Originally Posted by
robin4kids
Well first off, anyone who has been in swimming knows that as boys get older, their are FEWER of them swimming. He makes friends easy and likes even the girls on the team but has never developed a lasting relationship.
That sounds like a valid explanation for his diminishing interest in swimming. I personally see nothing wrong with that. He has fewer connections on the team, he is not that into swimming any longer, so that's reasonable to look for something else.
Second, the meets are not every weekend.
I still think that his weekdays are way too structured and are overwhelming. School IS work. Homework IS work. Adding anything else on top of it that feels like work - you are talking about 10 hour workdays. Even adults are not required to work that many hours daily.
Third, my son would NOT spend more time getting better grades. He would drag his feet around the house doing nothing. On at least 3 weekends this swim season he spent the whole weekend watching T.V because the other kids he was friends with had other things they had to do. So he just sulked.
I don' t think it has much to do with grades. I think it's more about discovering oneself and learning the skills to manage your own free time. I agree with others - limiting TV sounds to me like a more reasonable answer than forcing someone to do a sport they are not interested in. At 18 is a little bit too late to be learning how to manage your free time without a parent. One would hope that by 18 you have those skills, which is impossible to develop if you are exhausted during the week, and micromanaged on the weekends, you know?
He is not a motivated child. He never has been. If he has no one to "play" with then he just has no idea what to do with him self. Summer is the worst. We are making him get a part-time job this summer, just so he is out of the house and doing something.
I know another one that;s not motivated.
DSD never really been a big fan of extracurriculars. She tried things here and there, but nothing that she really connected with. She has, however, developed interests on her own that she has kept up with, i.e. photography, fashion, baking. It took her a while, but she also found a style of books that hold her interest (romance and non-fiction), and other minor hobbies that she goes back and forth to. Part of me always wished that she did something year after year at school, but looking back now (she's turning 18 in a month), I don't think I could stand forcing her to do things *I* thought were important, nor do I think that she would have developed her own ineterests, as she is just like your son, is not highly motivated.
Also friends are overrated. Friends are great, if you know the friend's parents and have similar beliefs. If however you have only met the parents when dropping off your child at the house, then you have NO idea what may be allowed while your child is there. My ds is VERY easily influenced. If he wants to be in a certain crowd of kids he will do whatever it takes. As a mom it is still my responsibility to monitor this. Keeping him busy keeps him out of trouble.
I really don't think friends are overrated. Friends are very important for social development. Family might be the most important unit, but we do need people outside our immediate family, and we need those people more at certain stages of our lives than others. Teenage years are just that stage. And yes, you are the parent, and that's why I would invite the friends over to your house, if you did not trust them. Although, I just cannot imagine not allowing 16 y.o. to spend a few hours each week with friends. He might be bored with this group, or not know what to do with them, but he DOES need to learn how to make friends, maintain friendships, look for people that are good to be around, and learn how to manage bad situations. How old do you think a person should be before they are given the freedom to learn these skills? I sure hope the answer is not college age.
There is research that shows that children that are involved in an organized sport or after school activity, get into less trouble. My ds can't do any other sports. What will he do with his time? Just the other day I allowed him to miss practice to go to a basketball game. WHY? So he can hang with friends. He admitted it was kind of boring and he felt trapped. If they left the school they were not allowed back in. So what will my ds write on his college transcript? I watched my friends play their sports?
I think college should be the time when kids can decide what they want to do with all that free time.
I wholeheartedly agree that organized activities are great and that they do keep kids out of trouble. But the research also shows that American parents overdo it with the kids. The answer to being bored with his friends is NOT to limit his time with his friends and to force him into an activity that he no longer wants to do. It's okay to be bored with your friends sometimes. It's okay to watch their practice. It's okay to spend a weekend or two watching TV. I don't know the exact solution to your problem, in a way that it would satisfy you and fit your parenting style and help your son. I just know that forcing someoen to dedicate hours to an activity they don't want is not a good thing, and that friends ARE an important structure of our social life. I bet he won't be swimming when he is 30, or 40, or 70. However, I sure hope he knows how not to be bored when he has free time or has friends over. That's just my view on things.