fun.

I guess my big question would be --what are her plans? In my case, I definitely wanted to go to college, and my parents were paying for it. It was so worth it to me to just shut up and pretend to comply for 8 months or so until I knew I'd be off to college and could do what I wanted to do.

If I was planning on moving out at 18 and getting a job, I wouldn't have been so compliant.

Her plans are similar to yours, go to college which my parents are willing to pay for. Financial support is a big big reason there is this struggle. I'm relatively certain if they were not going to be putting her through college she would have just left at the start of this trouble. So right or wrong it's probably in her best interest for the future to try to get along to make it easier for her to get the education she wants.
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#42 of 45 Old 08-10-2010, 10:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by aussiemum View Post
Good point EFmom, some of this kind of depends on where the OPs sister sees herself in 6-12 months with regards to parent support, etc.

I also agree with pps who think that the parent's response here is really, incredibly detrimental to their long term relationship with their daughter. She is 17. How on earth can you expect to prohibit the sexuality of a 17 year old??

In response to the OP: Also I am wondering why the STI test? Do you have a reason to suspect that your sister's partner has an STI? Did they use condoms and did they minimise the risk of transmission? If they took precautions, why worry about it immediately?

Honestly I am wondering why the STI test too. She used condoms every time as far as I know, however, her partner did have other sex partners before her so there is always a risk there no matter the precautions that are taken. I think since my sister knows the risks she would just like to get checked while I am still around town to take her and help explain the whys, hows, and whats of STI testing.

Also, my parents, I think are insisting on it to try to scare her out of having sex, obviously this isn't going to work. But I think my sister is handling it in the most mature way possible by just going to get tested, most likely so she can say "ha told you I was being the safest possible."

So the STI testing may be mostly unnecessary at this point but it's something she is plenty willing to do, and I think since I will still be around to take her to Planned Parenthood, at the very least it will allow her to know where it is and become comfortable with the building in case she needs to go there for anything else. (oh and hopefully talking to someone there about what is going on will make her feel a little better.)
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#43 of 45 Old 08-10-2010, 12:50 PM
 
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Her plans are similar to yours, go to college which my parents are willing to pay for. Financial support is a big big reason there is this struggle. I'm relatively certain if they were not going to be putting her through college she would have just left at the start of this trouble. So right or wrong it's probably in her best interest for the future to try to get along to make it easier for her to get the education she wants.
Then I guess if I were you, I'd support her in biting her tongue and hanging in there until she goes to college. The reality is that your parents do have the upper hand unless your sister is willing to forego a free education and become self-supporting.

I also have to say that I think your parents have a point that really it isn't your business to interfere with them. Obviously, I strongly disagree with how they are treating your sister, too, but they are her parents and until she's out of their house, they do have the right to call the shots. It sucks, but fortunately, she's already 17. And while she's at college, they'll have little idea what she's up to.
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#44 of 45 Old 08-10-2010, 03:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, I will support her in doing that if she is willing.

I agree with you that it isn't my business to interfere. I've only said anything to them when they have brought it up with me or asked my opinion and my sister is out of hearing because I really do not want to interfere with their parenting. All I've really been able to do for my sister so far is be a shoulder to cry on, listen and give her a hug. I disagree with them and I do think they are doing damage to the relationship but I have some hope that it will work out in the end because I remember being 17 living in my parents house and it was hell. Now that I'm not at home most of the time we get along great and even when we don't we manage to get through it.
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#45 of 45 Old 09-24-2010, 05:45 PM
 
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Thanks, I will support her in doing that if she is willing.

I agree with you that it isn't my business to interfere. I've only said anything to them when they have brought it up with me or asked my opinion and my sister is out of hearing because I really do not want to interfere with their parenting. All I've really been able to do for my sister so far is be a shoulder to cry on, listen and give her a hug. I disagree with them and I do think they are doing damage to the relationship but I have some hope that it will work out in the end because I remember being 17 living in my parents house and it was hell. Now that I'm not at home most of the time we get along great and even when we don't we manage to get through it.
Being 17 was awful, wasn't it? I think the best thing you can do with your parents is agree to disagree, and with your sister, support her in making good decisions. IMO, that means sucking it up until she's out of the house and jumping through whatever hoops your parents present. Sucks that you're in this position. Good luck.

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