my 9 yo ds "french kissed" his brother... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 07-17-2010, 10:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My 4 yo explained to me that my 9 yo gave him a long, slobbery kiss that he did not like when they were playing in a fort they built in the house. I asked if he put his tongue in his mouth, he said yes. I asked if anything else happened- he said no. But he said he did not like it and he wanted me to talk to ds. I told him that was not okay and that he can always tell someone no and stop and he can always telll me and I'll make sure it doesn't happen again (hope I said that right!)

I'm really...bothered. I don't want my 9 yo to have strange/shameful memories, and I don't want my younger children to be hurt either.

I do not think ANY abuse or inappropriate exposure has taken place, although I am open to hearing anything I need to hear (no denial here). I think he is just experimenting/acting out/recreating desires, etc. BUT, his 4 yo brother is at a compeltely different stage developmentally. I wouldn't be as alarmed if this was a peer, if that makes sense.

Obviously, I need to talk to him. He is at his dad's for the rest of this week. When he gets back, I will talk to him.

Any advice? Any been there/done that? Is this common? Anything would help! Thanks!
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#2 of 6 Old 07-17-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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going from my own experience here.

when i was younger i had a sister 5 years older, one brother 4 years older, and another brother 3 years older than me. whenever we all got together we did things like that, idk why now just something that happened that we grew out of. when i got older i felt slightly ashamed but i did talk about it with a few people, and it's apparently not all that weird, it happens quite often(or at least the people i've talked to have openly admitted to having "kissed" another family member at some point, so it must not be as weird as some think). I think it's the age, though the younger didn't want it so I'm really not sure how you should approach it, especially since I don't have kids that age(hence why I'm posting with my own experiences).

he's here; kaine (11/9/09)
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#3 of 6 Old 07-19-2010, 11:04 AM
 
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IMO, 9 is old enough to understand why something like that would be an inappropriate action, and your best bet is just to talk to him about it as frankly as you can manage!

the major thing i'd talk about is doing things to others without their consent. that is the biggest issue here, i'd think, considering that plenty of people have memories of doing things like that with their peers or siblings. it's all within the range of normal, but if he's not able or willing to tell when the person he's with is uncomfortable with an action, that could definitely open the door to less normal, healthy actions.

have you talked to him at all about sex, sexual development etc? 9 is such a tricky age... many kids that age are having powerful urges and desires that are on the edge of sexuality, but they are still acting on them in very innocent ways.

anyway, the most important thing to discuss would be that what he did was wrong, not because of what it was or who it was with, but because the person he did it to was not happy with what he did. if someone didn't like being kissed by him, it wouldn't matter whether it was a 4 year old, a 9 year old, or a 90 year old that he kissed.

it's a delicate situation! i think you'll do fine, especially based on your reaction to your younger child!
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#4 of 6 Old 07-19-2010, 03:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverFish View Post
the most important thing to discuss would be that what he did was wrong, not because of what it was or who it was with, but because the person he did it to was not happy with what he did. if someone didn't like being kissed by him, it wouldn't matter whether it was a 4 year old, a 9 year old, or a 90 year old that he kissed.

it's a delicate situation! i think you'll do fine, especially based on your reaction to your younger child!
I agree with this. Also, I think it's totally normal. My girls, 10 and 8, have done stuff like this to each other, and I remember my sister, myself and my cousins doing similar stuff around this age. Kids are curious and do not think like adults.

From your post it doesn't sound like your younger son told his brother he didn't like it. I like that you told him to tell his brother if he doesn't like something.
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#5 of 6 Old 07-19-2010, 04:06 PM
 
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I think that kids just try to copy things they see. Try not to make too much of a big deal about it right now. This is the first time something like this has happened so try to be calm when you explain to him why you don't want him to do that to his brother. This might be a good time to start discussions on what a defines a healthy relationship. When kissing and affection is appropriate. A lot of this type of talk will involve what your values and beliefs you have. Try to think of this as an opportunity to teach him and not a problem.
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#6 of 6 Old 07-20-2010, 01:11 AM
 
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It's really pretty normal. My son tried it with me at ~7. Don't freak out over it, but talk to your 9yo and let him know it's not really appropriate at this point.
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