I really hate parenting a teen and I have 3 more to go. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 01-08-2012, 07:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 03:07 AM
 
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Why are you ashamed of your child's medical condition? It's not her fault - or yours - and I am assuming that you are doing what is necessary from a medical/psychiatric perspective to help her get balanced.

 

Have you considered some time with a counselor to help you come to terms with your daughter's issues?

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#3 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 04:40 AM
 
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Oh man Poppymama!  I understand your frustrations.  It's like a hormonal girl on crack with rage!  And you worry about who all she'll effect.  Once she's on her own how will she be?  Who might she hurt?  And I'm not talking physically.  Like MTiger asked, is she in therapy?  I know you said she has a diagnosis, is she on medication?

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#4 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 09:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post Like MTiger asked, is she in therapy?  I know you said she has a diagnosis, is she on medication?


I didn't actually ask that. I suggested that OP consider therapy for herself, to come to terms with her daughter's medical issue and why she is ashamed of/disappointed in her.

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#5 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 09:39 AM
 
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Sorry... I thought you were talking about the daughter.  Bi polar and BPD are hard.  Especially if it's not understood around you.  I totally understand what she is saying.  When DH was first diagnosed I freaked out.  I didn't understand it all.  I thought as most people did that he was just a raging asshole part of the time and miserable the rest.  I was embarrased by how he acted and how he treated people.  He had odd reactions to things and it was difficult for me.  Now after years of therapy and CBT he is well.  I'm well.  I was just trying to tell her I understand instead of jumping on her for her voicing her feelings.  When you're around Bi polar or BPD and it's uncontrolled as is usually the case in the beginning it's trying.  The first thing people do is go after the family that just doesn't understand and who really are not allowed to say anything negative. 

 

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Originally Posted by mtiger View Post



I didn't actually ask that. I suggested that OP consider therapy for herself, to come to terms with her daughter's medical issue and why she is ashamed of/disappointed in her.



 

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#6 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 10:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

Sorry... I thought you were talking about the daughter.  Bi polar and BPD are hard.  Especially if it's not understood around you.  I totally understand what she is saying.  When DH was first diagnosed I freaked out.  I didn't understand it all.  I thought as most people did that he was just a raging asshole part of the time and miserable the rest.  I was embarrased by how he acted and how he treated people.  He had odd reactions to things and it was difficult for me.  Now after years of therapy and CBT he is well.  I'm well.  I was just trying to tell her I understand instead of jumping on her for her voicing her feelings.  When you're around Bi polar or BPD and it's uncontrolled as is usually the case in the beginning it's trying.  The first thing people do is go after the family that just doesn't understand and who really are not allowed to say anything negative. 

 



 



Thing is... she's not talking about what other people think, She's talking about what SHE thinks. That she is disappointed in and (apparently) embarrassed by her child. And therapy may help her come to terms that her child is ill, but still has value. Still has positive attributes that round her out into a person to be proud of. I'm not judging her - I think she just needs some help for herself. The child apparently is getting the care she needs. Now Mom does. There is no shame in that.

 

And yes, I have my own experiences with BPD, so I'm not clueless.

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#7 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 10:37 AM
 
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You're right she may need therapy and time to come to acceptance.  I just don't like coming off negative at someone who is reaching out, especially when it has to do with mental illness.  It's been a hard ride and if I ever said some of the things I thought outloud or even on this board, I'm sure I'd have a thousand posts bashing me for my honesty. 

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#8 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 11:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#9 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 11:35 AM
 
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And thats the part I understood!  I get it and I'm sorry you're having a very hard time with this.  I have seen numerous situations where there is no abuse and where there is abuse and some of the things that go on would creep some people out.  Yet you feel like you have a ticking time bomb and other people treat you like the whole family has a disease!  I get it, and I'm sorry your family is going through this.  I hope that something will work for her so that she can actually enjoy life without hurting others.

 

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I do need therapy to come to grips with my powerlessness and to better balance my needs and the rest of the families needs with her situation but I dont have insurance and the sliding scale options arent very good and have been counterproductive. She is on medication for now and has been on many before, she sees a psychiatrist but is inbetween therapists as she fired the last one and we haven't been able to get another that will work for her yet. The looming bpd diagnosis complicates things and she will need to participate in her treatment for that. She is not willing to do the work and her psychiatrist and I have agreed that its best to delay saying anything about bpd. I can't help feeling ashamed and feeling that doesn't make me insensitive to her condition, it makes me human. At 11 she went from bizarre and repulsive hygiene issues that had me thinking she would never date to text sex and soliciting grown men online its gotten better and worse from there. I am the keeper of the secrets which is very isolating people may be sympathetic but they don't want to know since she is so young people dont want to acknowledge that children who are not horribly abuse can act this way and damaged or ill they wouldn't want her around their children.


 

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#10 of 16 Old 01-09-2012, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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To answer mtiger- she absolutely has value which is why I struggle so hard to figure out what she needs to grow into a happy, good adult.

My inner thoughts over the years will never leave me through words online or out of my mouth. I don't think I would even trust a counselor but maybe once my dds is 18 and I have no custody fears.
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#11 of 16 Old 01-10-2012, 05:31 AM
 
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I do sympathize, because I know that you're not having an easy time of it. But... it is very likely that she knows that you're disappointed. I hope that she can find a way to help herself by participating as she needs to. And that you can find a way to come to terms with who she is. I really do.

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#12 of 16 Old 01-11-2012, 08:13 AM
 
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I wish you were in my area! I am just starting a support group for the parents of kids in the mental health system. Look for a group through mental health services in your area. Other families have faced these issues and feelings, and really were more helpful to me than my own therapist. The feelings of guilt and isolation are so-o-o common, and I feel best addressed by someone who has BTDT, rather than a young educated therapist with no experience in the treanches.


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#13 of 16 Old 01-11-2012, 08:47 AM
 
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OP  -- it's not so much that you hate parenting a teen -- you hate parenting a teen with a mental illness. You've got a heck of a lot more on  your plate than just a teen.

 

Unfortunately there are huge holes in our health care system, and treating teens with mental health issues is one of them. There was a heart-wrenching series in our paper a couple of years back about the struggles parents went through when trying to get their teens care. It's hard because they do have a certain amount of autonomy and you can't make them talk to a therapist or a doctor. Even taking meds is tricky.

 

If you can't do therapy, are there any online forums particularly for parents of children with mental health issues. I'm thinking that some outside perspectives of parents who've been there might really help. It'll also help you think through things like when in a crisis do you ask for inpatient care and other things that most of us have no clue about dealing with.


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#14 of 16 Old 01-21-2012, 10:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#15 of 16 Old 01-28-2012, 10:17 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post

Give me all the screaming, teen forum tyrannical toddlers in the world but I'm not sure what to do once this person who disappoints me as a human being.  I know my 14dd will be the hardest but I'm now terrified I won't make it through the boys and I really wish I could afford boarding school because I don't want the responsibility of parenting my dd on a daily basis anymore.  She has a bipolar diagnosis that will probably be changed to bpd when she gets older, what the hell did I do wrong?  In all honesty there are moments when I fantasize about being able to start over with a different kid.  She can also be really sweet and funny and wonderful but man do I feel so much shame for this person I contributed to the world.


You haven't done anything wrong. Life has its own way to catch us with unexpected problems. You say you would like to restart with another kid and that's perfectly understandable and I used to fantasize about that kind of things as well when my daughter was driving me nUts and made me wanna go on xanax lol but trust me you don't really want that. You're just in a rough period with your kid but I'm sure you'll get over it and love him even more.

 

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#16 of 16 Old 03-09-2012, 12:13 PM
 
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hugs poppymama!!

 

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