My almost 12 yo seems like a completely different person from the girl I"ve always known. I know that I'm not supposed to take it personally and understand that it's just puberty, but I'm not doing a great job with that. I feel miserable, she's so moody, and the rest of the family is having trouble adjusting to this new person that she's become.
Please help with book recs!
Although many people read it when their kids are younger, I found that re-reading "How to talk so your kids will listen, how to listen so your kids will talk" was very valuable. I think Faber & Mazlish have a special one for teens as well.
When I was a teenager, back in the 70s, my parents had "T.A. for Teens" in the house - I read it myself & it was informative for me to understand myself, as well as (I guess) my parents. We never discussed it formally, but certain phrases we shared. T.A. stands for "transactional analysis", I think you can buy it on alibris, or borrow it through a library.
Finally, re: your DDs moodiness making the whole family unhappy.
Ever since my kids were toddlers, the by-word has been "You are entitled to your emotions, but you are not entitled to make everyone else suffer for them." Therefore, certain manifestations of emotions (shouting, slamming doors, etc.) are not allowed & minimal courtesy is expected. Of course it does not work 100% of the time, but I think 95% is realistic.
When my DD got to be 12ish, I thought she didn't want me to cuddle and baby her any more, but I found out that I was wrong. So, even though she may be a "different person" do offer hugs and kisses and cuddles to her. Mutual grooming (brushing and combing and braiding each others' hair, etc.) can also be a good way to connect or re-connect. There's a lot of push-away, but sometimes kids also want to be drawn back. It's kind of like when they were 3 or 4, but one day they really want to be babied. :)
PS - My DD is 17 & my DS is 15