ODS makes it harder to parent YDCs - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-26-2010, 08:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I know the title sounds a bit harsh and please don't flame me for anything I may say- I'm feeling really frustrated and hormonal and we have had some pretty bad days w/DS(16) lately.

My Oldest DS is one of those kids you hear from others is such a helpful, nice, caring kid. And for the most part (when it doesn't involve his own family and is about the world as a whole) he is. He hates social injustice, helps the underdog and generally is respectful. I also need to add in here ODD is DX w/ADHD and ODD- but both of which we've seen great improvements in him.

But at home he's completely different. And seems to have no respect for anyone in the home (w/one exception- my DH, for the most part and even there he tries to push him as far as he can go). He regularly undermines my parenting (and not just of him but of the ODC) by telling me I'm not parenting them right (suggesting I spank the others or getting angry if I don't take care of an issue how he thinks I should) and yelling at me (w/names and such) in front of them. He puts down his sibs (I know this can be typical but its so constant that the youngest 3 are starting to believe his abusive put downs) and has even tried to spank my DS5 himself!

Last night was a huge non-issue turned issued w/him. ODD wanted to watch tv in her room (we only have 2 converter boxes- no cable) and I need to get the one from the boys common space so she could (not a permenant thing, just for a few hours- the other box is in the LR being used by the rest of the fam). He was playing a video game and not using the box but completely threw a fit saying it wasn't fair and she couldn't have it. He said somethings to DS5 about me and DD that later DS5 told me about (he was angry at me too because of what ODS said but I was able to do some damage control). I had explained to ODS he could have it back later but it wasn't good enough. It was like he just couldn't see past the moment and another's need or the fact that in this house sometimes things have to be shared.

Now this behavior I know is typical of say 4-5 yr olds but 16!

DH and I can't seem to figure out what to do. We've tried talking with him and showing him how his actions affect parenting others, we've tried consequences, we've tried just telling him to back off. NOTHING works (or has to this point). REally in the home he is the most self-centered and disrespect kid. And he truly does make it harder to parent the others- they see him "get a way" w/these behaviors and try to mimic him, or just ignore us completely. I don't want to raise my YDCs as I have him, since we obviously haven't done that great of a job with him! And to be honest, I love my son but just wish he was 18 already!

I'm kind of venting here but would love to hear others exp (if any one has had similar situations), suggestions or just some support. TY
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:14 PM
 
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It sounds kind of  like he wants to have more control over things in the family, or to take on a more adult role, become more independent. Are there any responsibilities he could take on in which he would enjoy the decision making process? 

Perhaps you could appeal to his role as the role model for the others, as well as to the fact that you need his help with the others.

Being the oldest is tough- they are the trailblazers, aren't they?  It's hard to give you any other tips without knowing him personally.

Hope this is a temporary dynamic for your family.

 

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Old 11-12-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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I found your abbreviations a bit confusing.  You might try just using the normal abbreviations with their ages.  

 

As far as his behavior...  Not everything has to be negotiated or discussed.  Sometimes it's best to not discuss and just maintain that you are the parent and you will make the parenting decisions for the other children in the house.  You can tell him that if he can't function in a kind, appropriate manner then he needs to remove himself until he is able.  

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Old 11-12-2010, 09:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hammycakes View Post

It sounds kind of  like he wants to have more control over things in the family, or to take on a more adult role, become more independent. Are there any responsibilities he could take on in which he would enjoy the decision making process? 

Perhaps you could appeal to his role as the role model for the others, as well as to the fact that you need his help with the others.

Being the oldest is tough- they are the trailblazers, aren't they?  It's hard to give you any other tips without knowing him personally.

Hope this is a temporary dynamic for your family.

 


I have to agree with that. 


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