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Old 06-07-2011, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My DSD wants to get in facebook to stay connected to her friends as were moving 2 hours away. I don't feel good about it but husband says he'll have her password and keep her safe. Her mom is fine w it. Husband told her he'd give give her an answer in 1 hour. I need quick advice. She's 11. What's ur experience. Another cOmplicating factor - my daughter is ten and shell want a fb page too.

Thoughts?
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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Facebook doesn't even allow you to have a page if you are under 13.  Problem solved. 

 

ETA: Obviously you could make one anyway, but then you'd be teaching them it's ok to break rules, ect.

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Old 06-07-2011, 11:49 AM
 
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I was very anti-FB for younger kids until my exH went behind my back and let our DS (age 10 at the time) have one.  We actually haven't had any problems.  We each have his password and check in often.  It ended up being no big deal. 


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Old 06-07-2011, 12:11 PM
 
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DD got one at 13. Well, I think it was actually about a week before she turned 13. The rule is, I am her "friend" and I have her passwords until she graduates from high school. It's been a great way for her to keep up with her theatre friends who don't go to her school, who are just as busy with her and who may not get to do an actual show together more than once or twice a year. She interacts with DH and I a good deal through facebook, sharing links to funny things, leaving funny comments on our wall. I do occasionally go through her friend list to make sure they are all people we know. If I suspect trouble, I have no qualms about going through her messages just as I'd check her room for drugs if I had any suspicion of that. However, it's been a big positive for her and really, the main way kids interact in our area.... more so than texting or phone.

 

Honestly, I'd probably hold off with an 11-year-old. In our experience, 10/11/12 are the most abusive online years (and the hardest years for kids to handle it.) Our DD had some cyber-bully attempts when she was 11 (fortunately, these weren't SMART 11-year-olds who were leaving nasty messages on MY accounts thinking they were DD's... DD didn't even have any online accounts at that time.) That hasn't been an issue since. I have a 10-year-old and we plan on waiting until 13. He's shown no real interest.

 

However, you many not have much say with dad and mom on board. I'd just make sure to use the safe guards. Make her un-searchable and she can only get friends if SHE requests them. Make sure her default setting are "friends only" for posts, pictures, ect. Check these settings as facebook sometimes makes changes and your settings go funky. Anyone questionable, block.


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Old 06-07-2011, 12:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seacat View Post

My DSD wants to get in facebook to stay connected to her friends as were moving 2 hours away.


 

IMHO, get her the account and keep on eye on it.

 

You are uprooting her from her friends, and she doesn't have any control over that. While it's just 2 hours to you, as far as she is concerned, you might was well be moving to the moon.

 

Both my kids have accounts and we haven't had any problems. All privacy settings are set, we keep on eye on things, they are friends with several of their teachers at school!  They are only allowed to be friends with people they know IRL.

 

(honestly, at 11, chances are that very few of her friends even have accounts. I recommend setting up Skype for her, which both my kids enjoy more with their long distance friends).

 

Plus, her mom and dad are fine with it. It's not your call.

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 06-07-2011, 12:31 PM
 
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I think you should leave the decision to Mom & Dad.

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Old 06-07-2011, 04:03 PM
 
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My oldest got an account when she went into Grade 6.  She was not quite 11(her birthday is in Nov).

 

My middle dd will get one when she goes into Grade 6.  She will be 11.5

 

My youngest will be 10.5 when my middle one gets one, just becuase she is 1 year younger & will want one does not mean she will get one.

 

We haven't had any issues with my oldest & her account.  She is 12.5

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Old 06-07-2011, 04:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bandgeek View Post

Facebook doesn't even allow you to have a page if you are under 13.  Problem solved. 

 

ETA: Obviously you could make one anyway, but then you'd be teaching them it's ok to break rules, ect.



I'm with bandgeek.  There's a good reason for 13 being the youngest age.  I let my ds make his on his 13th birthday and yes, I do have his password.  The temptations that are there to let your info out are subtle, like you'll see these posts that say "this friend answered these questions about you: is Sheri cute?" etc. and if you click on that to see the answers you give permission for all kinds of info. to be collected from your site.

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Old 06-07-2011, 04:55 PM
 
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My 11yo wants one as well. I am making her wait even though a ton of her friends have one. Mainly because you have to be 13 and she is not. You have a good reason with the move and I would have to reconsider if that were something that came up. I think if her mom and your Dh are on board you will just have to be careful and keep a eye on her account. It may all go just fine. I know my DDs school they all get fb accounts at the start of 7th grade along with laptops. It is really the just the day and age and at 30 it still seems weird to me. 


~Katie~ married to J, mom to DD- A 13 yrs ,DS- L 7yrs , and my little nursling DD2- R 5yrs.

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Old 06-07-2011, 08:30 PM
 
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I know there is a website called www.LockItTight.com which provide a monitor tool to track your lost PC. I have been using it to check my kids behavior w/o check her pc everyday. I have been using it for a year and very convenient. Actually there is a sibling site called www.JuniorWatch.com which is specialized for monitoring kids too.

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Old 06-11-2011, 02:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dancianna View Post





I'm with bandgeek.  There's a good reason for 13 being the youngest age.  I let my ds make his on his 13th birthday and yes, I do have his password.  The temptations that are there to let your info out are subtle, like you'll see these posts that say "this friend answered these questions about you: is Sheri cute?" etc. and if you click on that to see the answers you give permission for all kinds of info. to be collected from your site.

 

 

This is what I hate most about my dd's FB acct.  You have to jump through a million hoops to find out the answer to what the friend said.  And some of the questions are mean, such as, "Do you think that _________________________ is really, really stupid?" 
 

 


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Old 06-11-2011, 02:39 PM
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Double-posted
 

 


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Old 06-11-2011, 07:47 PM
 
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I told my 11 year old dd that she won't have a FB account until she is 13. I don't add FB friends who are under 13 either.

I thought about it a lot and I don't want my dd to think it is okay to lie about her age and break the rules just to be on an internet site intended for older people.

I think FB is kind of a time waster and doesn't promote a lot of real conversations and interactions.

I'd rather allow my dd to actually call friends or use e-mail to keep in touch.


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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Old 06-12-2011, 01:06 PM
 
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This is what I hate most about my dd's FB acct.  You have to jump through a million hoops to find out the answer to what the friend said.  And some of the questions are mean, such as, "Do you think that _________________________ is really, really stupid?" 
 

 


Yeah.  I couldn't remember good examples but I felt that the questions themselves were creepy.

 

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Old 06-12-2011, 07:49 PM
 
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We are also having DD wait until she is 13 for a facebook account.  It's rather annoying to her because she is young for her grade so most of her friends already have accounts (she is in 7th grade, so the majority have had their 13th birthdays).

 

Does your DSD have access to a phone?  Can she stay in touch that way?  DD occasionally texts her friends who have moved out of the area.  She does also have an email account.


 

 

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Old 06-21-2011, 12:05 AM
 
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oh boy.  well - i don't know why but i wasn't getting notified of these replies.  i'll have to look into that.  so i'd read the first several responses and then we decided to let her get the FB account.  now - after reading about some of the weird questions - i'm worried.  i'll have to keep a close eye on it.  and i totally agree that it's a time waster and not deep.  i rarely use my account because i feel like the meaningful things i'd like to say don't have a way to be heard - and that people usually don't talk about meaningful things.  but there you have it - i also think that kids will be exposed to these things one way or another - or at one point or another.  so - i'll monitor and try to educate.  we'll see how it goes.  also - does anyone know why this post isn't listed on my accounts page with the other posts i've made over the years?  

 

THanks for all the thoughtful responses.  very helpful

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Old 06-21-2011, 07:34 AM
 
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I think that the weird questions are a FB app called question party.  My mom and a whole bunch of others have apparently answered questions about me.  I try to ignore them, honestly, just like I ignore invites on FB from my cousin's ds to join Farmville and other FB games/apps.  Maybe you can put some controls like that in -- tell her that she can't play FB games or use any apps.

 

I actually wasn't aware that you had to be 13 to get an account.  I joined to keep in touch with a friend who seems to communicate solely through FB now (we live in different states).  I've reconnected with some of my cousins with whom I otherwise wouldn't be in touch much as well.  My "friends" are limited to people I actually know, though.  They aren't imaginary friends.  I do have two friends who are definitely under 13 though: the cousin's child and my friend's child.

 

A lot of you mentioned your kids having FB accounts below age 13.  Did you let them lie about their ages?

 

 

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Old 06-21-2011, 08:37 AM
 
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You can block those games and apps as they pop up.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by seacatnp View Post

oh boy.  well - i don't know why but i wasn't getting notified of these replies.  i'll have to look into that.  so i'd read the first several responses and then we decided to let her get the FB account.  now - after reading about some of the weird questions - i'm worried.  i'll have to keep a close eye on it.  and i totally agree that it's a time waster and not deep.  i rarely use my account because i feel like the meaningful things i'd like to say don't have a way to be heard - and that people usually don't talk about meaningful things.  but there you have it - i also think that kids will be exposed to these things one way or another - or at one point or another.  so - i'll monitor and try to educate.  we'll see how it goes.  also - does anyone know why this post isn't listed on my accounts page with the other posts i've made over the years?  

 

THanks for all the thoughtful responses.  very helpful



 


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Old 06-21-2011, 06:00 PM
 
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I think you should leave the decision to Mom & Dad.



That...


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Old 06-22-2011, 10:27 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat View Post

I told my 11 year old dd that she won't have a FB account until she is 13. I don't add FB friends who are under 13 either.

I thought about it a lot and I don't want my dd to think it is okay to lie about her age and break the rules just to be on an internet site intended for older people.

I think FB is kind of a time waster and doesn't promote a lot of real conversations and interactions.

I'd rather allow my dd to actually call friends or use e-mail to keep in touch.


Ah, I wish I'd thought of that. I'm FB friends with 2 nephews, both under 13 y.o. when they signed on.  I supposed I could unFriend them.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by seacatnp View Post  also - does anyone know why this post isn't listed on my accounts page with the other posts i've made over the years?  


I don't know but it's been happening to me as well.  headscratch.gif


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Old 06-22-2011, 12:50 PM
 
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Quote:
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A lot of you mentioned your kids having FB accounts below age 13.  Did you let them lie about their ages?

 

 



Yep. DD wasn't quite 13 and I let her fudge her age because there was an immediate reason for her to be on facebook as opposed to waiting for her birthday. The age guideline is not about protecting kids (if so, why not just make it 18) but about the company protecting itself from liability. I just accept the liability  and really don't stress about the fact they think DD is a week older than she actually is. It's really easy to claim perfection in rule following online where no one can point out the 20 minutes you parked in the 15 minute zone (YOU didn't do this... just an observation from boards like this in general.) Don't even bother trying to shame me posts because I'm perfectly comfortable with our choice and let's not act like my kids are now big liars and criminals because they are not even close lol.

 

 


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Old 06-22-2011, 01:08 PM
 
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Don't even bother trying to shame me posts because I'm perfectly comfortable with our choice and let's not act like my kids are now big liars and criminals because they are not even close lol.

 

 



ROTFLMAO.gif  I let my kids lie, too.

 

Part of my deal is that I was raised by fundementalist Christians for whom EVERY thing is punished by eternal damnation. One of my goals is to be more honest with my kids about what actually matters and what doesn't, and being able to think through that themselves. Lying about age on a social network doesn't matter. It DOES matter than you are only friends with people on social network that you know IRL. This matters, a lot.

 

My experience in my own life was that since my parents made such a huge deal about EVERYTHING, it left me with nothing. Putting "being on Facebook before 13" in the same category as "cocaine" is just, IMHO, silly.

 

I drove 40 in a 35 this morning. I broke the law. And no one cares.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 06-22-2011, 01:31 PM
 
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 Don't even bother trying to shame me posts because I'm perfectly comfortable with our choice and let's not act like my kids are now big liars and criminals because they are not even close lol.

 

 


I'm not trying to shame you.  One week is more of a white lie in my book and there are times where I am fine with bending the truth in small amounts.  My cousin's nephew is about 10 and I know that he's been on FB for at least a year b/c he's been my friend that long.  I'd count on him having been on longer b/c he had hundreds of friends by the time I got a friend request from him.

 

I guess that I'm trying to figure out what parents of kids in that age range tell their kids when allowing that degree of rule breaking and where one draws the line.
 

 

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Old 06-22-2011, 02:37 PM
 
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Oh, I know you weren't. I was just heading off the people who will be eager to respond at the pass lol. There is always someone who likes to say they've never lied or broken a rule in their life. One of me SIL's is like that. She's a rule follower for all the WRONG reasons. She isn't empathetic or compassionate. She doesn't follow the rules because she cares about the welfare of others. She does it because she thinks it's her way into heaven (and that is not a religion slam...  plenty of religious folk would be mortified by that singular mind set too!) Right and wrong are unemotional and non-pondered things to her but to me, the true rights and wrongs are incredibly emotional and require lots of thought.

 

My goal with my kids is to raise compassionate people who care about the welfare of others. If I succeed, they'll know when they have to be perfect and prevent any harm to another and when to be imperfect and only risk themselves. Unfortunately, we don't get to be perfect all the time.

 

 

 

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I'm not trying to shame you.  One week is more of a white lie in my book and there are times where I am fine with bending the truth in small amounts.  My cousin's nephew is about 10 and I know that he's been on FB for at least a year b/c he's been my friend that long.  I'd count on him having been on longer b/c he had hundreds of friends by the time I got a friend request from him.

 

I guess that I'm trying to figure out what parents of kids in that age range tell their kids when allowing that degree of rule breaking and where one draws the line.
 

 



 


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Old 06-22-2011, 04:58 PM
 
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Yes, we let him lie about his age.  We also have taught him to lie when his siblings ask him about Santa and the Easter bunny.  We are sinners I tell ya!  winky.gif


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Old 06-22-2011, 10:47 PM
 
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I know you're over the 'quiick reply' but just wanted to add my ideas as well.  I did allow my daughter to get a fb a/c before she was 13 because she wanted to keep up with some of her siblings.  Her father is woeful at organising them to catch up with his other children and she missed them so much.  So a fb a/c was created, and I did remind them that it might be better to put her on a 'limited' profile.  It has been good, I haven't had a problem with her and her fb.  We often get to see each others fb as we share a laptop at times and forget to log out.  I do also check it from time to time, and laugh at the responses I get if some little teen tries to chat with her while I'm on her a/c - 'This is mum'  makes them duck out quickly!  I don't have my daughter as a friend or any teens - altho a lot of the youngsters apply - they like to 'collect' friends.  I have fb to keep up with friends and family who live near and far - even a few k's away is too far when you have a busy life.  I don't see why my daughter can't keep up with her friends the same way.  I use fb to keep an eye on what is happening around town with the youngsters and find it very useful. 

I think that there are many ways of communicating these days and it is doing a disservice to our kids to not let them become competent at it, but also you teach them how to keep themselves safe.  I also talk to her about why you do and don't say things online.  We had a discussion over internet usage at work - a lot of the people both older and younger than me are very wary of it and saying that everyone knows your business...we live in a very very small country town....there are no secrets lol!  Before there was fb there was gossip!  Yes, the internet gets things out there faster and to more people...but kids have learned to think about what they read and see on the internet more than some people do when they hear gossip. 

I think that the scary thing is when you hear of some young person who has been targeted by a predatory adult - but you know they mostly target those kids who are online at their friends place, and those who are hiding their online activity from their parents.  I had a young teen visiting my house say 'Oh you have a fb!'  My mum doesnt like it, but she lets me have one.  Now to me that is scary, as her mother has little idea about how it works and is less able to keep tabs on her daughters safety than someone who is more open about it.  My older teens used to be on msn chat with friends when they were younger ( before fb was invented) and I often had a look over their shoulder.  We had many useful discussions about safety of them and their friends during those times.  I look on it as an opportunity.  And let's face it - todays preteens are going to be running internet rings around us very shortly!  ;) Ali

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Old 06-27-2011, 04:30 AM
 
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I was hesitant about FB for our kids, too.  But I have an account and eventually realized how many of their friends already had accounts.  I think the kids were 10 and 14, when we finally let them sign up.  Here are our ground rules:

 

* DH and I must know their passwords.

* We are in charge of the privacy settings (and they're strict).

* Don't post about where you are right now.  If you go someplace wonderful, post about it afterward.

* Don't let friends post on your account.  Make them sign onto their own, if they have something to say.

* FB is not the place for anything negative.  No cutting down or griping about other people.  What you post online sticks around a lot longer than whiny thoughts do, in your head.

* Before you hit Enter, ask yourself whether what you're about to post is OK for your grandmother and your Great Aunt Patsy to read.  (They're FB friends, too!)

 

We do, indeed, log onto the kids' accounts periodically, to check that the privacy settings are the same; that they haven't befriended anyone we don't know (a kid from school we don't know would be OK, but not some random adult from Chicago, KWIM?); and what they and their friends are talking about.  Yes, it feels like spying.  But if you simply go to their Home page, while logged onto your own account, you won't see all the posts from their friends, or things they've posted and blocked you from seeing, or whether they've changed their privacy settings.  And they are still young, and we're responsible for them.

 

The only problems we've had are occasional use of bad words; and the twins' "friend" convincing them to let him post on their account (and he posted vicious, nasty things about other kids at school, which he never posts from his own account, since I assume the little coward is afraid of retaliation!)  We handled it by making the kids delete the problem posts; post an apology/explanation, when appropriate; talking about "netiquette"; and grounding them from FB for a while.  

 

Overall, the fun and the help connecting with their friends has been well worth the few problems we've had - which are, after all, learning experiences.


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Old 06-27-2011, 03:07 PM
 
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We made my firstborn wait until he was 13 and then required him to friend us. And you know what, facebook became so much more fun once he was on it -- we write on each others' walls all the time, he is in closer touch with relatives than he would be otherwise, I see what his friends are up to, etc. When my daughter started bugging us for a facebook page we agreed even though she was only 11 at the time, and I've never regretted it either. She is extremely introverted, so any avenue that gives her opportunities to socialize is fine with me.

 

My son did have one stalker-ish incident from an older man who was a friend of a friend. This man started posting more and more frequently on my son's wall and at first it seemed innocent but a little weird. There was never anything explicit, but it was just... weird, ya know? Then he sent my son a private message late at night that said "good night sweet prince, may angels sing thee to thy rest" -- which totally freaked my son out, especially since he did not recognize it as a quote. :-) He told us right away, immediately unfriended the guy, and was much the wiser for the experience.


16yo DS; 13yo DD; 9yo DS

Juuulie is offline  
 
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