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#1 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 11:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted your opinions on this issue where my husband and I disagree...

 

I sleep in a t-shirt and underwear.  My t-shirts aren't extra long, but they are always at or below my hips and underwear is "full coverage" (okay, yeah, they're granny panties!) so we're not talking about mid-drifts and thongs or anything.  Late at night when it's close to bed time, I will lay around in my bed watching TV or reading in my sleepwear.  Sometimes, I will walk around like that, like if I need to go to the bathroom or I need something from the kitchen, etc. 

 

I feel the sleepwear is pretty modest.  Really, the shirt covers most everything..maybe an underwear-covered cheek poking out from the bottom of the shirt is all you can see!  It certainly exposes less of my body than a bathing suit or less even than some girls dress in public with their short shorts and tube tops!  But my hubby thinks it is too much for our 11yo ds (who isn't even shy about running around in his boxer-briefs). 

 

I think having a casual attitude about family underwear is fine.  I mean, my dad will still briefly (no pun intended ;) come out of his bedroom in his boxers to grab some pants out of the dryer or something if I'm there, and I don't have any weird Oedipal complexes or anything.  I think DH making a deal out of it would be more harmful to DS's psyche and attitude about our bodies than catching a glimpse of mom's butt cheek ever would!  To be fair, DH does not mention the issue in front of DS, but he does fuss at me about it.

 

So, t-shirt and underwear appropriate in front of 11yo ds or not?

 

 

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#2 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 11:44 AM
 
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You know, it's such a family to family thing. I used to do the underwear and big t-shirt thing but I moved to pajama bottoms at some point.... I think around the time my eldest was 6 or 7 and we seemed to always have some other child sleeping at our house. DD stopped haning out in her underwear around 10. My current 10-year-old is the only one who hangs out in underwear and he wears boxer briefs that are more like shorts anyway.

 

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are sleeping in and I seriously doubt your DS even thinks about it. If it's something that bothers DH though, I'd probably just find some comfy sleep shorts. It's just not a big enough deal to me and it's always good to have some "reasonable, rational, compromising" credit built so when I have some odd ball issue, my DH is more inclined to do the same.

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#3 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 01:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nasubi77 View Post

I just wanted your opinions on this issue where my husband and I disagree...

 

I sleep in a t-shirt and underwear.  My t-shirts aren't extra long, but they are always at or below my hips and underwear is "full coverage" (okay, yeah, they're granny panties!) so we're not talking about mid-drifts and thongs or anything.  Late at night when it's close to bed time, I will lay around in my bed watching TV or reading in my sleepwear.  Sometimes, I will walk around like that, like if I need to go to the bathroom or I need something from the kitchen, etc. 

 

I feel the sleepwear is pretty modest.  Really, the shirt covers most everything..maybe an underwear-covered cheek poking out from the bottom of the shirt is all you can see!  It certainly exposes less of my body than a bathing suit or less even than some girls dress in public with their short shorts and tube tops!  But my hubby thinks it is too much for our 11yo ds (who isn't even shy about running around in his boxer-briefs). 

 

I think having a casual attitude about family underwear is fine.  I mean, my dad will still briefly (no pun intended ;) come out of his bedroom in his boxers to grab some pants out of the dryer or something if I'm there, and I don't have any weird Oedipal complexes or anything.  I think DH making a deal out of it would be more harmful to DS's psyche and attitude about our bodies than catching a glimpse of mom's butt cheek ever would!  To be fair, DH does not mention the issue in front of DS, but he does fuss at me about it.

 

So, t-shirt and underwear appropriate in front of 11yo ds or not?

 

 


Has your dh said why it makes him feel uncomfortable? Did he have a weird childhood experience or something?

It doesn't sound like your ds is very aware or bothered by it so I think this is purely a question of your dh being uncomfortable.

 

I think you should still sleep in whatever feels comfortable to you. You could compromise by slipping on shorts or a robe when you leave the bedroom.

 


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#4 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 01:52 PM
 
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I think that it should be a family decision. Normally I'd say when your son feels uncomfortable you'll know it and then you can take appropriate steps. But, to keep the arguments down, maybe just grab a super comfy and cute pair of shorts to walk around in until you actually slip into bed?


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#5 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 02:15 PM
 
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It depends on how far outside the cultural "norm" you're willing to go. Yes, if you go by 21st century American common practice, a mother wearing something like that in front of her son is probably borderline inappropriate.  However, I think that's kind of silly considering how many other cultures around the world commonly expose their breasts, and often genitalia, as part of their daily dress.  Our culture being so prudish about these sorts of things, I'm guessing your dh is picking up on this being a bit outside the norm, and that makes him uncomfortable 

 

If it's causing fights, I would try to find some longer sleepwear or throw on some shorts if I left the room. Of course, you could also educate him with some national geographic type footage on just how subjective this type of thing is.


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#6 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 02:18 PM
 
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Its a family decision, but your husband is a member of your family. I don't see what your big deal is about throwing on a pair of shorts or a bathrobe when you walk around your house. You know it bothers him, but you keep doing it because....... why?

 

Sleep in whatever you want, but cover your a$$ when you walk around the house.

 


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#7 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 02:41 PM
 
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This is weird... because if you had a DD, this wouldn't even matter. If I have all girls, I doubt I'll care what I wear. I saw my mom pretty much naked all the time when I was growing up. She wasn't weirded out about changing in front of us or whatever. I never saw my dad, though. I think he always had on pj pants. Geez. I honestly can't even remember what he wore around the house... I don't think I ever paid attention or cared. I guess if I have a boy I might wear full on pjs around the house when he gets older, but... eh. If we had had a boy and all boys, DH could have been regularly running around nude and no one would have cared lol.  It just seems so weird that you can breastfeed a child until they are old enough to always remember breastfeeding, but then at some point your body becomes taboo somehow and you have to hide it from the same child.  

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#8 of 74 Old 06-28-2011, 08:49 PM
 
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Ugh, was that level of snark really necessary? Seriously, how does this further the conversation?

 

As for why she keeps doing it, maybe she's comfortable wearing that and is hoping her husband comes around. Seems reasonable. I don't think OP meant that her dh was thoroughly upset about it, just that he thought it was a little weird. Big difference.  And I don't think OP is making a "bid deal" about not putting on shorts. She came here looking for other opinions, not because she desperately wants validation for running around the house in panties. 

 

I guess I shouldn't speak for her, I just really don't like unecessarily rude remarks like this. It makes this place feel hostile and unwelcoming.

 

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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

Its a family decision, but your husband is a member of your family. I don't see what your big deal is about throwing on a pair of shorts or a bathrobe when you walk around your house. You know it bothers him, but you keep doing it because....... why?

 

Sleep in whatever you want, but cover your a$$ when you walk around the house.

 



 


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#9 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 04:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for this.  You pretty aptly summed up the situation, actually.  This issue does not cause fights or anything.  He just gives me a "Shouldn't you put on some shorts?" comment when I venture out into the house in my undies.  It's not that I want to take a stand on it or that I refuse to cover my bottom....I just think DH is making a deal (not a BIG deal) out of something that shouldn't be.  But I actually agree with the general consensus...it obviously bothers DH, so I should be willing to slip on some shorts for his sake if for nothing else, and that's what I'll do. 

 

 

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Ugh, was that level of snark really necessary? Seriously, how does this further the conversation?

 

As for why she keeps doing it, maybe she's comfortable wearing that and is hoping her husband comes around. Seems reasonable. I don't think OP meant that her dh was thoroughly upset about it, just that he thought it was a little weird. Big difference.  And I don't think OP is making a "bid deal" about not putting on shorts. She came here looking for other opinions, not because she desperately wants validation for running around the house in panties. 

 

I guess I shouldn't speak for her, I just really don't like unecessarily rude remarks like this. It makes this place feel hostile and unwelcoming.

 



 



 

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#10 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 06:03 AM
 
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I have a 15 year old DS and 2 DDs. I like to sleep in exactly what the OP said- t-shirts and undies. But I do have sleep shorts and sleep pants I wear between my bath and bed. I have the yoga type pants for the winter and some comfy loose elastic band shorts for the hotter months. It's really no biggie- I slip them off before bed and leave them laying on the floor. Slip them on in the morning unless I am going right into the shower. My kids do frequently have friends over, and these are items I feel comfortable wearing in front of the friends.

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#11 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 08:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Nasubi77 View Post

Thanks for this.  You pretty aptly summed up the situation, actually.  This issue does not cause fights or anything.  He just gives me a "Shouldn't you put on some shorts?" comment when I venture out into the house in my undies.  It's not that I want to take a stand on it or that I refuse to cover my bottom....I just think DH is making a deal (not a BIG deal) out of something that shouldn't be.  But I actually agree with the general consensus...it obviously bothers DH, so I should be willing to slip on some shorts for his sake if for nothing else, and that's what I'll do. 

 

 



 


I think you are doing the right thing to consider your dh's feelings. In our house we have a dd and my dh sleeps nude but wears underwear, sweat pants or a robe if he walks around the house. I don't think it is a big deal if dd sees his underwear sometimes even though I grew up in a house where no one ever showed their underwear outside of the bedroom. If I felt uncomfortable and said something to him it would probably hurt if he said he wouldn't change anything at all and I should just get over it.

 


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#12 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 08:49 AM
 
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This is so NOT a family decision.   The only people who should get a say on what another person is wearing is the parents over the children(and I'm thinking more along the lines of true modesty when out in public, not a I bought this ugly plaid shirt for you so you're going to wear it).  Now if her son was uncomfortable with it then she COULD put on a pair of shorts, but because her son is uncomfortable not because her DH is.  Even then she really doesn't HAVE to.

 

If her son was uncomfortable with it then he'd say something or dart out of the room when he saw her.  

 

My Dad used to come down to the main floor in just his tighty whities with holes in them to get pants from the laundry room.  burned a few images in my head, but as a parent that was his right.

 

My Mom would walk around in her bra & panties(again to get clothes from the laundry room).

 

My Mom has walked around in her bra & panties at the same time my Dh is in his tighty whities.  THAT is weird but as an adult I never told either one to cover up.

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#13 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 09:19 AM
 
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I don't agree. All members of the household deserve respect and courtesy. If a member, adult or child, is uncomfortable with something very easy to accomodate, why wouldn't you? We have to live together for YEARS. It's in our best interest is give and take. I make adjustments for DH. He makes adjustements for me. The kids make adjustments for us and us for them. I wouldn't want to live in a home where any individual was allowed to do whatever they wanted without any consideration for the rest of the population.
 

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This is so NOT a family decision.   The only people who should get a say on what another person is wearing is the parents over the children(and I'm thinking more along the lines of true modesty when out in public, not a I bought this ugly plaid shirt for you so you're going to wear it).  Now if her son was uncomfortable with it then she COULD put on a pair of shorts, but because her son is uncomfortable not because her DH is.  Even then she really doesn't HAVE to.

 

If her son was uncomfortable with it then he'd say something or dart out of the room when he saw her.  

 

My Dad used to come down to the main floor in just his tighty whities with holes in them to get pants from the laundry room.  burned a few images in my head, but as a parent that was his right.

 

My Mom would walk around in her bra & panties(again to get clothes from the laundry room).

 

My Mom has walked around in her bra & panties at the same time my Dh is in his tighty whities.  THAT is weird but as an adult I never told either one to cover up.



 

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#14 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 09:52 AM
 
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I dont think its weird. You live there, why should you get dressed to run to the bathroom like you are guest at someone else's house? If your son asked you not to dress like that, I would say you should cover up. Does your DH never ever walk around partially clothed? Does he ever walk around without a shirt on? Does he walk around in boxers and a tshirt?

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#15 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 10:08 AM
 
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I think you should do what someone else suggested--just keep a pair of boxers or sleep shorts by the bed. I have a few caftans and loose dresses that I slip on when I go to the restroom, not because I have kids (yet!) but because we sometimes keep our windows open and I don't want to flash the neighbors. It's pretty easy and gets to be unconscious.

 

My father used to sit around in his tighty whities, and I always hated it. It made me uncomfortable, but telling him so would have made me even more uncomfortable. So I wouldn't take the fact that your son hasn't said or done anything as a sign that it doesn't bother him or he doesn't notice. 

 

 

It's considerate to take into account your son's feelings. I always felt that it was a show of power that my dad could get away with this. Not that he did it on purpose to demonstrate his power, but it did make obvious that his comfort was more important than everyone else's discomfort.
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#16 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 10:10 AM
 
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How many boys that age do you think would be comfortable telling his mother he's uncomfortable seeing her in her underwear? I suspect DH was just looking back to when he was 11 and what his comfort levels were.
 

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I dont think its weird. You live there, why should you get dressed to run to the bathroom like you are guest at someone else's house? If your son asked you not to dress like that, I would say you should cover up. Does your DH never ever walk around partially clothed? Does he ever walk around without a shirt on? Does he walk around in boxers and a tshirt?


 


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#17 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 10:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I dont think its weird. You live there, why should you get dressed to run to the bathroom like you are guest at someone else's house? If your son asked you not to dress like that, I would say you should cover up. Does your DH never ever walk around partially clothed? Does he ever walk around without a shirt on? Does he walk around in boxers and a tshirt?


Why yes, yes he does.  He likes to go "commando" so his normal relaxing attire is knit shorts and t-shirt.  Sometimes without the t-shirt.  I suppose the types of shorts he wears are less like underwear than boxers, but there's also that double standard that men can cover up less than women and still be publicly apropos.

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#18 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 10:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is true, but I think there would be body language signs if he were uncomfortable, even if he didn't mention it.  Truly, I think he is oblivious....  For example, if we're in the bed watching TV, DS will come and just plop down on the bed for snuggle time before bedtime.  I do cover with a sheet in these instances, but I don't think he would do that if he was uncomfortable with me being in my undies (that are mostly covered with a t-shirt, keep in mind). 
 

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How many boys that age do you think would be comfortable telling his mother he's uncomfortable seeing her in her underwear? I suspect DH was just looking back to when he was 11 and what his comfort levels were.
 



 



 

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#19 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 10:26 AM
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I don't think your sleepwear seems too revealing to be around your son.  However, I would put on a bit more if he is having someone stay over--like a pair of men's boxers instead of the granny panties.  That's just me though.  

 

In our house, the girls will still see dh in his boxers occasionally.  My oldest is 11 1/2.  And I run near naked through the house often.  But, we only have daughters.  Also, if a friend is over, I cover myself and dh doesn't walk about in boxers.  Mostly though, we try to not make a big deal out of it.  If a friend were to catch a glimpse of dh in boxers it wouldn't be a big deal to me, but dh was raised in a very modest household (boys were required to have shirt and pants on when people were over) and so it would bother him.

 

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#20 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 10:48 AM
 
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Yeah, if yourn DH is lounging with no shirt on and knit shorts with no undies I think its okay for you to run to the kitchen in your granny panties and tshirt.

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#21 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 12:30 PM
 
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You would think so but sometimes it's hard to read in the opposite sex. My DH and DD have always been especially close. They are two peas in a pod. However around 12, DD started redrawing her bounderies. *I* could see it because I'm a girl and I remember but DH was totally clueless even with having grown up with 3 older sisters. For example, DH has always been one to help fold laundry but I could see when DD was no longer comfortable with him handling her underwear. There's been lots of things pop-up over the years and I've pretty much had to clue DH in every step. It's not his fault. She does her very best to hide it and she's still very much "daddy's little girl" even at 14. I expect DH will be clueing me in about DS when the time comes lol.

 

I'm not saying this is your situation or that it ever will be. I guess I just give your DH the benefit of the doubt. He's been a boy. He might remember how things changed as he aged or might be seeing something different.

 

 

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This is true, but I think there would be body language signs if he were uncomfortable, even if he didn't mention it.  Truly, I think he is oblivious....  For example, if we're in the bed watching TV, DS will come and just plop down on the bed for snuggle time before bedtime.  I do cover with a sheet in these instances, but I don't think he would do that if he was uncomfortable with me being in my undies (that are mostly covered with a t-shirt, keep in mind). 
 



 



 


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#22 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 12:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think your sleepwear seems too revealing to be around your son.  However, I would put on a bit more if he is having someone stay over--like a pair of men's boxers instead of the granny panties.  That's just me though.  

 

In our house, the girls will still see dh in his boxers occasionally.  My oldest is 11 1/2.  And I run near naked through the house often.  But, we only have daughters.  Also, if a friend is over, I cover myself and dh doesn't walk about in boxers.  Mostly though, we try to not make a big deal out of it.  If a friend were to catch a glimpse of dh in boxers it wouldn't be a big deal to me, but dh was raised in a very modest household (boys were required to have shirt and pants on when people were over) and so it would bother him.

 

Amy 




Oh yeah, definitely!  I certainly dress "respectable" when the kids have friends over, boys or girls!

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#23 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 12:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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 For example, DH has always been one to help fold laundry but I could see when DD was no longer comfortable with him handling her underwear.


 

LOL that reminded me of the other day, DS called to me from the bathroom to bring him some underwear.  Then he said, "Don't pick out the underwear, just bring me some." 

 

I brought him his undies and said, "Here's the underwear I picked out especially for you!"

 

So, he promptly took them back to his drawer and got another pair!  biggrinbounce.gif
 

 

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#24 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 07:41 PM
 
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This is weird... because if you had a DD, this wouldn't even matter. If I have all girls, I doubt I'll care what I wear. I saw my mom pretty much naked all the time when I was growing up. She wasn't weirded out about changing in front of us or whatever. I never saw my dad, though. I think he always had on pj pants. Geez. I honestly can't even remember what he wore around the house... I don't think I ever paid attention or cared. I guess if I have a boy I might wear full on pjs around the house when he gets older, but... eh. If we had had a boy and all boys, DH could have been regularly running around nude and no one would have cared lol.  It just seems so weird that you can breastfeed a child until they are old enough to always remember breastfeeding, but then at some point your body becomes taboo somehow and you have to hide it from the same child.  

 

Actually it may really matter to the girl.  My grandma was and still is very laid back about what she wears and it still mortifies my mother.  She is just a more modest person by nature and has always been embarrassed by nudity.  I have never cared about nudity and have no problem walking around naked or showering in gyms.  Different people have different comfort levels no matter what their gender is.

 

OP:  Maybe your son has mentioned something to your husband about this.  I think you should sit down with your son and ask him about this if you are worried about how he feels.
 

 

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#25 of 74 Old 06-29-2011, 10:26 PM
 
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All members of the household deserve respect and courtesy. If a member, adult or child, is uncomfortable with something very easy to accomodate, why wouldn't you?

 

Why should Mom give up her respect & courtesy for an issue that isn't even real.  The son does NOT have a problem with it, the dh has a perceived issue that isn't real & is a double standard.

 

The son would let her know(verbally or through actions) that he is uncomfortable & he hasn't done this.  This is dh's issue that probably does stem from when he was that age, but until the son has an issue with it Mom should not have to change.

 

 

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#26 of 74 Old 06-30-2011, 07:36 AM
 
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You are more than welcome to run your home like that. I choose not to.
 

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Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post

 

 

 

Why should Mom give up her respect & courtesy for an issue that isn't even real.  The son does NOT have a problem with it, the dh has a perceived issue that isn't real & is a double standard.

 

The son would let her know(verbally or through actions) that he is uncomfortable & he hasn't done this.  This is dh's issue that probably does stem from when he was that age, but until the son has an issue with it Mom should not have to change.

 

 



 

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#27 of 74 Old 06-30-2011, 12:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post

 

 

 

Why should Mom give up her respect & courtesy for an issue that isn't even real.  The son does NOT have a problem with it, the dh has a perceived issue that isn't real & is a double standard.

 

The son would let her know(verbally or through actions) that he is uncomfortable & he hasn't done this.  This is dh's issue that probably does stem from when he was that age, but until the son has an issue with it Mom should not have to change.

 

 



So the fact that her DH has a problem doesn't factor in at all?


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#28 of 74 Old 06-30-2011, 12:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post
The son would let her know(verbally or through actions) that he is uncomfortable & he hasn't done this.  This is dh's issue that probably does stem from when he was that age, but until the son has an issue with it Mom should not have to change.
 


The son let her know how he felt about his own underwear and she made a joke about it, so I wouldn't assume that he's neutral on the whole "parents running around the house without appropriate clothing" issue (which sounds like it's both parents). This doesn't sound like a situation where they son can say what he feels and know that he will be taken seriously.


 

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LOL that reminded me of the other day, DS called to me from the bathroom to bring him some underwear.  Then he said, "Don't pick out the underwear, just bring me some." 

 

I brought him his undies and said, "Here's the underwear I picked out especially for you!"

 

So, he promptly took them back to his drawer and got another pair!  biggrinbounce.gif
 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#29 of 74 Old 06-30-2011, 12:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 


The son let her know how he felt about his own underwear and she made a joke about it, so I wouldn't assume that he's neutral on the whole "parents running around the house without appropriate clothing" issue (which sounds like it's both parents). This doesn't sound like a situation where they son can say what he feels and know that he will be taken seriously.


 




I think you read way too much into that exchange.  My son is happy-go-lucky and it was a light-hearted tease and he was laughing the whole time.  We have a very similar sense of humor and have interactions like this all the time (not always about underwear!).  But he absolutely knows that I will and do take him seriously when he needs and wants it.  I also think saying "running around the house without appropriate clothing" is a huge exaggeration of "dashing to the bathroom in the late evening hours just before bedtime in my night shirt and underwear".   

 

I asked for opinions and I am happy to receive them from all sides of the issue, but I'd appreciate you to leave the judgment and criticism behind.

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#30 of 74 Old 06-30-2011, 01:01 PM
 
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I wouldn't change the way I dress. But, I'll be honest - I'm really creeped out by the attitude that there's something inappropriate about going to the bathroom or kitchen in one's own house, with all private body parts covered. If one of my kids was expressing discomfort with it, I'd cover up (and I've had conversations about this topic with ds1 in the past), except for breastfeeding. But, there's no way I'd let another adult's messed up (in my opinion, of course) ideas about the female body, modesty and sexuality dictate how I dressed in my own home. And, imo, that's what this is about - messed up ideas about those things.

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