9 yr old flirting/ chatting with men online - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 47 Old 02-13-2011, 08:30 PM
 
chfriend's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: in a red state
Posts: 4,754
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've got a 10 year old. What your describing sounds so very very worrisome. In your shoes, I'd be getting my family professional help.

chfriend is offline  
#32 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 07:07 AM
 
Callimom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,000
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I agree with the PP.  I also have a 9 y/o daughter and this is way way outside the realm of normal or typical behavior.

If despite all your efforts and vigilence she's able to make these choices, I think the entire family needs some support. I would be concerned about the source of these activities and would be increasing monitoring on older siblings, friends, mentors etc.

What she's doing is so dangerous to her health and wellbeing on so many levels that imo it the response needs to be way beyond just saying she can't play this game any more.

good luck to you.


Blessed partner to a great guy, and mama to 4 amazing kids. Unfortunate target of an irrationally angry IRL stalker.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~ Buddha

Callimom is offline  
#33 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 07:14 AM
 
mommariffic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: the rolling hills, New Jersey
Posts: 1,795
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

...all I have to say is backing up what everyone else is saying - PLEASE GET HER HELP! 

 

NONE of that is normal behavior. If the chatting with men was happening on it's own I would say it could just be rebellion/curiosity but not when it's coupled with the other behaviors you mentioned. The longer you wait this out the worse it will get, please keep us updated 


blogging.jpg    fambedsingle2.gif  homebirth.jpg  read.gif  happy momma to DD 8/07 and DS 6/10
mommariffic is offline  
#34 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 03:49 PM
 
midnightwriter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: midnight
Posts: 1,303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

She's reaching out. She needs a lot of help. Taking away her priviliges and computer time is a very easy "solution", but it doesn't really address the issue, and is very likely to make things worse. Gordon Neufeld in his book "Hold on to your Kids" talks about attachment with older children. The ultimate priority here is to bond with her, no matter how difficult, and this will create a safe base on which everything else can be built. Punishing her won't create trust, and will only make her spiral further, even if on the surface she might be doing better.

 

I don't agree at all with taking away the internet. There's a lot of fun on the internet for the kids, and the fact that she is going throuhg a lot right now, doesn't mean that everything fun has to be removed. But parental controls have to be installed, the computer has to be in the central area of the house, and she certainly shouldn't be playing on-line games with no moderation. I'd find her safe alternatives, maybe computer games that she enjoys but that are either on the HD, or without the chat option.

 

One thing for sure, if she were my duaghter, I'd be getting professional help RIGHT AWAY, and I would make everything humanely possible not to alienate her any further.


My kids are 8, 5 and 2!
midnightwriter is offline  
#35 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 03:56 PM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I'm another mom of a 9-year-old.  Everything I've read here is way outside the realm of normal.  Way way outside.  I'd get her to a counselor and find out what's going on in her life.  hugs to you and her.

mamazee is offline  
#36 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 03:58 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,630
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 61 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by midnightwriter View Post

Taking away her priviliges and computer time is a very easy "solution", but it doesn't really address the issue, and is very likely to make things worse.

 

...I don't agree at all with taking away the internet.


I agree that punishing isn't going to fix the problem, but this is a kid who doesn't need to be on the internet. It's just a safety issue. She needs real help, but keeping her away from predators in the mean time should be a top priority.

 

 

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#37 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 04:14 PM
 
midnightwriter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: midnight
Posts: 1,303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It is possible to keep her away from predator and still allow her to use the fun aspects of the internet. On the other hand, if the only way she uses the internet is for chatting, then it would be appropriate to take it away. My almost 9 year old uses the internet for a lot of innocent things that she enjoys. If she suddenly started doing something inappropriate on the internet, but still enjoyed the other things, I'd just monitor her very closely, and allow her to still have fun.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post




I agree that punishing isn't going to fix the problem, but this is a kid who doesn't need to be on the internet. It's just a safety issue. She needs real help, but keeping her away from predators in the mean time should be a top priority.

 

 

 

 




My kids are 8, 5 and 2!
midnightwriter is offline  
#38 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 04:36 PM
 
rainbow_mandala's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: concrete world
Posts: 923
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm most concerned about here: the 9 y.o. or the parents.  I say this because all of the behavior that's been described is so far outside the norm that a parent would have to be deep in denial or blind not to realize she has a serious problem that needs immediate attention.  Ignoring the fact that they are in a very unhealthy emotional state cannot be remedied by setting limits, and it's very worrisome to me that the OP seems to think this will solve the problem.  Just because she has "improved" by the limits that have been set doesn't mean she's actually healed...she's just learned that she's not going to get the attention she's seeking through those means anymore.  Case in point, she's looking elsewhere for the unhealthy attention.  This is not going to stop unless she gets help.  I also suggest the parents look deeper inside themselves and try to figure out why they haven't already gotten her help...

rainbow_mandala is offline  
#39 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 04:41 PM
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,653
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

I have to agree that counseling is imperative at this point. You need to know where this is coming from. I would, frankly, cut any and all computer use in your home by anyone but you and Dad unless actively supervised by an adult. That means by you or Dad. Not siblings or anyone else. All cables are disconnected and stay with an adult otherwise.



I agree. I went through something last year VERY similar with my 8 yr old DD. She was on an online KIDS site called Roblox and had other supposed "kids" sending her links to sex pictures and sex videos. She got to where she would lock herself in her bedroom with my laptop and I walked in on her one day (by opening the lock and surprising her) and caught her looking at people having sex. :-(   It devastated me. The online game sites were off limits for a while for her, even though the only two she rarely played on were both FOR kids, and she finally got better about being truthful and honest. Now she only gets online in my office, which is in the den, or on my laptop in my bedroom. I watch her closely, because even on the kids sites there are adults on there posing as children. :-(  It's SICK!! But she loves playing the little games on these sites so I want her to have some fun stuff to do on the net. Thankfully she is getting away from Roblox and the other site she had been doing and is doing more with her baby dolls and watching You Tube on things about caring for her Baby Alive dolls and stuff like that. So it's really not a worry anymore. But please stay on top of this!!!!

 

And, fwiw, I wouldn't automatically assume your child has been sexually abused. My DD has a very outgoing nature, very headstrong, emotional and can talk about how people hate her and be very moody and temperamental, has been all her life. She is homeschooled and rarely was around anyone alone when younger and not able to tell me things. That's always the first thing some people will assume about such scenarios and it's not always true. I TOO was a very hyper, curious child and teenager and I was virgin til my first boyfriend and wasn't molested or messed with as a child, but I had a HUGE interest in sexual things and men in general.


Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
#40 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 06:34 PM
 
Callimom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,000
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by midnightwriter View Post

It is possible to keep her away from predator and still allow her to use the fun aspects of the internet. On the other hand, if the only way she uses the internet is for chatting, then it would be appropriate to take it away. My almost 9 year old uses the internet for a lot of innocent things that she enjoys. If she suddenly started doing something inappropriate on the internet, but still enjoyed the other things, I'd just monitor her very closely, and allow her to still have fun.

 


 


Normally I would agree with you but I think this situation is an exception. Given that these parents have been surprised not once but twice by this child's internet activities while being what they considered to be very strict and vigilant and that it seems as though there may be other issues at play here I really think that "just monitoring" is not enough in this case to keep this child safe.  I agree with Linda that in these circumstances there doesn't seem to be an upside or a need for this child to have access to the net.


 


Blessed partner to a great guy, and mama to 4 amazing kids. Unfortunate target of an irrationally angry IRL stalker.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~ Buddha

Callimom is offline  
#41 of 47 Old 02-14-2011, 07:16 PM
 
midnightwriter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: midnight
Posts: 1,303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

ITA.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow_mandala View Post

Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm most concerned about here: the 9 y.o. or the parents.  I say this because all of the behavior that's been described is so far outside the norm that a parent would have to be deep in denial or blind not to realize she has a serious problem that needs immediate attention.  Ignoring the fact that they are in a very unhealthy emotional state cannot be remedied by setting limits, and it's very worrisome to me that the OP seems to think this will solve the problem.  Just because she has "improved" by the limits that have been set doesn't mean she's actually healed...she's just learned that she's not going to get the attention she's seeking through those means anymore.  Case in point, she's looking elsewhere for the unhealthy attention.  This is not going to stop unless she gets help.  I also suggest the parents look deeper inside themselves and try to figure out why they haven't already gotten her help...




My kids are 8, 5 and 2!
midnightwriter is offline  
#42 of 47 Old 02-16-2011, 08:14 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

There is this wonderful thing on your computer, it is called a plug. Your daughter needs to have high supervision so she doesn't get the plug until you can give it to her. You need a child filter and a family therapist. Sorry but at that age, doing those behaviors to get attentions worries me about the TOTAL situation and what the child needs attention wise.

Marsupialmom is offline  
#43 of 47 Old 02-20-2011, 03:46 PM
 
waiting2bemommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: buried under laundry
Posts: 1,956
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just wanted to come back to this thread to add something.

 

Everyone here is making it about removing the internet from the home but that is not the whole issue.

 

I shared earlier in the thread about my little sister's behavior. Granted, her folks have their heads in the sand, but she is also very sneaky. I don't know if it is a control thing with her, that the sneakiness gives her a feeling of power and control, or if she just really really wanted to continue with the behaviors no matter what. All I know is that no matter how tightly controlled her environment has become, she has still been able to find ways to get into trouble.

 

When I was 15 and 16 my mother would take the batteries out of all the cordless phones in the house and sleep with them under her pilllow, to make sure I couldn't use the phone. Well that was easy. I became master at picking her bedroom door lock, slipping into the room, gently easing one of the batteries out from under her pillow, using the phone, and then slipping back into the room to replace it before she woke up in the mroning. Same with the computer cord. She took it to bed with her, I bought one at school from a friend who likes to mess around with old computer parts and had spare ones. Easy as pie.

 

The point I am trying to make is that there is NO WAY to keep her 100% protected, except by engaging HER cooperation. You will only get so far by taking away internet access, monitoring her phone calls and association, homeschooling, etc. I'm not saying those actions aren't warranted, because she clearly needs to be protected from herself for the imediate future, but those are stop gap measures and NOT solutions. This needs to be addressed professionally. Restricting her and then assuming that fixes the problem is like putting a bandaid on open heart surgery. 

 

I just wanted to point that out because I haven't heard the OP say anything about counseling or the like, and that really, really bothers me.


Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

waiting2bemommy is offline  
#44 of 47 Old 02-20-2011, 09:34 PM
 
elus0814's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: where the air force says
Posts: 769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.

 

After my mom caught me in those chat rooms she was convinced I was into all sorts of awful things I wasn't even aware existed. She forced me to go to counselors which was terrible for me. It made me feel like I did something wrong (not to say a child in a chat room isn't doing something wrong but it made me feel like I had done something much worse). I stopped going to chat rooms but my mom still forced the counseling and accused me of other things I never did, like stealing. She searched my room, read my journal, and treated me like a prisoner. That was when I decided there was no point in behaving. Why should I when even if I behaved I was accused of everything under the sun and punished for these imagined crimes? It was a year or so after the chat room incidents that I started getting into lots of trouble.

 

Please don't assume you know what she's doing past the chat room and never accuse her of anything you aren't reasonably sure she's doing. Don't make her be kept away from computers at school and force her to feel like an outcast. Don't drag her to therapy if she resists going. All that said, if you have reason to think she's doing something beyond the chat rooms then work with her. I would take away game use regardless and supervise computer time since you know she's not using it in an age appropriate way.

elus0814 is offline  
#45 of 47 Old 02-20-2011, 10:08 PM
 
Ms. Sisko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,131
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I came here from the main page because the title caught my eye.

I had nearly the same experience as the poster quoted below me and as a few above.

If I were you, I would be scared ... but I don't want it to go without mentioning that those things do not automatically mean abuse. I was obsessed with things way over my head when I was that age. I even got in trouble at school for drawing porn. I was drawing penises and the only penises I'd even seen were my baby brother's and those in encyclopedias. I was writing about explicit sexual acts that I didn't completely understand. I was saying things online that were certainly not things I'd expect nine year olds to know about. I saw one porn mag once while snooping around a friend's parent's room when I was around 6 or 7 and the images stuck with me. I was never sexually abused as a child.

I was also obsessed with self harm, but never attempted any.

I don't even have any advice. I just wanted to say that it all sounds familiar. I'll be thinking about you and your family. grouphug.gifhug.gif
Quote:
Originally Posted by elus0814 View Post

I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.

 

After my mom caught me in those chat rooms she was convinced I was into all sorts of awful things I wasn't even aware existed. She forced me to go to counselors which was terrible for me. It made me feel like I did something wrong (not to say a child in a chat room isn't doing something wrong but it made me feel like I had done something much worse). I stopped going to chat rooms but my mom still forced the counseling and accused me of other things I never did, like stealing. She searched my room, read my journal, and treated me like a prisoner. That was when I decided there was no point in behaving. Why should I when even if I behaved I was accused of everything under the sun and punished for these imagined crimes? It was a year or so after the chat room incidents that I started getting into lots of trouble.

 

Please don't assume you know what she's doing past the chat room and never accuse her of anything you aren't reasonably sure she's doing. Don't make her be kept away from computers at school and force her to feel like an outcast. Don't drag her to therapy if she resists going. All that said, if you have reason to think she's doing something beyond the chat rooms then work with her. I would take away game use regardless and supervise computer time since you know she's not using it in an age appropriate way.


Perpetually TTC #1.  Let's go, Lightning!
Ms. Sisko is offline  
#46 of 47 Old 02-21-2011, 06:37 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by elus0814 View Post

I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.

 

After my mom caught me in those chat rooms she was convinced I was into all sorts of awful things I wasn't even aware existed. She forced me to go to counselors which was terrible for me. It made me feel like I did something wrong (not to say a child in a chat room isn't doing something wrong but it made me feel like I had done something much worse). I stopped going to chat rooms but my mom still forced the counseling and accused me of other things I never did, like stealing. She searched my room, read my journal, and treated me like a prisoner. That was when I decided there was no point in behaving. Why should I when even if I behaved I was accused of everything under the sun and punished for these imagined crimes? It was a year or so after the chat room incidents that I started getting into lots of trouble.

 

Please don't assume you know what she's doing past the chat room and never accuse her of anything you aren't reasonably sure she's doing. Don't make her be kept away from computers at school and force her to feel like an outcast. Don't drag her to therapy if she resists going. All that said, if you have reason to think she's doing something beyond the chat rooms then work with her. I would take away game use regardless and supervise computer time since you know she's not using it in an age appropriate way.



It could be generatoinal at 9 I had no chat rooms..and would never call someone up to talk about sex and dirty (that came much later).  Maybe it is because I have 3 kids that would not have done it at 9.  Now my 16 and 12 year old is different, now but not at 9. I would personally be ok with a 9yo looking/seeing born because that means most likely they are very curious and Google is a wonderful thing...but NOT sex chatting. 

 

Marsupialmom is offline  
#47 of 47 Old 02-23-2011, 09:02 AM
 
Modmom15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 10
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't think that you can jump to the conclusion that she was abused. Sometimes kids learn how to manipulate their parents and take it too far, threating self-harm only because they know it will get them something. There's really no way we can tell without really seeing her behavior in person.

 

The chatting at 9 is something to be worried about, so I'd make sure that computer and game time was supervised.

Modmom15 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off