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#61 of 81 Old 03-22-2011, 04:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well we both got haircuts today, so I can book the appointment tomorrow. She changed hers a bit, and now has straight bangs, and it's just longer than shoulder length. She posted a picture on FB and a friend's mom said she looks like Hermoine Granger (I don't see it myself, hair is nothing like hers) so now she doesn't want to dye it!!!

She also put regular earrings in a couple of days ago, and she said there was no problem putting them in (it's been a couple of years since she wore earrings last). I pointed out that if that tiny hole hadn't healed in all that time, that a stretching almost certainly wouldn't heal on its own either. Hopefully she'll think.

There's been a lot of food for thought here, which I appreciate, even the posts that disagree with me, so thank you!
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#62 of 81 Old 03-24-2011, 04:29 PM
 
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Hello there.

 

I myself am 22 years old and I have 2 children. I have many body mods including: tounge ring, lip ring, ears are streched, navel ring and septum ring. I also had a few more that I removed. I also have quite a few tattoos.

 

As far as your daughter, IMO, she is still quite young. I remember wanting all of those things when I was her age ( and i did get a few peircings before I was 18) and when i had them done later, as an adult- i was glad that I waited.

 

I believe that allowing a child to express his/her individuality through body mods is ok and can be quite important to some teens. I would be okay with her allowing to maybe cut/dye her hair how she wished and maybe a few peircings- but i would have her wait until she is older for the tattoos. The holes can grow up, a tattoo cant be removed that easily.

 

If you decide to allow her to mod her body, i would just be sure that shes aware that shes beautiful that way that she is- but also let her know that how she views herself is important as well. I would make the trips with her to the body mod shop(s) where she has them done, just to make sure that who ever does this for her is trained and clean. Maybe have her read a bit about after care for each of the mods that she is asking for before hand so that she understands it isnt always easy to look after. She really should do some thinking about each mod.

 

As far as getting a job, the pericings can be hidden by retainers which are little clear, unnoticable jewlery that goes into the peircing so that it cannot be seen. I have worn many myself and never had a problem- even when i was working at the hospital. Blue hair, however, isnt easily hidden. Maybe you can suggest that she try a hair  color that will wash out after a few days so that she can decide if she likes it or not- before she has to bleach her hair ( unless her hair is naturally light! ).

 

Like i said, i have many now that I love, BUT im very glad that i didnt have them done at a young age. Im very glad that I waited.

 

Personally, i would maybe allow her to have her lip or nose done but not her tounge or eyebrow. My tounge ring took awhile to heal and can be troublesome in the healing process and the eyebrow rings tend to scar badly.

 

Whatever you choose is the right choice- your the parent. If you make her wait, im sure shell be glad that you did! Good luck!


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#63 of 81 Old 03-24-2011, 07:41 PM
 
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Hair dye is an absolute blast and I'd love to recommend my own hair dye brand.
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z203/lofnmusic/PICT2165.jpg
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http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z203/lofnmusic/blue.jpg

(Special Effects- costs 10 dollars, doesn't fade quickly, doesn't look terrible faded, no animal testing, easily ordered online, bottle can be closed and the dye doesn't dry out, can be re-used)

I went through high school wearing short pink hair, dressing punk/ska style. I was covered in safety pins and made most of my own clothes. I believe it's one of the best decisions my parent's made, to let me dress how I want , especially before having to join a workforce that may not appreciate my style. It let me explore who I am and who I want to be, let me explore other people's perceptions, and taught me a lot of valuable lessons about pre-judging. It encouraged my creative side, encouraged me to DIY and to value money and recycle (I LOVE thrift stores now and hate chain stores, feel like they have too limited options most of the time, nothing unique). The only limit they gave me was nothing permanent on my body that could be seen by people at the grocery store unless I dress immodestly (naval rings for example, were acceptable as a teenager, but my lip ring had to wait until I was at least 18, and even then I waited until I was 23 and knew I could obtain devices that would keep it from closing but would hide my piercing, like these http://compare.ebay.com/like/130495324065?ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&var=sbar&rvr_id=220592186392&crlp=1_263602_304662&UA=%3F*F%3F&GUID=fcdcaffa12c0a0e1e4e0b8e0ffc8be2b&itemid=130495324065&ff4=263602_304662).

I never dressed immodestly in high school, but still enjoyed my belly button piercing, mostly because it helped me overcome my crippling fear of needles.

Plastic surgery however, I'm inclined toward not being so approving of. These other modifications, piercings, tattoos, hair dye, always encouraged a sense of being myself, enjoying and ornamenting my body, plastic surgery just seems like the opposite of that, changing because you don't like your body, not because you are enjoying it. That's how it seems to me anyway. I've considered plastic surgery for my weight issues, because I gained weight from medical problems and have had a lot of trouble losing it, so I can understand wanting to fix stuff, but I'm still inclined to encourage loving yourself as you are, adding for fun or for expressing yourself, not to hide something you aren't comfortable with.

Anyway, whatever you do, be calm and reason with your kid. You really don't want them deciding to do things to get revenge on you for perceived meanness. It would suck to have a tattoo you'd regret later that you got out of angst. Always explain why they can't, and hell, why they can do things. Some kids want this stuff so they can feel adult, and "because I said no" feels like child treatment, and can make them want to rebel with it. My appearance in high school was non-rebellious. My parents loved it, and I loved telling my friends how cool my parents were. We connected over it, and I think that's totally valuable. Even when I did stuff they thought was ugly (one parent likes my lip ring, the other doesn't), they still liked that I feel like I can be myself, be smart about my choices, and have some fun.

That's my view anyway.

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#64 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 08:34 AM
 
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Long thread and I haven't read all the replies. 

 

I did want to tell you about our recent trip to Manhattan, which happened to fall over St. Patrick's Day. By coincidence, DS has his hair in a green mohawk right now. It was blue, but it's faded to green. While watching the parade, he had several shoutouts from people who were marching - mostly seniors and veterans. They loved his hair. One elderly vet also had his hair dyed green. 

 

On another occasion, when he and DH went out to dinner, the host quietly moved them from the back of the line right to a table, because "You guys look like you are a lot more fun than the others in line". 

 

Many years ago, I agreed to let my children dye their hair and get single piercings in their ears. They were both less than 8 y.o. at the time and they both begged to do it. They pretty much wear what they want, with exceptions for certain social occasions - and they always check with me about dressing for these occasions. They know I'd prefer it if they dressed in preppy cargo pants, khakis and polo shirts, but I try not to interfere with what they wear. Even though I think they would like to get tattoos and more piercings, they don't and they don't complain about it since they have almost complete freedom of personal expression otherwise. I'm not sure how much longer that will last now that DS is over 18, but I am content that their personal expression was limited to  temporary changes to their personal appearance (hair, clothes, accessories) until they reach adulthood. 

 

Oh, and I have a series of gorgeous studio photos taken a couple of years ago, before DS shaved his hair into a mohawk the first time. I made the same deal, asking him to wait on changing his hair until we had the studio photos done. We have many, many photos of him and his crazy hair (red, blue, green, mohawk, totally bald etc.) since then, and I treasure all of them - before and after.

 

 

 

 

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#65 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 09:51 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post

 

Many years ago, I agreed to let my children dye their hair and get single piercings in their ears. They were both less than 8 y.o. at the time and they both begged to do it. They pretty much wear what they want, with exceptions for certain social occasions - and they always check with me about dressing for these occasions. They know I'd prefer it if they dressed in preppy cargo pants, khakis and polo shirts, but I try not to interfere with what they wear. Even though I think they would like to get tattoos and more piercings, they don't and they don't complain about it since they have almost complete freedom of personal expression otherwise. I'm not sure how much longer that will last now that DS is over 18, but I am content that their personal expression was limited to  temporary changes to their personal appearance (hair, clothes, accessories) until they reach adulthood. 

 


You're an inspiration.  I'm hoping I can say the same thing in another 10 years (when my kids are 19 & 22)!


 

 

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#66 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 11:59 AM
 
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You're an inspiration.  I'm hoping I can say the same thing in another 10 years (when my kids are 19 & 22)!



Thanks! It isn't always easy, because we tend to live in conservative, professional neighbourhoods and I've had to ignore some comments and looks from some people. I've often wondered if agreeing to a few discreet tattoos or piercings wouldn't have been so much easier on me, if it meant they regularly dressed more conservatively overall.  Every morning when DS walks out the door in a ripped up, studded and patched denim jacket, torn black skinny leg jeans and knee high Doc Martens, I would almost trade him a tattoo and a piercing to see him in a nice pair of khakis and a sweater vest  lol.gif  !!  

 

The funniest thing of all is that DD always asks for my fashion advice and an opinion on what she is wearing almost every day eyesroll.gif . She thinks my clothes are terribly boring!   

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#67 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 05:20 PM
 
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I tend to be pretty okay with things like hair cutting/coloring & simple piercing. Basically, anything that can be changed or concealed at some point if need be is totally fine with me. At that age, my general feeling is that they might not have reached a point where their adult aspirations are fully in view. Because of that, I am not so okay with more permanent, clearly visible things like facial piercing, stretching, prominent tattoos etc. The reason being, I have witnessed multiple instances where such things have prevented perfectly capable, good people from getting professional jobs they wanted.

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#68 of 81 Old 03-26-2011, 08:57 AM
 
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My kids can do whatever they want to do with their hair.  Hair grows back.   They can get their earlobes pierced once they are 12, and  I am convinced they wil take care of them.

 

Anything else they can do when they are entirely off my dime, and are self supporting.  Should they decide to get a tattoo, etc., while I am supporting them, that support will end abruptly, and they will forfeit us paying for their college education.   It is illegal to tattoo a minor in my state.  We have made our position on this crystal clear from the time they were very young and they know we don't make idle threats. 

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#69 of 81 Old 03-26-2011, 02:49 PM
 
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Actually she isn't. Stretching doesn't just mean 4 gauge or whatever. You can stretch up to a certain size and it will shrink back. Off the top of my head I can't remember the limit either, but you start where you are and stop where you want and what is safe depending on a variety of factors.

 

 

To an extent. My ears were stretched to about a 0 with a flanged plug--so in between 0 and 00. After nearly a year of no piercings (basically coz I lost jewelry and couldn't afford new stuff), they still will hold a size 2 plug easily, and with no jewelry, the holes shrink up, but still have a very different "stretched hole" look--does NOT look the same as a tiny "regular" piercing hole.

 

Gauging IS a permanent body modification--it will shrink down a bit but will never be exactly the same as an unstretched ear piercing--that's what my piercer says!
 

 


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#70 of 81 Old 03-26-2011, 03:57 PM
 
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First: I think any shade of red (or purple!)  would look great on her!

 

My DD is 11 and is thinking about body mod a lot, but doesn't want any at this point. But we've talked about it a lot (she did a presentation on the topic in class, where she decided a labret was not her thing :) ). 

 

I told her I would make the medical-side decisions until I believe she can take those herself, whichever age that is. Once she's 16 (here in the Netherlands) I have no legal vote, but we'll get there when we do. Until that age, most body mod artists won't deal with her, anyway.

 

If your DD has been into the Dark Mark for a while, I would let her get it. It's weird and childish to us, but I'm sure that many people in her generation will view it as a sign of their younger years once they grow up, like the Grease posters were to me. But for tattoos and piercings beyond standard and generally-acknowledged-as-unproblematic (anywhere on the ears, nose, eyebrow, belly button) I would only request my child to think it over for a while - few months  at least. I would voe mouth piercings till 16, quoting the medical issues. 

 

In my generation, body mod was mostly for weirdos. But it's so mainstream now, I can't really imagine our children being outcasts with their mods. So many entertainment and sports stars have them, and so many CEOs and business people, they will not have to deal with the same prejudice we did. And once she has enough sense to foresee the effect of her current choices, who am I to stop her? Even if she might change her mind later - I"m still changing my mind a lot, and I would rather my kid be okay with the implications of changing her mind than simply bowing down to mine.

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#71 of 81 Old 03-27-2011, 06:15 AM
 
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In my generation, body mod was mostly for weirdos. But it's so mainstream now, I can't really imagine our children being outcasts with their mods. So many entertainment and sports stars have them, and so many CEOs and business people, they will not have to deal with the same prejudice we did. 



I don't agree with this, at least for Americans. I can't speak on what being modified was like before the early 90's but it still carries a heavy stigma and it can limit your options. I feel it's extremely important to understand the social ramifications. 


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#72 of 81 Old 03-27-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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If that's what she wants, then let her get them and pay for them.  If you don't agree, just don't give your consent (if where you live requires they be of a certain age).  Piercing is a personal choice that is not worth a fight, in my opinion.  I never had problems getting a job with my piercings, but I did have to take many of them out for work (I was restricted to two sets of earrings, no more!).  Blue hair was also a bad choice for me (Starbucks has/had a policy of "no unnatural haircolours" so I had to dye it brown).  In general, though, hair dye is there to experiment with and as long as it's not done too often, it doesn't damage hair (at least mine hasn't been and I've been dying it for 17 years)


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#73 of 81 Old 03-27-2011, 12:46 PM
 
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I have three teenage girls, all of which have very different personalities and express them in very different ways. My oldest has her tongue pierced. My 16 yr old loves to change her hair color. I tease her that she changes it like she changes her underwear. She has had blue, green, pink, black, red, blonde, teal...I don't think there is anything wrong with it. She is trying to find herself and be an individual at the same time. She gauged her ears a few months ago, but I didn't let her go so big they wouldn't go back to normal. She was over that faze fairly quickly. Now she wants to get snake bites. I am making her wait a few months to make sure she truly wants them. My 13 yr old has dyed her hair, although pretty normal colors. She wants her belly button pierced, but I am making her wait a few years for that one. When it comes to tattoos and piercings, I think they should think about it seriously so they know that is what they want. No tattoos for my kids until they are older, though. That is something I don't think kids should make a decision about. 

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#74 of 81 Old 03-27-2011, 12:53 PM
 
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Whoa.....I would definitely re-think the "no more support unless you do it our way" paradigm.  That's what gets parents and children into more trouble than almost anything else.  Permanent body modification obviously has its own set of significant consequences and needs to be thought through very carefully.  As a parent, I would never have offered to pay for the procedure itself; that would be up to the kids.  But to withdraw financial and/or educational support if they make those choices is not the way to go about things.  They will do it anyway, out of independence or rebellion.  Then, minus support, they will be unable to create lives for themselves.  You don't want to deal with the ramifications of that, trust me.  I've seen it more than once.

My own children were free to do what they wanted.  Fortunately, all my older son wanted was his ears pierced and his hair bleached at the tips.  He was 15 at the time.  No problem, and you know what?  He outgrew it by the time he started college.  My younger one pierced his ear freshman year in college.  He also outgrew it.  There were no fights, no threats, no emotional blackmail.  Kids need to discover who they are, BUT they also need to understand the consequences of they take it too far.  Gauging looks really grotesque to me, but if they wanted to do it they'd get the usual "think it through carefully and here's why,  but I'll support what you decide. 

 

My sons, now 21 and 24, are both talking about getting a tattoo.  All I've done is remind them to put it in an inconspicuous place because employers and landlords are conservative and judgemental.  Mind you, these are both professionals, as am I.   My 24 year-old is a chemist and my 21 year-old is about to be earn his degee in math/economics.   I've seen far too many parents try to take control of their children's lives by playing the money card, and it fails miserably.  The kids are going to do what they want regardless, and in the final analysis all that does is destroy your relationship.  Think very carefully here.

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#75 of 81 Old 03-28-2011, 05:57 PM
 
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I do have a suggestion on the whole tattoo thing.

 

When I was 16 I wanted a tattoo, it happened to be a cross with my moms initials underneath it. I knew I wasn't going to be able to get it until I was at least 18, so I got it as a hena tattoo, which if you're not familiar is basically an ink that goes on the skin and comes off in a few weeks. I ended up doing it a few times and not only did it help with how big and where I wanted to put it but it also really helped to know that I did really want it.

 

I got it tattooed on my left forearm when I was 18, but added a red rose around the cross. Now maybe because it’s in honor of my mother who passed away when I was 12, but I still love it to this day and it will always be my favorite tattoo.

 

Anyway, my point is, maybe if you let her get it in a non permanent way, she may not want it any more.  

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#76 of 81 Old 03-28-2011, 08:34 PM
 
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Im 21 so im pretty young, and at hot topic they got this cool hair dye. Its not perminate and she can buy a few packets ( its $2 for it one) and its a wide range of colors. I think it stays in for a few days to a week or two not sure. But most places like sallys only has hair dye for blue, purple and a dark red color or grey/silver. If she gets facial pericings and ends up with a job they will make her take them out for a professional look. Tattoos can be hidden easily, unless you get them on your arm then you have to wear long sleeved shirts which during the summer isnt fun and most tattoo artist wont let any one get a tattoo under the age or 18 any way (had a friend that ran his own shop and even if a parent agreed he wouldnt do it not sure if thats every where). The ear streaching is really gross. Its very unattractive weither its guys or girls, and if your going to sew it back up why get it in the first place?

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#77 of 81 Old 03-28-2011, 09:49 PM
 
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I agree with the PP who mentioned doing the tat in henna first.  Call around to the tat shops in your area and see if they do henna.  I know a few around here do.  I would also talk to your DD about tat placement.  So she wants to get a dark mark? Fine. But the forearm is not a good choice. Maybe the upper arm?  Doing the tat in henna first will probably help you.


 

 


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#78 of 81 Old 03-29-2011, 12:54 AM
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you can stretch your ears "Gage"  so long as you do it properly. do "Gage up" or make the hole bigger. the numbers get smaller. to "Gage down" you have to "SLOWLY" and i say that meaningfully because if you try to gage down to fast it can cause perminant damage to your ear. but depending on the style or what your daughters attire is. gaging might not be the best idea. i see alot of girls in my highschool. gage their ears and use toung rings. it looks alright i guess. tattoos, are a most deffinant NO yes it make you feel a little cooler. but in the end guys will think differently of her. if you get what im saying?. nose rings, if you get he side ones look really cute on most girls, because you can get the small gem pins. and you wont really see it that well. belly button peircings, shell get it and regret ir. my girlfriend has one and she complains every time she takes it out to clean it. because they never "heal" all tho they are super cute on almost all girls, take that with great caution, if she does get that one. itll be a good laugh for you, it was for me when my girlfriend got hers! she couldnt even sit down for two weeks almost! 

 

so as a 17 year old guy. nose peircing should be the ONLY facial peircing any girl should get. toung rings, their annoying, 7\10 girls have them, they sit and play with them all day, and there just annoying when you try to talk to them because they sit their and play with the ring in their teeth while your talking. 

before you even think about taking her to get a toung or belly button, make sure the artist has ALOT of experience with that particular incision. one wrong incision in the toung and your daughter goes from track star to cripple in seconds. :( ive seen it done. good luck! 

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#79 of 81 Old 03-30-2011, 08:52 AM
 
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I would let her dye her hair. My (attempted) approach with my kids is that, even when I wouldn't do it myself, or don't neccesarily approve, I will let them do it if it is not 1. morally wrong, or 2. permanent.  There is no way I'd take my 16yo to get a tattoo, for any reason. I am 26 and don't think my mind fully matured until the past couple years. I regret most of the things I did when I was 16, and 18. I would make her do a lot of research on scar tissue resulting from peircings before giving it any serious thought. If she felt the risk was worth it, I would make it clear that I would not pay for any removal of scar tissue, and MIGHT let her do it. I would not let her gauge her peircings

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#80 of 81 Old 04-02-2011, 09:48 AM
 
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My husband is a tattoo artist and he and I are both heavily tattooed. Our children haven't expressed an interest in getting body modifications yet, but if/when they do we've decided that they will have to wait until they're 18 to get tattoos.

 

Your daughter is almost 17... if she still wants this tattoo in a year at  age18 then by all means let her if she understands the responsibility and life altering decision that it is.

 

My ears are guaged at 0. I can wear certain french hook earrings, but my holes are too stretched to wear studs or post back earrings. I personally don't mind as I prefer my plugs for everyday wear.

 

Body modifications can be a positive and wonderful thing. Tattoos are ancient and for some people, an ingrained need for self-identification. But only if it comes from a responsible and fully researched point of view. I would definitely not allow rash or impulsive modifications... 

 

Tattoos and jobs. It can be done. I'm fully sleeved and a semi-professional. I wear long sleeves at work to cover my tattoos. 

 

I would make sure she's educated on body modification before she proceeds... have her read a book on the matter. Talk to artists. This is not something to go into lightly.

 

 


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#81 of 81 Old 04-07-2011, 07:48 AM
 
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We all have gauged ears over here, even my 10.5 year old DD (although very small). Ear gauging is only as permanent as a healed ear piercing. Unless you blow your hole out, they will always shrink back up, especially on a young person. I have gotten up to a 00 three separate times and have had no problem with them "going back to normal". This is also coming from a parent that wouldn't let a child bleach their hair until they were 13, not because I have problems with dyed hair but because hair bleach is super harsh. I have my moments of being a little on the overprotective side, but I also support children's autonomy especially when it comes to their bodies. If I don't give a child the tools to do something safely, they will seek it out on their own and do it anyway, perhaps unsafely. I would never condone anything permanent, but piercings, gauging (within reason), and hair dye or crazy hair styles are not going to prevent a child from growing up to be a successful adult. In my experience, if they don't get it out of their system when they're a teenager, it will just carry over into their adult life. I was lucky enough to have a mother who respected my opinions and let me wear whatever I wanted, even though my curfew was a good two hours earlier than everyone else's, and I think it's made me more centered as an adult, to have a better gauge on who I am having tried many things in my life. I don't see the harm here, and kids who feel heard and trusted to make their own decisions are generally more accountable and grounded.


 


(gender)queer vegetarian artist co-parenting DDs 14 & 11 with DP and TTC  little peanut #3 3rdtri.gif

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