pre teen is disrespectfulll about helping around house HELP!!! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 04-15-2012, 07:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He is eleven years old and when i ask him to do chores around the house i get a get a huffy puffy "WHY?" remark back or a sad whiney face i cant get this behavior to stop I NEED SUGGESTIONS..i cant afford allowance weekly so for my kids reward/allowance is a can of  pop once a day or after their chores,,caffiene free sierra mist,,i allow him access to ps3 gaming any time or computer anytime,,i am concerned if i make him do his chores for ps3 time or computer time i will confuse him...I need help and suggestions please...

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#2 of 10 Old 04-15-2012, 10:04 PM
 
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Our family does chores at "chore time," which is usually right after dinner. They don't get paid. They don't get rewarded. They do it because the family needs to run. Our ds is 10, going on 11. We do 15-20 minutes of chores most nights, and we have for years. Tonight he cleaned the sink and the toilet in the bathroom. Tomorrow night he's going to vacuum the stairs. In addition to the family 'chore time', he's been asked to unload the dishwasher once a day since he turned 10. That's a bit more than his younger sister, but the habit of doing chores is there for all of us.

 

So, when my 10 year old rolls his eyes when I ask him to unload the dishwasher, I ignore it. When he asks "why" or moans, I say "if you wnat eat three meals a day, have clean clothes and a have place to live that's not a pigsty, you need to help out." I don't think I've trotted out the "I am not your servant" speech for him, but I have for my daughter (who's only 7, but has a bigger attitude).

 

My suggestions would be:

Make it part of a family routine. As our kids get older, I suspect the family chore time isn't going to work as well, and then they'll be given jobs to do weekly. If they want us to drive them somewhere, the jobs will have to be done. But for now, the family chore time works because we're all working together, and I can stop and teach them things when I need to. (It's amazing what basic things they need to be taught, like: When you're scrubbing a floor, start at the place farthest from the door and work your way out. Ds scrubbed himself into the bathroom one day.)

 

Be very matter of fact and ignore the eye roll/tone as long as he's doing it. I'd come up with a firm explanation of why. Something along the lines of "It takes a lot of work to keep a family going, and I need you to do your part." He doesn't have to be cheerful about it. (let's face it, would you rather play computer games or clean the fridge?)

 

Personally, I wouldn't do the Sierra Mist, but if it works for you, that's fine. I just think that a can of pop a day is a lot of pop for a kid. Our kids get pop at restaurants (not very often, as our daughter said the other day "we never go out to eat because my parents are cheap!"), and at some summer parties. For treats at home, I'll sometimes buy apple juice. For fancy dinners at home, I buy sparkling cider.


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#3 of 10 Old 04-15-2012, 11:55 PM
 
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I think you've stated this chore time idea before and it really worked at our house.  Sorry if I haven't said thank you.  But thank you.  And it's funny because they don't ask for rewards at all, we all just flop on the floor and feel pretty proud of ourselves that we got it all done.  I think the togetherness after the fact and the working together really reels them in. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

Our family does chores at "chore time," which is usually right after dinner. They don't get paid. They don't get rewarded. They do it because the family needs to run. Our ds is 10, going on 11. We do 15-20 minutes of chores most nights, and we have for years. Tonight he cleaned the sink and the toilet in the bathroom. Tomorrow night he's going to vacuum the stairs. In addition to the family 'chore time', he's been asked to unload the dishwasher once a day since he turned 10. That's a bit more than his younger sister, but the habit of doing chores is there for all of us.

 

So, when my 10 year old rolls his eyes when I ask him to unload the dishwasher, I ignore it. When he asks "why" or moans, I say "if you wnat eat three meals a day, have clean clothes and a have place to live that's not a pigsty, you need to help out." I don't think I've trotted out the "I am not your servant" speech for him, but I have for my daughter (who's only 7, but has a bigger attitude).

 

My suggestions would be:

Make it part of a family routine. As our kids get older, I suspect the family chore time isn't going to work as well, and then they'll be given jobs to do weekly. If they want us to drive them somewhere, the jobs will have to be done. But for now, the family chore time works because we're all working together, and I can stop and teach them things when I need to. (It's amazing what basic things they need to be taught, like: When you're scrubbing a floor, start at the place farthest from the door and work your way out. Ds scrubbed himself into the bathroom one day.)

 

Be very matter of fact and ignore the eye roll/tone as long as he's doing it. I'd come up with a firm explanation of why. Something along the lines of "It takes a lot of work to keep a family going, and I need you to do your part." He doesn't have to be cheerful about it. (let's face it, would you rather play computer games or clean the fridge?)

 

Personally, I wouldn't do the Sierra Mist, but if it works for you, that's fine. I just think that a can of pop a day is a lot of pop for a kid. Our kids get pop at restaurants (not very often, as our daughter said the other day "we never go out to eat because my parents are cheap!"), and at some summer parties. For treats at home, I'll sometimes buy apple juice. For fancy dinners at home, I buy sparkling cider.



 

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#4 of 10 Old 04-16-2012, 11:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I think you've stated this chore time idea before and it really worked at our house.  Sorry if I haven't said thank you.  But thank you.  And it's funny because they don't ask for rewards at all, we all just flop on the floor and feel pretty proud of ourselves that we got it all done.  I think the togetherness after the fact and the working together really reels them in. 

 

You're welcome! This actually started when dh and I were first married and we had the 'chore wars'. I was raised to do chores all on Saturday morning before anything fun happened. Dh was not. He had chores, but not daily ones, and I don't think he ever had to clean inside the house (his mom once asked me how I 'got him' to do the dishes!). So, I was spending all my weekends doing chores while he was sitting around. Or when I was too busy (I was in grad school) on the weekends, we began to wallow in filth. Dh insisted that he couldn't work for 2 hours straight doing chores. (I'm 85% certain the man has ADD.) So, after a couple years of arguing, he came up with the idea of breaking it up into smaller chunks every evening. It wasn't  until we had kids that I realized just how well suited this was to working with kids and their shorter (dh's sized winky.gif) attention spans. And there is something to the 'togetherness' factor that adds to its effectiveness.

 

Maybe I can make my millions by writing a book on family chores....


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#5 of 10 Old 04-16-2012, 12:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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wow...good idea its hard for me to ignore him shrugging his shoulders and pouting on why he has to help when its not HIS mess,,i did explain our family is a team and we work together mommy doesnt and will not do everything by myself around the house,,i agree on the pop also but its what works,,lol,,very good ideas i love what you do at your house hold!!!! thank you!!!!

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#6 of 10 Old 04-16-2012, 01:28 PM
 
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Yeah, it sounds like entitlement is the issue for his back talking here. He doesn't see why he should clean it up if it's not HIS mess, but you clean things that are not YOUR mess so why should you be the only one doing it? Sounds reasonable, but that doesn't mean he will think it's reasonable. I would read "How to talk so kids will listen" if I were you, it offers a lot of good advice about how to get kids to listen when reason doesn't work. 11 is a hard age, not in all respects, but particularly when the resentment and "WHY??" becomes a factor. I would delegate jobs to everyone so he doesn't feel like he's being treated unfairly if you haven't done so already.


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#7 of 10 Old 04-16-2012, 06:36 PM
 
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I have noticed as my kids get older they have their stronger points at house work and their weaker points. My ds who's 12 just stinks at doing the dishes, he can do them but chooses to do them poorly often and complain loudly. If i ask him to go take the trash out, or the recycling or bathe the dog, scrub the floors, no big deal. My dd who's almost 10 is great little dish washer and loves to help with laundry, can vacuum very well, also but when it comes to sweeping with a broom, waste of time or cleaning the bathroom no way... my youngest dd7 great at dusting... and so on, they all learn to do everything but we all have our strong points and i refuse to mess with the trash or the yard mowing lol but i know how to if i needed to. But for most part i do most of the stuff around my house being that it's my job at this current time, i am not working but going to school full time online and see it as my job to care for the home while i'm not working...
 

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#8 of 10 Old 04-16-2012, 07:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlrtorr View Post

 But for most part i do most of the stuff around my house being that it's my job at this current time, i am not working but going to school full time online and see it as my job to care for the home while i'm not working...
 



I don't see it that way. I see it as my job to teach my kids to be functional adults, and part of that is learning to take care of things around the house. Not just the physical act of emptying the dishwasher or whatever, but the routine, the ability to just take care of what needs to be taken care of. It's developing habits.

 

I don't think that moms that do everything for their kids are doing them any favors.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#9 of 10 Old 04-17-2012, 04:03 AM
 
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Ok i don't think i stated that quite right, of course i make my kids do some weekly chores but for the most part I do a majority of the house work. My kids are also only at my home for the longest a 3 day stretch and then it is back to their dad's. We share custody 50/50 so they are here every other  weekend f,s,s, and two days through out the week m,tu or w,th. So being that 3-4 days a week I don't have the kids here, and my dh works full time.

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#10 of 10 Old 04-17-2012, 04:51 AM
 
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Maybe you will.  I'd like my copy now please.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

 

You're welcome! This actually started when dh and I were first married and we had the 'chore wars'. I was raised to do chores all on Saturday morning before anything fun happened. Dh was not. He had chores, but not daily ones, and I don't think he ever had to clean inside the house (his mom once asked me how I 'got him' to do the dishes!). So, I was spending all my weekends doing chores while he was sitting around. Or when I was too busy (I was in grad school) on the weekends, we began to wallow in filth. Dh insisted that he couldn't work for 2 hours straight doing chores. (I'm 85% certain the man has ADD.) So, after a couple years of arguing, he came up with the idea of breaking it up into smaller chunks every evening. It wasn't  until we had kids that I realized just how well suited this was to working with kids and their shorter (dh's sized winky.gif) attention spans. And there is something to the 'togetherness' factor that adds to its effectiveness.

 

Maybe I can make my millions by writing a book on family chores....



 

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