Hey all. Just wondering how we all move through the frustrations of raising our growing children. Parenting was so easy and enjoyable when they were younger!!
The resistance, the laziness, the lingering stagnant space they seem to be in... The breathing down your neck when you just want space to sit and be...
Am I alone in feeling ... suffocated some days?
I am looking for ways to better my relationship with my boys, mostly my 13 year old. I recognize that *I* need to change perspective, but am having a hard time letting go of the negative mental associations I've created these past few years.
Not alone at all . . . kids take a lot out of you no matter what their (haha, and our) age. Mine are 21 and 18, and what gets me through is, ironically, an age observation: I just tell myself how young they are. The older and taller they've gotten, the more they seem to need my awareness of that, and the more my family's benefited from that reminder. Oddly enough, when I'm in that frame of mind and somehow conveying it, they become more relaxed, cheerful, and proactive.
I have an almost 16 year old boy. I have joint custody (exactly 1/2 and 1/2 shared time). When DS1 was young, it was so awful and I missed him terribly. Terribly. It's not like that at all anymore. I sometimes can't wait until the day he goes back. I posted about my feelings towards parenting him recently. I met a friend's aunt the other day and she introduced me to her 17 year old son by saying "Oh, he's just a joy." I was so envious. I don't feel that DS1 is a joy. The best and warmest feelings I am able to muster up towards him is when I see him being very sweet with DS2, who's a toddler. The rest of the time I have to bite my tongue to not snap at him for being so egocentric, unmotivated, and selfish. It's awful. Thank you for posting, and no--you are not alone.
I got tired of my signature, but I still love my children and husband and miss my little brother.
My are still a bit younger but they are definately heading in that direction. My girls are 12 and my son is 10. I absolutely loved the baby stages, the toddler and the childhood stages. When my girls turned 9 it ALL changed. We had just moved to a new part of the country so it was tough on all of us but one of my girls turned into something I really didnt have the presence of mind to cope with. Her moodiness was extraordinary! I did start to feel like I didnt like her very much. The thing is that Ive also come to a stage in my life where I like my space, or I need my headspace to work thru my own crazy thoughts and feelings about where life has taken me. However, what works for us... so far... is similar to a pp-er who said taking their age into consideration. I think about my girls and how I went thru the same things. I take time to talk to them alot. I will drop everything if they need me just to listen. Sometimes they wont come to me about it, Ill just see them going thru something and Ill say 'Come on, lets go sit somewhere quiet.' Im still mum, but I see my role changing. I almost didnt catch it at first. I noticed them wanting to do things without me! They were suddenly embarrassed by me! I used to be allowed to sing in the supermarket and it was fun when I danced with them, now Im just an embarrassment to them, lol. I didnt see that coming. My role is changing, the way they need me is changing. I think when I got to their age (12) my mom decided I didnt need the same sort of guidance I needed as a young child and she just let me sort of run wild. I see my girls at a trasition stage, they still need my guidance, even if they dont think so.
I must admit, I dont have all those warm and fuzzy feelings I used to about my kids. I am watching them grow up and they do make me proud a lot of the time. I see myself as not just someone in their life, I still see myself as a role model, as someone they need to help them thru this, I try to be very patient most of the time these days, but I also see the need to be firm with them. I think at 13 there's still time to change your perspective and letting go of those negative associations can just be part of a process of getting yourself where you want to be with your son, its not too late. I felt that way too for a short while until I did change myself. Sometimes you have to intentionally 'put on' patience and love, even with our kids, I think. It is easy to just be very annoyed with them (VERY easy, lol) and it can be harder work trying to see the world from their perspective, but its not too late.