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Old 04-18-2013, 06:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...If it would be okay to have a girlfriend spend the night.

I told her no, and she asked why, but I'm not even sure myself.  What would you tell your kids?  She's 16 (17 in 2 days!), so too old to give her the 'because I'm the parent' bit!

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Old 04-18-2013, 06:47 PM
 
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Is this a girl who's a friend, or a girlfriend?

 

If the latter, my answer would be pretty simple: I'm not enabling under age sex in the house. In most states (certainly in mine) the age of consent is 18.

 

If the former, and just a friend who is a girl.... eh. I wouldn't prohibit it. My concern with having a male friend over (even one with whom my daughter isn't romantically involved) would be because of the possibility of rape (and pregnancy); even if I thought he was a "good guy" you can never be sure, and I knew plenty of girls in high school who were raped by male friends or friends of their brothers. But statistically speaking, the risk that a similarly aged female friend would sexually assault my daughter is so miniscule, I'd be much more worried about them staying up too late talking and feeling sick the next day and other sleepover worries.

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Old 04-18-2013, 06:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They're 'just friends' but I suspect it's more, and she just isn't telling me because she doesn't want to lose the right to sleepovers.  And if I said that, it would basically be saying that I thought she was engaging in sexual activities, and I know that's not true at all.

I know my daughter, and I know she's skittish at even hugging her friends.  She wouldn't do anything of that nature for a while.

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Old 04-18-2013, 06:58 PM
 
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I think a blanket rule might work better. Either you allow sleepovers, or you don't. Not "You can't have that kid spend the night because I think you're attracted to her."

 

Why not allow it and have them keep the door open?


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Old 04-18-2013, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's not the possibility of sex at all, it's just that I wouldn't let a boy spend the night at my house even if he were gay, and she a lesbian.  It's more of an equality thing, no boys, and no girls- and if she does come out and tell me they're dating, I've been allowing sleepovers this whole time because they were 'friends'.

The whole issue is just confusing to me; I let her have female friends over, but not girlfriends, and no boys or boyfriends?  I remember when I was younger, I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers at all.  I wouldn't want to take that away from her, because I missed out on a lot of bonding.  I don't want to keep her from her friends, but because she likes girls too there's always that chance.

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Old 04-19-2013, 09:56 AM
 
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That is a very confusing situation and I think you are perfectly entitled to be unsure. I have a friend whose daughter came out recently as gay and he's just put a stop on all sleep-overs in general. It is just too complicated not only with his own daughter but with other people's daughters.... and that is a factor. You are taking responsibility with another persons child... does the friend's parents understand the situation? If your DD is out, will rumors spread about these girls at school? Are both the girls prepared for that? People have different tolerances for that sort of attention.

 

I'm not totally against co-ed sleepovers in general (and I know, this is not "co-ed" but if she's bi-sexual, then the capacity to be attracted to her guest is there.) My eldest has been to some group co-ed sleep-overs... working "sleep-overs" related to a project, well supervised by people we trust. I would not OK a one-on-one sleep-over for my DD with a boy, even if gay (because we've seen some weird stuff go down lol.) I'd do the same with girls if she were gay. Sleep-overs breed a high level of intimacy and it's not something I want to breed in my own house.

 

You are in unchartered territory and I'd just be honest with your DD about that. There really aren't social norms in place for your situation yet. Until there are, it might just be easier to nix the sleep-overs for now. She's 17. If she's had the fun of sleep-overs when she was 10 or 11, then you haven't robbed her. Sleep-overs at this age aren't as big a deal, at least in our area. The kids are all too busy and always something they have to wake early for the next day. There are lots of great ways to have fun and bond with your friends that don't involve spending the night


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Old 04-19-2013, 10:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by moodymother78 View Post
 

I'm confused, because on the one hand you say - 

 

It's not the possibility of sex at all...

 

But then go on to say - 

 

...if she does come out and tell me they're dating, I've been allowing sleepovers this whole time because they were 'friends'.

 

...I don't want to keep her from her friends, but because she likes girls too there's always that chance.

 

Chance of what?  Of the possibility of sex?  Because that's what you just said didn't bother or worry you.  If it is not the sex part that bothers you, is it about romantic intimacy?  You just wouldn't want her to have someone she had feelings for over? 

 

Alternately, are you worried what other parents would say, if it came out that you had been, however inadvertently, facilitating these sleepovers? I would go easy on yourself in that regard, and keep in mind, alot of parents facilitate same-sex sleepovers who have no idea their children are gay or bisexual until much later (if ever).

 

Has this girl slept over in the past?  If so, it might seem strange to suddenly not allow it, without talking to your DD about why.  Can you talk to her openly about your concerns?

 

(Sorry to ask so many questions, just trying to gain some clarity.)


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Old 04-19-2013, 11:06 AM
 
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When I had sleepovers as a teen with one friend, we just both slept in the living room. We could whisper and giggle to our heart's content but there wasn't real privacy as anyone could be going to the kitchen for a glass of water or use the bathroom. Would that be a feasible compromise for you?
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Old 04-19-2013, 01:28 PM
 
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I feel like 17 is old for sleep overs. I know when I was that age a sleepover usually was to facilitate something I should not be doing anyway.
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Old 04-19-2013, 01:37 PM
 
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I'd totally let her have the sleepover. You don't want her to not have friends just because of her sexual orientation.

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Old 04-19-2013, 02:02 PM
 
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I'd totally let her have the sleepover. You don't want her to not have friends just because of her sexual orientation.

 

Is it one or the other though? While my DD had girls sleeping over several times a month when she was 10, at 16, she hasn't had a kid sleep over in a good 2 years. She's stayed the night elsewhere maybe 3 times since she hit 14 and all were group settings. She still manages to have lots of quality friends. In fact, most of her best friends are boys and they manage to stay friends even though we aren't having them spend the night. Sleep-overs peek in middle school. After that, it's not routine in our area. There are lots of things teens can do. They can go to the movies, on hikes, hang out at the house and watch TV, spend the day at the beach, go to plays, school sporting events... all sorts of great bonding experiences. 

 

What the OP chooses to do is up to her but I'd not say that it's either "have sleep-overs despite your own discomfort" or "your DD will have no friends."


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Old 04-20-2013, 05:49 AM
 
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The number of sleepovers with teenagers definitely differs based on region, then.

 

I could count on one hand the number of sleepovers I was invited to in elementary and middle school, but during high school they were a routine event. We weren't doing anything we weren't supposed to be doing, mostly just tabletop role-playing games, movies, Scrabble, long and angsty discussions about ourselves, and other holy-crap-we-were-such-dorks pursuits. Other groups in the same school did different things, but none of it was too terribly bad; regardless, sleepovers were common among friends even after we all got older and were home on breaks from college. This was in the 90s, so it wasn't that long ago.

 

 

I think one thing to keep in mind is that when most of us were growing up, teenagers had more free time than they do now. One thing to consider is how many opportunities for socializing outside of school they get; sleepovers might be one of the few, and it's at least a situation in which there's some parental oversight. I'd think most parents would be more encouraging of them.
 

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Old 04-20-2013, 06:15 AM
 
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Both of my kids had sleepovers as teens, and now as young adults when they're home. I don't se it as a big deal.

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Old 04-20-2013, 08:14 AM
 
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I think one thing to keep in mind is that when most of us were growing up, teenagers had more free time than they do now. One thing to consider is how many opportunities for socializing outside of school they get; sleepovers might be one of the few, and it's at least a situation in which there's some parental oversight. I'd think most parents would be more encouraging of them.
 

 

The question isn't if teens should be having sleep-overs. I have no problem with sleep overs. The OP's question is should her openly bi-sexual daughter have a sleep-over with a girl the mom suspects is something more than a friend. I'm merely saying that if it's too gray an area then her 17-year-old will survive without sleep-overs and still manage to have quality  friendships.


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Old 04-20-2013, 08:21 AM
 
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We had sleepovers up until I moved out and had a baby. Occasionally there are sleepovers with our homeschool group moms where all the kids group up with dads and have sleepovers of their own while us moms get tipsy and loud, then go to sleep somewhere in the house.


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Old 04-20-2013, 08:31 AM
 
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We had sleepovers up until I moved out and had a baby. Occasionally there are sleepovers with our homeschool group moms where all the kids group up with dads and have sleepovers of their own while us moms get tipsy and loud, then go to sleep somewhere in the house.
Omg I only have a 2 year old and don't plan to homeschool but can I PLEASE join your HS group??? Lol
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Old 04-20-2013, 08:36 AM
 
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The question isn't if teens should be having sleep-overs. I have no problem with sleep overs. The OP's question is should her openly bi-sexual daughter have a sleep-over with a girl the mom suspects is something more than a friend. I'm merely saying that if it's too gray an area then her 17-year-old will survive without sleep-overs and still manage to have quality  friendships.

 

Nod. 

 

My last sleepover was probably when I was ohhh, 14-ish? Teenage sleepovers are not a requirement for a fulfilled teenhood.  I had close friendships that last to this very day, (nearly 25 years !) ; and a serious boyfriend at the time (that did not last - ha!)  and made it through hanging out, going home at midnight and sleeping in my own bed. Shrug.  


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Old 04-20-2013, 08:36 AM
 
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Omg I only have a 2 year old and don't plan to homeschool but can I PLEASE join your HS group??? Lol

ME TOO.


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Old 04-22-2013, 12:02 AM
 
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We had sleepovers up until I moved out and had a baby. Occasionally there are sleepovers with our homeschool group moms where all the kids group up with dads and have sleepovers of their own while us moms get tipsy and loud, then go to sleep somewhere in the house.

OMG we did that with single moms. since i am allergic to alcohol (yeah the asian gene in me) i'd stay home with a bunch of kids while the moms went out and then we'd all have a sleepover together. those certainly were good times. we all slept on the floor in the living room. the moms loved it and i LOOOOOOOOOOOVED having a LARGE family for an evening. 

 

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Old 04-22-2013, 11:11 AM
 
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Sleepover in the living room! That seems like a good solution.


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Old 04-22-2013, 02:39 PM
 
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My DD isn't friends with many boys, except one, who is openly bisexual. I have let him come along to sleepovers a couple of times, because they're 12. I know that no one would try anything, first of all, and second, at that age, it's pretty arbitrary. Mechanically, even if this boy had wanted to try something, I don't think penetration or pregnancy *could* likely occur, and certainly not in front of 4 other people. Second, in this age of kids (and people in general) being open about their sexuality, there is wayyyy too much fluidity to make these kinds of hard and fast gender sleepover rules anymore. If your daughter said she was gay, would you let boys sleep over? Probably not. The safest bet to make is that "everyone's a little gay sometimes" (to quote Honey BooBoo) and treat them all accordingly. Everyone sleeps in the living room. DDs best friend has a 15 year old sister who regularly has co-ed sleepovers and no one has gotten pregnant, lost their virginity, or done more than awkwardly closed mouth kiss in front of their peers. Just closely supervise and make sure no one is wandering off (the 15 year olds parents split up so one sleeps in their room and the other in the guest room so they would know if anyone wandered in) and set the house alarm so no one opens doors and you're good.
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