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#1 of 23 Old 03-12-2013, 08:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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... how do you deal with this. 

 

i dont mean listening with ear buds on. but actually playing music that you can hear. 

 

how do manage this?

 

i need help to guide ex. he rarely allows dd to listen to her music. 

 

there is no option of closing her door and he not listen. he has super sharp hearing and the walls are thin. 


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#2 of 23 Old 03-13-2013, 06:53 AM
 
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Perhaps a compromise between allowing the music and expecting consideration of others' preferences, such as a "loud hour" where she can play the music for an hour (and others can wear headphones, sit outside, or grin and bear it) and any other time the music must be kept private to the listener? This would show respect to the child's desire to branch out and be considered in the household but also maintain the expectation of respect for others in the house. I hope you find a solution. Good luck!

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#3 of 23 Old 03-13-2013, 06:58 PM
 
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I wear earphones and listen to music I like or watch a movie I like. In the car I let DD have the choices one way and i choose on the way back. I used earphones as a child and sometimes listened outside so i don't see any problem with these options either if her dad isn't open to other option.
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#4 of 23 Old 03-13-2013, 07:54 PM
 
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Tactics we use in our home/car:

headphones are best

find music we can all enjoy/ take turns choosing music

keep the volume way down... doesn't mean it can't be heard at all but is much easier to ignore

dd can play it in her room at an acceptable volume

limited time to play that music... big difference between a few songs and 3 hours

person who doesn't want to hear it can wear ear plugs, noise canceling headphones or turn on a white noise machine for awhile
 


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#5 of 23 Old 03-14-2013, 06:05 AM
 
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I can see not wanting her to play it loud, but I can't see why he doesn't want her to play it in another room softly where he can only hear it because he has sharp hearing. It's probably harder because it's an ex. I'd tell my husband to get over it LOL. But you can't have the same conversation with an ex I imagine. Really the solution is for him to relax, or wear headphones and listen to his own music if he doesn't like hers. It's a bit control freaky to not want someone else to listen to music to that extent - where it's just a case of thin walls and sharp hearing that makes you hear it at all.

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#6 of 23 Old 03-14-2013, 06:34 AM
 
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I remember, as a kid, we were not allowed to play any of our "noise", as my Dad called it, anywhere that he could hear it. He didn't like us listening to it otherwise, either. The "prefered" music was classical. Proper music. And I'll tell you - both of us resented it, and it took a long time for me to be willing to listen to classical music by choice. 

 

With my kids... there was music we all liked, what I liked, what they liked. I refused to do what my parents did, so I let them listen to what they liked - with one proviso. We all had to respect one another by keeping the volume at a reasonable level (this didn't mean so no one else could hear it, but so that everyone could still think at the same time. Headphones, my rule was always - if I can hear it when you have headphones on? It is too loud. Period. 

 

There were also times when we each got a choice of music in the car, or around the house. I found that some stuff they listened to, that I didn't think I'd like? Was actually pretty good. 

 

And my Mom? Especially once my son developed a real love of music - of all types... made a point to ask to listen to what he enjoyed. He'd make her CDs, she'd listen, then they'd discuss. A lot of times, she would tell him that she liked the lyrics, but not the music. Sometimes the other way around. He was willing to listen to music that she enjoyed as a result. Now? He is well on his way to becoming an accomplished composer in his own right, of New Music. I like to think that the tolerance shown helped him along his path. 

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#7 of 23 Old 03-15-2013, 10:48 PM
 
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One of my kids has extreme sensory issues including auditory sensitivity, (sounds really make her crazy and stressed) and so all music/tv/games in our house are by mutual consent OR on headphones.

 

Both my kids have very nice headphones. winky.gif
 

If she doesn't like listening with ear buds, try a different style. Depending on what device she is playing the music on, wireless headphones might be an option. May be a Nano would help save the peace.

 

But I personally don't think that anyone should have to listen to stuff they don't want to -- especially if it drives them crazy.

 

I've also observed that when ex's avoid telling the other one what the rules should in the their own home, life ends up smoother for all involved. Bolt.gif


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#8 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 01:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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But I personally don't think that anyone should have to listen to stuff they don't want to -- especially if it drives them crazy.

I have a problem with this attitude. if that was so then i would never have been able to listen to my music or radio station growing up. my parents tolerated my music till they reached a point. what really drove them crazy was me playing one song over and over again. but they still hung in there. i also listened to my father's music along with him. and to date that kind of music is special to me. of course some of the stuff i drove them crazy with? i cringe at some of the music i liked.

I've also observed that when ex's avoid telling the other one what the rules should in the their own home, life ends up smoother for all involved. Bolt.gif

i dont know if i will ever find a way to do this. i find it really sad that dd is the one who has to always stand up and speak up. with certain things she has to suffer till she has the courage to speak up. these days music is a coping strategy. the tween thing coming on. she has nice headphones and ear buds but she really doesnt like them in/on her ears. they hurt after a while. she has really sensitive ears (feels pressure on them easily, etc).. it would be nice if he allowed her to listen to her kind of music. he does not have a hearing issue. he just doesnt care for the type of music she listens to.  


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#9 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 05:00 AM
 
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i dont know if i will ever find a way to do this. i find it really sad that dd is the one who has to always stand up and speak up. with certain things she has to suffer till she has the courage to speak up. these days music is a coping strategy. the tween thing coming on. she has nice headphones and ear buds but she really doesnt like them in/on her ears. they hurt after a while. she has really sensitive ears (feels pressure on them easily, etc).. it would be nice if he allowed her to listen to her kind of music. he does not have a hearing issue. he just doesnt care for the type of music she listens to.  

 

Have you told him he's being a jerk? 'Cause he is. If THIS is how she copes? Maybe she won't decde to rebel against his (ridiculous) restrictions in a few years in more serious ways. Seriously not a hill to die on, IMO. 

 

Out of curiousity - what does she listen to? How about him?

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#10 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 06:53 AM
 
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Nobody mentioned a hearing problem. My DS and I both have auditory processing problems and are very sensitive to loud, or high pitched, sounds. Music is kept low in our house or car, unless the listener is wearing headphones or isn't there.
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#11 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 07:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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mtiger dd will start counselling soon. i am hoping the cousellor/therapist will be able to work with the parents too. 

 

i dont think ex means to be a jerk. i dont think he has an idea of what music means to dd - least of all that its a coping mechanism. anything i say he takes it as judgement on his parenting. doesnt mean he doesnt love his dd. he will do anything for her - but he just does not get it. he does not 'get' her on some levels. 

 

she listens to awolnation, Pink, Adele, 99 cents

 

he listens to Leonard Cohen, Pink Floyd, and local bands (from what dd has told me about the music he listens to). 


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#12 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 08:46 AM
 
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If I felt the same way as you, one of my kids would need to be on meds to cope with what the other one wants to hear. With two kids, it can never be all about what one person wants.

You used the word "ear buds" in the first post, which implies you haven't taken the "comfy ear phones " part of this seriously.


Bose over the ear, soft ear phones are very comfy, even for kids with such sensitive skin they have a diagnosable sensory problem.

Your dd could learn to be more flexible and considerate , but only if you decide that would be a good thing.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#13 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 08:55 AM
 
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Well said. And meemee's dd has two homes. It will not hurt her to go outside to listen to music at dad's house and wait to listen indoors until she gets back to mom's house.
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#14 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 09:25 AM
 
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I give my Dd suggestions about how to phrase things to her dad and i empathize. It helps that she only goes a little. I really minimize what i ask him to do or not to do unless it is something really big. Needing music to cope seems big but since she also needs a counselor to cope i would wait and ask the.counselor to address it in therapy. Waiting a little longer isn't going to make much of a difference.

Is there something else she likes doing and can do there? My DD loves drawing so I put together a kit for her dad's house. Is your DD unwilling to wear earphones of any sort or merely uncomfortable wearing them? That should make a difference in how you react. Earphones are uncomfortable at first but they for get easier to tolerate with use. I would be slow to make a big deal out of something that is an inconvenience for my DD but not intolerable. Sometimes we are inconvenienced for other people, sometimes parents make us do things we don't really want to do, and sometimes that is okay and not a reason to interfere.
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#15 of 23 Old 03-16-2013, 03:22 PM
 
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I'd invest in a good pair of headphones as really, I don't know how much control you can have over dad's feeligs about it. It's unfortunate as music can spark a lot of good conversation with your teen but if it is what it is, good headsets will sound much better than ear buds or even many speaker systems.

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#16 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 03:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Your dd could learn to be more flexible and considerate , but only if you decide that would be a good thing.

Sadly she does this too much. she has to compromise a lot. i think music is the last straw. and particularly this issue has become a big problem for her. 

 

really i think this is not just about music. its more about one more area where her opinions dont matter. i hope this does not affect dd's relationship with her dad. THAT is the crux of my concern. I hope it doesnt go down that way, but its like watching a train wreck in slow motion and unable to stop it. since he cant listen to me, i am hoping the counselor will handle this. 

 

btw she DOES have special headphones. she got them for christmas. probably not bose. yet it still hurts the outer shell of her ear after a while. 

 

One_Girl dd would have gone crazy had i not empathised with her. we do role model conversations a lot so she can bring up issues with her dad that are bothering her. she would cut down time with her dad if he would let her. she'd rather spend the day with him and the night with me. but he takes that as an insult. 


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#17 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 07:56 AM
 
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really i think this is not just about music. its more about one more area where her opinions dont matter. i hope this does not affect dd's relationship with her dad. THAT is the crux of my concern. I hope it doesnt go down that way, but its like watching a train wreck in slow motion and unable to stop it. since he cant listen to me, i am hoping the counselor will handle this. 

 

 

 

It will effect their relationship. We've seen it before... especially with dads who aren't living with their child full-time. Little girls grow up. They get more private. They have more activities (band, theatre, sports) and want to spend more time with friends. Of course, those things happen when? On weekends which is when most kids are with dad. Dad sees it as a personal rejection and as cutting into his time. He's not there during the week. He doesn't know their the same, busy, more private kid with mom too. Dad starts trying to control what he can control... like music. Kid gets angry. They fight. The good thing is, the dads we've known that have had previously strong relationships with their kids, do get them back. They just have to go through their growing pains.

 

If she has headphones, really, what else can be done? It's his home. You aren't there. If you've expressed her frustration. If she's expressed her frustration. If he doesn't care... well, then I guess she needs to live with this aspect of her life until he starts seeing reason. She gets cranky enough, he may decide it's not a hill to die on. Family counseling might help if there are other issues too. Good luck to your DD.


Married mom of two, DD 17 and DS 13.
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#18 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 08:22 AM
 
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Sadly she does this too much. she has to compromise a lot. i think music is the last straw. and particularly this issue has become a big problem for her. 

really i think this is not just about music. its more about one more area where her opinions dont matter. i hope this does not affect dd's relationship with her dad. THAT is the crux of my concern. I hope it doesnt go down that way, but its like watching a train wreck in slow motion and unable to stop it. since he cant listen to me, i am hoping the counselor will handle this. 

btw she DOES have special headphones. she got them for christmas. probably not bose. yet it still hurts the outer shell of her ear after a while. 

One_Girl dd would have gone crazy had i not empathised with her. we do role model conversations a lot so she can bring up issues with her dad that are bothering her. she would cut down time with her dad if he would let her. she'd rather spend the day with him and the night with me. but he takes that as an insult. 


If it affects their relationship, so be it. She does not need, and should not be taught, to respect people who do not respect her. If you insist that she have a good relationship with her father by "compromising", then she will repeat that pattern with her spouse. I was taught to value others' wants above my own, and I struggle with feeling it's ok to get what *I* want some of the time!
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#19 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 08:32 AM
 
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You mentioned night time so i want to.ask if this might be more of an issue of what she can do at night and for how long. If bedtime is much earlier or much quieter at her dad's house i can see that being a boring adjustment but also not one I'd interfere in. Music at night doesn't make a lot of sense to me because that is when we relax and read before going to sleep. Music is stimulating, especially the music you listed.
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#20 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 02:37 PM
 
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I know I sound like I'm beating a dead horse, but this is an issue that our family has spent a lot of time, money and energy finding real solutions that truly work for everyone.
I suggest you budget $100 - $130 for headphones and take your daughter to a big electronic store, such as best buy. Plan to spend 1-2 hours at the store. They have tons of headphones that one can try on and take for a test drive. Give her a lot of time to figure what she likes.

I know this sounds extreme, but it's actually cheaper and less time consuming than therapy. Also, it will work, and therapy won't. Therapy wont make her current headphones, which she didnt select and I suspect were inexpensive, more comfortable to her. Nor will it change her father in any way.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#21 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 07:54 PM
 
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I'm sorry - I didn't realize that this was a divorce situation. As much of a jerk as Dad is being, your hands are kind of tied. I know you know that... I've had to deal with power struggles between both of my kids and their Dad.  I agree with the advice regarding trying to find headphones that she will be comfortable wearing. I would encourage counseling for her... Both for her to learn how to deal with her Dad, and hopefully get Dad to participate. My ex is at a distance, and was not willing to participate in counseling anyway - even by phone. And it has greatly affected their relationship. Greatly. To give you an idea? Today is my girl's 19th birthday. They haven't spoken in over 4 years. Today? Will be no different. Except for the fact that I will not be there through the tears. 

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#22 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 08:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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linda no you are not beating the horse dead. i just didnt give you the full info. these are not cheapy headphones. they are not bose but they are 150 bucks headphones. this is her 4th pair. 

 

but its more than headphones really. its more not having the right to play her music. 

 

things are not that dark. earlier he used to only allow her movies he thought was appropriate. which is not a bad thing if he had any clues of what she likes. he gets her with reading and playing instruments. but not with some other things. we had a situation earlier which made him rethink his movies ban and so even though he does not approve of Sherlock he allows her to watch them. 

 

and yes whatsnextmom you are absolutely right. it will affect their relationship. she wants to do more things at my place where most of her friends are and he is having a hard time with that. puberty and hormones are really making life hard for her so i am being gentle with her. which means going over wherever she needs to emotionally. and her dad cant see why she should change her mind about who she chooses to stay with. 

 

One_girl dd likes listening to her music when doing her hw. which is in the evening right before bedtime. i think its emotions workout for her. she 'screams' internally with the music. so what she does is she listens to the music then takes a shower and reads in bed. the shower and reading calm her down. sometimes i have soothing water music for her to help her fall asleep. 

 

anyways. thanks all. we are pursuing counselling just coz our different parenting styles with puberty hormones are doing a number on dd. before she starts middle school we have to set a counselor in place. 


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#23 of 23 Old 03-17-2013, 10:09 PM
 
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It kind of sounds like he has more boundaries and that is hard on her because she is a child who does well without them. My DD doesn't like her dad's house for the opposite reason because she likes boundaries. If he is going to counseling with her i suggest asking the counselor about addressing that rather than just the music since this isn't the first time it has happened.

Having a set schedule for visitation might help her switch from your expectations to his a little easier. My DD loves the set schedule she has because she always knows when she has to deal with the chaos at her dad's house (three other kids live there) and she has created a little routine to help herself adjust happily. Having the visit days clustered together may also make it easier on her so she doesn't have to bounce between expectations too frequently. I also broke down and purchased a tracfone for my DD and loaded it with her friends numbers so she can call or text when at her dad's. It helps her feel like she has options even though she hasn't needed to

Sharing custody seems to get harder the older DD gets not easier. I hope the counseling helps.
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