My Very Overweight 11yo - At A Loss! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 42 Old 10-06-2011, 05:44 PM
 
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Including everyone is possibly the best way to go.  I think if I were to tell DD2 she needed to lose a bit she'd look at me and slap my booty...
 

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Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

I hate to tell you this, but 12 is pubescent, so it's unclear how much of this really might be due to her being in a period of major growth.

 

There's a good book by Weight Watchers that's very reasonable about the subject: Weight Watchers Family Power: 5 Simple Rules for a Healthy-Weight Home. The thing I like about this book is that the "rules" are positive rules:

 

1. Focus on wholesome, nutritious foods.

2. Include treats.

3. Keep screen time to under 2 hours a day.

4. Try to be active an hour a day.

5. The rules apply to everyone.

 

I really like the fact that no one person is singled out. You can (without even telling your kids) take a look at what you're eating -- are they getting enough protein, 5 servings of fruits and veggies, complex carbs that will keep them full, and minimal refined sugar? If you are, then great. If not, you can work on improving the whole family's diet.

 

Treats are an important part of the plan because again, you don't want to develop eating disorders by ruling them out. I buy donuts about 2x a year. My kids would eat them constantly, but really, I think the concept of donut and nutritious are about polar opposites.

 

The 'active an hour a day' might be something that you do together. Where can you walk to as a family? Or as a mother-daughter pair? Could you set your sights on doing something like a 5K or 10 K walk, and 'train' for that together. (Something like the Race for the Cure, or whatever cause might be near and dear to her heart.) Don't do this to make her train, but as a bonding experience for the two of you. What does she like to do that's physical? My dd loves swimming and hates all other sports. She's in swim lessons now so that when she gets older, she and I can go lap swimming together, if she wants. She's never going to be a size 5, and I'm fine with that. But she has a beautiful body for swimming -- strong broad shoulders + a little buoyancy from a tiny bit of extra padding. Right now she's strong and healthy.

 

Don't limit food. If her portion sizes are too big, then get smaller plates for the whole family. Make sure that family meals are eaten together. Don't let anyone eat in front of the TV or computer. But remember, she's growing.

 

 



 

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#32 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 09:32 AM
 
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I have sons who are identical twins. I would not have thought of J as overweight - until I looked at him next to his brother. Watching their eating habits was telling as well - J would regularly take third helpings at meals; B rarely would. Their activity levels were similar, but J ate more, and it showed.

 

I have always struggled with my weight, and have managed to both lose weight over the years, and maintain my weight. The boys know this, and understand that I know what I'm talking about.

 

OP, since your daughter feels that she is overweight, and is upset about it, there's no reason NOT to talk to her about it.Not doing so might give the impression that her weight is too horrible a subject to discuss - or that you don't care enough to bother (I know this isn't the case, but teens can interpret stuff in strange ways). Open, honest conversation about uncomfortable topics is so important - it isn't easy, but it's important. If you and your daughter can't talk about her weight, how will you be able to talk about drugs, sex, alcohol, depression? But I digress...

 

If it's something that concerns her, as it obviously concerns you, there should be no problem bringing her to the doctor to rule out (or identify) a medical cause.

 

In the case of my son, I simply mentioned that he looked like he was putting on some pounds. We talked about portion size, and I suggested he stop to ask himself if it was his tummy or his mouth that wanted that extra helping. We have never EVER encouraged our kids to eat everything on their plates. We didn't monitor his weight; we simply encouraged healthy food choices and reasonable portions. We don't have a lot of sweets in the house, but we never discouraged J from having a treat or a dessert if it was available. I told him that I wasn't worried about his weight, but I wanted him to develop healthy habits that he'll carry with him for the rest of his life, so he doesn't face a constant or lifetime weight battle.

 

Gradually, over several months, he trimmed down, without ever feeling like he was "on a diet". My kids watched me lose 35 pounds in 6 months (post-baby, pre-brother's wedding). I wasn't "on a diet"; I changed my eating habits. Technically it's the same thing, but being "on a diet" imlies that at some point you will be off the diet, and your eating will return to what it was, and the weight will come back.

 

Talk to your daughter about her weight. Talk to her about everything - in 5 years, you'll be glad you did.

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#33 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 10:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks again to everyone for the support and ideas.  I am going to check out the WW stuff - I used to do it a few years back myself when I was shedding baby weight, but wasn't sure about doing it with a preteen.

 

You're all right, she is pubescent, not prepubescent...I was using prepubescent in the way that she has not started menstruating yet, but indeed, body changes have been happening for about a year now. As I said before, a lot of people I know bulked up  considerably around her age, but this is beyond that, size wise.

 

Good news: we had an honest talk yesterday about how she feels about her body, and she is very very gung-ho to start walking with me, and mentioned even trying out running (GOOD! we can do it together!).  The appointment has been made for the doc for blood work requisitions, and we are on our way, just like that.  She was grateful that I approached her, and it didn't hurt her as I thought it would.

 

Thanks again all, for your well wishes and advice.

 

April


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#34 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 11:07 AM
 
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As a mother to 2 daughters and someone with a poor body image, I can only image in how you must feel and disagree so strongly with the people that are saying the she is heathy at her weight and leave her alone.  The world doesn't treat overweight people the same and it isn't healthy to be overweight.  Why would you want your DD's life to me any more difficult than it has to be.  I think you shoudl talk to your Dr. and talk to her about her weight from a health perspective, not a weight loss perspective but I think it should be address. 

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#35 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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Good Job Mama!  And good luck to both of you!
 

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Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* View Post

Thanks again to everyone for the support and ideas.  I am going to check out the WW stuff - I used to do it a few years back myself when I was shedding baby weight, but wasn't sure about doing it with a preteen.

 

You're all right, she is pubescent, not prepubescent...I was using prepubescent in the way that she has not started menstruating yet, but indeed, body changes have been happening for about a year now. As I said before, a lot of people I know bulked up  considerably around her age, but this is beyond that, size wise.

 

Good news: we had an honest talk yesterday about how she feels about her body, and she is very very gung-ho to start walking with me, and mentioned even trying out running (GOOD! we can do it together!).  The appointment has been made for the doc for blood work requisitions, and we are on our way, just like that.  She was grateful that I approached her, and it didn't hurt her as I thought it would.

 

Thanks again all, for your well wishes and advice.

 

April



 

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#36 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 12:12 PM
 
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That's a great update!  

 

I think you're totally on the right path with walking and running.  I'm going to go off on a related tangent. bag.gif   [tangent] If you and dd are going to get active together, you might try the run- walk- run method.  It's supposed to be the way to go for beginners.  Check out the Couch to 5K method web page:

 

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

 

Also check out this essay by Olympic runner Jeff Galloway, http://www.jeffgalloway.com/fitkids.html.  He developed another run walk run method. Don't know how it compares to the C25K, but I'm currently reading his book Running, Getting Started, and it's really inspiring. 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Running-Getting-Started-Jeff-Galloway/dp/1841262420/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1318013711&sr=8-2-fkmr0

 

My 12 y.o. son is overweight. I don't know by how much, but it doesn't matter, I can plainly see that he's overweight. Dh and I are starting the C25K program, and I want to include ds in it (and dd for that matter, though she isn't overweight).  I really believe that if we're all 4 in this together we will all enjoy it more.  And it won't be about losing weight, it'll be about the whole family getting active and doing something together.

[/tangent]

 

 

 

 


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#37 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 01:07 PM
 
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Thanks for the update, April - the mantra in our house is "We'll get through this, and we'll get through it together". Having a relationship with my sons (they are 17) where they feel they can talk to me about anything and everything - even if it might be something I don't really want to hear - has been so important in our family.

 

I'm glad you were able to have an honest, respectful, and trusting discussion with your daughter, and you are working toward a solution together. You must both feel a tremendous sense of relief to have it out in the open!


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#38 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 02:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* View Post


I love to hear the positive things about the stretch marks. I am SO relieved, Adaline'sMama to hear about how yours have gone or faded to that degree.


My dh grew rapidly during puberty and has stretch marks on his thighs.  He had 3% body fat during that time.  I'm the only one who sees them now and they are barely noticable but they are there and were just from his rapid growth.

 


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#39 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 04:50 PM
 
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This has been an interesting thread to read through!  I worked for a number of years with teens and their families who were having issues with weight and improving healthy lifestyles.  It's great to approach the issue from a health and fitness angle and work together as a family.  Meeting with a nutritionist who is used to working with teens is a great way to set healthy goals for improving nutrition, moderate and weight loss and increased activity.  Nutritionists also can provide a lot of strategies to use regarding serving healthy portions, grocery shopping, eating out or just hanging out at a friend's house.  A nutritionist can be a great coach for you AND your daughter, and often is a LOT better at discussing the social/emotional issues of weight than a pediatrician. If appropriate, she would advise you on weight loss and how to set reasonable and safe goals.

 

A couple of things from my experience with teens and families that worked really well:  Set up a "reward"system for attaining goals.  I would focus not so much on food related goals, but on activity or some other healthy behavior change.  For example, you could set a goal of walking 30 minutes X days a week.  Devise a small reward after reaching this goal for 1 week and maybe a bit larger reward for doing this for a month.  Small rewards could be anything exciting/motivating to your daughter and appropriate for your family....just don't make it a food 'treat', and make sure you can actually follow through on the reward.  

 

As the holidays are coming up, try to focus celebrations on something besides (only!) eating.  Think of fun crafts or activities to do vs. baking cookies or treats, or come up with some healthy options.  Help your daughter to think of fun things to do with her friends besides hanging out and eating....go ice skating, skiing, sledding, bowling, etc....  You can help her make subtle changes in what she does without calling attention to "dieting" or exercise.  If you have a Wii game, some of the dancing/activity games are really fun to do as a family or with friends. Small positive changes add up over time!

 

Sounds like you are working together to make healthy changes for your whole family.  She's lucky to have you for a mama!!

 

 

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#40 of 42 Old 10-07-2011, 07:34 PM
 
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There's a program called Couch to 5K that works really well for some people -- maybe you can set as a goal to do a 5K run together! http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml -- it's very moderate (3 times a week), and starts off mostly walking. Make sure, whether you run or walk that you get GOOD shoes for both of you to prevent injury.


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#41 of 42 Old 10-08-2011, 04:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* View Post

Good news: we had an honest talk yesterday about how she feels about her body, and she is very very gung-ho to start walking with me, and mentioned even trying out running (GOOD! we can do it together!).  The appointment has been made for the doc for blood work requisitions, and we are on our way, just like that.  She was grateful that I approached her, and it didn't hurt her as I thought it would.


thumbsup.gif  that's great news!!!  I'm so glad you guys were able to have an honest conversation and make a basic plan!

 

 

Something I've found helpful in talking to my own DDs about a lot of different subjects is called "non-violent communication."  It's a style of listening and responding to what is being said in ways that let the other person know that you really hear them. There are a couple of good books on it.


 

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Originally Posted by poorlittlefish View Post

As a mother to 2 daughters and someone with a poor body image, I can only image in how you must feel and disagree so strongly with the people that are saying the she is heathy at her weight and leave her alone.  The world doesn't treat overweight people the same and it isn't healthy to be overweight.  Why would you want your DD's life to me any more difficult than it has to be.  I think you shoudl talk to your Dr. and talk to her about her weight from a health perspective, not a weight loss perspective but I think it should be address. 


Body image isn't tied to weight -- as some of the people with eating disorders can testify. There are lots of skinny woman who hate themselves. There are also women with curves who love themselves.

 

I think that how we are treated it tied more to what we project we believe about ourselves than our weight. So yes, someone who is overweight and hates themselves or their body is more likely to be treated badly, but there are a lot of big woman with confidence who project acceptance and self love, and they get that back.

 

I agree that all things being equal, being neither thin or fat is healthier than the extremes, but I strongly, strongly feel that no matter our DDs sizes, the best thing we can teach our DDs is to just love themselves. Unconditionally. Part of loving ourselves including our bodies healthy foods, and part of loving ourselves in finding ways we love to move that let us feel more alive. And part of it is speaking kindly to ourselves when we look in the mirror.

 

I lost 70 pounds. And I'm the exact same person I was before. Nothing in my life changed. I'm now a yoga teacher and I really love it, and I couldn't have got through yoga teacher training at my previous shape. And we hike a lot of weekends and I couldn't have done that before, and I really enjoy it. But I am just me. Life is easier when we love ourselves -- but skinny people still have problems and overweight people who blame their weight for their problems are just making excuses. Every one has problems.

 

I currently LOVE to teach yoga to women who are over-weight or are new to exercise. I really thrive on helping women connect to their bodies and listen to themselves. I don't teach weight loss yoga, I teach women to be kind to themselves -- no matter what their weight or current fitness level. Just move a little bit -- breathe -- notice how you feel. Repeat.

 

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#42 of 42 Old 10-09-2011, 05:25 AM
 
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OP, I'm so glad it's working out well.  It's such a hard thing. 

 

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I personally think Americans are overweight because of the last half of the 80s.  In the 80s it became obvious that our kids weren't safe playing outside...so, we started watching them closely, which meant they couldn't do all the things they were always doing.  It truly just wasn't safe.  Nothing can ever change that.  We can't even let our kids walk to school alone.   Then, Atari was born.  Then Kid's products started making sippy cups and little snack cups.  Then Costco started carrying Goldfish crackers in 4lb boxes, so our kids are never, ever without a snack and a drink.  



I agree that this TREND has been very damaging but agree with a PP that the danger is not true.  Kids are radically safer out in the world alone than I was, because not only does every passerby have a cell phone in case something is witnessed, but in many cases the kids do themselves.  Crime rates haven't gone up one bit.  Also we have sex offender registries we can view, updated, online, any time we want and our phones get Amber Alerts texted to us.  And *I* can be reached by cell if there's a problem.  I remember when I was little, if parents went out -- you could try to call the restaurant but really there were times people couldn't be reached.  Remember?  Remember when you were just plain on your own?

 

I have always been sceptical of parenting trends that suddenly shift in a generation and ask myself: what is the danger of NOT letting my kids out to play?  What are the possible consequences of going into totally unknown territory?  I've seen one of it:  I've met some of today's 20 year olds that cannot navigate for crap and think they are too good to ride a bike or use the bus.  But I think really they're just scared.

 

One of my friends' 9yo daughter is bulking up and she has even mentioned that her daughter does not go out to play and she knows part of that is her protectiveness.  She knows that when we are on the phone at any given moment her child is probably sitting around the house doing something sedentary and mine are running around outside or on their bikes.  No I can't see them, but I have to do dishes and laundry.  If they had to stay inside, or not go to the park every time *I* was busy, we'd either have a trashed house or they'd just be sitting around. 

 

It is hard to accept that for our kids' own good, we may need to not always know where they are.  Though remember thank goodness it's 2011, if you want to know you can give your kids a GPS phone and go track them online.

 

I got very angry a couple of years ago when the county pools changed policy from "children under 9 must have an adult" to "children under 13".  Now I'm getting mad again.  What else can a child who is not from a well off family do on a scorching summer afternoon in the South?  I'll tell you, they can bike to the pool and be active and healthy all afternoon and maybe the lifeguards will talk them into staying for swim team practice, which the county provides at a very low charge like the county provides pools at a very low charge -- so the kids can stay healthy. 

 

Or they can sit around their houses in the A/C while mom and dad are at work, watching Teen Moms and eating chips. 

 

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