My best friends daughter is really mean to my daughter for years - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 05-08-2013, 11:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My best friends daughter is really mean to my daughter. They are 11 and 12 yrs old. She is nice when she has no one else to play with but if there are other friends around then she will exclude my daughter and tell her that she is closer to her other friends and make fun of her . All of the moms are friends but I joined the group the latest. It has now been nearly 8 yrs. in the past few years I have grown closer to her mom and vice versa so we meet often but I have seen her do this to my daughter so many times and it is frustrating. My daughter is very naive and for years does not even know when she is being treated badly. Like this time three of us decided to take our daughters out for dinner so the kids could spend time together. Lets say I am A the mean girls mom is B and another friends mom is C ...so the mean girls claims that she is close to C's daughter because they have known each other longer and that's how it is... For a long time C used to get offended when me and B started to spend time together more often but now we are past that and althought B loves C B cannot be close to C as much as she would like to because C likes her space in a lot of ways ....now we have come to a better understanding that we are all friends. So night out with the little girls and this mean one clings to C daughter and would not want Cs daughter to talk to my daughter and literally was pushing her .... And then she took away her bracelet and hid it and when my daughter asked her for out she made fun of her ... And they went to use the restroom and they left her there and ran away. Recently my daughter wanted to perform a dance and asked them if they wanted to join and although c's daughter backed off bs daughter wanted to join ...my daughter was prepared to do a solo.... So now she (with my help) choreographed the songs and then taught this mean one ...and she in turn after each practice will play with the other friend and tell my daughter to bud out..." This not your thing ... Why are you here?" She would even do this at our house... All the friends would pile up on the couch to watch our TV and tell my daughter too bad there is no place for you here...and I have seen this... I hate that I have to do all this and help this kid out with the dance and she really keeps doing this ...but in such subtle ways that I have always had to ignore this ... Because when she has no one else to hang out with then she is fine .... I want to resolve this.... Not sure if I could tell her mom.... She obviously will take her kids side...I feel just tell her mom our kids don't get along... And so I can't come over anymore ... Thanks for everything and leave it at that...it is eating at me .... Because obviously I don't want my daughter to be bullied like this... And the fact that I have to be nice to this brat ...and help her with all the dance stuff... She even told my daughter that my daughter should not do the worm ( a cool dance move) because they don't know how... They cannot learn it even though my daughter is willing to teach them but my daughter should not do it because then she will be special and that cannot be...when it was my daughter idea to do the dance ... She is the one learning the steps and then teaching them how to do it...and unlike them she is fine to even do a solo...I understand in a group no one person should hog the limelight but here they all have the opportunity to learn ...but because they can't and don't want to put in the effort ... It is not fair to my daughter to not do it.....it would have been easier if I was not friends with her mom..... I am okay with losing the friendship but I am also emotional because regardless I will be hurt because we will have to part ways and it is hard to find good friends and my family is India..and I am here is the US... I hate this waiting period and dealing with the confrontation ... I just the conclusion... I don't want to have the brat talk to ... Because I feel she should also learn from this... She should learn that my daughter was valuable and good friend and it is her loss and besides this is how she has been for so many years that parental interference is not going to help... One cannot be forced to like someone... I wish I could just skip all the drama and get to the end... End of everything. Help....what should I do?????
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#2 of 10 Old 05-09-2013, 03:27 AM
 
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What are your daughter's thoughts? 

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#3 of 10 Old 05-09-2013, 04:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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She does feel hurt. But since moms (us) are friends it gets confusing because I would visit my friend and my daughter would go with me and those times when the mean one had no other friends she would ask us to stay so she could play with my daughter and I try to back off by using excuses that it is getting late ... I would not be able to ... And I would tell my daughter fine just go play for sometime... Even with the night in question we did not want to go but the other friend would go only if we were all going .. And it is usually like that ... So to be polite and not to cause a scene it becomes hard to avoid her ... It has been a learning experience for my daughter and I have had to explain to her that a friend is a friend at all times not only when it is convenient and just because she has known the other friend longer does not mean she can push you out every time it is convenient... But because she is nice ( but always bossy ... When they come over our place they go anywhere And play with anything and take out all the toys and it is a big mess in all rooms because they will spread out but when's kids go there they will be told that they cannot play with the kitchen set and they never go into their rooms they stay right where I am .... Sorry I guess I want my kid to learn to Stand up for herself ... And tell her friend that ... They don't need to be friends any more ... I just don't know if and what I should tell her mother....
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#4 of 10 Old 05-09-2013, 09:17 AM
 
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I would separate my friendship with the Mom from the kids' relationship. Visit with your friend as you wish, invite your daughter along if she chooses. Your girls are old enough to manage their own friendship. Or not. I don't think I would "confront" the mom about her child's behavior. I am sure there is another side to the story, and right or wrong, she would take her own child's side, possibly causing a rift in your friendship. 

 

Does your daughter have other friends or activities? I think it would be perfectly natural for your daughter to have "other plans" on a day you were visiting with your friend. No explanations or accusations.

 

One of my dearest childhood friends lives in town, and has a boy just my YoungSon's age. We always imagined they would grow up as close as cousins. Nope. Although they share some interests, they just don't much like each other. Nothing negative ever happened between them, but they just each have their own lives. Oh, well, mom and I remain friends, and see each other alone. Everyone gets together around the holidays, but all our attempts at nurturing their friendship have failed. Shrug.


Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#5 of 10 Old 05-09-2013, 09:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ... I don't want to confront my friend but it has been like this for years and we meet for all special occasions and my daughter has to go with me because there is no place to leave her and when we get there she has to join the younger girls and the mean one is mean but not in front of her mom... And we can't leave because we need to be polite and not cause any problems so she sucks it up and this goes on.... We visit for all birthdays and anniversaries ... And I feel it would e best to just tell her this.... That our daughter have been having problems and they are older now and they don't need to be friends just because we are... So from here on let them be ... It is best for both of them " that's it so in the future I won't have to explain why I won't be part of any visit or activity where my daughter would need to be ... Like if the younger girls were getting together at her house and vice versa ... Or other group gatherings with kids involved because it makes no sense I be involved or visit and leave my daughter behind .... Nothing more ...but no saying anything has led to this .... Thanks for helping sort this out.
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#6 of 10 Old 05-14-2013, 10:21 PM
 
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"we meet for all special occasions and my daughter has to go with me because there is no place to leave her"

 

Try imagining yourself in your daughter's place. Would you want to go with her when people are mean to you or would you want her to stop attending functions where people were mean to you? 

 

I'm with mamarhu. If you want to be friends with the girl's mom, I would find ways to spend time with her without getting the kids together. 


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#7 of 10 Old 05-15-2013, 09:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ... That's what I have been trying to do ... Problem has been my daughter most of the time just takes the crap ....and usually thinks badly but is basically very nice .. Does
Not know how to be mean so she does
Not understand ..... I want her to stand up for herself ... And tell the mean one that she will
Not be friends with her anymore
And I will completely support her ... And we are hoping to do just that soon.
Thank you all so much for your advice And time.
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#8 of 10 Old 05-17-2013, 11:50 PM
 
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"I want her to stand up for herself ... And tell the mean one that she will

Not be friends with her anymore"

 

She may not be able to do that at this point. What I'm saying, and what other posters have suggested, is that your daughter should not have to be around the girl who is being mean to her. She's under no obligation to tell her that she doesn't want to be friends, or to talk to her at all. 


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#9 of 10 Old 05-18-2013, 12:35 AM
 
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You cannot expect your daughter to stand up for herself when you continually put her in the situation for years. Not only has she learned that this is normal but also what consequenses might there be if she does since she obviously has to see them all again. I agree seperate the friendships. You can be friends with the  mom without subjecting your daughter to mean people.

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#10 of 10 Old 05-19-2013, 05:37 AM
 
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Your daughter is being bullied & if it continues it will just get worse & can have lasting detrimental affects on your daughter's self esteem, mental health, etc. From my experience talking to the Mom's does nothing. My 12 yr old daughter's friends started picking on her a few yrs ago, the past 2 yrs it turned into bullying & this school yr the bullying has gotten progressively worse. I thought we had put a stop to it until my daughter was admitted into a mental hospital for the 3rd time this yr & she told her counselor there she is bullied alot at school. My daughter didn't tell me it was still going on bc she thought she could handle it herself. I've tried getting help from the school but they seem to be protecting the reputation of these girls bc they are Jr varsity cheerleaders (my daughter cheered with them for 6 yrs, but didn't make the squad last time she tried out; that's when the bullying started). At this point I am taking my daughter out of school to homeschool her bc that seems the only way to get her out of the situation so she can get better. I'm glad you noticed what was going on & are helping your daughter by taking a stand for her. Bullying is serious & nobody deserves to be treated that way. Let us know how it goes.
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