18 year old slob - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 47 Old 05-16-2013, 01:14 PM
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 9,766
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Hmm.  She described how she has taken herself out of the equation altogether. That seems like the opposite of micromanagement. She's not looking over their shoulders telling them how to pick up their clothes.  She defined what needs to be done and has left it for them to do.

 

On the other hand, Linda, you might have stopped at your first sentence there.  smile.gif


Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
#32 of 47 Old 05-16-2013, 02:37 PM
 
pek64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,502
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it *is* micromanaging, since she is deciding that certain areas must be "tidy" in their personal areas. That's micromanaging. Personal areas should have more person control over the appearance. And she has *not* removed herself, since she is checking to see if the work is done. Also, either way there is subjective review. Each person's definition of "tidy" is unique.
pek64 is offline  
#33 of 47 Old 05-16-2013, 02:53 PM
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 9,766
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Okay.  I think the important difference is between our children.  My children are different from your children, who are different from Linda's children.  Linda has explained that one of her children especially benefits from a more explicit, structured plan. Your child is not the same, and you know what you and your child are comfortable with.  Micromanagement is obviously a negative description. 

Viola likes this.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
#34 of 47 Old 05-16-2013, 03:56 PM
 
Jennyanydots's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,380
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah, I see your point, but it was extremely rude for her to make a statement that targets another's methods as inferior to hers, and by doing that she opened herself up to criticism.

For the record, I don't advocate randomly and arbitrarily springing surprise expectations on unwitting children. I don't dictate to my kids what "tidy" is, I just provide occasional reminders that we need to clean up so that our personal spaces will be pleasant to live in. I respect their ability to set standards for themselves, while realizing that sometimes they do require a little external motivation.

chicken3.gif mama to two teens and two tots partners.gif madly in love with DP guitar.gif

Jennyanydots is offline  
#35 of 47 Old 05-16-2013, 06:38 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,678
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 68 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

Hmm.  She described how she has taken herself out of the equation altogether. That seems like the opposite of micromanagement. She's not looking over their shoulders telling them how to pick up their clothes.  She defined what needs to be done and has left it for them to do.

 

 

yeah, that's really it. Since the thread is now a debate about whether or not I micromanage my kiddos, I decided to look it up and see exactly what it means before responding.

 

 

Quote: 
http://www.yourdictionary.com/micromanage

transitive verb micromanaged, micromanaging

 

to manage or control very closely, as by making decisions about even the smallest details, often so as to be regarded as acting inefficiently or counterproductively

 

That's not what I did at all. I made up a list, which was really based on the big problems (some of which are serious because they are compounded by our pets) and I put the list in a place where my kids can always find it. I went through it with them the first couple of days and clarified things, but that was really that. I spot check (stick my head in their doors) some days. But they  run system on their own without much from me at this point. I could fall over dead and they could still do the same things, which to a certain extent, I think they would because now that they live in a tidy space, they've found that they like it.

 

I'm not micromanaging. I taught them how to keep their rooms tidy. I didn't leave it for them to figure out, because we tried that and it didn't work here.

 

 

Quote:

transitive verb taught, teaching

 

  1. to show or help (a person) to learn (how) to do something: to teach a child (how) to swim
  2. to give lessons to (a student, pupil, or class); guide the studies of; instruct
  3. to give lessons in (a subject) to someone; help someone to develop (a skill or trait): teaches French, taught him self-discipline

 

 

I posted the list and explained our system because I thought it would help the OPer. Remember the OPer??  She has pets in her home that are forced to live in their own feces and urine. The situation is totally out of control. While I do understand that other, less specific and formal systems work well for some families, I think that is obviously not the case for the OPer.

 

This was a big issue for us for a while, and we've done some real work on it. What we are doing now works really beautiful for us (partly because it really suits my kids).  I'm not saying it the only way, or the right way, I'm saying for a family who is struggling with this, it's something that is worth trying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pek64 View Post

Each person's definition of "tidy" is unique.

 

I don't think that we define "tidy" differently. I think we all know when a room is tidy and when it isn't. Rather, I think we all have different standards for what is "tidy ENOUGH."  I suspect every parent on this thread has a bottom for how dirty/filthy their kids' rooms can get before something has to happen. That's a different spot for many of us, which is fine. I'm not saying what the line for should for another parent for tidy ENOUGH.  It's up to you. But when you figure out what that line is for, if you and your teen are having a struggle, writing it down in list might help.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#36 of 47 Old 05-16-2013, 10:23 PM
 
Jennyanydots's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,380
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I really don't see how that is any different on a philosophical level than what I do -- you do require your children to clean up their rooms and change sheets. It isn't "their" room to the point that they are allowed to live in filth.

The difference between what you and I do is that I'm very clear about my expectations up front, while you decide randomly what is "too messy, " and that I set the bar higher for what is acceptable.  

This was the snarkiness I was responding to. First, it sounds like you think after your post any others were superfluous, and others shouldn't bother adding their thoughts. Then, you directly compared our "philosophies" and found mine inferior. If you don't like the subsequent tone the thread has taken, you shouldn't have been rude in the first place.
journeymom likes this.

chicken3.gif mama to two teens and two tots partners.gif madly in love with DP guitar.gif

Jennyanydots is offline  
#37 of 47 Old 05-17-2013, 07:30 AM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We had lizards. Their cages did NOT need to be cleaned daily. Weekly sufficed. And ferrets? Stink. No matter how often you clean their home. So maybe OP needs to educate herself what needs to be done, and then educate her daughter. 

 

Did I miss the response to my comment that maybe kiddo is taking after Mom? Since the boyfriend seems to be doing all the housework. 

mtiger is offline  
#38 of 47 Old 05-17-2013, 09:02 AM
 
4evermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 8,834
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I posted the list and explained our system because I thought it would help the OPer. Remember the OPer??  She has pets in her home that are forced to live in their own feces and urine. The situation is totally out of control. While I do understand that other, less specific and formal systems work well for some families, I think that is obviously not the case for the OPer.

We really don't know that. The OP seems to think that clean clothes that have fallen on the floor need to be rewashed. We have no clue to the extent that she may be exaggerating because she is frustrated. We have no clue if she is a bit OCD and if she sees the tiniest bit of dust and clutter as filth and hoarding. 


Mom to unschooling 4everboy since 8/01
4evermom is offline  
#39 of 47 Old 05-17-2013, 05:01 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,678
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 68 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennyanydots View Post


This was the snarkiness I was responding to. First, it sounds like you think after your post any others were superfluous, and others shouldn't bother adding their thoughts. Then, you directly compared our "philosophies" and found mine inferior. If you don't like the subsequent tone the thread has taken, you shouldn't have been rude in the first place.

 

I pointed out a flaw in your logic. I didn't attack you or say that your way was inferior. I said:

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

Both of us require our children clean up, and both of us have systems that work well for our own families. thumb.gif

 

That's not snarky or rude. You require your children clean their rooms and change the sheets, and you do it in a way that works for your family.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4evermom View Post

We really don't know that. The OP seems to think that clean clothes that have fallen on the floor need to be rewashed. We have no clue to the extent that she may be exaggerating because she is frustrated. We have no clue if she is a bit OCD and if she sees the tiniest bit of dust and clutter as filth and hoarding. 

 

Depending on how long its been since the floor was cleaned, how many dirty clothes got mixed in with the clean ones, if some stinky gym shoes were thrown on top, how much trash/dirty dishes/pet hair were in the mix, they may have NEEDED to be washed. When things are really out of control, clothes that haven't been worn can need to be laundered, and things are really out of control in this young woman's room.

 

From the OP:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiddoe390 View Post

 

... The loft area was pretty big so she felt the need to pack as many lizards, clothes, shoes and trash that she could into that area of the apartment. ...

We moved into a condo that was alot nicer than the apartment. We made it perfectly clear to her that she was to keep her room clean and trash off of the floor and no dirty dishes lying around. ...She does have time to clean her lizard and the ferret cages so they dont stink.   

 

It sounds like a nasty, stinky mess that could easily attract bugs. It's gross. This isn't about OCD or a tiny bit of dust. (Dust was never mentioned).

 

We all may differ on how clean is "clean ENOUGH," but I would be really surprised if any one thinks that trash, dirty dishes and the reek of pet cages that haven't been cleaned is "clean ENOUGH."


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#40 of 47 Old 05-17-2013, 06:28 PM
 
4evermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 8,834
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post



When things are really out of control, clothes that haven't been worn can need to be laundered, and things are really out of control in this young woman's room.

It sounds like a nasty, stinky mess that could easily attract bugs. It's gross. This isn't about OCD or a tiny bit of dust. (Dust was never mentioned)

Still, we don't know that "things are really out of control" unless you've made a personal visit. For all we know OP could be upset about a few tissues on the floor and a few bowls on the dresser.

Mom to unschooling 4everboy since 8/01
4evermom is offline  
#41 of 47 Old 05-17-2013, 06:44 PM
 
pek64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,502
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
And all ferets stink, no matter what you do, as another poster said.
pek64 is offline  
#42 of 47 Old 05-17-2013, 09:26 PM
 
Jennyanydots's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,380
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I pointed out a flaw in your logic. I didn't attack you or say that your way was inferior.
What are you talking about? There wasn't any logic to attack in what I said that you responded to. The only possible "logic" you could be referring to was my statement that I agreed with a previous poster- which apparently you took to mean that I was agreeing with someone who was NOT you, thus disagreeing with you, and therefore wrong. The arrogance of this attitude is astounding. FWIW I didn't even read all of your first post- or any of your others because they're too verbose for my attention span- but I am offended that you took the opportunity to single me out and criticize me for doing what most on this thread were doing- offering our thoughts and experiences to the OP. You may wish to read your post again if you think you weren't rude or belittling, because clearly you were.

Sorry, OP. I only posted to try to be helpful. I should have realized that the queen of motherhood had already said all there was to say and the thread should've been locked and closed. Gonna unsub, goodnight.

chicken3.gif mama to two teens and two tots partners.gif madly in love with DP guitar.gif

Jennyanydots is offline  
#43 of 47 Old 05-18-2013, 05:52 AM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 

 

College entrance was settled months ago. If she is going anyplace other than community college, that is already all settled. If it is community college, then her grades don't matter.

 

She doesn't know how to do laundry, much less how to do laundry and study and at same time right now, and therefore she ain't ready for college (even though she is already earning college credits!).  I think a parent should be walking her through how to do her laundry (which she can do while studying).

 

Well, actually... while admission may have already occurred, that is usually contingent on maintaining GPA. Admissions letters state this. So even if she's gotten in, her Senior finals DO matter. 

 

You may be surprised at how many college students do not know how to do laundry. My daughter did quite well for herself first term doing/teaching kids how to do it. 

mtiger is offline  
#44 of 47 Old 05-18-2013, 05:53 AM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Double post.
mtiger is offline  
#45 of 47 Old 05-18-2013, 07:56 AM
 
4evermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 8,834
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

You may be surprised at how many college students do not know how to do laundry. My daughter did quite well for herself first term doing/teaching kids how to do it. 

No one ever taught me to do laundry. Yet I had no trouble washing my own clothes when I went off to college. It's rather self explanatory. Put clothes in machine, add detergent, insert quarters. People can make it all complicated and talk about fiber content and water temperature if they like. But it isn't necessary. Sure the odd item might shrink but then it doesn't fit and it's no longer an issue;-)


Mom to unschooling 4everboy since 8/01
4evermom is offline  
#46 of 47 Old 05-19-2013, 06:18 PM
 
Kamiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,923
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Trash goes in a trash can, dirty clothes go in a hamper, and clean clothes get put away. Animal abuse/neglect will be dealt with accordingly.

The end.

 

The rest of it can be taught or worked on when things are not so stressful.


sewmachine.gifknit.gifrainbow1284.gifDaughter of Him, Wife and Mother to them partners.gifstillheart.gifstillheart.gifstillheart.gifstillheart.gif,  

heartbeat.gifOne more on the way Fall 2013 pos.gif

 

Kamiro is offline  
#47 of 47 Old 05-20-2013, 05:50 AM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4evermom View Post

No one ever taught me to do laundry. Yet I had no trouble washing my own clothes when I went off to college. It's rather self explanatory. Put clothes in machine, add detergent, insert quarters. People can make it all complicated and talk about fiber content and water temperature if they like. But it isn't necessary. Sure the odd item might shrink but then it doesn't fit and it's no longer an issue;-)

 

Oh, I agree! Both of mine picked it up easily early on. The only laundry that was an issue was my oldest washing the youngest's underwear. Fair enough. 

But so many people do make it seem complicated, that a lot of kids at my daughter's school were lost. She made good bank doing/teaching them how to do their wash. Also got her in good with the soccer, bball and lax boys! LOL 

mtiger is offline  
Reply

Tags
Teens

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off