Bomb was dropped.. (teen girl is pregnant) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 51 Old 04-27-2012, 08:30 AM
 
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My DC is in the childhood years but I saw the title and read this thread.  Maybe what I little experience can share will ease your mind a bit.

 

My mother's second full-time job when I was growing up was badgering me every single day about how a teen pregnancy would ruin my life, how I would be forced to have an abortion or leave the house forever and how I was required to tell her when I wanted to have sex.  Had Depo been on the market back then, I have no doubt she would have had me injected while I slept.  I told her every single time that "yes mom, I will certainly tell you when the thought crosses my mind."  Did I? No and she lost her mind when she found out I "lied to her."  She was blind with rage and I didn't even get pregnant, she happen to find a wrapper the 2nd time I had sex.

 

I have come to learn that many teen girls also broke their mother's "trust" when it came to not letting them be the first to know prior to the teen having sex so I would try to not beat yourself up about that part of the situation.   You didn't fail.  Involving mom in advance planning sounds good but I think very few teens have the emotional maturity to follow through.

 

My gut feeling from watching many other teen pregnancies  in my high school (sadly it was not uncommon or even that frowned up) as well as young, single adults is that the best outcomes came from parents that were/are supportive, even if they were screaming inside.  

 

I am the daughter of teen (high school age parents) and things turned out ok.  And like others mentioned, teen dad wasn't involved even when they were married and split as soon as he could.  Not having him in my life has not hurt or damaged me in any way.  I hope your family will have brighter days ahead.


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#32 of 51 Old 04-27-2012, 10:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

 

 


I realize you didn't say that mom should coerce it. You did however say, "Adoption is always a positive solution. It's a win/win situation, imo." (bolded mine)

 

And, quite frankly, I don't think it should "always" be considered. *I* was told to consider adoption when I was pregnant with my now 3yo by people in my ddc here on MDC. (Could have been people waiting to adopt - don't remember - but they crashed my ddc and posted on a thread that I should consider it since I clearly wasn't ready to be a mom) It was inappropriate of someone who didn't even know me, or my situation, only my age, to tell me that I should consider adoption and go through counseling to help me consider my options. I was 23 when I got pregnant, and 24 when my ds was born. It was insulting.

 

FWIW, my brothers are adopted, so I'm not anti-adoption. I just think that the OP knows what her dd's options are, and is not on here looking to be told what those are. The OP does have at least 17 years parenting experience (and maybe more - for all I know her 17yo dd is her youngest).

I'm sorry you were insulted by unsolicited advice. I think those of us responding in this thread are knowingly discussing a teen and not a 23yo young woman. We're also aware of the fact that the teen being discussed is going through more than just a pregnancy. I do believe OP clearly stated she isn't sure what to do next. I'm not here to defend my statement on adoption.

All that being said, I'll remove myself from this thread so as not to draw attention away from the OP and her original question/s.

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#33 of 51 Old 04-27-2012, 12:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Casha'sMommy View Post

I'm sorry you were insulted by unsolicited advice. I think those of us responding in this thread are knowingly discussing a teen and not a 23yo young woman. We're also aware of the fact that the teen being discussed is going through more than just a pregnancy. I do believe OP clearly stated she isn't sure what to do next. I'm not here to defend my statement on adoption.

 

All that being said, I'll remove myself from this thread so as not to draw attention away from the OP and her original question/s.

 

Right, but the OP isn't pregnant. Her dd is. The adoption choice lies with OP's dd. Not OP. (and she never said that she didn't know what the options were - just that she didn't know what to do) And just b/c we're discussing a teen doesn't mean that adoption has to be an option, or that it would be positive.

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#34 of 51 Old 05-02-2012, 12:00 PM
 
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As someone who became a parent at 22, I still work a crappy job even though I have a Bachelor's degree because I don't have the time or resources to go back to school. Obviously, kids are more important than money, but having children before you have "all your ducks in a row" makes everything that much harder. My mom was in school when I was little, and she didn't get a "good" job until I was in college and is massively in debt from raising me and my brother on credit cards because she made "too much" to qualify for welfare even though it wasn't enough to cover the basics. I have accepted the fact that I will probably never "make anything of myself" besides being the best parent I can be, but I do feel a lot of guilt that my mother sacrificed so much for me and now I'm in the exact same situation she was. No one should be forced to put their child up for adoption, but if she has any dreams beyond being a mom, it's probably the smartest one.
 


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#35 of 51 Old 05-03-2012, 03:52 PM
 
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In Texas 17 year olds can leave home and school and really don't have to do anything you say. You can control whether they live with you or not and that's where it ends. I find the idea of forcing a person in late third trimester who will reach legal adulthood the next move against their will mind boggling. Please seek counseling as a family and let your dd grow up. Right now she is going to flunk to spite you. I realize shes being an immature pain in the butt but you need to stop being part of the problem even though that will be very hard and ego sacrificing. Let this be about her and don't project your fears and preconceptions on her even if they are statistically sound. Remember the father has legal as well as moral rights and alienating him before he even has a chance to step up or screw up is a mistake. Really- in the matter of this baby your dd has rights and the father has rights and when the baby is born the baby will have rights- you are the one who doesn't. I know your dreams for her feel crushed and you feel helpless and like you need to grasp at whatever you think will make this better but at this point your dd becoming an adult will probably be the best step to success. You might even consider looking at maternity type homes with her to see if that would let her focus on her maturing better.
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#36 of 51 Old 05-04-2012, 02:05 PM
 
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I've never been in your shoes and don't have teens yet but wanted to offer you a hug. hug2.gif

 

You've gotten so much good advice. I hope that in the end this brings you and your family closer together and that your daughter is able to make the best decisions for her and her baby. 


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#37 of 51 Old 05-25-2012, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I'm updating and and at Further Loss here..  this all may be jumbled too, sorry in advance.

 

My daughter left and I hadn't reported her as a runaway.  I didn't know what to do, she said she would stay with her boyfriends family for a little bit and wanted to show me she can do this.  Well, after a bit of time, I find that she and her boyfriend were kicked out of his dad's place and were staying in a tent on his sisters front porch.  I told her to come home, she said no.  Then a couple days later, her boyfriend's family told her about a place for girls who are pregnant and homeless or abused.  They took her there and she told the place that she was kicked out of her home and homeless, so they took her in.

She called me and asked me to let her stay there and sign some papers.  I then got sick and had a sick household as well, so I left things as they were so we could get better.  During that time, I had found out she was telling everyone I kicked her out and people (adults even) were posting little snide comments about me on facebook (just lovely).

She told her teachers i kicked her out, her counselor, everyone..  I contacted the home she was at and told them she was never kicked out. 

I also found out she was ditching school during this time and was furious with the home.  I asked the home if they were letting her skip school even, and they said no, she had been going. (she was lying to them as well about this)

 

The rules there are that she has to attend school or she's out.  So she's now going to school as of this past week but has also been allowed to do whatever she wants over there because I havent signed some papers. Basically they are letting her use them as a crash pad until I sign her over or bring her home.  I don't know what the paper really is but I was told it was to allow them to get her medical care incase of emergencies and have contact with her school regarding her.  My husband says no way, don't sign, bring her home. 

 

My daughter refuses to come home.  She knows that in September we are moving to California (have to move, military related) and she doesn't want to be away from the baby's father.  She and the baby's father are no longer together but she is keeping hope they are going to get back together.  He wants to go out and party and have fun and keep her on the side and she's letting him.  My daughter would rather be considered homeless and tell everyone she was kicked out with no family to help her.  (that hurts so much)  She wants nothign to do with me anymore, say's I'm ruining her life and causing too much stress on her. 

 

I found that she tried to contact a tattoo shop to see if she could get a tattoo while underage and w/o parent consent.  She's not thinking clearly, she's been telling friends she's moving to Indiana also.  (she has always been a compulsive liar but others don't know this)

I don't know what to do.  It was my fault letting her go to her boyfriend's house.   I was told just a bit ago that I can't file a runaway paper on her because I know where she is.  That basically they are a "missing persons" report.   I can't force her to go to counseling either from what the behavioral mental health center told me today as well.

 

So now I have to figure if I want to go bring her home and risk what will happen here and have my other two kids have to go through the turmoil as well (she will threaten my other daughter's life again I'm sure and my 6yr old doesn't need to be near that.  My 15yr old shouldn't have to live in fear either in her own home) or let her go.  Although, my husband says no way should I sign any paper.  If I don't sign a paper, she can't stay at the home as far as I know. 

 

I don't know what to do.  I feel so lost, confused and alone on this.  Unfortunately my husband isn't even in the U.S. and can't come home for this.

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#38 of 51 Old 05-26-2012, 02:57 PM
 
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I suggest checking out the resources and support the home offers. It could be a very positive thing for this situation. I worked at our local home for pregnant and parenting teens and it wasn't a free for all. They had two social workers, a school on site, parenting classes, breastfeeding support groups, structured activities, and chores while also being fully responsible for their clothing, children, and belongings. The dorm has since shut down but they were a good resource for girls who needed to transition to being a parent without the interference of their parents pulling them into the fighting for freedom stage teenagers tend to have with parents.
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#39 of 51 Old 05-26-2012, 05:10 PM
 
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I know how you feel about your child leaving a getting sympathy from others by saying you abused them/kicked them out. It's humiliating, hurtful, just downright crushing really but it's very common so don't feel like you're the only one.

Given your particular situation I would absolutely sign that paper. Tell the center and your dd that while you did not kick her out or abuse her it's obvious that needs something you can't supply right now and that you love her and will be there for her when she needs you. She's going to be 18 soon and there really isnt anything you can do by force anymore. Nothing will be done if you report her as a runaway and you can continue to find her yourself and drag her home but what will be the cost of that for your families well being. I would bet money that a judge would let her stay if you try to force her to move with you.
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#40 of 51 Old 05-26-2012, 08:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I called my daughter today and asked her if she'd be interested in me taking her to lunch.  She said okay and gave me a short tour of the home as well.

Unfortunately the home just seems to be more like a "crash pad" to me.  They even let my daughter go out on a weekend and not have to come home until sunday.  She uses that to spend it sleeping with her friend.. 

I know she's almost 18 but I really am wondering if it would be best to bring her home atleast until we move.  She's NOT homeless, she has a home right here.  She's still my daughter no matter how old she is and there is no sense in her using something available to people who could really be needing it right at this moment. 

I don't know what I'm going to do at this moment still.  She's using whomever she can to get freedom.   Her biggest thing she keeps telling me is that she can't leave the baby's father.  Interesting though that I told her we had two choices in where we move to next, with one of the choices being back to Oahu.  And she immediately said if we had chosen Oahu, she'd come with us in a heart beat. Hmmm.... 

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#41 of 51 Old 05-26-2012, 09:48 PM
 
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Ask yourself what you will achieve by bringing her home. Will she stay? How much chaos will she cause for your other children? Will she make it an unsafe atmosphere for them? How will you get her to stay and if she does is it better for her to find a place and settle in now or a month before the baby is due?

She will be 18 in 5 months and be a mother a month after that does it really matter that she stays weekends with her friend. This is a maternity home and she's almost a legal adult they aren't babysitters. She sounds immature and I bet she will struggle wouldn't it be better to give her t he room to start growing up now. Let her go and give her the respect and space to have a possibility of making it. She will probably come looking for you later and you have a better chance of connecting with her is you let her go with love now.
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#42 of 51 Old 05-26-2012, 10:33 PM
 
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One of my worst fears as a mother is a situation like this -- both for my son and daughter. Someone up thread jokingly mentioned their mother wanting to give them a  Depo shot in their sleep. I can see my self being *that* mother! Yikes!

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Hugs to you mama and I hope it all works out. Your DD will learn really tough lessons soon enough. I hope you find the strength to be patient with her for the rocky years to come. Does she want the baby? Has she considered adoption or terminating the pregnancy (if it is still early enough...)? This is tough all around. I am sorry. 

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#43 of 51 Old 05-27-2012, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just want to say that I appreciate every single post here.  I was given lots to think about and hate saying I'm still unsure of what to do, but I just want to say Thank you.

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#44 of 51 Old 05-27-2012, 06:30 PM
 
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I hope it works out for all of you.
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#45 of 51 Old 05-30-2012, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She's home!  And seems glad to be here!:)  We've got lots to go through of course and I don't know if she'll be moving with us but for now she's home and all is going well.:)

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#46 of 51 Old 05-30-2012, 05:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marlne View Post

She's home!  And seems glad to be here!:)  We've got lots to go through of course and I don't know if she'll be moving with us but for now she's home and all is going well.:)

So happy for you and your daughter that this happened sooner than later! I wish you a less bumpy ride from here on out. 

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#47 of 51 Old 07-10-2012, 03:30 PM
 
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I think you two need to have a talk about responsibilities.  If she wants to be treated like an adult ie later curfew, she needs to act like an adult, ie pay bills.

 

At 17 I was attending college and had my own apartment and a job.  I paid all of my own expenses.   I think it is reasonable for her to not be treated like a child but you guys need to come to an understanding of where the line is.  And what acceptable behavior is.  She is pregnant and is now responsible for another life.  Sadly, she kind of missed the boat for partying, tattoos and drinking.  Now she has to be a mama.  Its not something you are making her do, its just the situation that she is in and is a direct result of her choices.

 

I'm glad that she is home with you but you need to really come to an understanding of her role as a mother and the responsibilities that includes.  You can be there to help her like any parent will continue to do but she needs to start making the right decisions.
 

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#48 of 51 Old 07-11-2012, 03:01 PM
 
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Sounds like this girl needs support, not "hard truth" that helps absolutely nothing, she is a teen girl, the only thing she has a base of is her emotions, and their not being supported

 

I was a teen mom, and I was treated terribly and it got me no where but feeling alone and scared.

 

She's 17, shes pregnant, and she has a curfew??

 

How much worse can she do, curfews didnt stop her before, what is the concern now? She needs to be an adult and she is being treated like a child, mistake number one, if you want her to grow up then treat her like a grown up, why is she being grounded? Is it a wonder she doesnt want to stay home? 

 

Making her feel like having a child is hopeless and youll never afford it is a terrible way to make a mother feel, because she CAN do it and she WILL do it, having a baby young is not a death sentence, she can continue to pursue a happy life and she NEEDS to know that she can do it

 

An abortion is her call, no one else should have a place in even suggesting it to her 

 

 

I was shocked at some of the suggestions on the first page, completely insensitive and not gentle parenting 


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#49 of 51 Old 07-11-2012, 03:58 PM
 
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I'm totally shocked at the curfew thing. I cannot imagine having a baby living in my belly and someone telling me what time I was required to be home by. Rent or no rent, that just seems absurd. If she was a high school senior who was well on her way to getting in to a great college with an internship coming up this summer would she have to have a curfew?

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#50 of 51 Old 07-12-2012, 07:24 PM
 
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i wondered how things are going. i can't even begin to imagine how hard it might be to deal with something like that so unexpectedly. i do hope you found a solution that has worked for everyone.


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#51 of 51 Old 08-22-2012, 03:39 PM
 
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I don't understand what is wrong with the curfew? I admit I have not read all the posts but I was 18 pg living at home, in college and working full time and had a curfew. As long as I was under their roof it was their choice. And my curfew was 11pm! lol


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