9 year old girl sharing a shower with two other girls..........what do you think? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Would you let your 9 year old daughter shower with two of her girlfriends (naked and in one shower)
No 14 42.42%
Yes 19 57.58%
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#1 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, so I was just curious as to what the other mommies thought.........a friend just told me how her daughter went to a sleep over.......and she just informed mom that the 'mom in charge' had her take a shower with two other gals.........they are all about 9 years old........naked a jaybirds in the shower/tub...with 'mom in charge' coming into the bathroom several times to ??check on kids.....Do you let your 9 year old daughter shower with her friends? I'm getting mixed answers from local mommies.....Thanks.


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#2 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 06:39 PM
 
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I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. 


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#3 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 06:49 PM
 
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No, not a good idea. Even if the girls are best friends and totally comfortable, it's just not a line I would cross. A rinse off after the pool or beach with everyone in their suits, fine. Naked with a strange adult checking in on them? That's just asking for trouble. 


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#4 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 06:50 PM
 
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I wouldnt allow it and they should at very least ask the parents. Its good to ask about this stuff. I let my 4 YO and her friend take a bath together, but I asked her mother first.


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#5 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 07:57 PM
 
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I wouldn't allow my child to go back to that house. Ever.


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#6 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 08:03 PM
 
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I don't know. I remember being around 7 and taking a bath with my friend. I don't think it's necessarily something to be worried about. 


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#7 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 08:05 PM
 
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I wouldn't like it at all. I find the part about the mom coming in especially disturbing. I suggest you remind her that her naked body is only for her eyes and teach her what you want her to do in think type of situation. When my Dr told me about her friends mom having her change in the living room while her friend wandered the house naked I told her to say no thanks I will wait until the bathroom is free. I also made sure to remind her that it is never ever appropriate for an adult to look at her naked body except the doctor if she needs to to keep her healthy (she is past the age where she needs help bathing). I think sometimes it helps to remind kids that privacy is a right they can stand up for even when they are a guest.
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#8 of 55 Old 02-15-2012, 08:45 PM
 
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I remember showering in swim suits together around that age but not naked- thats too old IMO.  I also remember being 10 and staying with a family and sharing a shower with the 8 and 7 year old- the mama was a big hippie and I think it had to do with being a big family and conserving water. I had hair and boobs at this point and it was not ok but at the time seemed like no big deal


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#9 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 05:21 AM
 
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Is your friend;s child uncomfortable with the situation?

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#10 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 07:13 AM
 
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My 9 year old would think nothing of this, and it wouldn't bother me.  How is this any different from showering and changing clothes in front of other girls and women in a locker room at school or at a pool or gym?  Of course, if one or more of the girls wanted privacy and was uncomfortable with the situation, they shouldn't be required to shower together, but if none of them care, what's the big deal?

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#11 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 07:36 AM
 
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Nope, there is no reason for it. I would ask the mother why she thought it was ok?  If they were siblings that's one thing otherwise... no. 

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#12 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 07:54 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

My 9 year old would think nothing of this, and it wouldn't bother me.  How is this any different from showering and changing clothes in front of other girls and women in a locker room at school or at a pool or gym?  Of course, if one or more of the girls wanted privacy and was uncomfortable with the situation, they shouldn't be required to shower together, but if none of them care, what's the big deal?



I agree with this.

 

I think there are a range of healthy attitudes around being naked with other people, and nothing in the situation that the OP described seemed troublesome to me, if none of the girls was uncomfortable with the situation.

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#13 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 08:07 AM
 
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I have two daughters and they have sleep overs all the time; never have they and their friends taken baths or showers together. When the girls were younger, they were always bathed before they came over. Now that they are older (14 and 11), their friends shower, but alone. Sometimes they change in the same room, but only from one outfit to another. They have bras and panties on, which cover as much as bathing suits. Now that I think about it, whenever my girls have had or been to sleep overs, the bathing was discussion was always held at drop off.

 

I have been teaching high school for 16 years, and I have never taught at a school where kids shower after PE- and I live in the South. They change in locker rooms, but no one is ever completely naked.

 

Both my girls started going through puberty by age nine and their bodies were developing. They would have been uncomfortable about showering naked with two friends. I do agree that it depends on the comfort level, and I think that if any of the children are parents are uncomfortable, it should be respected.

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#14 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 08:29 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

My 9 year old would think nothing of this, and it wouldn't bother me.  How is this any different from showering and changing clothes in front of other girls and women in a locker room at school or at a pool or gym?  Of course, if one or more of the girls wanted privacy and was uncomfortable with the situation, they shouldn't be required to shower together, but if none of them care, what's the big deal?

 

I agree with this take. 

 

However, I don't think my kids have ever showered or bathed on a sleepover nor have I asked kids who have slept over at our house to bathe/shower. 

 

I do think it absolutely depends on the comfort level of the kids involved, but if all the girls were okay with it I don't see a problem. 

 

Kids who are on athletic teams in schools, do take showers and change in the locker rooms. 

 

My dds (11 and 8) are, of course, sisters, but they regularly share the bathroom and are naked around each other. For some reason the bathroom is terribly funny and exciting (they go crazy in there every night when it's time to brush their teeth and get ready for bed). The whole bathroom-as-fun/crazy-place seems to carry over with many of their friends and they love to go to the bathroom together to cut up. So I could see my kids being okay with taking a shower together with friends. However my dd2 can also be very modest (for some reason, she hates to share the bathroom in the morning, but thinks it's great at night) and I could see her not wanting to do it, too.

 

If the kids are all okay with it, and if the mom knocked on the door and asked if she could come in (can't blame her for wanting to see if there was water all over the place) I wouldn't have a problem with it. 
 

 


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#15 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 04:51 PM
 
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I'm not yet a parent but I thought I would reply and say that if all the girls were comfortable taking a shower together then I do not see a problem, however, if they anyone was their comfort should have been respected. When I was that age I would take showers with my best friend, we did it because we were often in a hurry to get somewhere (soccer practice, dance, etc.). We continued to take showers together through high school and still do sometimes if it happens to be more convenient (after the beach at someone lake house, lots of people not much hot water or similar situations). It worked for us but of course would not for everyone, it was just our level of comfort. Now, I would not have been comfortable with any adult walking in on me naked at that age, but I guess it just depends on everyone's comfort and need for privacy. 

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#16 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 05:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

My 9 year old would think nothing of this, and it wouldn't bother me.  How is this any different from showering and changing clothes in front of other girls and women in a locker room at school or at a pool or gym?  Of course, if one or more of the girls wanted privacy and was uncomfortable with the situation, they shouldn't be required to shower together, but if none of them care, what's the big deal?



I agree with this.  With my girls, my oldest has never shared a shower with anyone other than her sisters.  My middle kid (9) and her very best friend do occassionally share a shower.  And, what's funny is that my 9 yr old is usually the more modest of the two. 

 

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#17 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 06:10 PM
 
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What exactly makes this uncomfortable for people? The nudity or the presence of a parent in the bathroom?

 

I was a tomboy and my best friend and I used to get filthy when we played outdoors. Then we'd go jump in her mom's huge whirlpool bath and have a blast. I'm pretty sure we did that until sixth grade, and I'm pretty sure her mom monitored us at least a bit. Who cares?

 

If the girl was uncomfortable and forced into it, of course that's wrong. It just depends on the scenario. I wouldn't let my daughters spend the night at a friend's house (at that age) if I did not know and trust the adult in charge.

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#18 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 06:29 PM
 
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If my 9 year old is ok with it, then I would be fine. I don't know how DD1 would feel about it. She is getting to that age where sometimes she is modest, other times, not at all. She wanders around our house naked all the time but then worries if someone else is going to see her if she is changing in the car for a sport practice. If all the girls were ok with it then that is different then if they were uncomfortable with it. 


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#19 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 06:33 PM
 
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I would have no problem with this either. When we lived in Florida, my then 10 year old daughter and her friends would shower together when we came back from the beach. It never occurred to me that their parents would have a problem with it. I wouldn't "check on them", but I have opened the door to talk to them. On a recent trip down south, my now 12 yo daughter and her friend showered together every day when we got back from the pool. I didn't think twice, nor did the other three adults in the house. My same daughter is actually having a sleepover tonight with a friend, and she just came into my room with her friend, stripped naked and changed while talking to me. None of us batted an eye. I am pleased that none of my kids feels the need to hide their bodies around people they know and trust.

 

I wonder the same as the above poster. Is it the nudity, the mom, or what other issues?  I think the only issue I would have is if one of the children was uncomfortable.


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#20 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 06:55 PM
 
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Quote:
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What exactly makes this uncomfortable for people? The nudity or the presence of a parent in the bathroom?

 

I was a tomboy and my best friend and I used to get filthy when we played outdoors. Then we'd go jump in her mom's huge whirlpool bath and have a blast. I'm pretty sure we did that until sixth grade, and I'm pretty sure her mom monitored us at least a bit. Who cares?

 

If the girl was uncomfortable and forced into it, of course that's wrong. It just depends on the scenario. I wouldn't let my daughters spend the night at a friend's house (at that age) if I did not know and trust the adult in charge.

 

The discomfort for me would be in an adult asking my child to shower with others in their home. We constantly have girls staying here especially the Girl Scouts. I don't require they shower. I would certainly not ask them to shower together. I had one girl who was an abuse victim and she didn't even want others to touch her let alone see her naked. Most started not even wanting to change around each other at 9  (which is when most were starting to develop.) They seem to have gotten over that now that they are in high school but at that age, most wanted to change alone even though they had known some of these girls from toddlerhood.

 

Some are trying to equate it with sports and P.E. but that doesn't really work in our area. The schools don't use the showers and haven't since I was in them 20 years ago. The gyms in our area offer private shower stalls. The open showers are used for rinsing off after the pool. I've never seen a naked person there... especially since there are sometimes 7-year-old boys hanging around with mom. When I camp with my girl scouts, they have separate, private shower stalls. My kids do theatre and are used to changing around others but they aren't stripping down to nothing and it's different from showering with 2 other girls in a standard sized home bathroom.

 

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with 9-year-olds showering together. It the parents are all on board and the kids are truly comfortable. I just feel it's inappropriate to ask that at a random sleep-over where you may not know the girls history nor know the other families well. Many girls that age would not want to disobey the mom in charge or worry about being teased if they didn't go along with it and so would do it despite their discomfort level. 


 

 

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#21 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 07:15 PM
 
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I wouldn't let my daughters spend the night at a friend's house (at that age) if I did not know and trust the adult in charge.


This is key. If I think about my daughters and the friends that they spend the night with, I know the parents and kids very well and it would be a non-issue for me. I also know my kids very well and know that they would feel very comfortable telling one of these friends' moms that they didn't want to take a shower with the other girls and wanted some privacy if that was how they felt.

 

This situation happened to the OP's friend's kid so we're getting it all third hand, but the OP said "and she (the daughter) just informed mom that the 'mom in charge' had her take a shower with two other gals". It's unclear to me (and maybe also to the OP) what was involved when the mom in charge "had her take a shower" with the other girls. Was that like, "you get in there right now and take a shower!" or was it more of a "time to take a shower now — do you want to all take a shower together?" Without more to go on I can't say how I would feel about this scenario, but I do know that I know the moms where my kids would spend the night and they absolutely wouldn't force the kids to shower together. If anybody came up with that idea it would be the kids.

 

BTW, moms whose kids have sleepovers, does showering usually go on? We've never done it at our house and my kids have never done it at their friends' houses. They have showered together at the pool many times.


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#22 of 55 Old 02-16-2012, 08:13 PM
 
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BTW, moms whose kids have sleepovers, does showering usually go on? We've never done it at our house and my kids have never done it at their friends' houses. They have showered together at the pool many times.


No, showers at sleepovers aren't common in our area. We've had a least one kid stay over a month for the last 7 or 8 years and they've rarely chosen to shower until they hit high school age. DD has taken a shower at friends houses the last year because she's in high school and often sleepovers are before dances and such. Before that, no. DS has never showered at a friends house. He usually showers before going and when they get home.

 


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#23 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 07:48 AM
 
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I agree that the weird part is the mom popping in to check on them. At 9, I don't think 3 children would have a problem showering without supervision. Through 4th grade, I had a couple of friends I showered with, as both of my DDs did. They both had a couple of friends they had known since they were preschool age and were commonly naked together as small children, so it would seem weirder to impose some "you're too old to be naked around each other" rule than to let them make that decision themselves. DD14 stopped showering with her step sister/best friend around puberty and I suspect DD11 has reached that point, too, but at 9 I don't think it's uncommon or "weird". I would, however, be weirded out by the presence of other mom, unless there was a good reason she needed to be in there.


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#24 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 10:07 AM
 
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Really, if the girls didn't have an issue with it? I wouldn't either. Even the Mom. I could see popping my head in to see if they needed anything. Or to remind them to wash armpits and privates. Don't forget to rinse out the conditioner (LOL I always forget!).

 

BUT... my daughter has no issues with stripping down in front of most any g/f or Mom. Her thought is "we've all got the same bits!" She'll strip down to a sports bra/sliders in public if she needs to change her uniform or whatever. Just recently she stripped down at the hot tub 'cause she went in with bra/sliders and wanted to change into dry ones - she just asked me to hold up a towel in front of her - wasn't worried about the butt side.

 

I could see a girl w/more modesty being a little less... out there.

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#25 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 11:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzer Beater View Post

What exactly makes this uncomfortable for people? The nudity or the presence of a parent in the bathroom?

 

I was a tomboy and my best friend and I used to get filthy when we played outdoors. Then we'd go jump in her mom's huge whirlpool bath and have a blast. I'm pretty sure we did that until sixth grade, and I'm pretty sure her mom monitored us at least a bit. Who cares?

 

If the girl was uncomfortable and forced into it, of course that's wrong. It just depends on the scenario. I wouldn't let my daughters spend the night at a friend's house (at that age) if I did not know and trust the adult in charge.



For me it is mostly the presence of the mom in the bathroom that makes this seem like a very inappropriate situation.  There is no reason for an adult to be in the bathroom with a nine year old unless they have a medical or developmental condition that makes it impossible for them to bathe themselves independently.  It doesn't sound like that was the case here. 

 

I would also worry that my dd didn't see this as a choice she could say no to because the adult in charge told her to do it.  This mother really should have known that kids won't always say what they are comfortable with when they don't think they have a choice.  On top of that, bathing is really not something kids do at sleepovers.  All of this combined would really make me wonder about the mother's motives and if it were my child I would strongly consider a call to CPS, especially if there were other times when it seemed like the mother hadn't respected my dd's privacy.

 

As an aside: OP I totally misread your post in my original response.  I was reading from my little phone and very tired.  Sorry about that.

 

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#26 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 12:40 PM
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BTW, moms whose kids have sleepovers, does showering usually go on? We've never done it at our house and my kids have never done it at their friends' houses. They have showered together at the pool many times.



No, showers are regular.  With my older dd (who showers daily), I will put out towels and let the kids know that they MAY shower if they would like to.  I think only one girl has taken us up on that. 

 

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#27 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 01:42 PM
 
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For me it is mostly the presence of the mom in the bathroom that makes this seem like a very inappropriate situation.  There is no reason for an adult to be in the bathroom with a nine year old unless they have a medical or developmental condition that makes it impossible for them to bathe themselves independently.  It doesn't sound like that was the case here. 

 

I would also worry that my dd didn't see this as a choice she could say no to because the adult in charge told her to do it.  This mother really should have known that kids won't always say what they are comfortable with when they don't think they have a choice.  On top of that, bathing is really not something kids do at sleepovers.  All of this combined would really make me wonder about the mother's motives and if it were my child I would strongly consider a call to CPS, especially if there were other times when it seemed like the mother hadn't respected my dd's privacy.

 

 

A call to CPS?!  Even just considering that seems like a way over the top response to me.  To me, this seems similar to the situation when I take my kids to the local pool for swimming lessons or a homeschool get-together.  Afterwards there are generally several girls around my DD's age or younger (she's 9) taking showers, drying off, and putting on clothes while several moms hang around in the locker room handing kids towels, chatting with each other, and hurrying the kids along.  Yes, the girls are naked in front of each other, and yes, adults are there seeing other people's naked kids.  No one cares.  The kids have a tendency to stand around talking to each other or getting silly or having fun with the hair dryer unless the moms keep nagging them to work on getting dressed.  I can imagine the mom at the sleepover might have been doing the same thing - just making sure the kids were really washing and drying and not just fooling around.  Even if one of the girls was uncomfortable about having to shower with the others or having an adult see her naked, I can't get see getting too outraged about it.  Being a little embarrassed isn't the worst thing that can happen to a kid.

 

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#28 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 01:45 PM
 
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What exactly makes this uncomfortable for people? The nudity or the presence of a parent in the bathroom?

 

 

 


For me it is mostly the presence of the mom in the bathroom that makes this seem like a very inappropriate situation.  There is no reason for an adult to be in the bathroom with a nine year old unless they have a medical or developmental condition that makes it impossible for them to bathe themselves independently.  It doesn't sound like that was the case here. 

 

How old are your kids? I still sit in the bathroom while my 8.5 yo ds takes a bath- he likes me to give him math facts during this time.  He also likes me to help him out of the tub with a towel etc.  he is a little immature but that s just how it is in our family.

I am sure he will want more privacy sooner rather than later- but I am his mom and he is not ashamed of his naked body in front of me.


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#29 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 01:59 PM
 
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My 9yo and her friend pop in and out of each other's shower stalls after swim team to share conditioner and things.  I think it's kind of silly, but it doesn't send up any red flags to me.

 

The situation described in the OP -- three girls in a tub with mom checking several times -- is really pushing the boundaries of what I'd be comfortable with.  I would not call CPS, but I'd probably make sure I hosted the next sleepover/playdate.


Carseat-checking (CPST) and WAH mama to a twelve-year-old girl.
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#30 of 55 Old 02-17-2012, 05:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

How old are your kids? I still sit in the bathroom while my 8.5 yo ds takes a bath- he likes me to give him math facts during this time.  He also likes me to help him out of the tub with a towel etc.  he is a little immature but that s just how it is in our family.

I am sure he will want more privacy sooner rather than later- but I am his mom and he is not ashamed of his naked body in front of me.



Uuuummmm... My nearlt 18yo daughter likes me in the bathroom when she showers. It's  good time for us to chat about stuff.

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