More than 50% of the time, Rude, Moody, Mean ELEVEN Year old Girl. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 05-15-2013, 05:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello Mamas

 

I just don't understand.

 

I mean I understand that things in life are not always how we would like them. I understand she is lacking in life experience....she is egocentric, she is a child...I understand............

 

but why? why is she so surly and mean and rude and pushing me away and staying in her room and angry and unable to tell me what is wrong??

 

I am a single mama who will do anything for her. I am present, I am willing and offer time together, activities........

 

She pushes me away. She seems unhappy and so moody. Yet i hear her in her room singing. She won't even let me come in her room most of the time.

 

(sometimes she chats with me and we hang out and she is a sweet heart but that is the minority)

 

Am I doing or not doing something as a parent to not have a happy child?

 

I just don't understand.

 

Can you offer me any insights?

 

Thank You,

Birdie

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#2 of 10 Old 05-16-2013, 05:34 PM
 
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I have an 11-year-old daughter too, and yes she is moody. That whole puberty time is hard on kids that age, and maybe especially girls. I remember how I was at that age and I think I was worse than my daughter is, but I'm not positive. The big thing I think here is to not blame yourself.

I think it is probably not about you in the slightest and all about hormones, and maybe anxiety about all the physical and emotional changes she's going through. So information about puberty can help, in the way of books or discussion, to ease the anxiety and help her know everything is normal and OK. It sounds like she has a place she can go when she feels especially bad and needs to be alone, and that's great. I would let her know it's OK to want to be alone sometimes and try to understand that need.

I know it can be hard when they're difficult and moody, but try to think about what relationship you want with her when she's finished going through this. This is temporary but that relationship will be forever.

As much loving time between you and her as possible of course will help. They need their moms at this age!

Good luck!
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#3 of 10 Old 05-17-2013, 09:47 AM
 
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Agree... puberty is not a fun time for many girls. Our DD was a later bloomer so we got the mood swings and hormonal stuff from about 13.5 to 14.5 but age 11 is pretty standard for lots of girls. I don't know how much advice I can give other than to just try and survive it without causing any lasting damage in your relationship. Try to keep in mind that she doesn't understand what is going on and she won't until she's out of this stage. She's going to unload all this loveliness on you because your the one person she knows isn't going to leave her for being a royal pain. Take the good times when they are there. Try not to absorb too much of her negativity.

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#4 of 10 Old 05-18-2013, 07:22 AM
 
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Yep, one word - puberty. 

 

Give her space when she asks for/needs it. Enjoy the times she wants to spend with you. Understand that there are times when she will love sharing her thoughts and ideas, and in the blink of an eye tell you that you're stupid and to leave her alone. 

 

And know that it passes.... usually. My oldest was pretty easy. My youngest.... Oy - it's still a ride sometimes. Just hang on, and it will be okay.

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#5 of 10 Old 05-19-2013, 02:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks Moms,

 

she just had one of her....i don't know what to call it...moments guilty.gif

 

i'm extremely hurt.

 

i am so worn down from working so hard, being the unconditionally loving mama and being treated like sh@!

 

I want nothing more to do with her today, I cant take it any more today i cant.....

 

she has some major acting out and i just dont understand every one tells me what a great mom i am,,,,well, why do i have such an unhappy and contrary rude disrespectful mean inconsiderate daughter

 

i am so sad

 

i have pms and i feel emotional and this is the worst time for this stuff. i put up with it calmly ALL day yesterday and didnt let her telling me how stupid and boring she thinks i am get to me.

 

i wanted to take her swimming but no she didn't care.

 

complains i dont do anything with her but wont take me up on anything i ask her to do

 

i fell so defeated and its hard to stop crying

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#6 of 10 Old 05-19-2013, 07:10 PM
 
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mama you cant take this personally. it can only lead to destruction.

 

i have a 10 year old and we are seeing the same things. 

 

the only reason why i am not in your shoes getting hurt and mourning is coz - #$&&& some of the things she says reminds me of MYSELF. saying all those things to my own mother. i feel awful what i did to my parents.

 

this stage is really hard on both - parents and child. 

 

dont take things personally. this is the age of autonomy. when my dd tells me how bad i am and how she wishes E's mom was her mom, i choose to hear it as i am struggling with life and your rules and regulations. life sucks. and it helps me have compassion for dd.

 

for us diet play a huge deal too. dd has become intolerant fo sugar. gives her the sugar blues. she is also gluten and dairy intolerant. after we removed those and reduced her amount of sugar - her behav. has improved a lot. doesnt mean it doesnt happen any more. just not that often or that intense. 

 

what i focus on is dd being unhappy. dd is also struggling being a two family home.

 

so we are actually getting her a counsellor to help her through these hard times. i only hope and pray we will find a good one. 


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#7 of 10 Old 05-20-2013, 06:08 AM
 
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Honestly - you can't take it so personally. If she's nasty, just walk away until she can be pleasant. Offer to do stuff, but if she's not interested, it's okay Most kids that age ARE trying to move away and be more independent - and being nasty and difficult makes it easier for them to do so. It'll turn around in time. 

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#8 of 10 Old 05-20-2013, 09:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by birdiemama View Post

thanks Moms,

 

she just had one of her....i don't know what to call it...moments guilty.gif

 

i'm extremely hurt.

 

i am so worn down from working so hard, being the unconditionally loving mama and being treated like sh@!

 

Unconditionally loving her doesn't require you to allow her to treat you so poorly.  It does not give her permission to do so. That's not part of unconditional love.

 

I want nothing more to do with her today, I cant take it any more today i cant...

 

That's completely fair.  Knowing your limits is good, and taking yourself out of the line of fire is smart.  No mom is required to stand there and take it. 

 

she has some major acting out and i just dont understand every one tells me what a great mom i am,,, well, why do i have such an unhappy and contrary rude disrespectful mean inconsiderate daughter

 

You don't have to put up with shit to be a good mom.  And as others have said, part of her unhappiness is puberty. Her body and life are in upheaval. It's really rough on her.  So that's something beyond her control and yours.  As well, she is probably pushing you because 1. she needs to know you will love her even when she's really unlikeable (notice the difference between love and like), and 2. I think, and not everyone will agree with this, she wants to know you, the Mom Person in her life, won't stand for it when she's rude and disrespectful. 

 

i am so sad  hug.gif  I know, it can be sad.  But take a step back from this. It's not entirely personal.  11 y.o.s are typically self-centered, and aren't aware that parents' feelings can be hurt.  Like I said, to her you are the Mom Person in her personally narrative.  Hope that's not too psycho babble-ish.  It's helpful to me to understand that we all have these generic, universal characters in our heads that are separate from the real people in those parts. 

 

i have pms and i feel emotional and this is the worst time for this stuff. i put up with it calmly ALL day yesterday and didnt let her telling me how stupid and boring she thinks i am get to me.

 

Well, you can calmly counter her each and every time she says something like that.  "Hey, I get it, you're angry. You can be all kinds of angry with me.  But you may NOT be rude to me.  Can you understand the difference, dd?  Is there something specific I have done that makes you angry? Tell me what it is, I want to know. But it is completely out of line to personally insult me.  So get it together, dd. Respect is a two-way street."  And yes, walk away.

 

And that won't magically make her stop being rude and disrespectful.  That's okay, you just keep at it, each and every time she's disrespectful. 

 

i wanted to take her swimming but no she didn't care.

 

complains i dont do anything with her but wont take me up on anything i ask her to do

 

Eh.  She eleven, going through puberty. She's going to be irrational and stupidly stubborn.  Definitely don't take this kind of thing personally. 

 

i feel so defeated and its hard to stop crying

 

Many, many hugs to you.

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#9 of 10 Old 05-23-2013, 02:46 PM
 
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Sounds about right. My DD is 12.5 and started with the crazy exactly 2 years ago (summer between 4th and 5th grades)... She was always sensitive and moody, but also very sweet and overly gracious. She would give her last $5 to anyone who needed it (still does, unless she's in one of her moods). I can't wait for her to start her period finally so the hormones can do their job!! I have heard from many parents that once a girl starts bleeding, it starts to get better once the hormones balance out and the body adjusts itself. Most of my friends' DD's started at 11-13 and started to get a little less crazy after. I know it will be a while for my DD, she is already wearing an A cup bra but still just 80 pounds, I expect she won't start until later 7th grade or even 8th. This age (5th -7th grade) is really hard, but she will come out of it.

So far as parenting a tween goes, just try to let go of your power. Let her do things alone, and if she does them, it will build confidence. If not, it could be a good opportunity for bonding. They really want to be independent at this age, it's kind of like having a toddler again. You just have to let them try, and if they fail, you can dust them off and kiss it better. If they don't, they will respect you for having faith in them. Either way, it's good for your relationship. Give her space, and she will come back to you. Don't take it personally. Good luck!
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#10 of 10 Old 05-23-2013, 06:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mamas,

 

thank you so much for your replies, this is such a supportive place, i feel warm and fuzzy joy.gif

 

dd and i have had some nice times the past few days especially yesterday working on a craft project together and she wanted cuddles and kisses yesterday, felt so good to see her sweet side and her treating me like she liked me. I guess I need some other relationship outlets more often is also part of it for me. Most of the time it is just dd and I.

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