You might also be interested in Anthony Wolfe's parenting books and his theory of the baby-self. His books are funny and super easy to read. I don't agree with all of his ideas, but like LLL I take what works and leave the rest. Overall I think he's got some pretty good points.
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
I think therapy for yourself is a great idea--that's where I would start, not with putting your dd in therapy. It is our responsibility as adults to make the first moves to changing a situation, or even just understanding the situation. I have found a world of difference between 11/12 and 13--it's not always easy, in fact it's pretty challenging sometimes. But we have to be the parents and step up to the plate and do the work ourselves to parent effectively during these years. If we need help to do so, so be it. I say do what you need to do in order to parent well. The risks of not doing so are just too high.
Of course, your dd may welcome the opportunity to have the support of a counselor. One thing I am very grateful for are the strong and positive female role models in my dd's life. Our kids need the formal or informal places to go and people to be with, that are not us as their parents, as they start to move away form us.
I was just going to post about my struggles dealing with my 10 and 11 3/4 yo dds ...
Your dd sounds quite a bit like my 10 yo ...
My 10 yo is exceptionally bright and insightful, but she has ADD and often that manifests itself in what *feels* to me like laziness -- her father is similarly challenged and it is part of why our marriage ended -- I cannot tolerate folks who sit around and let their world pile up and fall apart around them (literally).
I am freaked out about my daughter because I don't want her to have the same experience as her father so I tend to over-react to her behavior. Still a HUGE work-in-progress for me.
My gut response to your description is that your dd is not untypical of an 11 yo -- I delayed my older dd's entry to kindergarten because she wasn't ready socially and emotionally, so she is in 5th grade, too and it is perfect on every level for her.
My gut also is that your dd may have add -- thus "memory," word-recall issues and absent-mindedness regarding everyday chores.
My dd with add had delayed speech, delayed reading, some physical manifestations (tip-toed, reflux, poor muscle tone), serious sleep-issues (thus she still climbs in with me many nights even though she sleeps much better) and yet ... she caught up on all fronts and is considered "gifted and talented" and in the excelerated academic program, like your daughter.
But, like your dd, mine is not a "doer" or a "worker" -- she is a dreamer, a thinker, a lover of people -- incredibly generous, kind; incredibly creative and artistic ... And, for this organized doer of a mother -- a very frustrating member of the household. So I totally get you!
I keep trying to help my dd find coping mechanisms so she can function, can contribute at home (and minimize my frustration with her lack of "pitching in," and so hopefully she can function as an independent adult (unlike her poor father). So far, I think I just make her feel badly about herself even while I totally appreciate her gifts. I just over-react to her "laziness" (gotta read that book referenced by the pp) because of a) my preference for doers and b) my fear based on her father's massive disfunction.
So, I hope we both can find a) patience, b) time to affirm the gifts, and c) mechanisms to help our challenging dds achieve a sense of efficacy and be contributing members of the household.
I have been in therapy on and off for C-PTSD the last 15 years. I had a very atypical childhood and blocked out a number of periods due to trauma, but I have been working on it for awhile. I haven't been to therapy lately as my therapist said I didn't need to keep coming unless I wanted to/could afford it, and I recently got on a cheaper insurance plan to cut costs so I stopped going. Anyway, my therapist had suggested her talking to someone on the "outside" of the situation a little about her perceptions on things to gauge whether or not what she's going through is "normal" or problematic, and I wasn't too worried but she has increased this behavior lately so I think it's time. I have read How To Talk... and I do use a lot of those techniques. You could ask her to go eat candy and her first response is to complain. I try to be as positive as I can around her, pointing out the beauty in even the worst situation. We give thanks every time we sit down to a meal. Usually, both DDs offer something like "I'm thankful for macaroni", but sometimes, they get pretty deep, and I always make sure to give thanks for them and commend the things they do. She is an amazing person, she surprises me every day with her thoughtfulness and never fails to make me laugh. I have a tendency to write a little more dramatically than I think sometimes so this situation isn't as terrible as some of you may be reading into. On a scale of 1-10 in relationship quality and general behavior she is solidly an 8 so far as "kids in the world" go, so my complaining is more of a first world problem and I'm sure I make it out to be worse than it really is. The difference is this "me" isn't the one my kids or partner see on a regular basis, I don't make a habit of whining and moaning in person, and I am making the mistake of being a little more candid than I should but that's the beauty of the interwebz. I believe there is a meme referring to this concept but I digress.
Anyway, ADD/ADHD might be something of an issue here but I don't necessarily agree with that diagnosis. In any case, I don't believe in medication for it unless the severity precludes so. Her father has similar inattention problems but he also started smoking pot as a young teenager so who knows. In any case, I'm sure talking to a professional could be beneficial.
(gender)queer vegetarian artist co-parenting DDs 14 & 11 with DP and TTC little peanut #3
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