help! my 18 year old wants to have sex - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 03-23-2012, 08:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My 18 yr old dd, Madelyn's, friend (named Alyson) told her mom that Madelyn had texted her (Alyson) about wanting to have sex with her boyfriend. Alyson's mom told me this. So then of course I go through her phone texts and find that she has texted her friends about this and texted her boyfriend saying "i wanna have sex w/ u" and he replied with "me 2." What should I do?
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#2 of 21 Old 03-23-2012, 09:19 PM
 
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She's 18, her friend sucks and so does her friends mom.  Why would you go through her stuff?  I so don't understand this. 

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#3 of 21 Old 03-23-2012, 09:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

She's 18, her friend sucks and so does her friends mom.  Why would you go through her stuff?  I so don't understand this. 



I agree, and also - she's 18.  She's a legal adult.  She may have even had sex before now.  

 

OP, if you feel the need to discuss this with your daughter, give her some condoms and teach her about safe sex if you haven't already.  You can't stop her from doing it, but you can help her do it safely.


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#4 of 21 Old 03-23-2012, 09:41 PM
 
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Stop reading her texts and respect her privacy.  Why do you think you should do anything?  Is there a problem?  Do you have a moral worry? 

 

I am really, really surprised her friend and friend's mom would think that you need to hear from them about your adult daughter's sex life.  You and dd should be talking to each other, but I think it is okay if she doesn't want to share about it with you as long as she already has knowledge about safety and health concerns. After all, you probably don't tell her much about your sexual activities either and consider that private.  Obviously if you and your dd haven't talked about practical sexual matters, you need to go ahead and do so so she can take care of herself. 


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#5 of 21 Old 03-23-2012, 10:15 PM
 
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This is off topic but, OP I have read a few of your posts now and I wonder if you might consider removing your kids names from them? Especially as it looks like your username includes your surname. This form is searchable on Google and most of your posts are about fairly private matters.

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#6 of 21 Old 03-24-2012, 05:47 AM
 
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I know which of my daughter's friends are sexually active - and I would never dream to contact their parents about it. Any more than I would expectthem to contact me about my daughter (luckily, she tells me these things herself).

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#7 of 21 Old 03-24-2012, 07:57 AM
 
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Yeah, she's an adult. While I might give you some slack going through a troubled 13-year-olds texts, going through an 18-year-olds phone messages is not appropriate.

 

At this point, hope you've taught her well about the risks and about using protection every time.


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#8 of 21 Old 03-24-2012, 08:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

She's 18, her friend sucks and so does her friends mom.  Why would you go through her stuff?  I so don't understand this. 

ITA! If you haven't had the safe sex talk yet it is a little late now. It sounds like you really need to work on boundaries and taking your relationship to the next stage. My mother had a hard time with this and I am sure I will too.

Telling her what happened and apologizing sincerely may help. You should also tell her your plans to respect her privacy and your hope that she will feel comfortable coming to you to talk about things like this also. You could go from there to tell her you hope she will wait or at least have safe sex. I think it is important to your relationship for you to follow through with respecting her privacy. If you have to motivate her to get a job, her own phone, and an apartment of her own so you can do that then I really encourage you to do so. It really does help the mother daughter relationship to live away from each other imo.
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#9 of 21 Old 04-01-2012, 02:53 PM
 
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My DD is almost 17(in July) has been on BC since Oct 2011 when she came to me like a mature person and told me she was ready to be sexually active with her boyfriend I made an appt with our family Dr. I have told my daughters since before puberty that when they decided they were ready all they had to do is ask. I know she is not sexually active and is still a virgin because she talks to me about this kind of stuff,I don't need to go snooping around in her room,on her computer or through her phone either.


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#10 of 21 Old 04-04-2012, 12:45 PM
 
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She's 18. End of story. Now, if you will allow her to have sex under your roof, that's a different story. Although I would think that's better than some backseat God knows where, it's still your house, your rules. Telling other people's parents is generally a bad idea, as it makes the child believe they can't trust you and won't share info with you (or the other kid and their parents)... learned that one when I made an offhand comment to another parent that didn't incriminate her daughter but guilty by association, you know, long story short she's not allowed to go to any parties anymore and my DD was pissed that I got her friend "in trouble" because some of their other friends went on an unsupervised "walk" to smoke pot. If I were you, I would sit her down and have a talk about birth control options and the perils of teenage pregnancy, that's about all you can do at this point. Also, if I were you, I would do everything I can to keep a dialogue open so she feels like she can come to you in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, or if her boyfriend tries to make her do something she's not comfortable with or worse.


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#11 of 21 Old 04-05-2012, 11:07 AM
 
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While I agree with most of the PP here, I would like to say that I think the OP would be better served by more supportive and gentle suggestions, even when frank and emphatic. I love mdc but I have found that when people disagree, it can be really ugly. I am guessing that OP is trying her best, like all of us, to be a great mom and let's be honest - it's very difficult. The failures I have probably seem like horrible crimes to others who are not in my shoes. Who knows why any mom struggles with any given scenario, or might make choices that are perceived by the rest of us as unhelpful? This is a SUPPORT FORUM for mothers, not a family law court. Can we please try to be more gentle and empathetic with one another?

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#12 of 21 Old 04-05-2012, 05:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by andromedajulie View Post

While I agree with most of the PP here, I would like to say that I think the OP would be better served by more supportive and gentle suggestions, even when frank and emphatic. I love mdc but I have found that when people disagree, it can be really ugly. I am guessing that OP is trying her best, like all of us, to be a great mom and let's be honest - it's very difficult. The failures I have probably seem like horrible crimes to others who are not in my shoes. Who knows why any mom struggles with any given scenario, or might make choices that are perceived by the rest of us as unhelpful? This is a SUPPORT FORUM for mothers, not a family law court. Can we please try to be more gentle and empathetic with one another?



I think the responses might have been a little more gentle if the OP hadn't used so much personal information in the post, and showed a little bit more respect to her adult daughter than going through her personal texts.

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#13 of 21 Old 04-06-2012, 12:13 AM
 
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Yeah the OP kinda said she SNOOPED, so... right there she lost me.  If you can't respect your ADULT child do you really think you're gonna get gentle responses?

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#14 of 21 Old 04-06-2012, 12:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by andromedajulie View Post

While I agree with most of the PP here, I would like to say that I think the OP would be better served by more supportive and gentle suggestions, even when frank and emphatic. I love mdc but I have found that when people disagree, it can be really ugly. I am guessing that OP is trying her best, like all of us, to be a great mom and let's be honest - it's very difficult. The failures I have probably seem like horrible crimes to others who are not in my shoes. Who knows why any mom struggles with any given scenario, or might make choices that are perceived by the rest of us as unhelpful? This is a SUPPORT FORUM for mothers, not a family law court. Can we please try to be more gentle and empathetic with one another?


I couldn't agree more.  Lots of wonderful info on MDC but people seem so eager to rub each other's noses in their mistakes.  What does it hurt to disagree in a respectful way?  Especially when you're going to berate someone for their lack of respect?

 

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#15 of 21 Old 04-06-2012, 12:48 AM
 
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It's never okay to tell us your kids names, talk about their pubic hair and snoop through your adult childs personal things then bring it on any forum and tell us all about it and ask us what she should do.  We told her what she should do, she needs to leave her ADULT child alone and remove her kids names. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennyanydots View Post


I couldn't agree more.  Lots of wonderful info on MDC but people seem so eager to rub each other's noses in their mistakes.  What does it hurt to disagree in a respectful way?  Especially when you're going to berate someone for their lack of respect?

 



 

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#16 of 21 Old 04-06-2012, 04:06 AM
 
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Apart from the obvious risks of using your real name as well as that of those close to you , I have to agree with others . 

Your 18 - year - old daughter is exactly that , 18 !

And she may be your child , but she is not a child anymore . 

She is a young woman and it doesn´t speak for her trust in you , if she hasn´t told you , she wants to be ( or already is ) sexually active .

When I became interested in those kind of things , I talked to my Mother , but for you to find out through a so - called friend of hers and then sneaking around in her private things is disrespectful .

There would have been ways for you to initiate a talk about this , without letting her know , somebody else told you , but honestly , if you haven´t talked to her about those kind of things yet , now may be a bit ( too ) late anyway .

And for somebody like her " friend " or the girl´s Mother , those kind of people should keep their noses , where they belong , which is in their own business  


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#17 of 21 Old 04-06-2012, 11:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

It's never okay to tell us your kids names, talk about their pubic hair and snoop through your adult childs personal things then bring it on any forum and tell us all about it and ask us what she should do.  We told her what she should do, she needs to leave her ADULT child alone and remove her kids names. 
 



 

Yeah I get that and I agree completely with what you're saying here (although I don't see anything about hair of any sort in her post).  I just don't like the glee with which some people seem to like to school others on here.  If you really want to redirect or educate someone about where they're screwing up, a less caustic approach works better, IMO.  Honestly, the venom on this site is so intense I feel uncomfortable asking for feedback on anything personal.
 

 


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#18 of 21 Old 04-06-2012, 11:45 PM
 
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jenny you should read her other ones. Sometimes you really just can't tell if someone is messing with you. And honestly after awhile it's not even about the OP. It's more like a call out to anyone who really thinks it's okay to do some of the crap some people "SAY" they do. Eh... what do I care what you think? I don't.
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#19 of 21 Old 04-08-2012, 08:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Jennyanydots View Post

Yeah I get that and I agree completely with what you're saying here (although I don't see anything about hair of any sort in her post).  I just don't like the glee with which some people seem to like to school others on here.  If you really want to redirect or educate someone about where they're screwing up, a less caustic approach works better, IMO.  Honestly, the venom on this site is so intense I feel uncomfortable asking for feedback on anything personal.
 

 



I do not think anyone on this thread was particularly nasty.  I am usually quite sensitive to people being venomous, but I have not seen it here.  

 

I do wonder if the non-supportive tone MDC sometimes has is spilling over here and people are projecting? (just musing)

 

OT:  I would buy some condoms and leave them lying around.  Alternately, you could straight up ask her if she is thinking of having sex and what she (they) are doing to avoid pregnancy and STD.  There is an excellent chance she has a plan, but you can ask her if it will ease her mind.  If she is receptive to talking about such things, you could also get her the book Taking charge of her Fertility.  Honestly, knowing when I am fertile has been so important to me as a woman (hey, sweetie, this isn't the best time of the month for withdrawal…)  

 

Kathy

 

 

 

 

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#20 of 21 Old 04-08-2012, 06:42 PM
 
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Would a response to the OP like this have been better?  " OP I so get what you are saying I think any child whether 8,18,28 or 88 who lives at home under your roof has lost all privacy and you have any and all rights to go through their things,including cell phones,computers,drawers,closets,drawers secret hiding places,diaries ,etc."

probably not as IMO that would have been a rude and sarcastic answer unlike the answers given.


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#21 of 21 Old 04-15-2012, 12:36 AM
 
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Dear OP,

If I were in your position, here's what I would do:

 

1. I would tell my daughter's friend's mother that it is inappropriate to be nosing into my daughter's private life.

2. I would check in with myself about my entitlement issues and stop snooping in my daughter's things.

3. I would check in with my daughter about safe sex issues and see if she needs help finding birth control, barrier methods or more information about sex.

4. I would look into getting a hobby to help me redirect my free time now that my child has reached the age of adulthood and I am obviously having a hard time letting her go.

 

I hope this advice is helpful.

 


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