Helping Daughter Stand up for Herself - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 03-28-2013, 07:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My D14 has an auditory processing disorder.  Sometimes the fact that she can't process what she hears has caused problems for her in social situations and hasn’t always had friends.  But as she's gotten older she’s learned to cope with her disability and in the past few years she's made several good friends.

 

Every morning she waits at the bus stop with other kids that go to her school.  D14 is a freshman, at the bus stop there are several kids that are older than her all waiting for the same bus.

 

D14 told me that this particular morning at the bus stop someone said something about a morgue and she asked what’s a morgue?

One of the juniors told her “it’s a place where they keep dead people” but she said in a very condescending tone that basically said “you are so stupid”.

D14 replied “I didn’t know that I’m only 14” but the girl just ignored her.

 

D14 said this same girl has done this to her several times now and I can tell it really bothers her.

I told her she should tell this girl that how she talks to her makes her feel real bad but she doesn’t want to confront this girl.  She says she doesn’t want to get into a fight.  I told her if she stands up for herself it shouldn’t lead to a physical fight, but if it does she should defend herself. 

 

I hate the thought of my daughter being bullied, you know how mean teen girls can be.  This girl is not really friends with my daughter, but she’s friends with one of D14’s friends that is also a junior.  So she also doesn’t want to cause problems between the two girls.

 

Any suggestions on how to help her deal with girls like this?


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#2 of 7 Old 03-28-2013, 07:34 AM
 
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If the other girl is not seeking out your daughter, and your daughter's self-esteem is not being harmed, it may be best to let sleeping dogs lie -- while keeping an eye on the situation. Any attempt to stand up for herself could draw this girl's attention to her,and more bullying could be the result.

There are obnoxious people in this world, and being talked down to occurs in various places. I wouls just let her know that the girl's attitude shows that the girl doesn't have good self-esteem, and tries to make herself feel better by putting down others. And the best way to handle the occasional condescension is to let it go. If it makes your daughter uncomfortable to wait at the bus stop, then something should be done.

I tend to have a "try not to be noticed" attitude about such things. Maybe I'm the one with the unhealthy attitude. I don't know. Anyway, I'll be reading with you to see what others think about this.
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#3 of 7 Old 03-28-2013, 08:30 AM
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In this case, I would just advice your daughter to ignore her.  If she is talking about something she doesn't understand, she can ask you about it at home later.  She doesn't need to contribute to the conversation.  I don't thing the response that "I'm only 14" is helping though.  I would find a different way to respond.  Is the bully trying to get your dd involved at the bus stop?  Or is your dd trying to be part of the group?  The difference may be important.  If you dd is being pestered, it is much harder to ignore the bully.  If your dd is trying to be part of the group, perhaps she can just talk with someone else.  

 

I would hesitate to "confront" the bully at this point except in the moment.

 

Amy

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#4 of 7 Old 03-28-2013, 08:57 AM
 
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I really don't even see this as bullying, per se. Most Juniors think Freshman are stupid

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#5 of 7 Old 03-28-2013, 08:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by AAK View Post

In this case, I would just advice your daughter to ignore her.  If she is talking about something she doesn't understand, she can ask you about it at home later.  She doesn't need to contribute to the conversation. 

 

Thanks, good tip. 

 

 

I think part of the problem is that my D14 has no problem asking questions.  My motto has always been there's no such thing as a dumb question.  Also, because of her auditory processing disorder I've encouraged her to ask for clarification when she's not sure of something she's heard.  Her teachers always say she asks a lot of questions, LOL.  Some teachers like it, but some get annoyed because they think it's because she's not paying attention.  Really, it's because of her APD that sometimes she has to ask for something to be repeated. 

 

I think she also has a hard time understanding when and when NOT to ask questions, or asks a question that if she just did a little research or thinking about could figure out herself. 

Sometimes she'll ask me something before she thinks, and that might also be part of the problem.

 

For example, we'll sit down and start watching a brand new TV show.  She'll ask me about the TV show, and I'll have to tell her, D14, you know just as much as I do about it, you know we've never seen this show before.  But I try to do it in a kind way, teenagers at school aren't going to be as nice as I am about it.

 

The other part of the problem I suspect is that she's trying to be part of the group.  It does not sound like the bully is seeking her out, seems like it's only when she asks a question that may seem obvious to this girl that she replies to my D14 like this.  Like, duh, what a dumb question to ask.

 

I can encourage her to ask someone who doesn't treat her so rudely, or wait until she's home and ask me. 


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#6 of 7 Old 03-28-2013, 09:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really don't even see this as bullying, per se.Most Juniors think Freshman are stupid

 

Yeah, bullying is probably an overstatement on my part.

 

And you're right, D14 said this girl does not like Freshman, so that's probably why she's so nasty to D14.

 

I'm more so just looking for how to help her cope with this kind of situation, I'm sure this isn't the last time she's going to encounter someone who is less than patient with her questions.


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#7 of 7 Old 04-01-2013, 02:44 AM
 
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I once had a coworker who said everything in a snotty tone of voice. At first I thought she was just a snotty person, but then I found out she wasn't so bad. I think her voice was just stuck like that or something. (People tend to pick up vocal habits from their environment, so maybe the problem was caused by everyone in her life talking to her like that.) My sister is getting like that.

 

So I've come to think some people can't help having a nasty tone of voice all the time, and thus I often try to disregard tone and focus on the actual words.

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