She borrowed my things AGAIN, and LIED about it! - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-17-2011, 11:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My teen dd borrows things from me a lot.  She usually does not return them without me asking for them repeatedly, and frequently they come back unwashed, and sometimes stretched out.

 

I have told her, repeatedly, that she may not borrow my things any more.  This has gone on to the point that I just can't allow it.  And yet, it still keeps happening.

 

She has plenty of clothes - too much actually - and does not NEED anything of mine.  She also has a job and can afford to buy her own clothes, if there IS anything she wants.

 

This morning, when I was getting ready for work, preparing to be on camera, I realized that my eyebrows needed grooming.  And my tweezers (which I have hidden, because she has taken them frequently, without returning) were, once again GONE.  (She figured out where my hiding spot is.)

 

OK, I went to work (she was asleep, it was early).  Came home.  Told her that she may, under no circumstances, EVER borrow my things again.  She just does not show respect for me saying "No, you may not borrow my things."  And I told her that if she did it again, that I would have to go beyond just saying "You can't do that" and that there would be consequences.

 

And tonight, while trying on alternative outfits for an event tomorrow, she came in wearing MY jacket.  This jacket was hanging in my closet yesterday - I had touched it, and considered wearing it to a business dinner last night.  When I saw what she was wearing, I told her that it was mine and reminded her that she may NOT borrow my things.

 

And then SHE LIED, and said that it had been hanging in her closet since last spring (when I loaned it to her to wear to a funeral)!  I KNOW that jacket was in my closet - she had to have (once again) gone into my closet without permission and pull something of mine out.  She kept the lie up, argued with me, and appealed to DH.  Finally, she admitted that she had lied (while DH was out of the room).

 

Then she said she thought it was hers.  That's also a problem with letting her borrow things - somehow she ends up thinking that they are then hers (or  claiming this to excuse not returning them).

 

She has planned an event for next week, where I would be driving her and three of her friends two hours to a theme park, spending the day, and driving them home.  I am considering cancelling this.  I just do not have it in me right now to cheerfully, willingly, spend an entire day doing what she wants, when she has shown so little respect for me!

 

Is this a reasonable consequence?  Are there alternatives?

 

Just saying "You may not borrow my things" has had absolutely NO effect with her.

 

By the way, I've gotten absolutely ZERO support from DH about this, this evening.  After I had firmly established that she had, indeed, lied to me, he asked her "Did you lie?" and she said "Yes, but..." and once again claimed that she thought that the jacket was hers.  He said NOTHING. At. All.  I know, this part of the situation goes in Parents as Partners, and I might post there later.

 

I thought I was angry this morning when my tweezers were, once again, missing.  But now?  After her borrowing something without permission again, and then lying about it?!  Now I'm REALLY angry.

 


Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

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Old 12-18-2011, 09:14 AM
 
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I think it's a reasonable consequence. I don't care to give up a day running around for people who don't respect me either. And I'd explain it to her just like that.


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Old 12-18-2011, 09:38 AM
 
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I'd put a lock on my door and go hardcore, doing NOTHING for her outside of the basics until she stopped taking my stuff.

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Old 12-18-2011, 09:44 AM
 
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I not only think it is a reasonable consequence I would change the language you use when talking to her and her father about it.  She took or even, stole your things.  Borrowing is something you do when someone loans you something.  If you did no loaning, she did no borrowing.  Also when someone "borrows" something it is with intent to return it.  If she keeps things so long she "forgets" who it belongs to she isn't borrowing it.  Is this the way she behaves with friends?  I bet it is not, so she knows its not ok and is just taking advantage of you in a way she knows you resent (appropriately.)

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Old 12-18-2011, 09:52 AM
 
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If this is a consistent problem then sure.

 

We've adopted the "if you don't do your part, I don't do my part" line. This means, for example, if I ask them to clean the bathroom by a certain day and it doesn't get done, then I don't do their next request whether it's driving them to an after school activity or a party. This works incredibly well in our house. You asked her not to take your things and she chose not to comply. She asked YOU to take her to a theme park with friends... you don't HAVE to comply.

 

Another option. If I'd asked them not to use my things and they continued to do so (especially if they lied about it) I would likely take something of theirs without asking and without giving back for awhile like an ipod, laptop computer, some favorite clothing, ect. This might be a more direct punishment or one to do consistently to get your point across.


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Old 12-19-2011, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am relenting.  I'll drive her and her friends to the theme park.  I am too depressed to argue, too beaten down to stick up for myself.  I have zero support from DH in this (and a lot of other stuff, too).   I'm just so damn tired. 

 

She does, however, understand that she did TWO things that were not acceptable to me - taking my things without permission and then lying to cover it up.  Her privileges in other areas (screen time, telephone, texting, attending parties) have been restricted or temporarily eliminated.

 

If she ever takes my things again, I will absolutely go "hardcore", as one of you suggested.

 

I think the real problem here belongs in the Parents as Partners section - I don't have a partner, I'm married to a child.

 


Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

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Old 12-19-2011, 06:27 PM
 
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I"m sorry Ann.  Hugs
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita View Post

I am relenting.  I'll drive her and her friends to the theme park.  I am too depressed to argue, too beaten down to stick up for myself.  I have zero support from DH in this (and a lot of other stuff, too).   I'm just so damn tired. 

 

She does, however, understand that she did TWO things that were not acceptable to me - taking my things without permission and then lying to cover it up.  Her privileges in other areas (screen time, telephone, texting, attending parties) have been restricted or temporarily eliminated.

 

If she ever takes my things again, I will absolutely go "hardcore", as one of you suggested.

 

I think the real problem here belongs in the Parents as Partners section - I don't have a partner, I'm married to a child.

 



 

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Old 12-25-2011, 12:39 PM
 
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It sucks that your partner isn't backing you up.  

 

I tihink it's fair to let her know that this is the last time, next time you will make it uncomfortable for her to steal from you.  Sometimes moms and kids need a bit of a warm up before you can hand out the harsh punishment.  

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Old 01-01-2012, 11:36 AM
 
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I am sorry that you and your family have such adversarial relationships. That sounds like the real problem, manifesting in issues like tweezers, jackets, lying, consequences, and (DH's) lack of support.  Do you have any times or activities when you enjoy each other's company? I get the impression from the tone of your posts that the 3 of you aren't friends. I hope I am not overstepping the boundaries to suggest working on the relationships as a whole, more than the individual issues. I don't know if I would go as far as to suggest you seek family therapy - but in your situation I would want to repair the relationship with my daughter before she turns 18 and moves out.


Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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Old 01-01-2012, 09:03 PM
 
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Mamarhu, it is not HER  fault her daughter does not respect her personal property and her DH does not back her up with handling the problem. Your post sounded accusatory. OP, I have similar situations with my teen daughter, you have my sympathy.

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Old 01-02-2012, 06:55 PM
 
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I am sorry if my post sounded accusatory or critical. It was not intended that way at all. And I didn't intend or mean to imply anything about fault. I really meant that if family members are friends first and can respect and enjoy each other, the other stuff may sort of take care of itself.


Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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Old 01-02-2012, 09:35 PM
 
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I like to take the comical approach to these things.  Maybe I'm immature.  But DD1 takes my crap all the time.  tweezers, scarves and things I don't want messed with.  I told her I dropped my tweezers in the toilet and now she thinks they're disgusting... he he he.  My mom would borrow my clothes, I fixed that by never washing them and putting them back in my drawers.  I only washed what I planned on wearing the next day.  Took a lot of effort but you got to do what you got to do.  I don't know, I might drill a hole and them and do the  pen thing or have an alarm go off if my bedroom door was opened.  That's just me. 

 

By the way OP, I really hope things get better for you.  Lots of love and hugs... and tell her you dropped your tweezers on a nice toasty toilet turd.  See if she takes them again.  And if she does, I guess you could resort to name calling... "turd face"!  And again... I've got issues.

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