Advice for mothers of gay children - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 35 Old 01-10-2011, 09:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post

My thoughts:

 

1) i don't believe one "turns" gay, at any age.  I believe sexuality is a preset but many-layered thing and people usually discover who they are sexually, as mentally and emotionally, as they grow up and live their lives.  I don't believe sexuality can be "made" or "cured" externally.  It's in there already.

 

2) i remember having crushes as described on girls at that age and i am not gay, i was just growing up and those feelings can come, unbidden, as your body's systems come on under hormonal influences.  So if my kid said that to me at that age i would tell them about that, about how i had those feelings and turned out to be mainly straight, and that they shouldn't worry about it either way because gay or straight, they are a really wonderful person, and i would probably ask them if they wanted or needed me to do anything for them as they processed this.

 

I agree with #1.

 

For #2, be really really really careful how you word that.  I am bisexual and when I told my mom when I was a teenager, she told me a similar story to yours, and basically implied that she thought it was just a phase and I would grow up to be straight like her (she did not use those exact words, but that is how it came off).  I did not feel like she was taking me seriously at all, I was hurt, and later on I hid the fact that I had a girlfriend.  So please take your children's statements about these things seriously.  I think usually if a teen "comes out" to you they have put a TON of soul searching into it, and it is unlikely to be something fleeting.  


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#32 of 35 Old 01-10-2011, 10:02 AM
 
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This is such an interesting thread. I think it's important to be open to what your child tells you at any age. As a PP said, sexual identity is multilayered and people, especially young people, find different layers and identities at different times on the way to finding their true selves. Try not to get too hung up on labelling (It can be hard not to, but try!), and accept however your child identifies at a given time. They may identify differently later, or it may stay the same. Either way is normal.

 

It can also take people a while to come out to themselves. For me personally, from an extremely young age, maybe 3 or 4?, I preferred females. Later this turned into an aesthetic preference and eventually sexual attraction. But growing up in middle America in the 80s and 90s, I didn't have a name for what I was feeling. I had never heard of gay or lesbian. It was very obvious to me what I was feeling "I like girls. Girls are so pretty. I like to look at pretty girls." While I never had an epiphany that this was "abnormal" (in my culture at the time), obviously I twigged to something because I kept my mouth shut about it and never breathed a word to anyone. When I was older and found out what a lesbian was there was kind of an "Uh-oh" moment and a lot of denial. A lot. Eventually I could not deny it anymore and had to admit to myself that however difficult that path was, I could not be me if I didn't go down it.

 

If you suspect your child may be GLBTQ, realize that they may need to come out to themselves first. Even if they have a loving and tolerant environment, it can be incredibly difficult to deal with the realization. You may feel like they are shutting you out or keeping something from you, like you have failed and they don't trust you, but in actual fact they could be just starting to come to terms with it themselves. After they have accepted themselves they may feel like coming out to others. Keep the lines of communication open, let them know that you are there if they need you, and let them make their journey.


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#33 of 35 Old 01-11-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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This is actually I have been going through recently with my 12 yr old daughter. Apparently its the new trend in her school for girls to be bisexual and now she says that she is bisexual to and has a girlfriend. So I tailored my sex talk and gave her information to read on being bi sexual and explained to her that I loved her regardless of what gender she chooses to like. Some of my friends freaked out when I told them whats going on but I refuse to freak out. If that is what she chooses then I am behind her 100 %. Its like I tell her .. as long as you grow up to be a productive member of society and make something great out of yourself then that is all that matters.

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#34 of 35 Old 01-11-2011, 12:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Scarsmommy View Post

This is actually I have been going through recently with my 12 yr old daughter. Apparently its the new trend in her school for girls to be bisexual and now she says that she is bisexual to and has a girlfriend. So I tailored my sex talk and gave her information to read on being bi sexual and explained to her that I loved her regardless of what gender she chooses to like. Some of my friends freaked out when I told them whats going on but I refuse to freak out. If that is what she chooses then I am behind her 100 %. Its like I tell her .. as long as you grow up to be a productive member of society and make something great out of yourself then that is all that matters.



Just make sure she's not doing the "bisexual for male attention" thing. Those girls always annoyed, angered and confused me. hopmad.gif

 

It is disrespectful to those who are GLBTIQQ to "pretend" to be gay to be "trendy". Make sure she knows this.

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#35 of 35 Old 01-13-2011, 03:35 AM
 
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I made it very clear to her that its not cool to say you are bi just because all your other friends are saying it to.. or to impress the boys. Apparently most of the boys in her school think its gross for girls to be bi so I don't think thats her reasoning behind it. I think she is just trying to figure herself out. I also had her have a long talk with my brother.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarsmommy View Post

This is actually I have been going through recently with my 12 yr old daughter. Apparently its the new trend in her school for girls to be bisexual and now she says that she is bisexual to and has a girlfriend. So I tailored my sex talk and gave her information to read on being bi sexual and explained to her that I loved her regardless of what gender she chooses to like. Some of my friends freaked out when I told them whats going on but I refuse to freak out. If that is what she chooses then I am behind her 100 %. Its like I tell her .. as long as you grow up to be a productive member of society and make something great out of yourself then that is all that matters.



Just make sure she's not doing the "bisexual for male attention" thing. Those girls always annoyed, angered and confused me. hopmad.gif

 

It is disrespectful to those who are GLBTIQQ to "pretend" to be gay to be "trendy". Make sure she knows this.



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