Respect for themselves when boyfriends have no morals - Mothering Forums
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Preteens and Teens > Respect for themselves when boyfriends have no morals
time4dogs's Avatar time4dogs 07:51 PM 10-15-2010
My 13 old daughter came home last year and told me she had a boyfriend. I smiled, offered some advice without sounding controlling and tried to be supportive (inside I was screaming "you are way too young for this"). We are usually able to openly talk about most things so I was happy that she was sharing. He was very affectionate toward her in school, kissing her before she got on the bus and they were texting constantly. I was trying to go with the flow and just checking in through conversation that she was using good judgement. We have talked about sex, peer pressure etc and I have shared my experiences with her both positive and negative. So after a few weeks he dumps her to make his rounds with 6-8 other girls. Before school is out for summer he comes pleading back to my daughter that she is the only one for him. She gives him that chance and then I find out he pressures her into sending a phone picture of herself in her underwear which after reading the texts I could see she was very reluctant in doing. I block his number on her phone and then she finds out he is two timing her with 2 to 3 other girls texting them how much he loves them. So this school year starts and my daughter and I laugh about the reputation this kid is getting going from girl to girl and how my daughter wants NOTHING to do with him. So yesterday she comes home and says he has been so nice to her and she is now in a relationship with him again (slap me). I told her I am trying to raise her with self respect and I just don't understand why she has made this decision. Now she won't even let me talk to her about it....just says "stop it." I said she can see him in school because I can't control that, but I won't allow any communication outside of school. If he wants to talk to her he can call the house phone (how scary). Now she is mad at me and her tone is disrespectful and I am getting angry. What is the best way to handle this?

LilacRhodes's Avatar LilacRhodes 09:20 PM 10-15-2010
I'd stay out of it, and just be there for her. That worked well with my daughter.
NiteNicole's Avatar NiteNicole 11:47 AM 10-16-2010
Thirteen is too young to be in such a grown up situation on her own. You are very right not to "just stay out of it." That would feel very wrong to me.

I don't have a 13 year old yet (I do have a 13 year old sibling), this just caught my attention from the main page but wow. Thirteen is way too young to deal with that much pressure alone. He's pressuring her to send naked/nearly naked pictures of herself? That is just not cool. If I came here as an adult and posted, "I'm seeing this guy and he is pressuring me to send him naked photos of myself" all the advice would be along the lines of you need to dump him, anyone who would pressure you to do things you don't feel comfortable with is not respecting you, etc. Doesn't a 13 year old deserve respect and good advice?

I don't think I'd try to punish her, but I'd try to set her up in a situation where she couldn't do that again. You can't put a child in an adult situation and expect her to make grown up decisions. I know that's not a popular thought on this forum, but from what I see around me and from what I remember about being a 13 year old, it's true.

My first "boyfriend" was when I was around 14. He was older and just a lot more worldly so my parents told me if I wanted to see him, he could come to our house (there was no going in my room and shutting the door, but everyone kind of vacated the family room and looked busy) and he obviously called me on the house phone because it was like 1987
LilacRhodes's Avatar LilacRhodes 08:31 PM 10-16-2010
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Attached2Elijah's Avatar Attached2Elijah 12:25 PM 10-17-2010
Having a very close relationship with my 15 year old DSD, I've been through a lot when it comes to boys (and girls)... Keep doing what you are doing but know that she is still young and not quite sure of herself yet. That's normal. Just keep his number blocked and let her know that you don't agree with her choice in boyfriends. However, she is probably going to stay with him a little longer. Then the newness and excitement is going to wear off. 13 year olds generally don't stay with one boyfriend for very long. Eventually, she will move on and realize it's not worth it. It just takes them longer to realize that at that age.

As for the picture, have a talk about self-respect and let her know you are disappointed. Then let it go. A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon to a girl.

We just recently went through this with my step-daughter. She was dating a boy that was everything we DON'T want for her. He admittedly did drugs, had pictures of himself holding weapons on his facebook and had very dirty "quotes" on his page... it made me sick that my upstanding, responsible, beautiful DSD was with this potentially dangerous young man. Her mother threw a FIT over it and forbade him from calling her, talking to her and tried to make DH do the same. We didn't. We let her know that we didn't agree with her choice, we were disappointed and wished she loved herself enough to chose better. It went on for another 2 weeks and then she realized that he was exactly what we said he was. She broke up with him... and now she is with a new boyfriend. One that I absolutely ADORE. He comes over to our house for dinner, he comes to my children's birthday parties. They have SO much in common, they are ADORABLE together and he's the most respectful young man. He's everything I could have dreamed of for my DSD. Heck, I'll admit it... if anything happens between them, *I'll* be upset. I love him to death!

So just remember, relationships at that age are fleeting. Right now, some of the excitement probably comes from the fact that you don't want her with him. Kids have to make their own mistakes... and learn from them and she will. We all had our stupid boyfriends at that age... it's part of growing up.
Kristin0105's Avatar Kristin0105 12:44 PM 10-17-2010
I'd keep talking to her and I would insist that any time spent together be in your presence. Have you spoken with his parents. If not I would definitely make contact with them so you are all on the same page.



13 is way to young to be dealing with such adult decisions. IF he is pressuring her to take pictures is he also pressuring her into sexual activity.

The issue of the pictures is a serious one he could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Your daughter also needs to understand that any picture sent to him may and probably will be shared with all his friends.
Minxie's Avatar Minxie 12:58 PM 10-17-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristin0105 View Post
13 is way to young to be dealing with such adult decisions. IF he is pressuring her to take pictures is he also pressuring her into sexual activity.

The issue of the pictures is a serious one he could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Your daughter also needs to understand that any picture sent to him may and probably will be shared with all his friends.

I saw this on the main page; I don't have a thirteen-year-old but wanted to mention that the issue of the pictures is a serious one. she could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life. There was a case a few months ago wherein the girls sending pics of themselves were charged with child pornography.
Attached2Elijah's Avatar Attached2Elijah 03:01 PM 10-17-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxie View Post
I saw this on the main page; I don't have a thirteen-year-old but wanted to mention that the issue of the pictures is a serious one. she could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life. There was a case a few months ago wherein the girls sending pics of themselves were charged with child pornography.
Those were also completely naked pictures... this is in her underwear. Definitely a no-no but let's not scare the poor woman into thinking her 13 year old daughter might be labeled a sex offender just yet. Definitely something you want to talk to her about so that it doesn't EVER get to that point but it's not going to get her arrested. Also, PP makes a good point that her picture may get passed around to all of his friends... not something a 13 year old wants happening, I'm sure.
Storm Bride's Avatar Storm Bride 05:30 PM 10-17-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah View Post
As for the picture, have a talk about self-respect and let her know you are disappointed. Then let it go. A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon to a girl.
Tread carefully with that one. My mom expressed disappointment in me a few times when I was a teen (understandably, in retrospect - I made some really dumb decisions/choices). I know she was just trying to get through to me, but what she actually did was make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It was only a small part of our relationship, but it sunk in way, way deeper than she ever meant it to. This came up in a conversation with my sister recently, and mom said she'd do it differently if she could, because she never meant to make us feel that way.

A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon - but is a weapon really the first tool one wants to reach for when trying to help a young teen navigate the world around them?
Attached2Elijah's Avatar Attached2Elijah 09:26 PM 10-17-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Tread carefully with that one. My mom expressed disappointment in me a few times when I was a teen (understandably, in retrospect - I made some really dumb decisions/choices). I know she was just trying to get through to me, but what she actually did was make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It was only a small part of our relationship, but it sunk in way, way deeper than she ever meant it to. This came up in a conversation with my sister recently, and mom said she'd do it differently if she could, because she never meant to make us feel that way.

A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon - but is a weapon really the first tool one wants to reach for when trying to help a young teen navigate the world around them?
I definitely agree with you... I guess I should have said let her know you are disappointed with her actions, not her as a whole.
Arduinna's Avatar Arduinna 02:02 AM 10-18-2010
Stay out of it? When the guy was pressuring the OPs daughter to send him pics of her in her underwear at 13. Um no way, I'm not staying out of that. I'd be severly limiting her contact with him too.
mtiger's Avatar mtiger 03:55 PM 10-18-2010
Without the whole "send me racy pics" deal, I'd say back off. But with that aspect? I'd be on the phone with boy's parents in a heartbeat and make it plain that he can knock it off or expect a call from the cops.

BTDT when my boy sent an inappropriate photo to a girl he liked (at HER request). When the father called me and said he didn't want my son contacting his daughter again or he'd be contacting the cops? I can tell ya I put the fear of God in him. And he did cut off contact - SHE is the one who kept contacting him. I made sure that he kept copies of all of her texts and emails, plus his one-time response via each media (cc'd to me) asking her to stop contacting him.

Kids do stupid things.
sleepingbeauty's Avatar sleepingbeauty 04:47 PM 10-18-2010
I don't have kids but I can tell you about this from the other side of things. (It wasn't really THAT long ago!)

I was about that age when I first started dating. I was with the same guy for 1 year, 1 week, 3 days. (I have *NO* idea why I can remember that either!) Our dates were supervised and we weren't allowed to do anything too crazy. We kept it in our pants until 11 months. He was my first. (We were 14....don't judge, please!) We did send sexy texts and we did get physical at that age. (That was before pic/vid messages though... there probably would have been some of that too.)

It's funny, my fiancé and I were talking about this last night and while I thought I had it all in control then, I don't think I was ready to do the things I did when I was only barely a teen. My own kids won't have it so easy, I can promise you all that.

This boy sounds like bad news, IMO.
Adaline'sMama's Avatar Adaline'sMama 05:24 PM 10-18-2010
Woah, is there seriously a chance that a 13 yo could be labeled "sex offender" for the rest of her/his life? Children have committed much worse crimes before 18 and its limited to their juvie record.


As for your daughter, Id tell her he could be her "boyfriend" if she wants, but her has to call on the house line and she cant go anywhere w/ him w/o supervision.
Attached2Elijah's Avatar Attached2Elijah 06:39 PM 10-18-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post
Woah, is there seriously a chance that a 13 yo could be labeled "sex offender" for the rest of her/his life? Children have committed much worse crimes before 18 and its limited to their juvie record.

If it's nude pictures, then yes there is a very good chance... as for the OP's child sending pictures in just her underwear, no there's not. It's definitely toeing the line but it's not quite the same as nude pics. I don't really understand how sending another underage child pictures would warrant that kind of action but it has and does happen.
mattemma04 08:43 AM 10-19-2010
I recall a beautiful young lady here in Ohio who killed herself after txting her bf a nude picture.He sent it out to friends,and it was all over the school.Share that story.

As for the boyfriend I would express concern over his hopping around from girl to girl.He may pick up a disease or 2 that he will give your daughter,so a lesson in diseases/symptoms is in order.It is not being a nagging mom-it is the thing to do when you expose yourself.

Other than those 2 things and the no-contact rule out of school that is all I can think of.Best wishes!
mar123's Avatar mar123 05:34 PM 10-19-2010
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.
ErinYay's Avatar ErinYay 05:47 PM 10-19-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by mar123 View Post
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.
TOTALLY O/T, but seriously?! And people wonder why rape and sexual assault victims are rarely believed...

I mean, I get where they're going with this, but teaching boys not to do naughty things because girls are liars seems so very wrong to me.
mar123's Avatar mar123 06:00 PM 10-19-2010
The tone presented was really more, "don't ask her to do it because she will not protect you over herself." The boys I see around here often think they can talk girls into anything; some of them can, honestly. The things I see make me terrified for my own kids.

One thing that did bother me with the presentation was the tone that it is only boys asking for these pics. Girls today can be VERY aggresive. I know many moms (myself included) who have simply disabled the MMS feature on their kids phones. It solves that entire problem.
journeymom's Avatar journeymom 05:43 PM 10-20-2010
From two years ago, girl charged with sex offense.

I don't think being scared is helpful, but parents simply need to take the issues seriously and know that it can happen. Don't dismiss it.
pbjmama's Avatar pbjmama 01:31 AM 10-22-2010
Does your school have a liason police officer? Talk to the officer and have the officer talk to the kids.
The Duchess's Avatar The Duchess 03:06 AM 10-23-2010
pbj mama I'm thinking along the same lines. This is all happening at school and it sounds like numerous girls are involved, I would make sure the counselor, Principal etc. are aware of this so they can educate the school population and also hopefully breathe down the neck of this boy.

I remember how wise and sophisticated I was at 13 and yet in reality sooo naive. Girls of this age can convince each other something is the "norm" because peer groups reign for young teens. Burst the bubble and give them all a reality check before someone does something stupid or something they regret. Get the school to talk to ALL the kids and if necessary roll out a police officer so they know the law is not on the side of horny cyber manipulators.
Arduinna's Avatar Arduinna 11:10 PM 10-24-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by mar123 View Post
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.

What? I would so be at the school board, if I had a child in that school. In fact, I'd be calling the chief of police about their program.
time4dogs's Avatar time4dogs 04:18 AM 10-26-2010
Thank you for all the replies, it has offered support and really made me think how I want to handle this...but now I am faced with another situation. I had told her I did not approve of the so called "relationship" with this boy and she was only to have contact during school. I do not want to be the kind of mother who reads text messages or invades privacy. My mother did this to me in such a vindictive way my entire life and I ended up hating her for it and still harbor resentment. So I have given my daughter a lot of liberties within the guidelines of safety and some restrictions. She has her cell phone at all times but no calls or texting after 10 on schoolnights. She has a facebook, but was very reluctant to let me have the password. I always tell her that privileges come with using good judgement and being responsible. Well I became suspicious since she has been suggesting that I should go to the store or take her brother and a friend swimming. I got on her facebook and saw a lot messages between her and this boy. She had been using her ipod touch to chat with him and the messages were anywhere from 11 at night to 4:30 in the morning. She has also been calling him from our house phone at 11 or later while I was asleep. I also read that she met him at a park while at a friends house. Their conversations are about who loves each other more and he says prove it......long kisses at school...and about what will happen the next time they get together that sounds like more than just kissing. Tonight I stayed up and heard her talking on the phone to him....I opened her door and told her to give me the phone and to handover laptop, cell phone, etc.. She was hysterical and yelling that her sneaking around was my fault since I would not let her see him. I told her that sounds like you feel entitled to break the rules when you don't agree with them. I decided not to get into a shouting match and plan to talk more tomorrow or the next few days since tomorrow she will ignore me and slam doors to express her anger. I can let her earn the cellphone and laptop back in time, but I will not meet her half way with this boy and I feel it will be the end all of our positive relationship. Also I don't want to tell her that I read her facebook and face those consequences....sounds like I am terrified of her hating me. She just turned 13 and though I feel she has always been wise beyond her years, but the hormones and this independent disrespectful attiude are leading her down a path she is too young for...not to mention how much I hate this boy. Open to more advice..thanks
babygirlie's Avatar babygirlie 06:58 AM 10-26-2010
Child pornography.

Perhaps you should let her know where she will end up if she is caught distributing child pornography even if she is the model.

She doesn't need a bf at 13. my opinion.

Plus promise you those nudish photos of her have been seen by more than just him and possibly already on the internet which is permanent.
babygirlie's Avatar babygirlie 07:04 AM 10-26-2010
Sorry, I just now read the last post. Good for you. Those toys are earned out of respect. It is not her right to have them and I'm glad you took them all away. You definatly need to reign her in.

To lie to you.. boy.. I feel for you. If she can't be truthful about where she is then she needs to stay home. She would not be getting any toys from me for quite awhile and her facebook would be gone. I already don't believe in children having such things. Facebook/myspace I believe are all about hooking up. Sorry but it's what *I* believe. It's just another place to be bullied and talked into doing things that you wouldn't otherwise say in person.
GoBecGo's Avatar GoBecGo 07:31 AM 10-26-2010
If i had his number i would call it, introduce myself, tell him i knew he was asking her to send these pictures, i knew he was cheating on her, i knew he was treating her like crap and i was sure his parents would be interested to hear all about it too. I would put the fear of MamaBear into him! I would email the links re: the child pornography charges to her, i would tell her she's only as good as she lets people treat her, i won't trust her if she's not trustworthy, i won't respect her if she doesn't respect herself, and the next time he does something horrible to her i would tell her the truth "why would he not do this, when you have showed him over and over it is ok to do so?"

Some lessons you just have to learn. She might learn it now or later, but she needs to learn. On the whole i would rather my DD's learn about it at 13 when they are still living at home and less likely to be having sex/getting deeply embroiled than when they are 20 and may be married to, having kids with or being beaten by the jerk they are letting wipe his feet on them.
Arduinna's Avatar Arduinna 12:44 PM 10-26-2010
Well I wouldn't let my 13 year old have a facebook account in the first place. And the way she is acting, I would remove the ability to text from her cell phone completely, if I even gave her access to the phone. She hasn't earned the trust to have it. I'd take away the ipod touch too.

I had once incident where dd had made a yahoo email address at about 13 to email someone she met online. She didn't consult me, which she knew was expected. I put an end to that. And we had a detailed discussion on internet safety. But she never gave me the kind of rebellion you are getting so I'm not sure what to say she could do to earn your trust back and her things.
justKate's Avatar justKate 04:36 PM 11-03-2010
*sigh*

OP,

I'm sorry. She sounds like me at 13/14/15. It is awful. I haven't been on the parent side of this yet, but I know it's coming in 12 years or so. I think that you did the right thing. She's showing poor judgment by breaking the rules. How can you trust her judgment on boys if you can't trust her to stay off the phone? I think that she (not you) has broken the trust, and she needs to work to get it back. So no internet, no phone, no toys. And I think she should figure out how she's going to earn that trust back.

I would also call his parent(s) and let him know that if I find out that he has been contacting her I'm going to call the police. If she says this is embarassing, OH WELL, she had the opportunity to handle it herself and didn't. Old enough to break the rules, old enough to bear the consequences. I tell myself all the time (with my 2 year old!), "if she's happy with me all of the time, I'm doing something wrong..." Good luck.
Teenytoona's Avatar Teenytoona 06:32 PM 11-03-2010
Have you talked to her, when she's calmer, about having respect for herself? Something like - she's worth too much to you and should be worth too much to herself, to be with a boy who would place her so low in his own respect that he cheats on her? You love her so much it hurts to see her demean herself by accepting a boy who's willing to treat her so badly.To tell her to demand he show respect for her by treating her right, respecting her own boundaries and all that?

I know that this is kind of a wierd thing, but sometimes songs get through to kids, and while I don't know much of what is on the radio these days, one of the things that got through to my oldest DSD was Prince's song "P**** Control." (read the lyrics, before getting hung up on the title). Oh, something else, my second oldest DSD was in this peer educator group that put on shows where they did skits that dealt with issues like puberty, body image, relationships, sex, sexual orientation, domestic violence and such, could you investigate and see if there such a local group for you? Maybe she could get involved or at least get acquainted with such a group. That might work wonders for any blinders she might have on due to that heady rush of smittenness.
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