Teen Sex - Accepting or Encouraging? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 127 Old 04-04-2011, 09:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My 16 yr old daughter has been with her bf for over 2 yrs now and she is on bc and they do use condoms. This past weekend was the first time that I've allowed him to stay overnight at our house, and when I mentioned this to my sister she was all upset with me for saying that I was "encouraging" them to have sex. I definitely would not encourage a teenager to have sex but on the other hand I have accepted the fact that some teens do and it does help that I truly like her bf. I'm kind of second guessing myself now but my gut tells me that if they're going to do it, the safety of the home is much better. Anyone else been through this and how did you handle it?
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#2 of 127 Old 04-04-2011, 10:03 AM
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Hugs. I pretty much lean your direction. My kids aren't 'teens' yet, but I am aware that when I tacitly accept any sexual curiousities/questions, things are so much better than when I react.

 

One of my favorite songs is a from father to his growing daughter, and includes the line "....it don't matter who you do it with, just remember when I tell you baby, YOU the sh**".

 

Also, when I get questioned, I recenter with a little reading on various societies, to remember that there's not "one way" of growing/living/sexing.

 

Best wishes!

 

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#3 of 127 Old 04-04-2011, 10:09 AM
 
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In my opinion, as someone who got pregnant at 17, as the mom of a now 15 year old, inviting the boyfriend to spend the night IS condoning sex especially if you know they are already having it.  It's like saying "I am so ok with you sleeping with your boyfriend, I am going to invite him over to sleep with you."

 

As far as the "safety of the home" idea...well, it's sex, not drinking and driving.  Condoms don't have less of an effect just because they are used in the car (or whereever) vs in the bedroom.  Having sex someplace NOT the bedroom doesn't put anyone at any more risk of STDs or pregnancy.  The biggest risk I can see to having sex someplace else is maybe getting arrested for indecent exposure if they are in public?  To me the big risks of teens having sex are the STDs and pregnancy, which aren't in anyway affected by the location the sex occurs in.

 

ETA: I am not however saying that not inviting him to spend the night is going to prevent sex from happening.  I only mean that it's going to send the message to your dd that you are cool with her having sex.  If she's already having sex, she's probably going to continue whether you approve or not. 

 

 

 

 

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#4 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 10:49 AM
 
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My 17yo knows that I will accept her decision when she is eady. But... I'm sorry - it's not going to be under my roof.


 

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#5 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 11:04 AM
 
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Hmm, I don't want to say too much because I'm less anonymous than some of you..... but my dd is 17. She keeps a 3.8 GPA and has a steady boyfriend. We've talked, she has good medical well woman care and I think she's a great kid. I do provide some time for them to be alone as a couple together but I don't allow overnights. That crosses a line with someone else's kid as far as my world view goes.
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#6 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 11:11 AM
 
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i'd stop speaking about this to other people.  this is especially important if he's over 18 and she's under the age of consent where you live.  you don't want the guy getting arrested on statutory rape charges because people have heard he's over there having sex with her.

 

also, it's sort of odd you'd want to share this information with anyone.  you're essentially gossiping about her sex life.


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#7 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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Have you read this article: "The smart Dutch take on teen sex" ?

 

Teenagers having sex at home with the parent's consent does not mean higher pregnancy or STD rates.


Happily married, with DS 08.2010
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#8 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 11:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoamingWidgeteer View Post

Have you read this article: "The smart Dutch take on teen sex" ?

 

Teenagers having sex at home with the parent's consent does not mean higher pregnancy or STD rates.



But that does not mean parents have to allow it.

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#9 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 12:54 PM
 
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Well, to each their own. Personally, I wouldn't allow a boy or girl friend to spend the night at that age unless there was some very valid reason they needed to stay AND they were staying in a different room.

 

For me it's not really about encouraging or not encouraging. It's my house and I really don't want my child screwing someone in the next room whether I like the person or not. I think DH and I have a right to that boundary. Does it mean I expect my children to be virgins until they get married? No. Do I want them well informed and have access to birth control? Yes. Does it mean that I'm some tyrant who doesn't give her child any freedom? Of course not! I'm just not comfortable with an underage child sharing a bed with a partner in my home. It's my home. I get to be the comfortable one lol.


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#10 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 01:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catubodua View Postalso, it's sort of odd you'd want to share this information with anyone.  you're essentially gossiping about her sex life.

 

I don't have an opinion on the sleep over issue. We aren't there yet and I'm not sure how I'll feel when we are.

 

But I agree that it's not appropriate for you to discuss this with others. It is gossiping. In an ideal world, sex is a private matter. Her aunt, your friends, etc don't need to know. Talking to other people about it seems disrespectful of her, and it's just asking people to judge her.
 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#11 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 07:29 PM
 
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I'm a little confused why there is the assumption that having a significant other spend the night will *in any way* effect if/when the couple was having sex.  The couple in the OP is *already* having sex, they are obviously not looking for exclusively sex by spending the night.  Personally, I really like actually sleeping with DP.  I always have.  In some ways, I could see the opposite arguement--- that having someone sleep over introduces the idea that it is *not* all about sex--- that there is time for companionship, cuddling, etc...

 

Ask me how I feel about it in 4 years, though, lol.

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#12 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 08:57 PM
 
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I think you made the wrong decision. Did you talk to the other parents first?  I wonder what they think about your decision and how it impacts their son?  What if your daughter gets pregnant? And you let them have overnights at your house?  

 

I'd have a serious issue with a parent who let my son spend the night, knowing he would have sex with her daughter. I know that statistically, my son is likely to have sex as a teenager.  Still.  It's just not appropriate for another parent to invite him over to do it.  It doesn't matter at all whether you like the kid.  It doesn't matter whether you think they're already doing it.  

 

I think you should back track.  Tell the kids you've thought it over, realized you made a mistake, and you can't have boy/girl sleepovers anymore.  And I think you should hope his parents have the same point of view that you did, because if they don't, and they find out, I think they'll be quite upset.

 

 

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#13 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 09:36 PM
 
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I don't think it's an issue. If the boy is gone all night I'd assume his parents knew where he was and they were ok with it. If they don't know where he is then him sleeping at your house is probably less of an issue than him lying. If you know they're already having sex does it really matter where? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to do it at home instead of in a car where they could get fined for indecent exposure? And from my view sleepovers don't always mean sex. I had sleepovers with DH all the time in high school and college and I was a virgin until we got married. It was nice just to sleep next to someone though.
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#14 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 09:51 PM
 
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I think that a teen being honest with a parent about being sexual active is a privileged conversation, and I don't think that the parent has any obligation to share that information with anyone, including the other teens parents.

If you want to know what is going on with your kids, it's really up to you to build that relationship. If you fail to do that, then it's not anyone else job to tell you.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#15 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 10:15 PM
 
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Hang on here - I believe the OP said that she mentioned to her sister that the boyfriend spent the night. A lot of inferences about gossiping about sex have been made when that wasn't in the original post. I could easily see how the boyfriend came up in casual conversation ('well, we have to make sure Jack gets home before we can meet you"), and the sister getting upset about the fact that the boyfriend spent the night.

 

Personally, I haven't a clue what I'd do. I like the European approach intellectually, but emotionally, I'm very much a product of my culture, and the thought of my kids having sex in my house while they're teens is a bit much for me. Right now my kids are too young for it to matter, and I strongly suspect it might not be an issue early (we're kind of high on the nerdy scale in our family). Once they're in college, I have an easier time with it.

 

OP, it sounds to me like you're OK with where you dd is at, that the kids themselves are practicing safe sex. So, I vote for not changing things (it's kind of hard to revoke the privilege of him staying over once it's happened), and keeping your relatives in the dark.


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#16 of 127 Old 04-05-2011, 11:41 PM
 
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As someone who came from a home where premarital sex was discouraged and my boyfriend (we were semi-long distance) was never allowed to share my bed (we were 19 and in college...) during the breaks/summer, I think you are doing a fantastic job. I've always maintained that, given my upbringing, I will be the parent who is open about sex and will readily provide birth control, condoms and alone time (yes, even sleepovers) once my kids are the legal age of consent. I'm sure when I have kids I will alter my ideas on many things, but I hope deeply that this is not one of those things because I've studied psychology; it is SO easy to unknowingly teach teens that sex is shameful, and I don't think that allowing your DD's boyfriend to stay over is condoning it. You're merely accepting that she is a young woman making her own choices, and to be frank, if someone is old enough to have sex there is no reason that sharing a bed is scandalous and inappropriate. 

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#17 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 12:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

My 17yo knows that I will accept her decision when she is eady. But... I'm sorry - it's not going to be under my roof.


Well, unless you are under your roof 100% of the time, and in the same room they are in day and night, it very well might be under your roof.  If we polled everyone on mdc (or anywhere) I bet a good portion of us had sex in our house and/or in our boyfriend's house as teenagers.  After school, when you are at the grocery store, before you get home from work, while you are at (insert wherever you go).  I was on the honor roll, never smoked or did drugs, parents and teachers loved me - and I had sex in my house and his house. 

 

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#18 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 08:45 AM
 
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Letting someone sleep over does not encourage sex.  Speaking as someone who had sex at 16, you don't need to have the blessing of your parents to have sex under their roof. 

 

My parents likely figured I was sexually active.  My boyfriend was allowed to spend the night, when I was 16, but he was to sleep downstairs on the couch.  And, he did.  Not that we didn't get an opportunity to have sex either.  We just had to be creative.  Be resourceful.  Stay awake later than my parents at times.  He was sleeping over not for the purpose of having sex, at least in my parents eyes.  The reason he was allowed to stay over was for safety, if it was too late, or for other lame excuses we gave, that they in theory bought or chose to accept.  

 

I think that, for me, openly having a conversation about sex, protection, and the ramifications of a whole range of related issues, is a great thing to have with your kids.  I don't necessarily think you have to provide, knowingly, a venue for their experimentation.  They'll find a way.  Seriously.  Day or night, and not necessarily allocated to a bed.  Teenagers, at least way back when I was that young, thought outside of the box, and didn't necessarily need the comfort of a bed, or the night, like some of us with old bodies do.

 

Sleeping over is fine.  Let him sleep on the couch.  

 

 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Honey693 View Post

I don't think it's an issue. If the boy is gone all night I'd assume his parents knew where he was and they were ok with it. If they don't know where he is then him sleeping at your house is probably less of an issue than him lying. If you know they're already having sex does it really matter where? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to do it at home instead of in a car where they could get fined for indecent exposure? And from my view sleepovers don't always mean sex. I had sleepovers with DH all the time in high school and college and I was a virgin until we got married. It was nice just to sleep next to someone though.

 

ITA

 

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Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post


Well, unless you are under your roof 100% of the time, and in the same room they are in day and night, it very well might be under your roof.  If we polled everyone on mdc (or anywhere) I bet a good portion of us had sex in our house and/or in our boyfriend's house as teenagers.  After school, when you are at the grocery store, before you get home from work, while you are at (insert wherever you go).  I was on the honor roll, never smoked or did drugs, parents and teachers loved me - and I had sex in my house and his house. 

 



Thanks.  And it doesn't sound like it was influenced in the least by having boyfriend be able/not be able to sleep over.

 

 


 

 

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#20 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 10:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

But that does not mean parents have to allow it.


True. But it means that when parents DO allow it, there is less likelihood of an unwanted pregnancy or std.

 

So, I guess it's a trade off between the what is best for the teen - avoiding pregnancy and stds - or what is best for the parent - avoiding the discomfort of accepting that your teen is having sex.
 

 

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#21 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 12:52 PM
 
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True. But it means that when parents DO allow it, there is less likelihood of an unwanted pregnancy or std.

 

So, I guess it's a trade off between the what is best for the teen - avoiding pregnancy and stds - or what is best for the parent - avoiding the discomfort of accepting that your teen is having sex.
 

 


How exactly is there less likelihood of an unplanned pregnancy or STD if parents allow their kids to have sex at home?  There's a lot of variables there, so I'm curious.

 

We are not in this stage, but I do wonder, reading these posts, if folks feel that their children should have a right to expect that their parents will give them time, accommodations, and privacy to have sex with their boyfriends/girlfriends at home?  I personally would never have expected this of my parents, nor do I think I would have wanted it.    I have a good relationship with my parents, no shaming, etc.  To me, this was part of growing up and moving on....getting out of the house and having privacy to conduct certain parts of my life, including my relationships, by myself.  Maybe my boundaries are different.

 

I also don't think that it's a huge deal for kids to have to be a little more creative or determined if they absolutely  want to have sex together.    Maybe it adds to the "think twice about it" idea.  I'm sure I'll get flak for saying so, but am I missing something?

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#22 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 02:05 PM
 
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I think there's a big difference between accepting that a teen will have sex, and approving of it.  I accept that my 15 year old my choose to have sex before she graduates high school.  We have had discussions,  she certainly knows the mechanics and the risks and so on, and accept that she may very well decide to have sex anyway.

 

But that doesn't mean I have to approve of it.  That doesn't mean that I teach that sex is shameful or wrong or anything like that.  I am trying to teach her that the risks are not worth the benefits at this time and that I don't think it's a risk she should be taking right now.  And I feel that providing location and opportunity says that the risk is ok to take now. 

 

To me, it's like an adult child smoking.  I don't like smoke, I don't want it in my house.  So, once my kids are adults, if they decide to smoke, they aren't allowed to do it in my house.  That doesn't mean that I am ashamed of them or anything like that, I just don't approve of them smoking and I don't want it in my house.

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#23 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 07:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by karne View Post

How exactly is there less likelihood of an unplanned pregnancy or STD if parents allow their kids to have sex at home?  There's a lot of variables there, so I'm curious.


In conversations with my kids and books we have at home, my DD have been introduced the range of options for birthcontrol. We've had talks about sex and how to make decisions about sex. We talked about which forms of birthcontrol are available over the counter and which ones require a trip to the doctor and a prescription. I've made it very clear to the that I have their insurance cards and prescription cards, and if, at any point in the future, they want to use a prescription form of birth control, they can just say so and I'll help them arrange it. I've also pointed out where condoms  are sold (in stores we go to all the time) and how very inexpensive they are, and how they require no pre-planning or chats with anyone else.

 

I think that because of my frank conversations with my kids and the information and acceptance they have, they will be more likely to use protection than they might other wise.

 

I think that a kid who knows his/her parents will FREAK OUT if they find out they are having sex, will be less likely to get birthcontrol in the first place because of the shame factor, may have trouble getting the type of BC they prefer because of cost/access to doctor/etc., and may have trouble having the BC with them because they are spending a lot of energy hiding it (owning BC is a huge offense in some families).
 

I also think that kids that are raised in an atmosphere of trust and acceptance on this issue will feel less shame, and there fore be able to speak up for themselves better, buy BC for themselves, etc.


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#24 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 09:03 PM
 
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Well, I dont have a teen, but I have two teen sisters and I wanted to share an experience that I had growing up with you. My best friend's mother always allowed coed sleepovers and she (grr...this is happening AGAIN. I cant turn off italics) is the only person that I was friends with in high school that married their high school sweetheart. Her parents always loved her bf and were super supportative of their relationship and now BFF's mom has a super happy daughter and a loving, wonderful son in law, whom she gets along with wonderfully. She is the ONLY one of my friends mom's from high school who has this relationship with her daughter or her son in law. It seems like its just one more way to allow your daughter to be honest about who she is, which I think is very important, especially in her own house.

 

My sisters and I have always had to lie about our relationships to our parents. In fact, because my mother was so opposed to me having sex before marriage, DH and I went to great lengths to hide the fact that we lived together for SIX YEARS before we were married.


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#25 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 09:27 PM
 
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My mom always told me that when I decide to have sex, it is definitely MY decision.  She refused to buy me a purity ring when I went through a phase of never wanting to have sex before marriage because she didn't want to be part of such a strict rule about sex for me.  Sure, she'd have liked if I waited but she was more concerned with me being true to myself, and SAFE once I decided to have sex.

 

As a teen, I had to work on weekends but my family always went up to the land they own for camping and hunting (my family processes all their own meat.)  She knew I'd have my boyfriend over.  She never SAID so in so many words nor did she ever approve of it, but it was always a 'I know its happening and there isn't anything I can do about it so lets not talk about it since I know you are safe' kind of thing.  When I was 17, she had left banana bread for me and my then boyfriend.  Banana bread is a breakfast food in my family so it was pretty obvious the intentions hehe.

 

With that said though, I wasn't allowed co ed sleep overs unless the boys were in a separate room.  In fact, I only had one on prom night.  Boys slept on couches upstairs and the girls slept on a futon downstairs.  I also had a boyfriend come along on a camping trip... he had to sleep in a tent with my brother rather than me.  Yes, my mom knew I was having sex and accepted it as fact.  She was happy to know I was safe and liked the guys I dated (including the ones I didn't have sex with.)  However she wasn't interested in hosting sleep overs.

 

honestly, had she allowed them to sleep over, there is no way I could have had sex.  It would have freaked me out for her to possibly hear us.  Hell, I'm married with a kid and it STILL freaks me out when we stay at her place... and I know she's cool about sex!  But, I'm pretty private about it.  I can talk about it with my friends in great detail but I prefer no one but my husband to know when we actually have sex or to hear us during.

 

I don't think it is wrong to allow the sleepover.  They might not want to have sex with you in the house and prefer the house to themselves for full privacy like I did.  Or maybe they feel really respected that you understand their relationship is a serious one and not just a silly fling.  Maybe they tell their friends 'ha, my mom actually LETS me have him sleep over so we can have sex!  Does she not KNOW?!' but i'm guessing its more of a normal 'well, we've been together, we're serious, we've been having sex for a while so why wouldn't we be able to share a room?' kind of a deal.

 

I don't know that i'd do it... I can see myself more like my mom... not disproving of sex, but not interested in boys sleeping over either but I can definitely understand why parents might be okay with it.  I think the initial reaction is worse than the situation actually is.

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#26 of 127 Old 04-06-2011, 09:47 PM
 
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See, you say you don't teach it as shameful or wrong, but I would inclined to disagree. You directly compare something that is a fun, healthy, intimate way to express love (sex) with something dirty that kills you and has no benefits (smoking).

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

I think there's a big difference between accepting that a teen will have sex, and approving of it.  I accept that my 15 year old my choose to have sex before she graduates high school.  We have had discussions,  she certainly knows the mechanics and the risks and so on, and accept that she may very well decide to have sex anyway.

 

But that doesn't mean I have to approve of it.  That doesn't mean that I teach that sex is shameful or wrong or anything like that.  I am trying to teach her that the risks are not worth the benefits at this time and that I don't think it's a risk she should be taking right now.  And I feel that providing location and opportunity says that the risk is ok to take now. 

 

To me, it's like an adult child smoking.  I don't like smoke, I don't want it in my house.  So, once my kids are adults, if they decide to smoke, they aren't allowed to do it in my house.  That doesn't mean that I am ashamed of them or anything like that, I just don't approve of them smoking and I don't want it in my house.



 

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#27 of 127 Old 04-07-2011, 05:22 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 


In conversations with my kids and books we have at home, my DD have been introduced the range of options for birthcontrol. We've had talks about sex and how to make decisions about sex. We talked about which forms of birthcontrol are available over the counter and which ones require a trip to the doctor and a prescription. I've made it very clear to the that I have their insurance cards and prescription cards, and if, at any point in the future, they want to use a prescription form of birth control, they can just say so and I'll help them arrange it. I've also pointed out where condoms  are sold (in stores we go to all the time) and how very inexpensive they are, and how they require no pre-planning or chats with anyone else.

 

I think that because of my frank conversations with my kids and the information and acceptance they have, they will be more likely to use protection than they might other wise.

 

I think that a kid who knows his/her parents will FREAK OUT if they find out they are having sex, will be less likely to get birthcontrol in the first place because of the shame factor, may have trouble getting the type of BC they prefer because of cost/access to doctor/etc., and may have trouble having the BC with them because they are spending a lot of energy hiding it (owning BC is a huge offense in some families).
 

I also think that kids that are raised in an atmosphere of trust and acceptance on this issue will feel less shame, and there fore be able to speak up for themselves better, buy BC for themselves, etc.

I get it.  I have the same conversation and same attitude w/my dd, and I will with my ds as well.  I haven't come down on which side I am yet on this issue-we aren't there yet, and I have learned that what I think at one point can change based upon real life circumstances, so I'll leave it at that.

 

But, I don't know how providing space, time and privacy for teens to have sex at home decreases STD's or unplanned pregnancy.    I guess you could assume that at home a teen would have access to birth control that wasn't something along the lines of a birth control pill, and would always have a ready supply of condoms to reduce chances of STD infection.  Is this the thinking?  It seems like there's more to the issue of unplanned preganacy and STD's than this.

 

FWIW, neither I or my DH had parents who encouraged their kids to have sex at home.  You're talking big, Catholic families here.  We have very, very good relationships with our parents, so do our siblings, so I don't think that their expectations for their home, or kids, really impacted that. None of were saints either.  I believe it's very possible to be open, frank, supportive, not freak out about your kid's sexuality, and still not feel quite OK with opening your home for the explicit purpose of making space for your kids to have sex.  

 

I don't think that because one chooses not to create a welcoming environment in their home for their teens to have sex, it follows that you are freaking out about your kids deciding to become sexually active.  Like a pp said, your teen could choose to do lots of things-smoke, drink, take drugs, that are ultimately their choice, and their responsibility.  It doesn't follow that a loving, involved, realistic parent then chooses to welcome that in their home.
 

 

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#28 of 127 Old 04-07-2011, 05:49 AM
 
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I was raised by my father and I was allowed to have a boyfriend sleep over.

Kind of hilariously, but we never had sex while he slept over because I didn't want to gross my dad out or make him uncomfortable if he heard anything, ha!

My dad was fully accepting of my blossoming sexuality... when that boyfriend and I broke up a year or so later, my dad was there to comfort me and help me through it. I feel like the way he handled that situation start to finish, so to speak, was flawless. He validated that my relationship, even though I was a teenager, had deep meaning and importance to me. He didn't trivialize it when I was in the throes of the relationship, and thus during the trauma of break-up, he didn't trivialize the pain and hurt I was experiencing.

In hindsight I've laughed with my dad over that relationship, "puppy love". His way of describing it was that he knew as an adult with years more experience then I'd have, that that relationship was a drop in a bucket compared to what was to come, but for me in those very moments, that was what was most real and powerful, and that it would have been disrespectful for him to not validate that. That's not to say that he HAD to allow sleep-overs. I think it was his way of validating the "seriousness" of the relationship for me.

I'm not sure one way or another what I'll do in that situation. I think there are legitimate pros and cons to each side/option.. and ultimately all we can do is try to make the right decision for our family and ourselves. I think if having teenage sleepovers of this nature is going to make a parent super uncomfortable and unhappy (i.e. if they have to force themselves to not object) that may actually be bad in the long run- it could cause resentment issues from the parent towards their child's partner and that's never a good thing.

 

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#29 of 127 Old 04-07-2011, 08:15 AM
 
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Ok, seriously, I took smoking as the first thing I could think of right off the top of my head that I don't approve of.  And actually, I have never actually compared smoking and sex to my child.  It was just an example I used here to illustrate a point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KaylaBeanie View Post

See, you say you don't teach it as shameful or wrong, but I would inclined to disagree. You directly compare something that is a fun, healthy, intimate way to express love (sex) with something dirty that kills you and has no benefits (smoking).

 



 


The way I have actually discussed it with her?  From the standpoint of the experiences we have both had.  As in "our life was not easy those first few years.  Do you really want to take the risk of ending up in the same situation?"  And before we talk about protection making that risk less, she was conceived while using protection.  And she knows that. 

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#30 of 127 Old 04-07-2011, 08:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Well, I dont have a teen, but I have two teen sisters and I wanted to share an experience that I had growing up with you. My best friend's mother always allowed coed sleepovers and she (grr...this is happening AGAIN. I cant turn off italics) is the only person that I was friends with in high school that married their high school sweetheart. Her parents always loved her bf and were super supportative of their relationship and now BFF's mom has a super happy daughter and a loving, wonderful son in law, whom she gets along with wonderfully. She is the ONLY one of my friends mom's from high school who has this relationship with her daughter or her son in law. It seems like its just one more way to allow your daughter to be honest about who she is, which I think is very important, especially in her own house.

 

I can understand this story.  While our BF's were not allowed to sleep over, my parents were very open with us about sex, and we were open with them.  I only ever had ONE boyfriend, whom I dated for 7 years and then married.  He was my only sexual partner.  My sister dated her husband 10 yrs before marrying him, he was her only sexual partner.  And the same can be said about my younger sister.  We are all still with our BF's (now husbands) from H.S.  I think because our parents made us feel comfortable about our sexuality, we didn't have to go around sleeping with tons of guys at a young age, and found our one true loves quite early in life.  I feel fortunate for this.

 

My parents were teen parents.  They saw being open as a way to prevent us from getting pregnant young like they did.  While they knew that we would be having sex with our boyfriends, our boyfriends were not allowed to sleep over.  I personally wouldn't want to have sex as a teen with my BF knowing my parents were in the next room, or somewhere in the house.  Even now, as a married adult with kids of my own, if I have an over night guest, I feel weird having sex with my DH.  My BF did not spend the night at my house until I was in college, and he had to move an hour away.  We would see each other on the weekends, and he would sleep with me at my Dad's house.  However, my Dad was usually at his GF's house, so it didn't bother either of us that my BF was there for the night.

 

When my children are teenagers, I will not allow their GF's to sleep over or allow them to sleep at a GF's home (I only have boys right now).  While I am assuming they are going to have sex as a teen, I do not believe they need to be doing it at my home, while I am there.  They are under age and I find it inappropriate to have a GF/BF sleep over.  Why would they need to anyways?  If they go to the same school, they'll live in the same town, and the GF/BF can just go sleep at their own home, with his/her parents.  Unless it is a long distance thing, there's no need for them to be playing house, while I'm at home.  I'm going to assume though, that they may have sex in my home when I'm not there, and I guess that's okay as I would trust my son or daughter to be safe.

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