Parents don’t believe their kids have sex - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-22-2010, 01:29 AM
 
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So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...
I'd say that about sums it up, yes.

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Old 06-22-2010, 10:52 AM
 
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So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...
And learn communication...

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Old 06-22-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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Can't say I am horribly surprised. I have met some vary naive parents when it comes to the idea of their child even thinking about another person in that way.

It does bug me though, mostly because I know that most likely they will either 1) have kids who grow up being great at lying or 2) find out and flip out or be horribly disappointed and their kids just back off more and hide more or what they do.
This is my parents. It seem they more think of it towards the girls. My mom keep saying how she would tell my sister about not doing the things she should do so she know it and gaving her book to read..ect... Yet my 18year old freshman in college sister is rarely home and always by her boyfriend. When she was at school she would not come home until 10(even though her last class was around 5/6 and would leave 8:30am when her first class was around 10am-12am). Now she working for summer she comes home washes the dishes and leaves until 10pm at night.

So yea we did become great at lieing and making it seem like we do the 'right thing'.
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Old 06-22-2010, 01:04 PM
 
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That reminds me of SO many girls I knew when I was younger - they were sexually active, but didn't use contraception because that meant that they would have to admit to themselves that they WERE sexually active, which meant they were a dirty girl. Most of them ended up pregnant and married to some loser they would never have dreamed of marrying otherwise. Better, apparently, to take the very large risk of pregnancy than take the pill and use it as an excuse for what they were already doing.
This is true. It is like some are still in denial. I know I was and I only started at age 20. I even tried to convince myself I was still a V because it was a quick thing with a boyfriend and I didn't O(and we was only together for a weekend). And even with my other boyfriend, my now husband I was still in denial about it because we was trying to wait until marriage.

I do agree with those girls also marrying people they wouldn't have thought of eighter, their/our minds are so confused.
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Old 06-22-2010, 01:23 PM
 
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Interesting article. I think this is worth repeating: "I don’t think all parents are thinking this way, but I think this group of parents is thinking this way"

The other expert in the article mentioned that teenagers are easily embarrassed by their parents' attempts to talk about sexuality.

The researcher said "teens are complicit in their parents’ head-in-the-sand mentality."

"And basically, the parents would say, we have tried to talk with him or her, but the teen says, ’eww ... Mom, I don’t need to hear this information. I’m not doing anything,’" she said. "So I think that the teenagers are actively presenting themselves to their parents as asexual."

I don't think they intend to imply that Teens, as an organized entity, are all working from the same memo in order to thwart their Parents and lie to them.

But a few years ago I did read a book about how to talk to your kids about sex. The author made a similar point. It's not enough for a parent to be willing to discuss sex if their child brings it up. Because chances are, because kids are embarrassed to talk about it, they won't necessarily bring it up with their parents. The author said over and over, parents need to start the conversations, and for the sake of their childrens' health and safety, need to persevere in spite of everyone's discomfort.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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Old 06-22-2010, 01:50 PM
 
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It's not enough for a parent to be willing to discuss sex if their child brings it up. Because chances are, because kids are embarrassed to talk about it, they won't necessarily bring it up with their parents. The author said over and over, parents need to start the conversations, and for the sake of their childrens' health and safety, need to persevere in spite of everyone's discomfort.
I completely agree with this.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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Old 06-22-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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Some are. Some aren't. My point is that this stuff just feeds into our cultural "teenagers are sex-crazed slaves to their hormones (except mine, of course)" wackiness. The teens may not read the articles, but they're definitely aware that a good portion of our society thinks they're sex-crazed.

And, I have to say that I don't know that many parents of the "my pure little innocent would never do that" variety...but every one of those parents that I do know had children who were very sexually active at a fairly early age. (OTOH, so was I...and my mom wasn't of that stripe at all.)
I agree there is a lot of cultural pressure (coming from adults) that expect teens to be horn dogs and doing it at every possible chance.

One of my son's friend is asexual. This has been something her parents have expected for a lot time as a little girl she would say she didn't want a husband. When they mention having a wife she said no to that either. At 15 she says she has no sexual desire and isn't sexually attracted to anyone. Her grandparents and other adults put a lot more into my son and her relationship.

My son is interest, but not with her or anytime soon.

I find a lot of adults put pressures and innuendos into their kids relationship.
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Old 06-22-2010, 03:56 PM
 
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And some parents know their kids and are right about it.
Yep, that is true too.
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Old 06-25-2010, 01:12 PM
 
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Yeah but if we trust what most parents say then no person under the age of 25 is even remotely interested in the formation of intimate relationships. That is just not the way it is though. Sure there is the odd young teen who isn't interested, but by the very nature of the growing human body, most young teens have thought about, or explored the idea of relationships and sex.

What holds value is more parents understanding that what they want (teen not interested in sex) and what is true are more often than not two very opposite things. When you accept that it is a possibility and approach things from the point of view "You may or may not be thinking about it now, but chances are you will start in the next year" and discuss things from the POV that even if they aren't interested in a relationship, they are still sexual beings then it just opens a whole new world of comfort for the teen in doing what they know is best for them. As opposed to doing what everyone else tells them to do, while tell mom and dad what they want to hear.

And the fact still remains, you (general you) don't know what your child is thinking with 100% certainty. We are open and honest with sex in this house, but we don't even pretend to know what dd is thinking on the matter. What we do know is that we have been working for years to give her the tools she needs to make her choice on the matter, not do what someone else wants or expects.

Thank You! These are my sentiments exactly.
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:28 PM
 
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I thought I was a cool dude back in the day when I was in MS. Now that my son has graduated and we have had the backyard parties over the last few days, I am amazed at how many kids at 13 and 14 have had oral sex. maybe its the information age, maybe its something else.

I still am in a state of shock.
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:36 PM
 
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I thought I was a cool dude back in the day when I was in MS. Now that my son has graduated and we have had the backyard parties over the last few days, I am amazed at how many kids at 13 and 14 have had oral sex. maybe its the information age, maybe its something else.

I still am in a state of shock.
Just curious how you know this? Are the kids talking about it?

I have a good friend who is convinced that every preteen/teen girl is after her teen son, "but he has no interest at all-he's not there yet". I guess she knows her son best, but it's interesting to watch the real life interactions. They don't really mesh w/the mom's ideas.
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:44 PM
 
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I thought I was a cool dude back in the day when I was in MS. Now that my son has graduated and we have had the backyard parties over the last few days, I am amazed at how many kids at 13 and 14 have had oral sex. maybe its the information age, maybe its something else.

I still am in a state of shock.
My Junior Year in HS we were told there were 2 6th graders pregnant by 7th graders...We we all shocked because it hadn't been that long since we were that age...

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Old 06-30-2010, 10:54 AM
 
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Well I admit I didn't think my daughter was having sex either but now I'm a grandma. My daughter just turned 15 and my g'daughter is 2 months old. The good news is that she and her bf are still together and they are raising the baby, with mine and the other mom's help obviously. It's not something I'd have hoped for but I've been there for her and my g'daughter is a blessing.
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:30 PM
 
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If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that those parents who operate from a "they are sexual beings and will be thinking about these things now or very soon" are more likely to have kids who think "ok, this is definitely something that I am interested in but I don't actually want to do it now." So basically, a reasonable understanding of ones child as a sexual being would in effect make a more sexually responsible teen.

Obviously there are other factors, but my experience tells me that the people who waited until later are the ones who weren't addressed by their parents in such a way that made their sexual feelings "bad".
I agree. People I knew growing up who had honest, trusting relationships with their parents and talked about sex without shame stayed virgins longest. My mom told me too late that I was "never ever allowed to have sex" or she'd kill me. Thanks, mom.

My MIL still doesn't admit that we have sex. When I got pg with #3 (my first with dh), she couldn't figure out how it happened. Literally. Dh was like..."do you want me to explain?" and she got this horrified look on her face. He used to spend the night at my house and every time (he was 23) she'd ask him if he was going over to babysit. She didn't get it until we got married!

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Old 06-30-2010, 04:34 PM
 
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I don't like the article because it seems to extrapolate quite a bit from a very small sample size. The researcher even says that you can't draw conclusions about most parents or teens and yet it seems that they turn around and do it anyway.

This is one area where I think having been a single teen parent gives me a bit of an advantage. For one thing, it wasn't THAT long ago that I was in that position. I sometimes think that parents forget, unintentionally, what it really was like when they were kids, and that is just a fact of time. The more time you are removed from something, the harder it is to remember the details.

In addition, when discussing with my teen daughter (she's 14) we have real life examples that she's lived to fall back on. I can say things like remember when we had to live with Grandma? We can discuss things from the point of view of what we had to do when she was a little kid and how we live now (I am married, having more kids, we own a house etc) and what she wants for the future and does she really want to have to make the choices we had to when she was little.

And, as I said, I am now having more kids. I have a 19 month old and am pg again. She was in the delivery room when the 19 month old was born and likely will be again. Watching me go through pg (and the present one has been pretty rough on me) and labor and delivery DOES have an impact on her. It also provides fantastic openings for discussions, as does the whole having a different biological father issue.

I know she's "interested" in sex. I can't imagine she wouldn't be, I was curious about it at 14. But I also know she doesn't have a boyfriend, and doesn't generally hang out with boys. She's just getting into high school and is trying out for the soccer team and as she gets more independant, I am sure the issue will come up for her. But, I remember when I was a teen, I didn't do drugs or drink because really, I simply didn't have easy access. I had sex because I had easy access. And, at the moment, she doesn't really have easy access to any of it. So, for now, I am not worried. But, I also remember that who I was at 14, vs who I was at 16 and 17, they were VERY different. I expect the same will be true for her.
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