My (anti) social dd - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 07-27-2010, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
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I will be cross posting this (homeschooling and preteens/teens) because while it seems a preteen thing--I am not sure if it is actually (in our case) related to homeschooling. Also, I don't want people to just say "put her back in school". . . while that could be an option, neither of us want that right now.

A little background: my currently 10 1/2 yr old dd used to be the "social butterfly"-- she always felt the need to invite everyone to her birthday parties, everyone at the school seemed to know her (she attended ps K- part of gr. 3), and friends made up a big part of her life. When we pulled her out of ps we had a bit of adjustment because she was used to being surrounded by people. She seemed to miss some of the 'buzz' associated with it, but def. liked eliminating the backstabbing, groupie, cliche behavior. Soon, she had figured out whom she really liked hanging out with and we made plenty of opportunities for that. We also let her do summer camps that she had interest in, and she has been involved in community theater & girl scouts for a number of years.

Recently, she has taken to "holing" up in her room. She would read 24/7 if I would let her. That and use the computer. She doesn't want to invite friends over. She has turned down several opportunities to hang out with her friends. She has no explanation except that she doesn't feel like it. However, when her sister has friends over, she sort of 'takes over' the play date. My own theory is that she likes to be boss and the younger girls let her. Also, when she has 'had enough', she can retreat without causing a problem. And, this is more than odd because she used to prefer the company of slightly older or at least more mature kids. She also used to get annoyed with her sister's friends.

She used to spend the summer with friends, biking, going to the beach, reading, playing outside, and swimming. Now, she is outside when I make her. She loves her horse lessons, but that is it. We have several camping trips planned and she seems to come alive during these. Our last trip was a multi family camping trip with some friends of ours. She had a blast--seemed like her old self, played with lots of kids (all ages).

So, I don't know if this is a result of homeschooling (does she not feel like she has anything in common anymore), puberty (no boobs or height or anything yet--just this attitude), or depression.

What would you do, if anything at all?


Mom to three very active girls Anna (14), Kayla (12), Maya (8). 
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#2 of 7 Old 07-29-2010, 10:31 PM
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Hmmm, I'm thinking that puberty is upon her. It's the behaviour and attitude changes that come first for many girls.

Homeschooling is an advantage here, as you're guessing. DD was in PS until 8th grade, and she found the social aspect stressful the last few years. She'd come home from school and hole up in her room and we never saw her. Once we decided to HS, she comes out and hangs out with us.

Keep an eye out for signs of depression, that would be my only concern.

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#3 of 7 Old 07-29-2010, 10:50 PM
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I think it's pretty normal for the age. I know I went through that around 11 and 12. My DD has been more like this the past year (12 to 13.) The girls in my Girl Scout troop are certainly a lot like this, some of them starting around 10.

Married mom of two, DD 17 and DS 14.
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#4 of 7 Old 07-29-2010, 10:58 PM
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Puberty, and honestly if she is any thing like a number of 10 year olds she probably feel put out by other girls her age who would rather act older than just have fun. A lot of times there is the "we're 10 so we have to focus on boys and clothes and make" when some girls just want to play games and have fun.

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#5 of 7 Old 07-29-2010, 11:18 PM
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As a fellow homeschool parent I really wouldn't worry too much about it unless she was showing other signs of depression.
Sometimes social butterflies only seem that way because of their desire not to hurt others or make anyone feel left out. Maybe this more reflective/introverted person is more of who she really is?

Personally I would just sit down one night fix up a big bowl of popcorn or something and some yummy drinks and when she meanders over start up a long hear to heart as to what is going on.

I dont know if it is like this for everyone but I know that it has been my experience with homeschooling that sometimes I realize that although I technically am spending all day with my kids sometimes I forget to "be" with my kids. Know what I mean?

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#6 of 7 Old 07-30-2010, 12:15 AM
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Now much to add to what the others have said, except to use this time to nurture your relationship with mother-daughter activities. Before you know it, she'll be spending lots of time with friends again.
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#7 of 7 Old 07-30-2010, 02:22 AM
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Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Puberty, and honestly if she is any thing like a number of 10 year olds she probably feel put out by other girls her age who would rather act older than just have fun. A lot of times there is the "we're 10 so we have to focus on boys and clothes and make" when some girls just want to play games and have fun.
I agree with this. Its common for them to get moody and hide away in private more often as puberty approaches. And it may be that her friends are at a different stage developmentally then she is right now. When I hit that age, many of my friends were all about boys, clothes, make up etc. I was completely not interested in that stuff and couldn't understand why they were. It may be that your younger daughters friends are somewhat closer to what she is looking for, playing games and having fun.
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