slightly o/t, but i wonder what the criteria of readiness actually are...?
i got buds at 10 and was a d-cup at 12. I wasn't "ready" according to my mother either, when i had buds. One day my dad saw me skipping (jumprope) with 2 friends with my arms across my chest and the next weekend i was taken to get a bra.
my mother thought teenage girls were little whores. she called me a little whore for going on BCPs. i still don't know what her criteria of readiness for the holy ownership of bra was. from the way she treated me during the bra shopping trip either i still hadn't met them or i had and doing so had made me a Bad Person.
We must have had the same mother - first you were a bad person for even thinking about something as adult/dirty as a bra before you "needed" one, then you were a bad person for growing up and actually needing one.
With compassion for the mother AND daughter, and considering what has already occurred.
If it were me, and I had done what the OP has done.....
I would have a sincere heart-to-heart with my child. I would tell her that I wanted to be there for her to lean on while growing up, and that loving mamas make mistakes too. This would hopefully open up the doors for healing and better communication in the future. You could hopefully determine what a good damage-control path for daughter might be...does she want the bra back from Gma? Is she equally content to choose a different one?
And, I would take a few sessions with a counselor about dealing with grandma and my own other issues/resentments. For real. This is big, big stuff.
Grandma needs to know that it's not her place to make decisions about your daughter's clothes. And you need to step up and show that you're not in need of help. This means getting way fluid with not projecting sexual behavior onto your daughter's physiological development.
But I do still agree that Grandma shouldn't have done that.
I am a christian too. IMO, a training bra, worn under clothes will not make your dd grow up faster or draw attention to her in a sexual way. It's symbolic at this stage but it sets the tone for how you will respect your dd's body as she grows.
My mom wanted me to wait to shave until I had hair on my legs. It caused me anxiety because *I* thought I was ready.
Checking to see if she needs a bra every few days seems like a boundary violation. You are sexualizing the whole thing more than it is by making it a big deal.
I'm sorry OP, that this thread hasn't been helpful to you-I see that you've asked the mods to delete. I do hope that there's something that resonates at some point with you. You have a fantastic opportunity to connect with your dd about something that is important to her. This truly doesn't have to be a negative experience. I so hope your hear a little of what's been offered.
If you read this thread with any regularity, so many of us have those moments where more seasoned moms have stepped in to offer their perspectives. I've had this experience here often, and sometimes what I've read has rocked my world a little, and I've had to go away and really think about it. Sometimes my views are challenged, but in the end, parenting an adolescent challenges a lot anyway!
It's to help with rubbing/irritation at the start and then holding those bad boys in later in life. Lol she plays with my bras at the house and dress up and I'm fine with that, but she knows that she's still a kid and that she doesn't need to grow up faster than she is...she has her ENTIRE life to be an adult.
So, why do you have a problem with your DD relieving the irriation? Is it more childlike and innocent to put up with it than to wear a garment to relieve it?
She was wearing a training bra, and there was no mention of makeup or trying to look older than she is, or indeed any mention of boys. I kind of doubt boys have the x-ray vision to tell if a girl is wearing a training bra.
You can still live as a Christian wearing a bra, you know.
I don't think you are a pedophile, but checking your daughter's breasts isn't appropriate unless she has a concern and asks you to. It just isn't. Respect her privacy. I wish someone had told my mom this, and i wish she she had listened.
And I agree with everyone lese who has said you are telling her her opionion on her body doesn't matter etc.
Violating your daughter's privacy can damage your realtionship with her forever. i speak from experience.
You have the ability to edit your subscriptions so you don't get emails from this thread. If it's that much of a problem for you, then go to "my profile" and click on "edit subscriptions" under your user avatar.
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.
Training bras really serve 2 purposes. There is the physical purpose and the emotional aid in helping a girl deal with her changing body. Your daughter might feel the changes even if you don't see them and a training bra might make her feel more comfortable. It is her body, not yours (or her fathers or anyone else) to micromanage.
I would feel very shamed and embarrassed if my mother had reacted to my body's NATURAL development in the manner you've described. There is nothing sexual in wanting to wear a bra. I think you are projecting some very potentially damaging views on her. I promise training bras are not the gateway drug into luring older boys into premarital sex.
What did you expect her to say? She obviously knows you don't approve, she's a child and doesn't want her mother mad at her so of course she told you whatever you wanted to hear. Plus I am positive she knows more about the dynamic between you and your XMIL than you give her credit for. The poor kid has now been put in the middle in addition to being shamed, humiliated and disrespected.
I'm done debating over my decisions that I think are right or wrong. I am DEEPLY sorry I ever started this thread. There are tons of things that I could explain....but its not worth it.
BTW, DD said she doesn't even know why she asked for a bra. Shes not hurting, or uncomfy under her clothes. I know my DD better than anyone, and she is NOT ready for a bra. mentally or physically. End of story. I dont CHECK her every 3 days...bad choice of words obviously.
I'm just done with everyone responding. I'm over it.
Pardon me while I
We won't all agree on every topic, and that's okay. We do hold core values related to some topics like breastfeeding and spanking, but with subjects like bras for teens and relationships with in-laws we're open to different opinions, framed respectfully.
Single mom to Rain (1/93) , grad student, and world traveler
when I started wearing a bra, I STOPPED attracting boys. I was made fun of in 5th grade for my buds. At that age, kids are trying to look for them at least in my experience. My breasts also grew overnight and too quickly to get a bra before getting made fun of some more in school. I still vividly remember enjoying myself at a school event outside when a boy and a coed group of his friends started laughing at me and telling me I need to start wearing a bra because of how bad my boobs look. I was 10. TEN. and already getting sexually harassed for my boobs and it wasn't because I was wearing a bra to 'lure older boys.' No boy has ever cared about a bra I was wearing.. just the bras I wasn't.
The original post was already deleted by the time I got to this thread, but I really don't see the big deal with a girl wanting a bra, whether she "needs" it or not.
My daughter was 9/10 when she asked me to take her to get some bras. She didn't need them physically, but she was heading to her Dad's for the summer and thought she might want/need them there, but wanted to go with me for them. She wore them a few times, then they sat in the drawer until she went to Dad's. Dunno if she wore them there. Then they came back... and sat in the drawer. There came a point when I felt she might be more comfortable wearing one, which is what I told her, but left it up to her. Her body, her choice.
OP's apparent stance makes me feel as though she thinks there's something wrong, or shameful, about her daughter wanting to wear a bra. There shouldn't be. Even if the only reason she wants one is because all of her friends do. She should feel proud of her body - no matter what it looks like. What's Mom gonna do when she wants to wear thongs? This Mom takes her shopping.
I am confused because on another thread about "9 year old breast development" the OP commented that her DD came to her with sore breasts.
It sounds like the bra was needed psychologically or physiologically; however hugs to you for a MIL who bought something that was deemed important and special. I think I would have been upset as well, but not have taken it away from DD. The damage is done, but no reason to make the situation worse. My mother used to cross the lines sometimes and has learned a quick phone call can make a big difference.
As a fellow Christian, I do not feel a bra will hyper sexualize a child, but can be seen as a form of modesty and growing into a beautiful young woman.
Also, I do not feel sexuality is something to be ashamed of, but something that needs to be discussed with the morals that are consistent with God's view. It is imperitive that our children feel comfortable coming to us instead of the world for guidance and understanding about thier bodies. Once that communication is gone, it can be hard if not impossible to get back.