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Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdad and mom to DS 24 months, and DD 8 months! .
I think you handled it really well. However, I don't think you have an obligation to tell your parents. I think that although she is a minor, she has a right to some privacy. If you felt she was in danger (like in the past with her drug use) then I think that would be a reason to let your parents know.
I think there are several issues...is she ready to be sexually active? Should she be sexually active with this particular person? However, I think those issues are hers to decide. It is great that she came to you and you were able to give her something to think about. I think that's the best thing you could have done for her.
However, I am now the mom of a 14 year old. And if she was wanting to have sex at 17, I would want to know. As a parent, I cannot best parent when I don't have all the information. And I would be very angry to find out that someone else had the information and kept it from me. It's my job, as a parent, to help my child learn the best route for her, but I cannot do my job best, when I don't know all the information. As a parent, I think the parent should be made aware that her child is considering something so life changing.
|In the OP's case, her sister has someone to talk to that is 1) knowledgeable, 2) non-judgmental, even if she has her own opinion she keeps it to herself and 3) trustworthy enough that these things can be discussed with an understanding of confidentiality.
It is more important that a teen have someone knowledgeable they can talk to, than it is for the parents to have every ounce of information about their teen.
Besides, by 17 I would expect you'd be pretty much done with the child rearing.
|I think you forgot to read the part where I got pg at 17, after the big blow out when my parents found out I was not a virgin Yeah, I know that quite clearly, I have a daily 14 year old reminder of it
But, take for example, the fertility issue. While it's been discussed with my dd, just by virtue of my experiencing it, if don't KNOW that she, for example, thinks that POF means she can't get pg, then I also don't know that I need to reiterate to her and make sure she clearly understands fertility. Knowing that she's considering sex isn't as much about trying to prevent it, as it is know that I am approching her the right way. We have had a couple discussions already and I try hard to be as open as possible, but the tone of my conversation and my answers to her questions would be different if I knew she was not a virgin, vs if I knew she was a virgin but considering changing that, vs planning to wait until marriage (which to be honest is not something I consider the best route anyway.)
I do agree that a 17 year old has a right to a certain level of privacy. BUT, if I don't understand the questions being asked or the reasons behind them, it's too easy for me to give the wrong answers. It's not about my right to know as a parent, as much as it is about my ability to provide the best information and answers to my child.
No, at 17, you are pretty much NOT done with child rearing. Yes, you should be more in the background and more of a resource than an active, guiding, teacher. But, you are a long way from "pretty much done." Almost legal adult doesn't mean almost adult maturity. I agree that it's vital for teens to have somone to go to and it's awsome that the OP's sister has the OP to confide in. And I would absolutely be hesitant to completely advise the OP to run right to mom, because it would likely shatter that trust and drive the sister away.
But I do still believe that withholding information that important from mom makes it impossible for mom to be the best parent. It's like withholding medical information from a doc. If you tell a doc you are a virgin, it's pretty unlikely that s/he would consider an STD in diagnosing a medical problem. If you are in fact sexually active, a major problem could be missed and go untreated.
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