Respect for themselves when boyfriends have no morals - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 11-03-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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Sounds like she needs a crash course in what a healthy relationship looks like. It doesn't look like whats happening - "prove it"????!!! WHAT??? In a healthy relationship there is no need to prove anything.

I would get MORE involved. She'll thank you later. Is there a women's organization around you that does teen education regarding relationships? She won't listen to you I guarantee it, but she might listen to someone else. Do you know anyone who's been in a bad relationship that she has lots of respect for? Talking to that person, and letting them take her to coffee might be good for her.

I would start looking into making sure she has ALL the info she needs about birth control, sex, babies, abusive relationships, etc. Maybe some good, well placed articles that she might stumble upon??
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#32 of 41 Old 11-03-2010, 06:05 PM
 
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What about calling HIS parents? Let his parents know what he is suggesting. As other people have pointed out--there are serious consequences to "sexting" pix, I would be grateful if a parent let me know what was happening before any damage had been done.
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#33 of 41 Old 11-03-2010, 07:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
Sounds like she needs a crash course in what a healthy relationship looks like. It doesn't look like whats happening - "prove it"????!!! WHAT??? In a healthy relationship there is no need to prove anything.

I would get MORE involved. She'll thank you later. Is there a women's organization around you that does teen education regarding relationships? She won't listen to you I guarantee it, but she might listen to someone else. Do you know anyone who's been in a bad relationship that she has lots of respect for? Talking to that person, and letting them take her to coffee might be good for her.

I would start looking into making sure she has ALL the info she needs about birth control, sex, babies, abusive relationships, etc. Maybe some good, well placed articles that she might stumble upon??
All this.

It sounds like you're dealing with both teen stuff (the hormonal upheaval, struggle to find their identity, etc.) and the irrational behaviour that can develop in a toxic relationship. She's dedicated herself to this boy, and he's manipulating her. I've never figured out how to help my adult friends who end up in relationships like this, so I don't know what to say about your dd, either...but she definitely needs a crash course on some very grown up topics. She's probably convinced that she has to be a "good girlfriend" (no matter what it takes) and that he's the most important person in her life.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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#34 of 41 Old 11-06-2010, 08:09 PM
 
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I think you should mention to her that those pictures she might take are forever. They are his once they are on his phone and he can do what he likes with them. Maybe he will delete, maybe he will save them forever in case she ever becomes famous, or more likely: he will pass them around to his friends.

Michelle: wife to J, mom to M (2001), E (2003), C (2005), S (2007) and O! (2009) And someone new in 2011!
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#35 of 41 Old 11-08-2010, 01:27 AM
 
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You know, when I was a young teen in love with the wrong guy, I really wish someone had taken a step back and looked at the real issue: My confidence level. Boys were new and exciting, and hormones drove that feeling to a different level - but the deeper issue that really contributed to allowing myself to be manipulated and eventually assaulted by these pushy teenage boys was the fact that I was not as confident in myself as people believed.

I wish someone had taken me aside and really told me that I was worth more. That boys out there would treat me with respect and dignity, but that it was my job to demand it. I really did feel like I had to latch on to the boys that liked ME because maybe no other boy would ever feel that way towards me again. And I was an extremely confident girl to any outsider, I never really displayed any signs of lacking self-esteem except when it came to boys. I think society and outside influences subconsiously pressed the idea into my mind to GRASP ANY MAN and be the ultimate man-pleaser, because could I do better? Maybe not. And having a man was better than being alone.

I know tensions are probably VERY high at home right now, but maybe she could make a list of all the reasons why she likes this guy so much? All the reasons why she wants him to be her boyfriend? And then make a second list - all the qualities she wants and needs in a boyfriend to be happy. She might find that the lists don't match up.

But ultimately, instead of banning me from the phone like my mom did - I wish she had sat down with me and told me not only was I beautiful inside and out, but that there were a ton of other boys out there that would want a relationship with me - cuter, nicer, and more respectful boys, and it was worth the wait.

$0.02

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#36 of 41 Old 11-11-2010, 10:32 AM
 
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This boy is a predator and certainly he was/ is collecting other pics and targeting other girls.  I would do anything within my power to stop their contact, including removing her from the school.   

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#37 of 41 Old 11-11-2010, 01:04 PM
 
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Respect: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed

This book is a great starting place for discussing these issues.  

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#38 of 41 Old 11-15-2010, 02:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FarrenSquare View Post

You know, when I was a young teen in love with the wrong guy, I really wish someone had taken a step back and looked at the real issue: My confidence level. Boys were new and exciting, and hormones drove that feeling to a different level - but the deeper issue that really contributed to allowing myself to be manipulated and eventually assaulted by these pushy teenage boys was the fact that I was not as confident in myself as people believed.

I wish someone had taken me aside and really told me that I was worth more. That boys out there would treat me with respect and dignity, but that it was my job to demand it. I really did feel like I had to latch on to the boys that liked ME because maybe no other boy would ever feel that way towards me again. And I was an extremely confident girl to any outsider, I never really displayed any signs of lacking self-esteem except when it came to boys. I think society and outside influences subconsiously pressed the idea into my mind to GRASP ANY MAN and be the ultimate man-pleaser, because could I do better? Maybe not. And having a man was better than being alone.

 

This.

 

At 18, I dropped out of university, married the loser I'd been dating for six months, and moved a few thousand miles away from home with him. All with about $200 in my pocket and never having met his family. He made me feel needed, and I needed to feel needed.

 

A few years ago, I was chatting with my mother and mentioned something about having been so insecure as a kid/teen, and she was surprised. Apparently, she'd had no idea. I guess that's what happens when you don't get involved and don't talk to your kids. 
 

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#39 of 41 Old 11-20-2010, 01:55 PM
 
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OP, how are things going?


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#40 of 41 Old 11-28-2010, 07:58 AM
 
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Quote:
 I told her I am trying to raise her with self respect and I just don't understand why she has made this decision. Now she won't even let me talk to her about it....just says "stop it." I said she can see him in school because I can't control that, but I won't allow any communication outside of school. If he wants to talk to her he can call the house phone (how scary). Now she is mad at me and her tone is disrespectful and I am getting angry. What is the best way to handle this?  

 

I think that it is generally more effective to focus on dd's behavior and feelings rather than this boy's. I think that prohibiting communication or contact with a specific boy probably only fuels the desire & dishonesty. It just seems like it would better serve her for this event and for her future if she felt empowered to honor and respect herself. I would prefer to focus on why one would send pics of themselves & how that action might be detrimental rather than focusing on the fact that a particular boy asked her to. Because you can't always control who she's around, you can help her learn to feel confident in responding appropriately.

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#41 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 10:10 PM
 
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Wow, this is a tough one.  One of those stories that makes me grateful for the acne that protected me as a teen, and grateful that my 16-yo DD isn't really interested in boys yet.  (Mind you, she did come home from a party last week with what appeared to be a hickey near her collarbone... despite my friendly teasing comments, I got no details!)

 

I'm getting a feeling like this situation is partly to do with popularity.  For whatever reason, this young cad is the "hot man on campus" and every girl wants to be with him to increase her own status.  And he wants to be seen with all these girls because - as mainstream media seems to be programming - this increases his status.  Maybe you need to figure out a way that dating him *reduces* her status.  Or maybe it would be better to find a way that him dating her reduces *his* status - since he's the one in control here.  Being socially awkward, I'm not too sure how one might engineer either of those situations, but maybe someone else might know?

 

Does your daughter have any good reliable friends?  If so, it might be worth talking to them to get their take on the situation.  Or talking to your DD about what makes this person a friend... a boyfriend should be, first and foremost, a friend.  And if her good friends are concerned about this too, then it may help to work together to do some kind of intervention - she may be more likely to listen if her friends are also telling her what you are.

 

Also, I would strongly suspect that at least some level of sexual activity has been started.  Not necessarily "all the way", but at least partway there.  The most insidious feature of inappropriate sexual contact is that - physically, in the moment - it feels good, right?  Definitely worth doing some sex ed here.  Likely she may not yet have come across real useful info about safe sex, sexually transmitted infections, etc. yet.  Scarleteen carries lots of info, but bear in mind that it's not anti-sex/pro-abstinence - it's not going to discourage her.  But it's real info, presented specifically for teens, and it may get through to her.  That particular page is the STI section, but there's lots more.  Your message could be... "I don't know if this is part of what's going on, and I don't approve if it is.  But if you think you can handle it, then you need to read *all* of this."

 

It could also be helpful to talk to the boy's parents.  It may not help (they may not care, or they may even approve of his "prowess"), but it's worth a try.

 

And maybe a counsellor of some sort would be helpful?  NOT a school counsellor - a psychologist of some sort.  Maybe for you.  Definitely for her. I agree that self-esteem is likely a part of this.

 

Good luck!


Lori : mum to Emily (nov94) and Calvin (jul 03), : and : married to : Wes
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