I am trying to come up with a plan for my daughter(18), who is in college full time, but living at home, and has no job. I would like to know what others in this position have expected from their children. We are butting heads here over lots of things involving housework, going out and money. How much housework would you expect? Weekly, daily? She is soooo smart and graduated high school with 3.97 gpa but is extremely lazy when it comes to home. I am a weak person and feel lots of guilt that I put too much on my kids, and that has bitten me in the butt. What about going out with boyfriend/friends, without doing anything to help out at home?
She always makes it sound like other parents don't require their kids to get jobs or do housework and gives them money for gas and phones and stuff. I don't know other parents of teens these days. The ones I do know does give their daughter money and don't make her work.
drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.
So she hasn't had regular chores or helped out around the house prior to this? I would think starting now would be a challenge.
I hate the "Other parents don't make their kids..." or "Other kids get to..." arguments. If those other kids lived under my roof, they would abide my my rules too! Your dd seems a bit old to be playing that card.
It is not unreasonable to expect a teenager - or anyone living in your house full-time - to help out. Obviously implementing a new routine is going to be a struggle, and I wish you luck.
If the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Are there dorms at her college? What are their rules about curfews and so on, that might be a good starting point. She would have to keep her stuff clean at a dorm because mommy isn't there to take care of it. I wouldn't expect her to get a job, if she is keeping her grades up. Most full time students get monthly spending money. I worked and went to college and my grades suffered because of it. I kept a B average but it could have been better. But really it doesn't matter what the other kids are doing.
~Patti~ Momma to three girls and three boys , First mother to one girl
Certified, card carrying member of the IEP Binder Club
I think that part of it really depends on what she is capable of.
My DD who is in college and lives at home:
- does her own laundry and keeps her bedroom and bathroom reasonably clean
- vacuums 2 other rooms in our house once a week
- makes dinner for the whole family one night a week
- helps with other minor items when asked
She does not have a job. We are hoping to move her that direction, but right this minute it really would be too much for her. We give her a set amount each month for gas and misc. expenses. She will most likely start off by doing some volunteer work once a week and ease into employment (BTW, she is on the autism spectrum).
I think that it is OK to go out and have fun, and that if you push to hard on that one, she might move out. It really depends on what you prefer -- her at home and going out, or her moving out.The college students we know who've moved out live in crappy apartments in crappy neighborhoods with their current boyfriend/girlfriend, so I think there is value in making home the more appealing option.
I think there is a balance between allowing our kids freedom/fun and helping them develop into self sufficient adults. College students are way past needing to be taking care - they should be able to pretty much fend for themselves. If she doesn't know how, I would start with the stuff she needs to learn so she will eventually be able to learn on her own.
I also think its fine to have a list of reasonable expectations that have to be met before handing over money. If she doesn't like it, she can get a job.
There is a middle ground between providing help and support to a full time student, and treating a full grown adult like a spoiled child. It really doesn't matter exactly what another family does. Every family is different, and just like different families have different rules about what their 2 year olds can do, different families handle the college thing differently.
but everything has pros and cons
I lived at home during college and I received a set amount of spending money but I was still expected to abide by the rules of the house and help out. I cleaned up after dinner and during time off from college, I'd help with the shopping/cooking/clean up.
If my daughter (when the time comes) would use the "other parents" card on me, my immediate response would be "that is a weak argument. It only tells me you don't have a good reason and are just resorting to peer pressure to get what you want. Come back with a good reason and we'll talk."
Also, if you're 18 and you want the freedom of being an adult, you're going to have to take on adult responsibilities too. I would not do her laundry and it might be better if she has something that is her sole responsibility (versus having to help with many little chores around the house). I love Linda's suggestions, they're clear cut and fair.
DP's mother literally made him move out into the dorms after the first year at college because she did not want to run "Hotel Mama" . According to him, it was the best thing she did for him because he finally had to grow up and fend for himself (manage money, do laundry, shop, clean, etc...).
Mama to my little Lily (09/2010), and a sweet baby boy (12/2012)
I think any kid living at home whether they be in high school or college still has family resposibilities. I tend to be very laid back and some call me too permissive, but my kids are still expected to do their chores and help out each other and most of all be respectful of everyone. So far I've been really lucky with my kids helping out around the house with cleaning, laundry and just being responsible.
My college kid, 20 y.o. DS, has at least one part-time job when school is in session. He also picks up some work as a tutor and he gives music lessons too. In addition, he devotes quite a few hours per week playing in a band (actually 3 at the moment) but that's mostly unpaid. He does some household stuff. He would do his own laundry but I prefer to avoid small, half-full loads in the washing machine and dryer. He helps with the dishes if he eats dinner at home. He keeps the chaos in his room at a manageable level. He'll do a fair amount of the outside upkeep like mowing the lawn, shoveling snow off the driveway and so on. He doesn't protest about any of it.
I would consider courseload and type of program before suggesting a college student take an outside part-time job. If the program has a fairly light courseload with only 15 or 20 hours of classes a week, then I think it's more feasible to manage a job. If it's a heavy professional program like engineering with a lot of classes, labs and intensive required reading and prep, then I'd prefer it if my kid concentrated on studying.
Mine are 19 & 21 - both go to college, but live away.
My oldest lives in a house with three other students. Yes, I give him some money to help with his expenses, but he also has a p/t job at one of the college tech centers year-round. He's only home for a weekend every now and again, so I don't really expect him to do much in terms of chores when he is - although he is always more than happy to cook, does his own laundry if needed, etc.
My youngest lives in a dorm, but is home on breaks. She has a p/t job tutoring local h/s kids in math, in addition to her coursework and athletics. But she's used to a heavy schedule and enjoys it. When she's home, she has two jobs, but also helps out as needed around the house. If she gets home before I do, she'll start dinner. She has no problem picking up groceries as needed. Does laundry. Runs errands for her grandparents.
Pretty much, I've never run the house as any of us having specific chores. There was just always an expectation that we'd pitch in as needed, as able to.
We provided room and board for our adult children while they were living at home. While they were part of the family, they were treated more like room mates with all the privledges and responsiblities that they would have if they were living on their own with room mates. They still had to clean the bathroom, wash their own clothes, do all the cleaning of their room, wash dishes, pick up, etc. If they didn't like what I was cooking, they could cook for themselves and do the cleaning up afterwards. Those things didn't change simply because they turned 18. They paid for their personal bills; we paid the household bills. As long as they were in college full time, they didn't pay for room and board.
The girls didn't have cell phones, computers, cars, etc. until they had jobs and bought them themselves. Our son (age 15; 10th grade this year) does have a cell phone that we pay for and will be getting a new computer of his own (instead of a handed down lap top) this year. We probably will continue paying for his cell phone when he turns 18 if he doesn't have a job. But it is a basic flip phone not a smart phone. Times have changed in the 17 years since our oldest was 18.
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