My friend's daughter is banned from my home - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-04-2012, 09:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a good friend and her daughter is the same age as my 15 year old daughter. My friend has complained to me a lot about how rude, mean and disrespectful her daughter is to her. She is also upset because her husband won't back her up and basically allows their daughter to act like this. A few months ago the daughter was super nasty to her mother (her mother asked if her boyfriend was going to the dance too and she blew up about how it was none of her mom's business who, what, when, where or anything about her life) and then refused to let her mother give her, my daughter and another friend a ride to a dance. My daughter called me at the last minute upset because the girl had told her mom to get lost and now they didn't have a ride to the dance. I packed up my baby and little kids into the minivan and went to get them. When I got there I asked my daughter to send the girl outside. I told her that her behavior was uncalled for and that she needed to apologize to both me, her friends and her mom for the inconvience she had caused. She replied with "whatever" and I said with that attitude I am not taking you anywhere. My daughter and her other friend jumped in the van and we just left the girl at the house (the other teenagers said that they thought she was being awful). Later I emailed my friend and her husband that the girl was not allowed in my house until she apologized. My friend totally agreed but her husband didn't, he just thought I was being ridiculous.  Fast forward to yesterday, it's been several months with no apology and the girl and her mom show up at my house. The girl wants to get ready with my daughter for a party. I say that she is not allowed at my house because she never apologized or took responsibility for her actions. She then says well I can apologize even when I don't mean it and accuses me of being rude to her. I tell her that she needs a reality check if she thinks being called out for acting like a brat is rude. She gets mad at her mom for not defending her which is crazy because this whole thing started with her being rude to her mom! Anyway they left and the other teenage girls agreed that she was being crazy again. So I really don't want this to mess up my friendship with the mom but that girl is a b-word. I am worried that the mom is upset with me. What should I do?


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Old 08-04-2012, 12:03 PM
 
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I agree that she should be expected to talk to her parents and everyone outside their home respectfully. And I think you are right to not allow her at your home if she is going to behave that way. But, different kids respond to different approaches, and she is still a kid. It sounds to me like she's the kind of kid that doesn't respond well to confrontation. I have a couple of kids that will fight back when you confront them directly, and will literally keep fighting (I guess until you escalated it to the point of beating them! I don't know!). They just will not back down and say, you're right, I'm sorry, if you confront them with your anger. What does work with them is a short expression of your anger/ disapproval/ I won't tolerate this garbage, in the moment, then backing off until the heat of the feelings passes.

 

Then later, when I can be calm, I say something like (in her case) "You know, X, your mom is a good friend of mine, and I love both of you so much. I really love having you both in my life, and Y (your daughter) likes you a lot, too. The problem is, I really can't stand it when people are screaming at each other. Everyone has conflicts, everyone fights, I get that, but your mom is my friend, and when I see someone treating her like that, I feel like I have to defend her. Just like I would defend you or Y, or anyone I love if I saw someone treating them that way. I'm sure if you saw someone screaming at your mom, you would jump in to defend her, too. So it's really important to me that we don't scream at each other, even when we get mad. If you do that when I'm around, I'm going to leave. That means I won't give you a ride, or let you be at my house, or let you hang out with Y at that time. I still care about you and want you to be in my life, but I can't have that behavior around me."

 

Then give her another chance. The reason I think this might work with her is that it separates her as a person from her behavior. If she knows you care about her, the behavior seems like less of a thing to tackle and change. If she thinks you're attacking her, that's a whole other story, in her mind. And she is still a kid- so she can't necessarily look at things in a mature way, telling herself to put on her big girl panties and just admit she was wrong. Teenagers have such a hard time getting over themselves!


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Old 08-04-2012, 12:19 PM
 
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Good for YOU! You should do nothing. You are absolutely in the right. She'll come around eventually. Thank Goodness to see adults demanding respect.

I've had a few instances where I've had run ins with DD's friends. She's 10. I love when she has her friends over, but they need to respect our home and us. I've asked a few to leave after inappropriate behavior and they've stayed away for awhile. But they always come back with a newfound respect.

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Old 08-04-2012, 12:27 PM
 
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Its not your job to teach the girl a lesson on life. Its her parents. Stick to your guns. In real life, when you act like that, you just dont have any friends. She will learn that eventually. If anything you are teaching your daughter not to put up with that kinda crap.


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Old 08-04-2012, 10:06 PM
 
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You are punishing a 15 yr old for something she did 'a couple' months ago and this child isn't yours?  I'm sorry but you are out of line.  You do not have the right to demand who she apologizes to.  You can ask that she apologize to you but you can not demand that she apologize to other people.  Getting a 15 yr old to apologize for something that happened months ago is going to be darn near impossible.  While this seems to be a major event for you, this is a common event for the 15yr old.  Shes not your child, her behavior isn't yours to change.  You really can't pick your own child's friends at this age.  All you are doing is adding to the rage and anger of this other girl.

This other family has issues and complexities that you are not aware of.  I would be offering support, not making things more difficult.


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Old 08-05-2012, 09:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just to clarify there was never any screaming, just talking. Also my email to my friend and her husband that stated that the girl would not be allowed in my home until she apologized indicated that an email apology would be acceptable. I figured that would be her out so that she didn't have to do it in person and would give her time to think about the situation. My friend and I met nine years ago when she called me up to say that my son had been rude on the phone to her daughter who was trying to call my daughter. I marched my son over to their house and told him that his behavior was unacceptable, he apologized to both mother and daughter. We have been raising each others kids ever since :) Also I have banned other children from my house, my daughter is always allowed to hang out with them somewhere else but my house has rules and if you can't comply then you can't be here, and the kids have always come back with an apology, the behavior never happens again and everything is fine. If the girl had autism, a mood disorder or something that could explain the behavior I would be more flexible but this seems more like a case of daddy's little girl can do whatever she wants.

 

You are punishing a 15 yr old for something she did 'a couple' months ago and this child isn't yours?  I'm sorry but you are out of line. My group of friends use the it takes a village approach so this isn't really unusual. You do not have the right to demand who she apologizes to.  You can ask that she apologize to you but you can not demand that she apologize to other people.  Getting a 15 yr old to apologize for something that happened months ago is going to be darn near impossible. She was asked to apologize months ago and I am consistent in my expectations. Just because time has passed doesn't mean the rules have changed.  While this seems to be a major event for you, this is a common event for the 15yr old. Well it being a common event for her is the problem. Even her teenage friends have a problem with it. Somebody has to set boundaries and I can only set them for my home. Shes not your child, her behavior isn't yours to change. But I don't have to allow it in my home. You really can't pick your own child's friends at this age. I don't pick them and my daughter is free to hang out with the girl somewhere other than my home. All you are doing is adding to the rage and anger of this other girl.

This other family has issues and complexities that you are not aware of.  I would be offering support, not making things more difficult. I have talked to her mom about taking her daughter to a psychologist to see if there is some explanation for the behavior that we are missing.

 

My daughter and her friends report that the girl is mean most of the time and that they have to walk on eggshells around her. The only reason they stay friends with her is because they have known each other since kindergarten. However they try not to spend much time with her because the negativity is hard to take.

 

I am going to try to get my friend to go out for drinks so I can check in and see if there is anything she wants me to do.

 

Thanks for the replies!
 


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Old 08-05-2012, 09:58 AM
 
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Good for you for sticking to your guns. Your house, your rules. It's good to see that someone doesnt backslide just because a couple of months has passed. I find that in my adult life people think that they can act a fool, and just disappear for a few months and then when they see me Im supposed to smile and pretend that nothing ever happened. Hopefully, this girl wont turn out like that.


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Old 08-05-2012, 11:09 AM
 
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Your house your rules.  She doesn't get to change them.  While she is a teenager it's a good lesson to learn.  You can't treat people however you want.  If my child treated another "PERSON" with that much disrespect I'd hang my damn head in shame and feel like I failed.  I was a mouth teen but I would never talk to another adult like that.  I think you'll be ok with the mom.  You could call her up and say you love her and care about her and you understand her frustrations with her daughter, since her husband won't back her up you're more than willing to.  As you have already proven you will stand up for yourself. 

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Old 08-05-2012, 05:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by pattimomma View Post

My daughter and her friends report that the girl is mean most of the time and that they have to walk on eggshells around her. The only reason they stay friends with her is because they have known each other since kindergarten. However they try not to spend much time with her because the negativity is hard to take.


 

This is significant. She's not just acting out with her mom and dad, she's alienating everyone she knows. I don't know how close you are to this girl, but I still think a good heart to heart from someone other than her parents might help her see the light here.


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Old 08-05-2012, 06:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Singin'intherain - I totally agree and I have mentioned that maybe she needs to see a psychologist to her mom (my son is in therapy and I have mentioned it multiple times). I don't know anyone other than her parents that could make that happen though. She is leaving on August 22 for boarding school. I wonder if that is just a disaster waiting to happen.
 


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Old 08-05-2012, 06:13 PM
 
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Boarding school could be good for her.  I went to boarding school (on full scholarship for being smart).  She is going to get a large new 'family' of peers to live with in close quarters.  Rough edges usually get polished if she stays in the school without being expelled or pulled out.


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Old 08-06-2012, 12:27 PM
 
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You definitely do have every right to say who can or can't come into your home. In this case, since she's going to boarding school, I'd probably just wait and see how things go from here.

 

However, even though I am definitely one to apologize when I realize I've wronged someone, and I encourage my own children to do the same, I don't really demand that others apologize to me. I simply tell the other person how his or her behavior affected me or my loved one, and, where necessary, express an expectation that, if this person wants to continue to have a relationship with me/my loved one, he or she will take care to behave better in the future.

 

In the case where your daughter's friend opted out of having her mom drive her to the dance, I definitely would have gone to get my daughter and her other friend, but I think I would have told the one who'd caused me the inconvenience of having to rush out the door on such short notice that this was a real inconvenience and I'd drive the other girls but not her, since she'd opted out of having a ride. The demand for an apology wouldn't even be relevant to me, since I wouldn't be taking her anyhoo.

 

I'm kind of puzzled that your friend, this other girl's mom, didn't ask your dd and the other girl if they'd still like a ride, because, honestly, if I'd told two other moms that I'd take care of the transportation for the dance, I'd still feel a responsibility toward those other girls. I'd ask them if they'd still like to go to the dance and I'd take them. It's the considerate thing to do, you know.


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