Daughter convinced she "needs" braces we can't afford - help! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-14-2011, 06:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post





 

But sometimes they are.  I have a giant gap in my teeth that my parents wouldn't fix.  The only way to fix it now is veneers or something, I can't move those teeth at this point in life.  At 14, if she's serious enough about it, she's old enough to start saving money to do something about it.  Babysitting or part time jobs (well at 15 in most states and even that is usually McDonalds) will go a long way for a kid with no expenses to save money.

 

Also OP, I'm beyond particular about my teeth.  I brush, floss, see my dentist and NOTHING matters.  Even when I was seeing her every 3 months I had cavities often. Some people just have bad luck, no matter how good their parents teeth are.

 

This.

 

My mother could not afford braces for me as a teen and the dentist said they weren't really needed but would be helpful.  Well, now as an adult the wear and tear of unproperly lined up teeth is taking a toll and I'm looking at some pretty severe dental work that will be very pricey.  Dental issues do not go away, they get worse.

 

Also, um, my son had I think 9 cavities at 18 months.  No known cause other than bad genetics.  My poor mother has had cavities and root canals more than I can count.  Some people can take care of their teeth and still have problems.
 

 

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Old 09-14-2011, 07:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I had a part time job in Highschool and it took me a year to save up 1,000.


 

After insurance, my DD's braces are costing us $3,000. She is the same age as the OPer's DD, and she recently started a cake decorating business. She's saved $100 so far. And she is very mature, creative, and responsible for her age.

 

I cannot image saddling her with the burden of paying for her braces. It would be wrong.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 09-14-2011, 08:07 AM
 
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Certainly wouldn't be fair.  IDK, from 12 on I payed for everything.  Seriously.  EVERYTHING.  Also I wasn't taken to a dentist.  Unless I was going to pay for the Bill.  And I was told that after I graduated I would be paying rent if I stayed home... And that is how you lose your kid.  I moved away, hey I took care of so much you made it obvious I didn't need you.  That was my thinking.  I still feel that way.  However if kids can save up for a car... lots do.  They can save up for braces. 

 

If she wants them bad enough, I think if she understands that it will take awhile and if she's in it for the long haul and really wants them maybe it's selling her short not to think she couldn't do it. 

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Old 09-14-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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I was thinking of the cost of a retainer, not the cost of braces. And she might not be able to pay all, but if it's important to her, she could work as a mother's helper somewhere or something and help save up to some extent, to show that she's really serious about it. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a teenager to help pay for something that is cosmetic and not unnecessary. She's only 13 now, but the retainer would not have to be done immediately. It could be done at 15 or 16.
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Old 09-14-2011, 01:22 PM
 
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Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.

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Old 09-14-2011, 01:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ozark View Post

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.

I've heard there is *some relationship*, but there is no absolute correlation. My husband was not breastfed at all, and has never had a cavity and has perfect teeth. My dd was breastfed for 2.5 years (not 6 but that's pretty unusual) and has never had a cavity but has crooked teeth and will need braces. Lots of moms here have practiced child-led weaning and have had kids with cavities, and I'm guessing crooked teeth. I guess I think your suggestion that it's her fault is unfair.
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Old 09-14-2011, 01:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ozark View Post

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.
 


WHAT??????

 

I breastfed both my kids. I tandem nursed. The older one weaned at herself at 2. The younger one I weaned when she was nearly 4. My younger DD had SEVERAL cavities as a toddler and is now in braces.  She started getting cavities WHILE she was still nursing.

 

My other DD is in Invisalign,

 

Besides, the OPer's DD doesn't NEED braces -- she just wants them. There is no NEED, just a desire to look more our culture says we should all look. Nothing is wrong with her. Nothing. If she wanted a nose job and researched showed that BF babies had more socially desirable noses than non-BF babies, do you think her parents should shell out the money for that too?

 

This is about LOOKS and WANTS. Not needs.

 

Parents are not, IMHO, required to pay for everything their child wants. (Esp when they don't actually have the money!)

 

Nor is it appropriate to BLAME mothers for the way their kids turn out. All studies are based on averages. Non of this parenting stuff comes with guarantees. Just because one can say if you do X, Y is the more likely outcome, it does not follow that if you don't get Y, you did anything wrong. It's just averages.

 

(sorry for the vent)


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 09-14-2011, 02:06 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ozark View Post

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.


You can pretty much find anyone to support any tie you wish to make. If you choose to follow a naturopath and nurse until your child is 6, that's your choice. However, it's sort of ridiculous to tell another parent their children's teeth are crooked because she didn't nurse long enough. It's mostly genetics and a little bit environment. If your 4-year-old was drinking bottles of juice at bedtime and still on a binky... well yeah, parents can take some credit for cavities and crooked teeth. However, most of it's just genetics. My kids baby teeth came in crooked and some even fused together while they were still nursing. They didn't even GET adult teeth until they were close to 9-years-old and both self-weaned long before then! They just have DH's teeth and the whole family has these big teeth in little mouths. Thankfully, they also got DH's perfect eye sight instead of mine lol. It's a trade-off. Neither my kids have had a cavity yet but then, neither did my dad until 40. Neither did I until after my second child was born. Nursing is great. I totally support it but let's not pretend it supercedes genetics and makes a parent better or worse.


Married mom of two, DD 17 and DS 13.
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Old 09-15-2011, 05:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ozark View Post

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.


Bottle fed teen dd has PERFECT straight, white, teeth, nary a cavity to be found (no flouride either).  I don't think blame is helpful to the discussion.

 

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Old 09-15-2011, 06:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ozark View Post

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.


Wow, Ozark.  So self-righeous.  And uninformed.  Please don't give advice.

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Old 09-15-2011, 06:48 AM
 
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Is the issue that you truly can't afford it or that you see no reason that she needs them because in your opinion, she is already beautiful?  Here, 14 is old enough to legally work a part time job.  There are a lot of restrictions on the hours they can work (not past 7, I believe).  If it means that much to her, I would let her know that I could put $XX towards it, and she can work to earn the rest.

 

If your true reason is only cost, then stop bringing up all the extra (feminist) reasons.  If your suspicions are true, that she is rebelling against her feminist upbringing then hounding home the point is only going to make it worse, especially if the real reason is cost.

 

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Old 09-15-2011, 08:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ozark View Post

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.

This information makes me feel uncomfortable, and I find it hard to believe that you are serious.

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Old 09-15-2011, 08:19 AM
 
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I was kind of thinking that too. Except I do know people like this. The I did this and that's why my kid is perfect, I'm a better parent than you types.

I will say my kids don't have eye problems because I spit in their eyes as infants... my grandma told me too... wait I'm lying I didn't do that. wink1.gif
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:28 AM
 
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I put breastmilk in my babies eye, and I totally do think breastmilk helps with teeth but holy funny, (isnt that what you say Imakcerka? ) Ill bet this opens up a can, personally Id rather my kid have a cold than nurse at 6 years old. Lots of moms do it, but not me, not ever. IMO, old enough for school = too old for boobies.

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Old 09-15-2011, 08:30 AM
 
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A 5 page essay to be allowed to shave her legs?  I understand the values you're trying to raise her with, but maybe you've forgotten how brutal junior high and high school can be.  Not allowing her to do things like shave her legs is more likely to lead her to rebel from your ideals than embrace them if you ask me.  At some point, we need to start turning over some control and responsibility to our kids.  As for the braces, if you can't afford them, you can't afford them.  Don't underestimate how much not having straight teeth may be impacting her confidence though.  If it was my kid, I would try to work out a plan for her to work towards paying a portion, and me to work towards paying a portion, even if it was small, with the stipulation that my portion would only be donated to the cause if she followed through on brushing, cutting soda, etc.  I would give her a path towards getting the braces though, even if that didn't involve a penny out of my pocket.  I'd at least sit down, talk about the costs, how many hours of work she'd need to do to pay for them, what sorts of jobs she might be able to do, how to get those jobs, etc.  Brushing her off as if she is anti-feminist for wanting straight teeth is going to make her feel like you are minimizing her feelings and are out of touch (not saying you are out of touch). 

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Old 09-15-2011, 08:45 AM
 
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As with many things this age, I am discovering, the adult interpretation of a situation can be vastly different than that of an adolescent.  My dd has a tooth that is descending very, very, slowly.  The dentist thinks it's fine-we'll re-eval every 6 mos at the cleanings.  I cannot tell you how mortifying my dd finds this tooth issue.  She is convinced everyone sees it, that she looks different from her friends...really to the point that she went through a time of smiling with a closed mouth.  We offer lots of reassurance, and try to understand that her perception is different from ours.

 

Not saying that the OP's dd needs braces, just that sometimes it's important to meet your child's concerns with empathy, and leave it there for a while.  Overthinking it through whatever lens you use (feminism, AP, etc.) doesn't always lend anything to the situation because that's not what it's about for your child.

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Old 09-15-2011, 08:48 AM
 
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Yes holy funny is my thing.

APT, sometimes we forget what it's like to be that age and we put our hopes and expectations on our girls in an unrealistic way. My little sister called me at 14 crying her eyes out because Mom wouldn't let her shave or pluck her eyebrows. She had 1 brow. And it was ferocious! Also we're half mexican... gee whiz did my sister get the hairy end of the stick. While she tried hard not to let things get to her, those legs were practically warming devices. And people always commented about her stache! I begged my step dad to let her shave and take her in to get her brow made into two and bleach her crumb catcher.

Heck yes, my mom was mad at us. However she wasn't seeing what dad and I saw. She ignored the fact that she was stressed every day going to school and felt uncomfortable all the time. No matter how much we hope they can just love their bodies, it's not always going to happen that way. Making her remain hairy like the good lord... or something like that made her was not fair. Especially since I know for a fact my mother owns stock in hair bleach and wax! I kid.
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ozark View Post

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.

I nursed all my children till they were around 3.  2 do not need orthodontia - one does.  All 3 had numerous childhood cavities - but have had few cavities adult teeth.  That is life.

 

There are numerous reasons for childhood decay and needing of orthodontia - I would not for one minute assume a child with dental issues was the result of premature weaning.

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

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Old 09-15-2011, 09:16 AM
 
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A 5 page essay to be allowed to shave her legs?  I understand the values you're trying to raise her with, but maybe you've forgotten how brutal junior high and high school can be.  Not allowing her to do things like shave her legs is more likely to lead her to rebel from your ideals than embrace them if you ask me.  At some point, we need to start turning over some control and responsibility to our kids.

Ditto. I wasn't allowed to shave my legs until my MOM thought I was ready. This resulted in lots of embarrassment, me wearing jeans through all of 6th grade (which also got me picked on & made fun of, since it was often over 90 degrees), and ultimately going behind her back & just shaving on my own, even though I was generally a very very very obedient 'perfect' child. I had a really visceral reaction to reading about the 5-page-essay thing. greensad.gif
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Not saying that the OP's dd needs braces, just that sometimes it's important to meet your child's concerns with empathy, and leave it there for a while.  Overthinking it through whatever lens you use (feminism, AP, etc.) doesn't always lend anything to the situation because that's not what it's about for your child.

I agree with this too. I don't know, this thread is actually really triggering for me to read, that feeling of being so controlled by my parents and my feelings so minimized & ridiculed... I am not saying the OP is anything like my parents, just that it brings up similar feelings for me, things I think contributed to an eating disorder & other really serious issues... Maybe I'm just sensitive, IDK.

And I can't tell you how much easier it is for me to eat food because I had braces. I don't know how bad my teeth were, maybe they were really bad, all I know is I was never able to eat apples, corn, popcorn, etc. until after I'd had braces. But I guess if the dentist says they are fine then your DD's teeth probably aren't that bad.

Oh and I was weaned by 9mos and I have never had a single cavity (though I did need braces!)

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Old 09-15-2011, 11:49 AM
 
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I need you to remove your post calling someone a troll and your subsequent discusion of it. Feel free to debate the post, but do not turn things into a personal attack. Disagreements are fine as long as they are respectful.

 
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Old 09-15-2011, 11:56 AM
 
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Does the person who didn't do anything but criticize the mother by using a holier than thou comment need to remove hers too? It was basically telling her that she didn't do right by her daughter by not nursing her kid til she was 6 thus giving her perfect health.

I too criticized the mother but then recanted when I realized I was being unfair. And thankfully she accepted my apology.
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Old 09-15-2011, 01:15 PM
 
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Closely related?  I very much doubt it.  I think if you factor in that parents who breastfeed are more likely to pay some attention to nutrition, there is probably no relationship.

 

I was breast fed for 6 weeks.  I had widely spaced teeth in a perfect bite and no cavities until well into adulthood.

 

My daughter was nursed for over 5 years.  She has had numerous cavities starting around the time of weaning and went into orthodontia at 7.

 

My son was nursed for over 4 years and has had one or two cavities. He will need very little orthodontia if any.

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Old 09-15-2011, 05:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

Does the person who didn't do anything but criticize the mother by using a holier than thou comment need to remove hers too? It was basically telling her that she didn't do right by her daughter by not nursing her kid til she was 6 thus giving her perfect health.

I too criticized the mother but then recanted when I realized I was being unfair. And thankfully she accepted my apology.

As long as a sentiment, whether or not you or I agree with it, it expressed respectfully, it can stay. Again, disagreement is fine. It's part of a discusion community.

 
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Old 09-15-2011, 06:10 PM
 
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Not saying that the OP's dd needs braces, just that sometimes it's important to meet your child's concerns with empathy, and leave it there for a while.  Overthinking it through whatever lens you use (feminism, AP, etc.) doesn't always lend anything to the situation because that's not what it's about for your child.



This is a good point.

 

Currently with 2 kids in orthodontia and knowing first hand the expense, extra work and PAIN involved, I feel like the odd one out in the thread for not being gun ho about getting braces for kid who doesn't need them. 

 

But I believe when we speak very respectfully to our teens and take their point of view seriously, things go better in our relationships with them.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 09-15-2011, 07:45 PM
 
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Old 09-20-2011, 12:09 PM
 
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I was bottle fed and didn't see a dentist until adulthood. I have straight teeth and no cavities. My daughters were both breastfed for over 4 years, have had good nutrition and dental care. They both have badly needed braces. Maybe their teeth would have been even worse if they had not breastfed but I am thinking it was getting their dad's teeth-genes instead of mine that led to the scary orthodontist bills.

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