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#1 of 6 Old 01-29-2011, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i am trying to get some advice about my daughter who just came out she is bisexual and me and my husband has put her in therapy. i am in therapy too, but one thing i realize with her is she continues to lie to meet up with this girl she has had an std before i have found pictures in her camera of her kissing the other girl. i just dont know what to do.

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#2 of 6 Old 01-29-2011, 01:53 PM
 
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What did you put her in therapy for?  Who has had an std ... her or her girlfriend?  How old is she?  What actually is/are your concerns?  It's great that she felt safe enough to come out to you. 


dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
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#3 of 6 Old 01-29-2011, 02:03 PM
 
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Well you don't need therapy for being bisexual, but it sounds like she is certainly going to need therapy to deal with your reaction to it. What is wrong with being bisexual? How have you communicated safe sexual experimentation with her?
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#4 of 6 Old 01-30-2011, 06:31 PM
 
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Hi momma, sending you a hug.gif.

 

Its hard to respond without knowing her age but I second all of the above that she doesn't need to be in therapy for being bisexual. You should feel really proud that she felt safe enough and strong enough in your love for her to come out to you. How lucky she is!

 

I am sure you have done this, but make sure you talk to her about sex, especially about healthy safe sex and make sure she has the tools and resources she needs in case she does need to deal with one.

 

If you and your husband are struggling with her lifestyle, then I do think it is good for you both to be in therapy for it. Just don't present it to her as "thats why I'm in therapy". You want her to feel supported, no matter what you are feeling, thinking, worrying about - so she will still feel the same safety in coming to her parents no matter what she needs to tell you.

 

I can understand that you are worried because maybe you don't understand what this means for her life. You had a vision of your child and now it feels different. Just remember shes the same exact daughter you had before she told you. Lying and participating in risky sexual behavior (again, hard to address this because her age is unknown) is scary and does need to be addressed. A therapist can help you with the tools you need. 

 

Also seek out your local PFLAG (parents, families and friends of lesbians and gays) chapter, they can be a wonderful wonderful resource. I have not experienced this myself directly, however my husbands nephew is gay and had a rough rough time of it with his parents. It completely broke that family and the lines in the sand within the extended family are palatable. You have to be strong for your daughter, because trust me this can wreck a lifetime relationship and how sad if you missed out on your darling daughter's life.

 

I loved my husband deeply but I knew I would marry him when I saw how his nephew being gay wasn't a big deal to him. I asked how he would feel if his son or daughter were gay and he said the only thing that would bother him is that they would be emotionally or physically harmed by someone because of it. So that would be scary for him. That might be scary for you and your husband too (maybe even your daughter!) and again, having a support system for you and your feelings will really help.

 

Lastly, next time you see your girl, give her a big hug and tell her how much you love her and just leave it at that. 

 

Unconditional.

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#5 of 6 Old 01-31-2011, 10:51 PM
 
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If you are religious folk, you may wish to watch "For the Bible Tells Me So" (http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/indexd.htm).  It's a profoundly moving film telling the stories of several different families of faith and their journeys after they had a child come out to them.

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#6 of 6 Old 01-31-2011, 11:33 PM
 
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I came out to my mom as bisexual and she told me that she doesn't believe in bisexuality and that people who say they are either just want the attention or aren't willing to just make up their mind already.  I haven't talked about it since with her and that among other things has caused me to not trust her with anything more personal than what I ate for dinner.  It was the wrong time to share her opinions of my sexuality and most definitely the wrong way to do it.  She turned it into a conversation about bisexuality itself rather than about me, the person in front of her trying to come out with something I knew about myself since I was 10.

 

Her being bisexual I think is separate from her sneaking around with someone and STDs.

 

Bisexuality itself is no more a problem than any other sexuality.  Granted if you are coming from a religious point of view, anything besides straight might be an issue but it is important to remember that how you handle your child's sexuality can have lasting effects well into the future.  If I'm reading it right and she was placed in therapy BECAUSE she is bisexual, this can send a harmful message... one where she is crazy and needs to be fixed.  Please remember that your daughter is still deserving of love and does need to know you are there for her without expectation of her changing.

 

As for lying to meet up with a girl... I think if you remove the gender and just leave it as 'she is lying to meet up with someone' while being sexually active and contracting STD's then it will be easier to deal with.  Male or female, the real problem is that she is lying and not being safe.  There are female condoms to better protect herself against STD's which with her history needs to be explained to her.  As for the lying... why is she lying?  Is she lying about DATING a girl and didn't want you to know yet (hadn't come out) or is she lying because you won't allow her to date a girl?  Ask yourself how you would deal with finding pictures of her kissing boys and how you would feel if she were dating a boy.  Would she be in a position to have to lie about that too because you simply don't want her with someone yet or is it purely a matter of not approving of her sexuality and the partners she is attracted to?

 

Bisexuality is one of the harder labels to have on you because of its current fad and the lack of understanding by people outside the LGBT community on what exactly it means to be bisexual.  It is also possible that, like my mom thought, she just hasn't figured out yet she is in fact a lesbian.  Some people do straddle the line while they are still figuring out the details of their sexuality especially if they are in a community where anything but straight is unheard of and unapproved of.  It can be hard to separate your sexuality from expectations.  Or she could end up like me and realize pansexuality is the correct label for her.  At any rate, reacting as if she has a disease simply by not being straight is going to put you on the fast track to a difficult relationship with your daughter.  You have no more control over her sexuality than she does and it can be scary for some people to realize they aren't straight, much less have negative and difficult reactions to it.

 

It is okay to not understand but remember.. she is still your daughter.

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