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#1 of 15 Old 08-09-2012, 11:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry if these are posted a lot. I just joined up! Anyways, me and my nephew are quite close, and lately he has been complaining to me about the curfew my sister gives him. I know it's not really my place to say anything to her, but for my sons I might as well get opinions for them as well---seeing as they aren't at the teenage years yet. My nephew is going to be a junior, he has a 4.4 GPA, and is very involved in school. From what I know, he doesn't breaks the rules, and my sister even tells me how great he is. He thinks that his 11 PM curfew is insane. Personally, I think 11 is more than fair, but the other night I was at my sister's house, and he showed up 15 minutes late from a movie night because the movie wasn't finished yet, and she grounded him for the weekend! I mean, I haven't personally dealt with teenagers that much, but I think my sister is being a little strict on this. A straight A student, whom my sister has no reason not to trust, being punished for finishing a movie! What do you all think?

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#2 of 15 Old 08-10-2012, 12:17 AM
 
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Um one night my sister (the 4.0 gpa one) was 2 hours late and got grounded for 3 months.

 

It sounds standard. Don't go to a movie if your going to be late. Or let your mom know thats why and get preapproval.

 

I think she is being fair.

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#3 of 15 Old 08-10-2012, 06:47 AM
 
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how old is this nephew?  

 

In the case with the movie, she may have overreacted.  However, he could have phoned her(if he or his friends have cels) and let her know that it was running late. 

 

If the movie was in a theatre, they don't always run on time.  My dd went to the movies 2 weeks ago and it was maybe going to start late because at the earlier show a lady was holding her baby/young child and the baby/child pulled the fire alarms so they had to clear the theatre until the fire department okayed it.  That made the later showings of the movies late.  My dd let me know prior to the movie though that this happened so I knew it was going to run late.

 

When I was at an age where I needed rides places I had a 2-3am curfew.  Once I could drive it was midnight, didn't matter what was going on it was midnight(going to a dance, vs just hanging out).  That did not change until I moved away at 18. 

 

Grades, extracurricular activities, etc don't change that the later teens are out the higher the chance they're going to be getting into trouble.  Doesn't mean they won't do stuff that the parents would approve of, they just have to do it faster.

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#4 of 15 Old 08-10-2012, 08:04 AM
 
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I handle it like my own parents handled it... on a case-by-case basis. It all depended on the activity and what surrounded it. If I was going to an afternoon pool party and had to be up early the next day, my curfew might be 9. If I was going to a long play, my curfew might be after midnight. If there was a problem and I was going to be late and I called, no issues. If I was late and didn't call... well, I only did that once. My parents didn't dole out punishments... they were just "disappointed" which was worse. In our state, teens can't drive other teens until they've held a license for over a year. 16/17 year olds aren't allowed to be driving themselves after 10 Sun-Thur and 11 Fri-Sat. Since our Junior is only 15, she is bound by our schedule and willingness to pick her up and in most cases, is in between 10 and 11 (unless it's a theme park trip or something pre-planned as late.)

 

Keep in mind there is a REASON your nephew is an honor student... yes, he's bright and works hard but he also has parents who are looking out for him, giving him firm bounderies, making sure he's making good choices, getting some sleep, ect.  I could see grounding a kid who has done nothing but complain all week about a curfew and then just happens to show up late. She may have been annoyed that he didn't call after the movie ended and said "sorry, just ended, I'm on my way home." This may be her way of nipping it in the bud as really, he didn't plan it out too well (everyone knows movies start about 15-20 minutes late and movie length is quite easy to look up.) Plus, he's just grounded for the weekend.... not really a big deal.

 

If I've learned anything about the teen years it's that nothing is what it seems to the outside. Fantastic teenagers who are wonderful and rational to other adults can be quite whiney and rebellious at home. I've been shocked at how teens I adore interact with their own parents when their guard is down. As lovely as your discussions with him may be, remember, you are getting the "poor me, I'm such a good kid" side... the side that is protecting his own image...  not the "you are ruining my life" side mom is likely getting.


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#5 of 15 Old 08-10-2012, 01:40 PM
 
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I'm like whatsnextmom. Curfew is based on what they are doing that day. All time must be accounted for. You must be where you say you are. Changes need to be communicated by phone first.

I am an uber mellow mom about my kids going out, more so than most. In your example, I would have wanted to know what time the movie ended and we would have planned from there. If something ran late, I would expect a phone call or text.

My kids are allowed to see movies on the night the open at midnight.

However, in the other mom's defense, she may have a really good reason. May be her son is a misery to be around when he doesn't get enough rest. May be he had stuff he needed to do the next day. May be when he stays out later, it effects her sleep (or some one else in the family) in a way that just doesn't work.

I don't think being grounded for one weekend over a rule that a teen knows is a big deal. One of my kids got grounded for a weekend because she left a movie theatre with a friend and went to their house without telling us. The friend lives around the corner from us and we are friends with the kids parents. It wasn't late. It was the friend she was seeing the movie with. When she wasn't where we were supposed to meet her, we knew exactly where she was.

Not only did I hear from her how unfair it was, I heard from her friends parents.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#6 of 15 Old 08-10-2012, 02:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mother3boys View Post

Sorry if these are posted a lot. I just joined up! Anyways, me and my nephew are quite close, and lately he has been complaining to me about the curfew my sister gives him. I know it's not really my place to say anything to her, but for my sons I might as well get opinions for them as well---seeing as they aren't at the teenage years yet. My nephew is going to be a junior, he has a 4.4 GPA, and is very involved in school. From what I know, he doesn't breaks the rules, and my sister even tells me how great he is. He thinks that his 11 PM curfew is insane. Personally, I think 11 is more than fair, but the other night I was at my sister's house, and he showed up 15 minutes late from a movie night because the movie wasn't finished yet, and she grounded him for the weekend! I mean, I haven't personally dealt with teenagers that much, but I think my sister is being a little strict on this. A straight A student, whom my sister has no reason not to trust, being punished for finishing a movie! What do you all think?

 

My dd is only 12 and isn't really going out at night without adults yet.

 

I think 11PM for a curfew sounds reasonable enough.

Grounding him for a whole weekend for being 15 minutes late might be more than I would do in that case but maybe he has been going past his curfew time a bit lately or should have called home to say the movie was running late and she wants him to understand that she is serious about this curfew time.

It was a choice to see a movie and break the curfew rule. He is being told he will have to stay home for just one weekend because of it.  I don't think your sister is being too strict or the punishment too severe.


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#7 of 15 Old 08-10-2012, 04:46 PM
 
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I do! I think she's being totally harsh. It just goes to show that YMMV with parenting styles.

 

As for firm boundaries causing someone to be an honour student, YMMV with that, too. My siblings and I were all at the top of our classes and we couldn't have had more lenient parents. I didn't ever have a curfew. I think you get all types of kids with every parenting style, so you should probably just let your sister do her thing.

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#8 of 15 Old 08-11-2012, 09:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I'm like whatsnextmom. Curfew is based on what they are doing that day. All time must be accounted for. You must be where you say you are. Changes need to be communicated by phone first.
I am an uber mellow mom about my kids going out, more so than most. In your example, I would have wanted to know what time the movie ended and we would have planned from there. If something ran late, I would expect a phone call or text.
 

That's how my dad was and how I plan to be.  If you've got a place to be, an actual physical location, your curfew is flexible.  If you're just "out" you need to come home.  Also there's nothing to do after 1am but get in trouble ;)

 

if your nephew knew he was going to be late he should have talked to his mom beforehand or called as soon as he knew he would be late.  

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#9 of 15 Old 08-11-2012, 10:01 PM
 
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No curfews here.  We rarely impose a time to return home. The only occasion I can recall is when our city hosted a 24-hour festival and even then, we agreed on the time (I think it was 2 a.m.)

 

They let us know where they are going and with whom, and when they expect the movie/performance/party/event to finish and how long it will take them to get home. If they are going to be later than expected, they let us know. They have cell phones if I need to contact them when they are out. They also tend to get around by public transit, so travel times are often approximate at best. I probably wouldn't notice if one of them was 15 minutes later than they estimated, particularly if they were traveling by public transit or walking. 

 

They are responsible, trustworthy honours students, with part-time jobs/volunteer activities, and don't have trouble with drugs and alcohol. I see no reason to make them be at home at a particular time every night. I see less reason to be upset at a 15 minute lapse, unless I needed them to be home for a specific reason - eg. they had the car and I needed it. 

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#10 of 15 Old 08-12-2012, 09:02 PM
 
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I also have to say that when your child is able to drive, 15 minutes late without a phone call is hell. Everything runs through your mind.

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#11 of 15 Old 08-13-2012, 04:10 AM
 
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Yep, or riding in a car with a teen driver.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#12 of 15 Old 08-14-2012, 08:53 AM
 
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Yep, or riding in a car with a teen driver.

 

Why I encourage my daughter to drive. I know what kind of driver she is.

 

No curfew here, either. We operate on common courtesy where we let one another know where we plan to be and about what time we'll be home.

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#13 of 15 Old 08-15-2012, 06:20 AM
 
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Why I encourage my daughter to drive. I know what kind of driver she is.

 

Yeah, I don't think we have ever denied DS the use of the car unless we've needed it ourselves. Last night he drove his band to another nearby city for a performance. He had to drive on a couple of our busier highways at rush hour. I went for a very long, hard hike to take my mind off of it He was back home relatively early though - somewhere around 1 a.m.   

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#14 of 15 Old 08-15-2012, 07:11 AM
 
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Yeah, I don't think we have ever denied DS the use of the car unless we've needed it ourselves. Last night he drove his band to another nearby city for a performance. He had to drive on a couple of our busier highways at rush hour. I went for a very long, hard hike to take my mind off of it He was back home relatively early though - somewhere around 1 a.m.   

 

She texts me when she gets where she's going, and when she's on her way home. I do the same. It's a matter of common courtesy.

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#15 of 15 Old 08-16-2012, 04:38 AM
 
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Never gave either son a curfew (they're 22 and 19 now).  On long days or trips out of town, we'd often get updates.  They also send their progress for getting between home and school for their breaks -- involves public transit / shuttles / cabs / air travel -- but DH and I do the same thing with one another and them, so it's less a parental requirement and more a family practice.

 

DS1 is on the protective end of the spectrum, though.  When we visit him and head back to our hostel, it's "Text me when you get back to your room."  Especially when I'm alone.  And the first time then 16 y.o. DS2 went to Big City a ninety-minute bus ride away to ride the subways to attend an afternoon program at a college there, DS1 kept coming around asking if I'd heard from him yet.  I was the one dialing him back instead of the other way around.  :)
 

Hmm.  I guess we're less about curfews and more about keeping each other posted as the situation warrants.


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