Help a 17yr old high school guy is interested in my 13 year old? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 92 Old 12-24-2010, 01:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's the backstory. My daughter is 13 and she joined a recrerational swin team over the summer, and fell in love with the sport. She met the 17yr old high school guy through swimming. He helps out with their team, which was great. Now, they text message all the time and always chat on her phone. She definitely has a crush on him. I was hoping that he thought of her as a lil sister, but I got hold of her cellphone, and read some of the text messages that he sent her, and they read much like a guy that is courting a girl. I want to put a stop to this now! I confronted my daughter about the text messages, so now she erases all the information on her phone, and takes it everywhere she goes. I'm worried that she's secretly seeing him when we drop her off to see friends. I also confronted the guy and told him that my daughter has a cruch on you, and I hope that your smart enough to know that she's off limit. He claims that they are just friends, but I don't believe him or her.

 

 

I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

 

What is a mom to do?

 

Advice please?

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#2 of 92 Old 12-24-2010, 04:07 PM
 
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You confronted her, but did you actually talk to her? Explain your concerns? Explain that 17 year olds tend to have different expectations for a relationship than 13 year olds? 


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#3 of 92 Old 12-24-2010, 04:23 PM
 
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You could cut off the texting feature on her phone. I cannot imagine anything good coming out of 13 year olds having that function.

 

As far as how to specifically talk about it with her, that will depend a lot on your relationship and personalities but I second the fact that she needs to be aware of different expectations. If you suspect she is still communicating with this boy, you should contact his parents and start keeping a closer eye on her. You can get a phone with GPS to know where she is, you could make a point of confirming with other kids' parents if she says she is going to visit them.

 

A big thing to look out for is what she is doing on her school lunch break. At one school I went at, kids were getting pregnant and doing drugs during lunch and their parents could never believe it since most of them had very strict supervision the rest of the time.


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#4 of 92 Old 12-24-2010, 05:27 PM
 
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I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

I question this logic. A generation ago many of us were in extracurricular activities and none of us had cell phones and we were fine. If she didn't have a cell phone at an activity now she'd be surrounded by people who have them so what will happen if she doesn't have one? Further, if you want her to have a cell phone for emergencies that doesn't require a cell phone that has many minutes, the ability to text, etc. Also, having the phone only at activities but requiring her to turn it over to you at home is also an option.

 

I'm not saying the answer is to get rid of her phone, however I see many potential ways to limit the phone if that's what you want to do.

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#5 of 92 Old 12-24-2010, 06:56 PM
 
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Have you spoken to the adults in charge of the team?  That's kind of the first thing I would do.  They need to be VERY clear with the teens "on staff" that certain kinds of relationships are not appropriate.  If a teen employee is crossing lines with a kid on the team, they need to know.  Call them.

 

From there - your situation is pretty awful right now.  You freaked out at your daughter, who has gone secretive.  Both of those are understandable reactions.  Is there another adult you can call in?  An aunt or a grandmother or a godmother?  Someone your daughter has a close relationship with, who can say something like, I know you think your mom was overreacting, but she's worried about you.  And then maybe that person could launch into the speech about how seventeen year-olds and thirteen year-olds have different expectations of relationships, and are at different stages of their lives, and no one who loves her wants her to be hurt, or to be rushed into adult things before she's ready. 

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#6 of 92 Old 12-24-2010, 07:19 PM
 
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I would bring in a third party that she trusts (and who is on your side). She doesn't trust you right now so anything you say will go right past her...and possibly just make her MORE mad at you. Been there (the daughter!) and done that. I really wish that someone had sat me down and talked to me honestly (and treated me like the adult I THOUGHT I was for that conversation). I probably wouldn't have made as many mistakes.

 

Oh, and if you're having a problem with her cellphone they have some that you can buy that only make/receive calls with certain numbers. Like, you can program it so that she can only call you...Of course, if she REALLY wants to talk to this guy and has friends with cellphones there isn't anything to stop her from using theirs...(just thinking like I did back then)


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#7 of 92 Old 12-24-2010, 10:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post

Have you spoken to the adults in charge of the team?  That's kind of the first thing I would do.  They need to be VERY clear with the teens "on staff" that certain kinds of relationships are not appropriate.  If a teen employee is crossing lines with a kid on the team, they need to know.  Call them.

 

 


yep. call the head coach and tell him the whole story. The 17 teen year old needs a serious lecture, and his mommy needs to be called. You aren't the person to give the lecture or call his mommy, but the head coach is.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#8 of 92 Old 12-25-2010, 11:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mom2teengrls View Post

I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

 

What is a mom to do?

 

Advice please?


Actually, you CAN take away her cell. During the activities, I'm betting it can't be on/in use anyway. So the only time she may need it is to check rides. Don't give her cause to need to do so. Arrange the rides, and you're good.

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#9 of 92 Old 12-25-2010, 11:38 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2teengrls View Post

I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

 

What is a mom to do?

 

Advice please?


Actually, you CAN take away her cell. During the activities, I'm betting it can't be on/in use anyway. So the only time she may need it is to check rides. Don't give her cause to need to do so. Arrange the rides, and you're good.


I agree with this.  A 13 year old... no matter HOW active, doesn't need a cell phone.  They can use someone else's.  Take the phone away.  A 13 year old doesn't need a cell phone with texting capabilities.  Heck, I'm in my 40's and *I* don't need texting capabilities.

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#10 of 92 Old 12-25-2010, 01:02 PM
 
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I agree about taking away the cell phone. Both my 12 and 14 year old have cell phones with texting, but I would take them in a heart beat if I had ANY questions about what they were doing with it.

 

She should ALWAYS be where their is an adult in charge, and adults always have phones. She doesn't need her own. She just needs to know your number.

 

You also need to be concerned about her sending/receiving photos. 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#11 of 92 Old 12-25-2010, 01:29 PM
 
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The cel phone isn't the problem here it is the relationship between these 2 people.  Taking the cel phone away probably isn't going to stop it.

 

The coaches need to be told.  When you're dropping her off with friends double check who she is meeting & if you find out she is meeting him than the drop off with friends stops.

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#12 of 92 Old 12-25-2010, 01:57 PM
 
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I have a dd turning 15 in a few weeks. 

 

I do agree about not taking away the cell phone.  I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside.  So many schools don't have pay phones anymore and you can't always count on the teacher/coach to stay or be available to borrow their phone. 

 

However, what you can do is remove texting and/or all data from the phone.  Our phones still text, but we have to pay for it and DD pays for her own texts.  But the internet and all other data messaging like pictures and such is totally blocked, none of our phones will do any of that.  I totally recommend doing something like that with her phone.  . 

 

Now that you have confronted her and talked to him directly, you probably have some damage control to do.  I probably would have totally flipped out also, but from the outside looking in it's easier to tell you that that is the fastest way to drive a teen away. 

 

 

Quote:
 An aunt or a grandmother or a godmother?  Someone your daughter has a close relationship with, who can say something like, I know you think your mom was overreacting, but she's worried about you.  And then maybe that person could launch into the speech about how seventeen year-olds and thirteen year-olds have different expectations of relationships, and are at different stages of their lives, and no one who loves her wants her to be hurt, or to be rushed into adult things before she's ready. 

 This is a great idea.  My sister is only 10 years older than my teen so she's often my go to.  Often, a teen will tell something to someone not mom that they would NEVER tell mom.  So in general, enlisting another trusted adult to foster that close relationship is good.

 

As far as keeping them seperated, I agree with calling the head coach.  He needs to be aware of the situation and I am sure he can take care of it. 

 

 

You could also always just change your dd's cell phone number too...

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#13 of 92 Old 12-25-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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You can stop the text messages on the phone and still give her access to the phone when she needs to contact you. People need to remember growing up we had pay phones, which are far and few between now days. You should put controls on that phone and make sure you monitor calls. I can get a print out of all calls if I want. See if your provider offers this service.

 

At 13 your dd thinks she is grown and most likely not as innocent as you want to believe on those mature text messages. You need to have very blunt conversations with her.

 

I do believe it is your responsibility to talk to the boy's parents. The swim team responsiblity it to make sure to get alone.  

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28679588/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets/ -- both of these kids need to know this is reality. Sextexting/mature conversations can get them both in trouble.

 

Also, freaking out might not be your best option. This can cause the kids to get sneakier....sometimes you need to keep your "enemies" closer. I would not like the age gap but at the same time fighting and forbidding might be counter productive. Lots and LOTS of close adult supervision. Hopefully they will loose interest or find other interest.  You set up the rules and stick to them.  

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#14 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 09:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside. 



This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.

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#15 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 09:46 AM
 
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It depends on how cold.  I live in MO but there has been days in single digits.  There were cold weather advisories.  My issue is why does the kid have a phone but no access to her house?  Why does't she have a key and a door she can open?  
 

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This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.



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#16 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 09:59 AM
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Just keep in mind that you can win the battle but lose the war.  The more you dislike this guy, the more she will like him.  Let them get together at your house (only) with your supervision.  Treat him as if he is just a friend. (And I would make sure she knew she could ask you about birth control, if she were my daughter.)  And stop reading her texts.  Before you know it, she will be an adult and out of your house, and what kind of relationship do you want to have with her then?  That's the kind of relationship you need to cultivate now.

 

 

(PS.  Yes, I have a 13 year old dd).

 


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#17 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 11:19 AM
 
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Quote:

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I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside. 



This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.


Bigger question, why doesn't a 13 year old have access to their own house key?


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#18 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 11:24 AM
 
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Quote:

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I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside. 



This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.


Bigger question, why doesn't a 13 year old have access to their own house key?


I assumed she was stuck at school waiting to be picked up because she mentioned teachers and coaches not sticking around.  If not, then I agree, that is the bigger question.  Moreover, if stuck outside their home, unless it's extremely rural, then why was there no place else to go to.  (And if rural, then would there be cell coverage anyway???)

 

No teacher or coach would leave a kid of 13 or 14 in dangerous temperatures without making sure that there was someone coming quickly.  They wouldn't just abandon a kid without any form of communication.  If they did, they're setting themselves up for some trouble.  Teachers and coaches don't just leave kids in dangerous situations (cold or otherwise) because we have such a litigious society and they are aware of it.  So, to me, "being left 30 minutes waiting" isn't a *reason*, it's an *excuse*, IMO.

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#19 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 11:42 AM
 
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1.  I don't see why analyzing whether she has a phone is helping, if you feel like she needs the phone, make (and sign?) and agreement w/her for what it can be used for.  Otherwise, she *could* lose the privilege, or some of it - like data pkg?  Or you can downgrade her unit to a pager?  In any case, an agreement would allow you to set some boundaries mutually - she gets to set some, you get to set some.

 

2.  I would absolutely bring his people in on this - family, school, coach.  He's underage, so depending upon where you are, it's possible he'd be immune from any charges regarding your dd if they were to pursue a sexual relationship.   

 

3.  If you think she is engaging in a sexual relationship - or on the verge of doing so - make her an appointment for a pelvic exam.  That is often enough to scare the pants out of a 13yo.  A good doctor (PA?) can also talk w/her about the risks involved, both emotionally and physically.  And if it doesn't change her mind, maybe she is ready? 

 

4.  Is it possible that she's telling the truth?  I would get the skeevies if my dd (12.5) were in any way involved w/a 17yo kid, for sure, but I would like to think (haha) that I'd try to listen to her and give her the benefit of the doubt.  If you can, enlist the aid of the parents of her friends, just a phone call to let them know your concerns.  It might help you feel like more eyes than your own were looking out for her.  On the off chance that they are experimenting with drugs or drinking, sex, or other dangerous behavior, she will need the village to look out for her!  And if she is telling the truth, having other people looking out for her won't hurt!

 

Be there for her.  Try not to push her away, and never ever let her know how smart you are.  If you can figure out how to follow up on her in a way that brings you information, don't let her know, just take the info in and let her know that you are concerned: growing up too fast is nearly always regretted, and nearly never part of a happy childhood.  :(


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#20 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 11:46 AM
 
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Hmm, well, my DD is 13 and having 17-year-old friends and older is not unusual at all for her. Granted, she's in high school and theatre. She has many years of experience with multi-aged environments and theatre particularly fosters a communal, sort of family relationship amoungst the ages. The older teen boys DD texts and spends one-on-one time with are openly gay. She's clearly a platonic friend and little sister to the straight older teen boys (and understandable as most have known her since she was like 8 lol.) They rarely text her and only 2 or 3 lines before rehearsals or right after school. I don't read her texts but I can tell by phone bill that these texts are most likely "what time is rehearsal" or "do you know what the physics homework is." They only go out in multi-aged groups to public, age-appropriate events... no one-on-one, no parties at someone's home and all parents are aware of who is involved (and having aquaintanships with the parents is good too.)  We've never been uncomfortable with the older kids. It's more the boys her age who contact her all the time that make us nervous!

 

If you are getting a queasy feeling in your gut about it, it's always smart to listen. I wouldn't let your imagination go too wild though. Stick to what you actually know. If you are worried she's meeting up with him, why not hang around. If she's meeting friends at the mall, take her early for some window shopping and walk her over to see her friends for a quick godd-bye when the time comes. Tell her you want to take a picture of her and her friends before an ice skating trip. You'll get some memories and sort of keep an eye on whose involved without invading her space or depriving her of private time with buddies. I don't think forbidding a friendship is beneficial but perhaps turning him into family is. If she's attracted to his being older and sort of a secret, then your getting to know him and his family will be a HUGE turn-off lol.

 

It never hurts  to have restrictions on the phone. Personally, I LOVE my kids having phones. It makes life easier for us all. However, we do have some limits one of which is that DD has to put all her electronics outside the bedroom door at 10pm (her bedtime.) This isn't so she won't text innapropriately, it's so she gets some actual sleep! It does have the added bonus of curtailing those night time conversations and reminding any older suiters that she's still a young teen with parental bounderies to contend with.


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#21 of 92 Old 12-26-2010, 09:55 PM
 
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If you are getting a queasy feeling in your gut about it, it's always smart to listen. I wouldn't let your imagination go too wild though. Stick to what you actually know. If you are worried she's meeting up with him, why not hang around. If she's meeting friends at the mall, take her early for some window shopping and walk her over to see her friends for a quick godd-bye when the time comes. Tell her you want to take a picture of her and her friends before an ice skating trip. You'll get some memories and sort of keep an eye on whose involved without invading her space or depriving her of private time with buddies. I don't think forbidding a friendship is beneficial but perhaps turning him into family is. If she's attracted to his being older and sort of a secret, then your getting to know him and his family will be a HUGE turn-off lol.

 

 

 

We have a lot of mixed age interaction in our family, too.  I totally agree your best bet is to get to know the kid and the friends.

While it is possible this is an older teen preying on younger, vulnerable girl, and the 'friendship' needs instant, immediate intervention, it's also equally possible this is an immature 17 year old making friends with someone who is only 4 years younger and actually more on par with his "relationship maturity” then girls his age. But the only way to make such a judgment is to get more involved with the kids and get to know them. I have a teen-aged DSD so I am around boys this age and I am still often surprised at how immature 17 year old boys can be - especially if they have had no previous "romantic" relationships. Truly, there is such a wide swath of maturity for teens.

 

 

In the spirit of full disclosure , I too was a young teen dating an older - immature -  guy (14-19).  My mother hated him and did her best to disrupt the relationship - including all the standards, losing her temper, threatening to call the police, grounding, and forbidding me to see him. The only thing it accomplished was to teach me how to be sneaky, make the relationship last longer than it would have normally (3 years), and to never – TO THIS DAY – confide in my mother about my relationships (which I know, sadly, hurts her). I am quite certain if she had only listened to me and gotten to know him, she would have realized I had it more together than anyone gave me credit for and he was in no way taking advantage of me. I still talk to him fairly regularly and am very proud of the choices I made at 14 - picking a guy who still respects me 20 years later – despite my mother’s absolute convection this guy was nothing but a predator and that our relationship was inappropriate.

 

To sum up, my advice would be to tread lightly, respect your daughter's feelings, and make an informed decision on their 'friendship' because you could be saving her, or you could not be. Either way, with this subject you are laying the groundwork for the rest of your adult relationship with her.

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#22 of 92 Old 12-27-2010, 06:00 AM
 
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Sorry I wasn't clear.  Yes, she was stuck outside at school.  Yes, it was cold, but not dangerously so.  She was in 8th grade at the time and on Student Council.  They had chosen some kids off an angel tree and went shopping after school to get the kids Christmas presents.  The shopping trip did not take as long as expected and they arrived at school early.  There were a few other students as well, but they couldn't get into the school.  No, there's nothing inherently WRONG with being stuck waiting outside for half an hour, but it's no fun.  I do not in any way consider it "entitlement" to not want to wait around for half an hour for my ride.  When I, as an adult, am finished early with something and have to wait for my ride to come get me, (such as when I would fly for work and my plane would land early) I would absolutely call them when I landed so they could come get me early.  Entitlement, IMO, is expecting to be allowed to use someone else's phone if I needed to contact someone, since payphones are quickly disappearing.  It used to be that teens were always advised to carry a quarter just in case, not that advice isn't valid...there are very few places left to use that quarter. 

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#23 of 92 Old 12-27-2010, 09:40 AM
 
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I would talk to my dd if she was interested in an older boy.At his age he will have a strong  sexual interest ,and our children need to be aware of the risks associated with physical contact with another.A discussion of diseases, the emotional roller coaster of relationships,and sex. I don't know if I would cut the txting,but I would want to block the ability to send pictures.To many stories of sending nude pics that go viral all over school.My dd is 11 and no phone.If I did get the kids a phone it would be for calling.Not email or txting or anything.

 

I would not want my kids waiting outside anywhere.Without an adult they are a target of opportunity. I would want them to call right away.

 

You can let the coach know,but even if he gets rid of the boy(or watches closely) chances are the 2 will meet elsewhere.

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#24 of 92 Old 12-28-2010, 09:10 AM
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We have a lot of mixed age interaction in our family, too.  I totally agree your best bet is to get to know the kid and the friends.

While it is possible this is an older teen preying on younger, vulnerable girl, and the 'friendship' needs instant, immediate intervention, it's also equally possible this is an immature 17 year old making friends with someone who is only 4 years younger and actually more on par with his "relationship maturity” then girls his age. But the only way to make such a judgment is to get more involved with the kids and get to know them. I have a teen-aged DSD so I am around boys this age and I am still often surprised at how immature 17 year old boys can be - especially if they have had no previous "romantic" relationships. Truly, there is such a wide swath of maturity for teens.

 

 

In the spirit of full disclosure , I too was a young teen dating an older - immature -  guy (14-19).  My mother hated him and did her best to disrupt the relationship - including all the standards, losing her temper, threatening to call the police, grounding, and forbidding me to see him. The only thing it accomplished was to teach me how to be sneaky, make the relationship last longer than it would have normally (3 years), and to never – TO THIS DAY – confide in my mother about my relationships (which I know, sadly, hurts her). I am quite certain if she had only listened to me and gotten to know him, she would have realized I had it more together than anyone gave me credit for and he was in no way taking advantage of me. I still talk to him fairly regularly and am very proud of the choices I made at 14 - picking a guy who still respects me 20 years later – despite my mother’s absolute convection this guy was nothing but a predator and that our relationship was inappropriate.

 

To sum up, my advice would be to tread lightly, respect your daughter's feelings, and make an informed decision on their 'friendship' because you could be saving her, or you could not be. Either way, with this subject you are laying the groundwork for the rest of your adult relationship with her.

 

This is all great advice.

 


 


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#25 of 92 Old 12-28-2010, 09:38 AM
 
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Well, your reactions have taught her to be secretive and not trust you.  At this point, I would tell her that you messed up by looking at her texts, that you want to be able to have an open relationship with her and you want her to be able to come to you to discuss her transition into adulthood.  Then wait for her to do it.  The more you push, the less you'll get,

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#26 of 92 Old 12-28-2010, 11:11 AM
 
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This is really easy to say but I find it rather unfair. This is a 13-year-old girl. The transition from little girl to young adult is FILLED with trial and error. I have a 13-year-old and we're still trying to figure everything out and we're making mistakes on both fronts. Plus what is considered a "mistake" is relative. A mistake is really only one that didn't have a good overall long-term outcome. We don't know whether snooping has really hurt or helped in this situation. Yes, the girl is being sneeky but knowing how mom feels might also plant a seed of doubt about the relationship with this boy and make her think. Who knows what the long term results of this will be.

 

Trust in our home is something that is earned. My DD's always been ultra responsibly and trustworthy and so she's had a lot of freedom. She's been fumbling a bit lately. It's understandable. Starting high school is a major change. She's still trying to strike that balance between all the new social distractions, new freedoms and responsibilities. I caught her in a lie recently. Basically, we have a curfew on texting and computer. She's been breaking it and I knew she was. I mean, you just have to see the phone bill to see that she was texting after 10. I gave her every opportunity to tell the truth. I hinted that I might know something. I even told her she wouldn't get in trouble if she came forward. I gave her a couple weeks but she didn't tell the truth as to what she was doing nor change her ways. So, I busted her and she now has to put all her electronics outside her door at 10. I told her... YOU are teaching me how you want to be treated. If you don't want me to check-up on you, to be suspicious, then you need to show me you are someone who doesn't need to be checked up on. If you lie to me, well, then I can't trust what you say and so YES, I will have to snoop, to keep you closer and/or take away your freedoms. It's in HER power to be trusted or not.... I think it's wrong to blame a parent for not just giving blind trust in a 13-year-old who has been displaying suspicious behavior.

 

You can't really win either way. If she hadn't snooped and next month caught this girl in a physical relationship with this boy, she'd be getting flack for being too hands off and not paying attention. We all do what feels right at the time and the results really depend on the individual parties involved. Some kids do great with full freedom and hands-off parenting. Others flounder and latch on to unhealthy authority figures like older men/women or groups with harsh, dominate leaders.

 

 

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Well, your reactions have taught her to be secretive and not trust you.  At this point, I would tell her that you messed up by looking at her texts, that you want to be able to have an open relationship with her and you want her to be able to come to you to discuss her transition into adulthood.  Then wait for her to do it.  The more you push, the less you'll get,




Married mom of two, DD 17 and DS 13.
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#27 of 92 Old 12-28-2010, 11:47 AM
 
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OP: Does the 17 year old know that your dd is only 13? That's not really clear from the OP, and he may not even be aware of the age gap.

 

The gap itself doesn't bother me, in terms of them being friends, or even that she has a crush on him. This can be totally harmless, ime. However, if he really is pursuing her (and you saw the texts - I didn't, so I can't judge), and he knows that she's only 13, then I'd share your concerns, and I think it's time to talk to him and his parents, as well as your dd.


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#28 of 92 Old 12-29-2010, 07:13 AM
 
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If he worked with the swim team he would be aware of her age.  Every meet program would have had it printed right after her name in each race.  Also generally the swim ages for summer league will be ....., 12-under, 14-under, and then 15-18.  Certainly he knows.

 

I understand the OPs concern but think he might be given a chance.  Get to know the boy.  Is he honorable?  Sure they do think about sex but love is what love is.  And dating in her age group ... 13 year old males are not all pure thoughts, flowers and butterflies.  There will be predator boys and there will be good boyfriend material throughout this adolescent period.

 

Find out his intentions.  Is he willing to do chaperoned dating and respect limits? 

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#29 of 92 Old 12-29-2010, 07:23 AM
 
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May I ask why it would be a problem for them to be more than friends? As a previous poster (or two) mentioned, there can be differing maturity levels and they could end up working out quite well.

 

I think worrying about the cellphone and text messages is besides the point. The point is a better relationship with your daughter - I'd go about cultivating that. Have a chat with her (not a confrontation), talk about your concerns and what her thoughts and feelings are. More flies with honey than vinegar

 

good luck though, it's not easy


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#30 of 92 Old 12-29-2010, 07:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

OP: Does the 17 year old know that your dd is only 13? That's not really clear from the OP, and he may not even be aware of the age gap.

 

The gap itself doesn't bother me, in terms of them being friends, or even that she has a crush on him. This can be totally harmless, ime. However, if he really is pursuing her (and you saw the texts - I didn't, so I can't judge), and he knows that she's only 13, then I'd share your concerns, and I think it's time to talk to him and his parents, as well as your dd.


I agree. When I was 13 I had a 17 yo boyfriend. He sexually abused me. This is not something I would take lightly with my past experiences.

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