Would you say anything to this girl's mom? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 32 Old 02-22-2011, 04:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Everyday I pick my son up at the busstop, which is about three blocks from our home, and not visible from our house. My next door neighbor's daughter (grade 4) also gets off this bus. Everyday, she stops before she gets to our street (and would become visible to her mom, if her mom is watching for her) and does things like change her shoes (I've heard her mom yell at her for wearing "good" shoes to school instead of her "school" shoes), or wipe off makeup or switch a skimpy little sweater for her jacket that was stuffed in her backpack.

On the one hand, I'd want to know if my son was breaking rules I'd set, and I feel like I should say something to my neighbor. On the other hand, I think it's really none of my business and I don't want to be a busybody.
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#2 of 32 Old 02-22-2011, 05:16 AM
 
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I would tend towards minding my own business.

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#3 of 32 Old 02-22-2011, 05:42 AM
 
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I also would mind my own business. You haven't witnessed anything that looks criminal or that puts anyone in danger. I don't envy either of them for what they will go through during her teenage years if this type of behavior continues. But their relationship problems with each other don't directly affect you and your son.
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#4 of 32 Old 02-22-2011, 05:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't envy either of them for what they will go through during her teenage years if this type of behavior continues.

Yeah, she has 4 older girls who are all WILD, and the screaming matches can be heard all the way over at our house.
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#5 of 32 Old 02-22-2011, 06:08 AM
 
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Then I would absoutly mmob.  LOL! Wouldnt want to be on the receiving end of one of THOSE!

 

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Yeah, she has 4 older girls who are all WILD, and the screaming matches can be heard all the way over at our house.


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#6 of 32 Old 02-22-2011, 06:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Then I would absoutly mmob.  LOL! Wouldnt want to be on the receiving end of one of THOSE!

 




I was thinking more like I don't want to cause one of those.
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#7 of 32 Old 02-22-2011, 11:19 AM
 
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Sounds like you wouldn't be telling her anything she doesn't already know, or could guess about her daughter. So really, it wouldn't be helpful.  


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#8 of 32 Old 02-23-2011, 07:45 AM
 
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This was all I meant, really.  Like the screaming matches are going to happen whether you cause them or not.  KWIM?
 

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Sounds like you wouldn't be telling her anything she doesn't already know, or could guess about her daughter. So really, it wouldn't be helpful.  



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#9 of 32 Old 02-23-2011, 08:44 AM
 
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I'd probably keep to myself. It's probably only a matter of time before her mom looks into her backpack one day and sees the make-up, clothes, and shoes. You don't want a kid to feel like they're being spied on all the time, so I think this way of getting busted is much more productive. 

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#10 of 32 Old 02-24-2011, 05:06 AM
 
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I would absolutely MYOB, unless there was some sort of serious safety issue going on, which this is not.  If the kid is swiping makeup off her face, her mother will find out as she's bound to miss some.  She'll eventually find the clothing and shoes.

 

My 13yo once tried to sneak a pair of very short shorts to school (dress code is mid-thigh), and she was busted immediately by me, and it will not happen again.

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#11 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 10:04 AM
 
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Another vote for MYOB. I used to do the SAME thing when I was that age. Especially with the makeup. And I wasn't very good at putting on makeup back then either - like blue eyeshadow up to my eyebrow.

 

If were my daughter, I'm not sure what I would do with the information, or how I would feel about the person telling me about it. You telling the mother might put her on the defensive.

 

My mother figured it out because I was an idiot and taking (duh!) her makeup to school. It actually resulted in her buying some of my own stuff (very basic items), showing me how to apply etc. IHer thoughts were that I was going to wear it no matter what she said, so I may as well learn to do it correctly and not run around school looking like a clown.

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#12 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 10:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sdm1024 View Post

Another vote for MYOB. I used to do the SAME thing when I was that age. Especially with the makeup. And I wasn't very good at putting on makeup back then either - like blue eyeshadow up to my eyebrow.

 

If were my daughter, I'm not sure what I would do with the information, or how I would feel about the person telling me about it. You telling the mother might put her on the defensive.

 

My mother figured it out because I was an idiot and taking (duh!) her makeup to school. It actually resulted in her buying some of my own stuff (very basic items), showing me how to apply etc. IHer thoughts were that I was going to wear it no matter what she said, so I may as well learn to do it correctly and not run around school looking like a clown.


If I had a martini for every time I changed my clothes out of my mother's sight I could throw quite a partyPeace.gif It's harmless.
 

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#13 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 11:03 AM
 
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Yeah, she isn't doing anything harmful... make up, a tight sweater, and nicer shoes might not be what a mom wants her young teenager doing, but it isn't harmful to anyone and means nothing more than a teenager trying to find her own place.  Based on the fact that there are other kids in the family who are also wild with plenty of fights, they probably feel like the rules in the home are too strict and are rebelling against them.  If the only way she rebels is by sneaking make up then so be it.

 

Now, I might talk to the mom if I saw her doing some hard drugs... but that is a real concern.  make up and a sweater aren't.

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#14 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 11:16 AM
 
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Totally MYOB

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#15 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 12:18 PM
 
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wow, 4th graders feeling they need to wear makeup to school and hide it from their parents. 4th grade is not a young teenager to me. As far as telling the parent, it would really depend on how well I know them and why this is happening.

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#16 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 01:17 PM
 
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Hehe...I still remember in jr. high, it was the fashion to have the top *two* buttons undone on your shirt.  Every morning, my mom would make a point of doing up my second button before she kissed me goodbye.  As soon as I got out of the house, I simply undid it. :)  I agree with not telling the mom.  Would it maybe be helpful to say something to the kid, though?

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#17 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 01:23 PM
 
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I would MMOB on this one.  Nobody is getting hurt, and the family sounds like they my have bigger fish to fry.

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#18 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 01:44 PM
 
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Yes I would definitely tell her! 

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#19 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 01:54 PM
 
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All people ought to be allowed their own identity outside the dictates of their parents (or society...as long as they are not hurting anyone). I cannot see any positive outcome to you "tattling" on this poor girl. For anyone. All it would do is reinforce an already often unfair, unequal, often arbitrary power dynamic...that adults have more power than kids. No good imo.
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#20 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 02:07 PM
 
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I don't see the benefit of telling the mom. Maybe if the two of you were really close, or if you saw the girl getting off the bus and doing lines of coke, but I don't think this is that big of a deal.

 

I had a friend in 4th grade who wasn't allowed to wear shorts to school because of the family's modesty standards. She would wear shorts underneath her pants almost everyday. Her mom did find out when she was in the front row of the class picture! lol.gif

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#21 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 03:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post



 


If I had a martini for every time I changed my clothes out of my mother's sight I could throw quite a partyPeace.gif It's harmless.
 


Me too.

 

My mom made me wear a hat to school.  I use to stuff it in the mailbox on my way to school.  Picked it up on the way home.  Thankfully, I got the mail and the mail carrier never told on me.....totally harmless.

 

FWIW, it sounds like this family has issues of some sort, but disobeying your mother on these type of issues does not automatically mean you are going to have a wild teenage-hood.

 

I stuffed my hat in mailboxes but was an easy teenager.

 

Edited to add:  I do think grade 4 is a little early for this sort of behaviour (makeup outside house) but I still would not tell.  I have had to tell on kids before over behaviour, it is never fun, I would save it for far larger things.  

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#22 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 03:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frugalmum View Post

Yes I would definitely tell her! 



Why?

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#23 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 04:07 PM
 
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I don't see the benefit of telling the mom.  What do you or the mom get out of it?  We know that the girl will get in trouble and based on your description of the family it could be pretty bad trouble and the girl then does a better job of hiding.

 

If the makeup and clothing were *that* bad /inappropriate wouldn't the school be saying something?


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#24 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 04:16 PM
 
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I wouldn't tell. 


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#25 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 10:05 PM
 
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I wouldn't tell. As been mentioned many times in this thread, there is really no reason to tell. The child is not doing something dangerous or harmful to herself or others, and when the mom finds out (and she either will or she is living in La La Land) it's just going to cause a huge rift between them.


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#26 of 32 Old 02-26-2011, 10:14 PM
 
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I think the standards I give my kids about tattling could apply here too:

 

Are you telling to get this child into trouble or out of trouble?

 

IMO, telling her mom she's wearing 'good' shoes, make-up and skimpy sweaters = getting her into trouble, and not out of it. If she were engaging in dangerous behavior, then yes, tell mom.


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#27 of 32 Old 02-27-2011, 10:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

I think the standards I give my kids about tattling could apply here too:

 

Are you telling to get this child into trouble or out of trouble?

 

gorgeous! 


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#28 of 32 Old 02-27-2011, 12:26 PM
 
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If she is doing this down the street where her mom could see if she looked out the window the mom probably already knows.

 

What does a skimpy sweater look like?

 

Wanting to wear nicer shoes, not a big deal. She will get caught when the nice shoes no longer look nice.

 

Makeup, chances are she isn't removing it all anyhow.  Unless the mom is buying it for her, she is either taking it from her mom or her older sisters.  Older sisters will rat younger ones out.

 

Our school has a no makeup policy due to 1-2 girls starting to wear very short skirts & a tonne of makeup to school in Grade 4.

 

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#29 of 32 Old 02-27-2011, 03:15 PM
 
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I saw a group of 4th graders come into one of my kid's school last year with makeup obviously applied on the bus (think eye shadow that hasn't quite made it all the way to the eye lids), and smelling of perfume.  It was clearly a case of clandestine beauty.  The girls thought they looked beautiful and cool, and didn't quite know how badly they reeked.  The staff handled it pretty matter of factly.

 

FWIW, in my jr. high, you would have to fight your way to a mirror to apply the Bonnie Bell lip smacker and blush that was forbidden by every parent and the school.

 

I wouldn't say anything unless there was a clear safety issue involved.

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#30 of 32 Old 02-28-2011, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wanted to come back and thank everyone for their responses. 

 

I also wanted to explain where I was coming from before you all think I'm some nosey neighbor, LOL.

 

When I first saw the girl doing these things, I ignored them.  Like all of you, I said to myself that kids need to rebel a little, and everything did (and does) seem innocent enough that I didn't pay it any attention. 

 

By now, I've been watching this go on every school day for almost 6 mos. 

 

I think that the day I wrote my original post, I had some crazy, caffeine-induced, wild-hair idea that if I said something to her mom, maybe my neighbor would wake up and start paying attention to this girl and what she's doing and maybe take some steps to prevent this daughter from going down the same path as her sisters.  About 30 seconds after I hit "submit" I came to my senses and remembered who I was dealing with.  This is the woman who said to me as she watched her 13 year old go off on a date with her 18 year old boyfriend, "She'll be knocked up by Christmas, just like her sisters", and then laughed about it.  (Christmas has come and gone, and I haven't heard about any new grandbabies, so let's all keep our fingers crossed!).  I guess I was having an "it takes a village!!!" moment, LOL.

 

Like I said, I didn't want you all to think I was the buttinsky of the neighborhood.  I just makes me sad to see this little girl doing the same things her older sisters did, and no one doing anything to guide her in another direction. 

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